A/N: Thank you all for your support! It has been a very looong, hard summer for me, and all I want to do is finish this and give it the ending I've been picturing since the beginning. Still a few chapters to go though...
Anyway, Enjoy!
Picks up where we left off...
Meredith (Dreaming)
We pulled away, lips swollen and cheeks flushed, hearts pounding, eyes dark with rapt desire, intoxicated.
Candles flickered all around us. A cool breeze brushed faintly over my lips. I stared at him, panting. Did this mean...Was he-? Were we-? It felt like every neuron and synapse in my brain was on fire. This was it. I gave him my heart. Everything. I got all whole and healed right? And I was ready to try. Try and trust him.
Derek regarded me."I have to go," he said.
"What?" I asked breathlessly, confused.
He stared at me, and stepped back...
The fog crept in around him.
What? He had to go? Where? Why?
"Stay here," I heard him say, though now I could barely make out his outline. "Don't move," he said as I reached into the nothingness,"wait for me."
Fog covered even his shadow now. I turned, spun in a tight circle. He was gone.
"I can't..." I whispered. Bereft, I hugged myself and sat down alone on the ground. The fog swirled, and I was lost all over again.
Derek.
She was splayed on her stomach in bed, one arm stretched over the empty pillow on my side, the other drooping over the edge. Barely covered by the blanket, my 'fiance's' naked back revealed her still slim lines. Frozen in sleep, her only movement was the slight rise and fall of her body as she breathed peacefully. Meredith was beautiful, perfect this way. Especially with her single pink-socked foot poking out from under the covers.
Derek Shepherd, will you marry me? she asked. Coming off the high of my climax, still in her, surrounded by her... I'd blinked in surprise, staring at her for two long seconds, I'd forgotten what it felt like...To be wanted, to be loved. And it was an amazing feeling.
So I kissed her forehead. Yes. Yes Meredith, of course.
Even senile and smelly me?
Especially, I replied. And then we laughed, and hugged and kissed, and then... as she curled into me, she cried. Now I watched her sleep.
It was going to be a long night tonight. But it was worth it
"Derek?" A muffled knock came from bedroom door.
"Just a minute," I called back. I was only wearing boxers. Slipping on some sweats and a T-shirt, I opened the door a crack and poked my head out.
"Derek, we need to talk." Amy said urgently.
Rubbing my chin, I followed her to the den. "What is it?" I asked as we entered. Something was up. The kids were there, Cristina was there. Though some of the papers had been tidied, it was clear everyone had been discussing something while Meredith and I were... out.
"Guys... what is it?" I asked again, placing my hands on my hips.
My sister regarded me intensely from behind the desk. "I've been on the phone and email for the last few hours. Derek, we..." she swallowed,
"We have a chance," Bailey finished.
A chance? At what?
"Dr. Berk from Australia is in L.A at a conference. He's one of the lead practitioners for ultrasound waves on the brain." Amy continued quickly.
"Okay..."
"He's willing to do the procedure," Bailey announced.
"The ultrasonic waves?" I asked.
"Yes," Amy nodded. "But we have to do it now."
"Now." So soon? We barely had a working hypothesis. Although we'd started on the path to a treatment, even a cure, we were months, even years before FDA approval."Why?"
Amy folded her arms, "I consulted with Dr. Allen," she said. "We can't wait the mandatory six months, Meredith's condition might be too far gone by then."
Her condition...Too far gone? I blinked... shook my head, trying to process. Meredith, who proposed to me, who I made love to, was blissfully asleep in the room across the hall. "Amy, I-"
"Dad, just listen," Ellis said.
I glanced at her, perched on Meredith's desk. Zola beside her, her arms crossed, lost in thought as she stared at the hardwood floor. My son Bailey sat on the couch, one leg pulled up to his chest. Open beside him was Meredith's anatomy of the brain book. I walked further into the room, tapping my finger along the bookshelf, eyeing my sister. Finally, I sat on the arm of the couch beside Bailey, and looked up at my sister expectantly. "Start from the top, Amy."
"Well, after I worked out more of the details of the 'cure,' I did some quick research. It's been proven with mice that the ultrasound not only opens up the blood-brain barrier, but it also kills amyloid plaques."
"Right," I said. That much I knew. There was proven research on that.
"They've used ultrasonic waves for a number of different treatments for various diseases," she said. "Meredith... would be the first for Alzheimer's."
