Chapter Forty Four
Regulus Black was in love.
As such, he seemed to have lost his sense of what was truly important. Instead of floating around with his head in the clouds, completely besotted with a pureblooded female, he ought to be dealing with a very important issue; the horcrux. He knew he was living in a fantasy; that he was ignoring something major, something he had been determined to deal with only a few weeks ago. Now, however, he was happy enough to pretend; to go wherever life took him. Because he knew that he wouldn't survive the task he had planned on carrying out.
"I don't know," Julia was saying, as they made their way through Hogsmead, "They are a bit extreme, I guess," she glanced over at him, curiously, "I mean, they were purebloods, right? And if what we're supposed to be fighting for is pureblood supremacy, then it doesn't make sense to eliminate them. Especially when we're already dying out as it is."
Regulus wasn't quite sure where Julia's loyalties lay. He didn't really want to know. It would just complicate things. From what she had said since he had met her, she didn't have a clear stand on who she supported within the war; he was beginning to think she supported neither. She had made it clear she didn't approve of the Dark Lord's methods; then again, she didn't really complain when it was muggles under attack.
He hadn't told her about the horcrux.
Regulus knew that Severus didn't trust her; and he was persistently warning him not to trust her either. It infuriated him, but the irony of it all was not lost on him. The year before the two of them had been going through the exact same thing, only the roles were reversed and he had been warning Severus about Lily. 'Rightly so, as well' his mind asserted. He dismissed the thought; Julia was nothing like Lily Evans.
"Weren't you related to them?" Julia asked.
Regulus considered it for a moment, easily managing to picture the image of the Black family tapestry, "I think she was my mum's aunt. I've never met her before though. My brother has," he added, sure that it was they who had taken him in when he ran away at sixteen.
She continued talking but he barely heard what she said. His mind went back to the horcrux; the duty he knew he had to perform. Everything was in place; he had had it all prepared weeks ago. The plan, the note, Kreacher. Rosier's wedding was supposed to be his goodbye to the family, the last time he would enjoy his life.
And yet here he was weeks later, and he didn't want to do it anymore. He wanted nothing more than to abandon his beliefs, his faith in what he had to do and just be. Just be the good little Death Eater he was supposed to be, marry a pureblood (hopefully Julia), settle down, have a family, stay unimportant enough in the Dark Lord's ranks to only be given menial tasks but important enough to not be killed off. He wondered if that was how Severus had felt; he was certain he had.
He had thrown away his responsibilities, his dedication, all for his muggleborn. Had lived in a fantasy and refused to recognize the danger he was in. It was easier to live in ignorance.
Regulus sighed and drew Julia closer to him as they settled down on the grass. He reached up, brushing the hair back from her face and smiled at her. She smiled in return and kissed him softly. As they cuddled on the grass, looking up at the clouds, he murmured to her the way he felt about her. He sensed her smile before she glanced up and told him that she loved him too.
Regulus was determined. He wouldn't let his feelings get in the way of what he had to do. He'd already watched his best friend become a slave to his feelings, it wasn't something he was willing to do. He wouldn't let his feelings for a woman affect what he needed to do; it was probably the only worthy thing he would ever do. It scared him to think that; to think that if he were killed in a raid he had done nothing of which he could be proud of. He had contributed nothing to this world; nothing, that is, except to make it worse by supporting the cause.
He remembered a time when he was younger, when the war was just beginning to hit home for the Blacks. He and Sirius had been at Black Manor, where they often found themselves in their younger years, and Bellatrix and Andromeda had been fighting. He didn't know what they had been fighting about at the time. He had a pretty fair idea what it was now; his oldest cousin had joined the Death Eaters and Andromeda had somehow found out.
She had killed people. 'Just muggles', Bella had said. Narcissa had been crying. Bella had stormed out. When Regulus had asked what was wrong, she had told him that the Dark Lord was evil and that people like Bella where letting it happen. He had heard about the Dark Lord; had asked how he managed to get so many followers if he was really so bad.
Andromeda had quoted someone then, he couldn't remember who, a muggle. She had told him that the only thing necessary for evil to succeed was for good men to do nothing.
He had said that to Severus before. Not too long ago, as means of persuading him to help with the horcrux.
