A/N Hey! Sorry it's a day late. I was having technical difficulties.
I'm going to go ahead and say this since people have been asking me. I thought I had made it clear early on that I would not be including smut in this story. Apparently I wasn't clear enough though. I don't write it and I don't feel like it's really important to my story. If it ever becomes an important part of the story, then I will say so. Feel free to imagine them doing it whenever or however you so desire- sweet, rough, on the table, in the car, not at all, whatever. I don't care. It's up to you.
Thank you to all of last week's reviewers: mamasam, chinaluv, icedragonfirebird, Sarah.B, and MegzDean. I couldn't do it without you! :)
Spurred on by the thought that he boys would be home soon and maybe Zara could get a full night of sleep within the safety of Dean's arms, she jumped up and started putting everything back in order. She couldn't let Dean see her like this. She couldn't have him be asking questions. This week had been a chance to be free of the prying, judging eyes of others. It had been truly liberating and she had learned so much about what she was capable of. She would have never been able to do that if she hadn't been alone. The boys didn't understand. They couldn't. They were ignoring all the benefits in the name of keeping her safe, but Zara didn't want to be safe. She wanted to get revenge and for that she needed to be strong. If that meant keeping this week from the boys, so be it. As she cleaned the evidence of the past week from herself and the house, a feeling of heaviness settled over her again. It was time to begin the lie anew.
Chapter 54
"Help me!"
Fear automatically spiked through Zara when she realized that she was once again in the dream forest. The scratches on the trees were the same. But the voice echoing through the forest was different this time. Instead of a child's lost cries, it sounded like a terrified old woman. Curious, Zara ignored past experience and followed the voice. For some reason, she wasn't really scared of the monsters that were inevitably in the brush- even though they were the ones who always ripped her apart. No. She was much more afraid of the child who could control them. But the person yelling for help wasn't the child this time. It didn't seem that Zara was to repeat her nightmare in the same way tonight.
"Help me!"
It sounded like the woman was coming towards her quickly. Zara could hear someone crashing through the underbrush ahead of her and the suddenly she was right in front of Zara. The woman looked to be in her seventies. Her hair was sticking up at odd angles, her clothes were torn and tattered, and her face was contorted in a grimace of terror. The woman didn't notice Zara as she ran past and deeper into the forest. As soon as she had disappeared, three new figures appeared in front of Zara. It was the child, flanked by two huge Leviathans.
The child hardly acknowledged her presence as she flicked her wrist- a commanding gesture Zara was now quite familiar with. The Leviathans heeded her wordless command and bounded off towards the woman- their many legs quickly scuttling by, almost spider-like. Zara didn't think that the child could horrify her any more than ordering her own demise, apparently she had been wrong. The two stood side by side in silence- staring towards where the Leviathans had gone. Zara refused to think about exactly what they were waiting for until she heard the old woman scream and then choke out abruptly.
The child looked up at her and smiled a wicked grin. In a gleeful voice she said, "See you soon, Akele."
Zara didn't wake up screaming this time. Instead she was filled with an incredible sense of dread. The child knew her, by her Enochian name even. And what was that about seeing her soon? These dreams had lost their dream quality. Instead, they felt like they were real- as if she were really in that other world or as the child said, she would be very soon.
In an effort to shake off the horror of her dream, Zara rolled over to Dean who had gotten in late that night. It was fairly late in the morning, so Zara decided to wake him up. Leaning over him, Zara kissed him sweetly- one hand ruffling in his hair. In moments, Dean was awake and smiling into the kiss as he wrapped his hands around her waist.
"Good morning." Dean mumbled. "You know, that was the best sleep I've had all week."
"Well I'm sorry to wake you, but it's past 9."
"No, it's fine. It's the best way to wake up too." Dean grinned as he leaned up and kissed her again. "You're always the best part of my day- sleeping or awake."
"Well maybe I can make it even better with a few chocolate chip pancakes."
"Mmm… sounds great." Zara stole another kiss before jumping up and heading towards the kitchen.
The sound of forks scraping the plates and relative silence from her boys was enough to tell Zara she had made another good breakfast. It made her happy. She never really got the chance to do something so ordinary and breakfast wasn't too hard to get right.
"So we're gone for a week and this is the project you choose?" Bobby asked- motioning at all the new lighting. "Energy saver bulbs?"