"Okay," I replied. "So what's the problem?"
"The second part of the cure," Bailey piped up, "is a craniotomy."
"For the best results, we would need to inject a serum of gene edited cells and antibodies directly into her brain," Amelia elaborated.
It was a procedure similiar to the Shepherd method Meredith and I had begun to perfect when she was a resident. "I'm aware of that," I said. "What's the problem, Amy?"
"We have FDA approval for the first part... but not the second."
"Mm," I murmured. "And we're running out of time." Meredith was running out of time. My wife...
"We have a very small window here," Amy continued, "Dr. Berk will only be here for a week. We can't wait for the second phase. Neither can Meredith."
"So the ultrasonic waves alone are only a temporary fix." I concluded.
"Yes," my sister agreed.
Temporary. The room was silent. Sweat formed on my palms. I breathed short shallow breaths. I wanted so badly for this to work. I wanted to save her. But this...
Half measures. Band-aids. Temporary.
"What about a waiver?" asked Bailey hopefully.
I shook my head. "Only if it's life or death. Injecting a serum isn't life or death." In fact, it was probably riskier.
"So that's it? All this work, all this research, and we're too late?" My son burst from his seat. The frustration in his features was evident, and I felt it myself.
"What about the board?" I asked Amy, "Can we find a loophole?" It was possible. I'd worked on the board, there was ways of doing things slyly...
"I talked to Dr. Bailey." Amy plunked down in her chair. In Meredith's old office chair. "There's no loopholes, no rushes on this. Everything about the second part of our 'cure' has to go through the FDA. And we can't do that without six months of animal testing."
"Dammit." I muttered. It was too late. Barring some kind of miracle, we were too late.
"If the patient requested it..." Zola hypothesised.
"Legally, it's not a criminal act to perform an untested procedure on a patient if they consent," said Amy. "But no doctor, no surgeon with half a brain would do it without the backing of the FDA. And no HMO is gonna cover the expense of it anyway. I'll admit, I'm half-brained. I'd do it. For Meredith, for you... for us, I would. But after the stunt I pulled operating on you, I'm benched. It's looking like early retirement."
"And there is the other matter of her heart condition," Cristina added.
"Heart condition?" I asked. I'd forgotten about that.
"She's in the early stages of CAD. We've been managing it with medication, diet and exercise, but I would be wary of any procedure where we put her under."
"Mm," I agreed dourly. It has happened before. By itself, the surgery may not be risky.
But the culmination of other factors such as stress, anxiety, and a heart condition multiplied the risks.
"So that's it then?" My son asked, his voice quivering... "Our mom finds a cure, but she's not able to be cured?
"Alzheimer's is tricky. It's not concrete. It could still work. We could treat her now... wait six months, see what happens. It's still possible that she would be eligible for the next phase." It was possible. Possible. But probable? I didn't know.
"But you don't know." Bailey said, reading my expression.
I pressed my lips together. I wanted to lie. I wanted to say it would be fine, everything will be alright. That she'd make it. But the truth was, we were on a very slippery, dangerous slope. There were no certainties. No facts, methods, no scientific background whatsoever.
Just theory.
"Nobody knows." Bailey ranted. "Nobody cares. Not you, not Dr. Bailey, or the FDA, or the Board..."
"Bailey," I ran a hand through my hair. Of course I cared. I cared very much. She was my wife. She was Everything. We just needed time. I just... needed to think. "Just-"
"No! Shut up!" He exploded at me, his body taut and tense like a ripcord. "You weren't there! You weren't there when she gave up her career, or ran off into the woods, or when she was in a car accident... You weren't here when she forgot us or when she called me you! So shut up! You don't know!" Bailey yelled, before storming out of the den.
"Bailey!" I called, chasing after him.
But Zola caught my elbow, spinning me to her. "Dad!"
I gazed at her... my daughter. My first. Behind her, Amy chewed on her nails, a habit I thought she'd broken long, long ago. The other woman in my life, Ellis, looked heartbroken at her brother's pain, and Cristina... Meredith's 'twisted sister', met my gaze with an unreadable look.
"She proposed, you know?" I croaked.
In the throes!
Meredith... she panics. She wants this, but she doesn't know how to have it!