"I'm not a good man."
Severus' response rung in his mind. Was he a good man? Regulus had never made a decision of his own, not really. He had always been influenced, always eager to please. He had begged the Sorting Hat to put him in Slytherin; it had wanted to put him in Gryffindor. It told him he had the potential for bravery. Regulus had laughed; he had never been brave in his life.
Regulus had wanted to side with his brother when he ran away from home. But he also wanted to please his parents. He had seen the damage Andromeda's betrayal had done to their family; and when Sirius followed he couldn't do it. He couldn't destroy the family any more than they already had; even though he wanted to. It was Regulus' duty to be the good son; to be the man who would do the House of Black proud. Bella had already done her duty; she was already engaged to a pureblood when Andromeda left. Narcissa had taken on Andromeda's abandoned responsibilities; had taken on the engagement to the Malfoy heir.
Regulus glanced over at his favourite cousin with a smirk at the irony of it. He remembered how furious she had been. Narcissa was only fourteen when Andromeda had fallen in love with a muggleborn and informed her parents her desire to severe her engagement to Lucius Malfoy. The idea was preposterous; the alliance between the Blacks and the Malfoys had been planned and arranged by their fathers since before they had begun Hogwarts.
And so, when the middle daughter had packed her bags and left, the duty to unite the families lay with the youngest Black daughter. Something she had not been happy about at all, if Regulus remembered correctly; in fact, he was pretty sure that Narcissa despised Lucius Malfoy at that age. Even more so when he had actually called Andromeda a bloodtraitor to her face.
Looking at the two of them now, though, no one would ever have guessed at the circumstances that brought the two of them together. Narcissa had reached over and squeezed Lucius' hand when he finished a conversation with his babbling son. Lucius turned the baby round and sat him so he was facing in his direction. The baby immediately smiled upon seeing him.
Lucius raised an eyebrow and lifted Draco slightly, indicating for him to come and take him. Regulus immediately moved forward and took the infant from his father's arms.
The baby squealed and laughed when Regulus quickly tossed him into the air and caught him again, drawing him down onto his knee, "You're getting heavy, Dragon."
He looked over at Narcissa with a smile. She returned his smile warmly, more so than usual, and then glanced at Lucius expectantly. Lucius only raised an eyebrow at her and leaned back on the couch. Narcissa sighed and rolled her eyes, before turning to Regulus with the same smile as before;
"Reg, Lucius and I wanted to ask you something."
Regulus, who had turned his attention back to the baby, looked up at her curiously. He frowned slightly, feeling suspicious, "What?"
Narcissa gave a small laugh, "It's nothing bad. We were wondering if you would consider being Draco's Godfather?"
Regulus stared at her, completely stunned at the request. Draco wiggled in his lap and he looked down, noticing the baby grinning up at him, as if he was also awaiting his answer. Regulus swallowed, an unexpected sadness washing over him as he looked down the the infant. His Godfather. Yes, he wanted that. But he knew he would never be it; he wouldn't even see this little boy grow up.
He looked up and saw Narcissa still looking at him, the hopeful look she had had previously slightly diminished at his delay. He couldn't tell them he wouldn't be there for it, that he couldn't do it. He couldn't get them involved. So he forced a smile and nodded; "Of course I will," he lifted Draco up against his chest and hugged him with the one arm, "You know I love this little guy."
Narcissa nodded with a grin, "He seems quite partial to you, too." She looked over at her husband, who offered her a smile, and reached up to rub her back affectionately.
Regulus watched them, feeling incredibly jealous. He wanted what they had. He wanted what they had and to actually be able to live it. He wondered if they knew how lucky they were; and how stupid Lucius was for getting involved with the war in the first place. If the ministry ever found out their lives would be destroyed; Draco would lose his father, Narcissa would lose her husband. If the Dark Lord became disappointed, he wouldn't think twice about eliminating Lucius' loved ones.
Regulus sighed and stroked the back of Draco's head. That's how it would be for him too. If he did try and live the fantasy, if he were lucky enough to actually have a future with someone, the Dark Lord would always be hanging over them. He would never be able to escape the biggest mistake of his life.
The only option was to repent. And to try and fix it.