"Go green." Zara said nonchalantly. She tried her best not to show that there was more to that story. "Actually there was a freak storm a few days ago. I think the house got struck by lightning. A few burst so I just figured I'd upgrade the whole lot." Her bogus explanation seemed to mollify them and the kitchen lapsed back into comfortable silence. Zara was glad that they didn't seem to be suspicious about her activities the past week. It was so much easier when they weren't asking questions.
Glancing back up at Bobby, Zara caught a glimpse of a familiar pulse of energy. Like the plant, humans also had their own subtle energy system. Fascinated, Zara watched as the power radiated through the man's body. It was incredible. A stray thought then captured her. Like the plant, Zara could manipulate that energy. She had done it before- though she didn't really know the details as well. Adding power to systems was easy… draining it was even more so. Draining someone's life force would be just as easy as draining a battery. Of course, she would never do it. The sheer fact that she had had that thought unsettled Zara. What was she thinking? Draining electrical energy was one thing… THAT was crossing a line.
Casting that thought aside, Zara focused on the fact that she was especially glad that she wasn't alone anymore. The silence of the empty house had gotten pretty lonely after a while. She was glad her boys were home safe and sound. Zara looked over each of them fondly. Sam- back to full health and, while he was still dealing with his own mental healing, he never complained or faltered in the job. Bobby- wise and steadfast, he was the father that they all needed and missed out on in their own pasts. And then there was Dean. Dean was strong, caring, and the love of her life. And she was lying to every single one of them. No- mustn't think about that. Not now. It's not time for them to know.
Zara's eyes slid over to the large block of clay that lay in the center of the table. The boys had nabbed it the night before. It was the next piece of the puzzle- the Leviathan tablet. With that, they could figure out how to kill Dick and by extension all the other Leviathans. They just needed Kevin and… Kevin was what? 16? Zara sat back for a second. Were they about to ask a 16 year old kid to enter into this world? Zara knew this was pretty late in the game to be asking about the morality of what they were going to do today, but it had to be considered. They were, at least Zara was, knowingly condemning this innocent kid to a life filled with pain and heartache and ultimately death at the hands of his friends. This wasn't right. This wasn't what they had been fighting for. If they had another way, ANY other way, they should take it. Shouldn't they?
"What's up?" Dean asked when he noticed her pensive silence.
"Once we open that thing up," Zara pointed to the clay covering the tablet. "Then Kevin will awaken and come looking for it."
"Right. It's a pretty convenient set up if you ask me."
"What's the issue then?" Sam asked.
"Kevin." Zara sighed. "He's 16. He's just a kid."
Bobby groaned loudly. "Aw hell. You couldn't have said that a month ago maybe?"
"I only just thought about it." Zara replied quietly. "What we're about to ask him, what we're about to open him up to… It'll quite literally be the death of him."
"Maybe we could talk to him." Sam offered. "Maybe we could give him a choice."
"Oh and what are we gonna say to him?" Bobby snapped. "'Oh hey, we're on the verge of an apocalypse and we need your help. And if that wasn't enough, you'll be in so much danger that you and your family will have to drop everything and hide for the rest of your lives.'" Bobby turned to Dean. "What do you think?"
Dean heaved a large sigh. He had been quietly contemplating their predicament since Zara brought it up. It was times like these that Dean wished that Zara didn't have all this knowledge. It made everything more complicated. It would have been easier not knowing. At least their consciences would be clear. Bringing a kid into this was regrettable, of course. But it wasn't their first time doing something like this. Heck, Dean was thrown in at 4. It wasn't like he didn't know what it was like. It was a hard choice, but they didn't have any other options. Finally Dean looked up. "Would I love to spare the kid? Of course. But he's a prophet right? He's gonna get dragged into it anyway. Why not let it happen now where we can help him?" The other two seemed to agree with him. It wasn't an easy choice, but they would stand by it.
Zara's mouth shot open. "I can't believe you. Your whole life has been an attempt to change fate. And look at what I've already changed! Some people are alive because of me! What if I can save Kevin too?" Zara's mind was racing with possible alternatives- anything, ANYTHING to save this poor kid.
"I thought you wanted revenge. According to your own words, this is how we do it."
"I do." Zara bit her lip nervously. "I'm just worried about the people we're hurting along the way."
"You didn't seem to have that problem when you asked Charlie to be a double agent." Sam supplied. The tension in the room was palpable. None of them wanted to do this. They all wanted to agree with Zara, but there wasn't another option at this point.