"She just proposed to me." I chuckled. She was everything to me. But so was my son. "I need to talk to Bailey. Amy... just give us a minute, okay?"
xxx
He hadn't gone far. The sun cast his shadow from the deck as he stared out at the slowly setting sun. Shoulders slumped, head down, he brooded along the rail.
"Bailey," I called as I slid the patio door open.
He shook his head and huffed. "Not now, dad."
"Yes, now." I stepped up to the rail to stand beside him. "Just say it, get it out." Bailey had Epic abilities to keep his feelings bottled up inside, like his mother, he preferred to deal with things internally.
Oh Derek, just say it. I can handle the consequences...
But he needed to give voice to it now. He needed to vent. His anger at me was only surface level, deep down, he was scared.
So was I.
"How does she remember you and not me?" He started. "I've been in this fight with her the whole time, and she doesn't remember my name. For the last four years, I've been doing everything I can for her. Researching, writing papers, interviewing doctors. Trying everything. I didn't have a life... I wanted her back. I wanted to have a mom, because my father was gone."
"I know," I acknowledged his point. I wasn't there, and he'd been forgotten, lost in his mother's fog. And he was in this just as much as I was.
"So, now what? We give her a band-aid? Take two and call the doctor in the morning? Without the compound... Dad, without the serum..."
It was pointless without it. We might be rid of the plaques and tangles temporarily, but without encouraging new growth, without regeneration of the pathways in her brain, it was practically futile.
"We don't have to do it, Bailey," I said firmly. "You're mother is doing okay. I'm here now. I can take care of her. I'll take care of her," I promised. It wasn't the end of the world. There still could be time to save her. And if not... she'd still go down in history for this treatment. Millions of lives could still be saved. It's what she would want.
"We don't have to do it?" Bailey repeated dryly.
"The procedure. Half measures... will she make it or won't she? We don't have to do it." I just got her back. I just found her again, loved her again. Maybe I didn't have all of her. But... I couldn't imagine waking up without her in the picture. My heart panged at the very thought of it.
"We have to do something. All that sweat. Everything she had, she put into this."
"We'll keep working on it. Keep trying. There's still a chance -" I tried. Time. We just needed a little time for the FDA to get their shit together. Meredith was fighting. I would fight with her. We could do it. "Six more months."
"She doesn't have six months!" he burst. "I just... I have this feeling."
Just wait for it pass.
"She never shuts up about you." Bailey said, the barest tinge of bitterness in his voice."She forgets me all the time. Calls me Derek sometimes. But you..." Bailey's cool grey gaze surveyed the softly dimming sunlight.
I sighed. I didn't know what to say, how to respond, "She knows you," I said. "She loves you. And she's not going to die." She's not. She's fighting. Meredith was trying. She just needed to hang on a little longer.
"YOU DON'T know that! You just don't! You come rushing in here... from the middle of nowhere, and you get your memory back, and everything is just 'hunky dory' right? Just swoop in and be her knight in shining armour. It's been me, Zola and Ellis bearing this... day in and day out, taking care of her, because she took care of us. While you were –
"Whatever! Know what? It's my name on those forms. Mom trusted me. She put me in charge! So think whatever you want, but it's up to me," Bailey declared, pushing past me.
Heart sinking, I held back a sob. I wanted to chase after him, make him see... but- maybe it was best to let him go for now.
Maybe it was for the best.
It had to be... right?
Despite my desire to follow him, I remained leaning against the rails, staring out at the soft grey of the night as it approached.
Truth was, I was scared.
Truth was, I missed her.
.
"Are you all right?" A deep accented voice asked.
I turned to see Julian in the doorway, carrying a sleepy B.D over his shoulder. "I heard an argument..." he said, nodding his head back to my retreating son.
Was I all right? The fate of my wife was in my son's hands. "I don't know." My voice splintered as I traced the bridge of my nose with my index finger
Julian nodded and sat down in one of the patio chairs, his sleepy son in his lap.
"How is he?" I asked, crouching down to inspect the 10 cm incision along the side of B.D's head, above where the tumor had been located. The stitches lacked the finesse of experience, but were evenly spaced and neat, no doubt those of a resident. "These are ready to come out," I said.
"Tomorrow," replied Julian. "He tires easily, but he is doing well." B.D stretched and rubbed his eyes, turning to face me with a sleepy gaze and long lashes.