"It was different with Charlie. She was going to be involved whether we wanted her to or not." Zara argued desperately. She felt like she was the only one fighting for the kid. Maybe, just maybe, she could prevent his ultimate demise, but his life would be virtually ruined after today if they went through with this anyway. "With Kevin… This is going to ruin his life. Forever. And we KNOW and it's OUR decision. We're toying with the life of a kid who we don't even know. I can't help but think that if you had the choice to do it over again, you wouldn't have involved him."
"Look, I get it." Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's a tough decision. I know. And I regret having to do this as much as you do, but what else are we gonna do?"
Zara wracked her brain feverishly. There had to be something. They had to have another option… and there was! "I could open the portal again and throw him back in! I've been practicing! I think I can do it!" The idea was out of Zara's mouth before she even realized what she had said. In the heat of the moment she let out the secret that she had been working so hard to conceal. She could feel all the blood draining from her face.
The room fell silent- a stark contrast to the heated discussion of a minute ago. Bobby's shocked expression and Sam's quiet disappointment were nothing compared to Dean's reaction. Dean looked like he had been punched in the gut "… You've what?" He whispered.
"I've been… practicing." Zara admitted quietly. Everything felt like it was crumbling in around her. She had tried so hard to keep it from them. She had carefully constructed the lie and it had come crashing down within 10 seconds of a careless emotional outburst. Zara couldn't help but think back to when she promised Dean she would never go down this path even though she never really meant it. She remembered every time he asked her if she was doing something reckless. She remembered every lie that had brought her here.
"Sam, Bobby," Dean finally croaked hoarsely- as if his throat had suddenly gone dry. "Could you give us a minute?"
They each nodded solemnly. They knew how much this had hurt Dean- how important his trust in her had meant to him. Zara didn't want them to leave. She silently pleaded with one of them to stay- but they didn't. Instead they pushed in their chairs and went into the living room. Looking back at Dean, Zara's heartbeat started racing and a lump formed in her throat. He had stood up when the others left. He had positioned himself across the kitchen from her. His back was facing her as he leaned with both hands on the countertop- shoulders tense. There was a table in between them. Zara didn't know if he purposely did that to reassure her that he would never physically fly at her or to give her a head start in the event that he ever did. This was the first time Zara had ever felt marginally unsafe with Dean in the room. If this had been Sean, he would have leapt forward and started pounding on her mercilessly. Dean didn't do that though. He had kept his distance. When he finally took a deep breath and turned back towards her, the way Dean was looking at her almost made Zara wish he was beating her up instead. The betrayal in his eyes hurt ten times worse than any blow.
"How long?" Dean asked quietly. Everything he did seemed to be measured and calculated- concealing his full emotions.
"A while…" Zara started babbling- as if explaining it would make the lie any better. "But, I've been careful. I've made sure I never overexerted myself… mostly. I'm learning how to control it!"
"You're missing the point, Zara." Dean snapped irritably. He couldn't conceal the slight tremor in his tone- his voice was the true betrayal of his emotions. He was hurt, angry, and tired- tired of people not being honest with him. "You promised me you'd never do this. Did you ever intend on keeping that promise? And then when I asked you if you were doing anything reckless, you lied to me! You lied straight to my face! I would have expected this from Meg, Cas," Dean threw his hands up. "heck, even Sammy- God knows he's lied to me dozens of times. I would have expected this from anyone but you. I thought we promised to be honest with each other. I trusted you."
The last sentence brought tears to Zara's eyes. She had fought long and hard for Dean's trust. Why had she insisted on breaking it? "Dean, please-" She took a step towards him- one hand outstretched, but he automatically took an equal one back. The space between them broke Zara's heart that little bit more. "Forgive me." She pleaded.
"I can't." Dean shook his head. "I can't be around you right now. I can't do this. I can't." He backed up until his hand was on the handle to the back door. "Not right now. I just can't." He whispered as he opened the door and left Zara alone in the kitchen. Seconds later, she heard the engine of the Impala rev up and the gravel crunch as he drove away.
Zara felt numb. It was as if everything had been drained out of her and she was just the shell left behind. Everything they had accomplished together these past few months… every good and happy memory she had had with Dean… every time she had thought for a moment that they might be happy one day… it was all gone- just like Dean had walked out that door. And it was all her fault. She couldn't blame it on an abusive husband or a sad childhood. This was all her. Somehow, Zara would have rathered a blow to the face. Zara finally sank down into a chair and let the tears fall that had been threatening to pour since the beginning. She didn't know how long she sat there crying, but she knew for sure that it would continue to hurt long after the tears stopped.