"Good," I nodded, stroking the boy's hair. B.D stroked my hair in turn."I hear he's named after me."
"Zola missed you. She wanted to honor you."
She hadn't told me this. I was touched, pride filled my heart. I was proud of all my children. Not only for surviving a tsunami, but for working their way to thriving. Each of them would make their own special mark in this world. Each of them was extraordinary already.
"I... wish I'd been there." I replied. Of course Bailey was angry. I missed ten of the most significant years of his life. But I couldn't heal that scar. I could only try to prevent more from happening.
"I know you do," Julian said as the boy shifted, waking up. "Hey," Julian smiled at him. "Are you hungry? There is food in the kitchen."
"Kay daddy," he said, and slid off Julian.
"You have a beautiful son," I said.
"Thank you, Mr. Shepherd."
"Please, it's Derek."
"Yes," Julian smiled, "Derek," he folded his hands on his lap.
Now it was the two of us, gazing at the sky and the mountains. Feeling the breeze against our skin. The cool, crisp air invigorating my senses. Though I felt Julian was a good man, a part of me wished it was Bailey who was still here.
"I need to ask you something..."
"Mm," I turned toward him. Was it about B.D? I wondered.
"Zola proposed to me," he said.
"What?" Zola? Marriage? So soon? Was this my son-in-law now?
He smiled, a flash of white on black. "She beat me to it," he said with a shrug.
"Seems to run in the family..." I said under my breath, thinking of Meredith, her loving, wanting gaze on me when she popped the question.
"I love your daughter very much." Julian continued, "Africa... it changes you. Makes you see, what is truly imperative in your life. Makes you decide on the spot, what is good to do, and what is not. Who to trust... and who to leave. We were there together in the fight, and she always knew what was most important.
"And now, I know that she is most important to me, besides my son. I wish to welcome her into my life... fully."
Oh. "You want my blessing?" I surmised with an amused smile.
"I wish to be welcomed into your family, and forge a new life with your daughter, yes."
Zola was always direct. She always knew exactly what she wanted. If she wanted Julian and B.D in her life, there was no stopping her. "She loves you," I stated.
I'm not going to get down on one knee. I'm not going to ask a question...
"Then," I said, extending a hand, "welcome to the family, son."
"Thank you," Julian smiled.
"So..." I said, "Now that you're one of us, 'officially,' what do I do about my son?" I asked. I needed someone to talk to. I needed perspective, And strangely, Julian seemed like a good choice, he might be more objective.
"This is about Meredith?"
"There might be a chance to save her. Or, she might die, or... It's complicated."
"Mm,"
"And it's in his hands, not mine. I can't... I don't know what- I..." I trailed off weakly, my voice catching in my throat.
"You feel helpless."
I supposed I did. I nodded and sighed, my fingers curling around the wooden arm of the patio chair. I hadn't felt this helpless in a very, very long time. It was unnerving, feeling this way. Especially now, after so many years of disconnect. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be me who made the tough calls. Me to challenge fate, this should be my choice for Meredith, not my son's.
"You don't trust him?" Julian asked.
There was no right answer to that, I knew. I trusted my son, of course, but did I trust him deciding Meredith's fate?
"It's hard to see... hard to understand, Derek. But you are not the center of Bailey's life at this moment. Meredith is. He is bonded more to her than you. That is not bad. But you cannot fight against him."
"If I do, I'll lose him," I concluded.
"Yes."
"But... Meredith..." I said, unable to relinquish my love, my fear for my wife. How could I have a future without her?
"He has the responsibility to make the choice for her, yes. And you are afraid for the future, for Meredith, but you are the wiser head. You need to help him make the right choice, and not for you... but for your wife."
Tears threatened. I swallowed. Julian was right, but I didn't want him to be.
xxx
Meredith.
I wandered in the fog, looking for somebody... Who? "Hello?" I called. "Helloo?" But there was no answer. I turned around, stepped this way... Nothing. Just more of the grey stuff. I stopped, turned that way. Nothing.
What was I doing?
I couldn't remember, so I sat down and tried to think. But there was just so much... grey.
Pressure on my lap. Warmth on my face. Pinching, pulling, poking."Oh," I said, blinking as I returned to this reality. Tiny brown hands cupped my cheeks, little thumbs pressed along my cheekbone. Dark brown eyes studied me intensely. A child.
I promise you we will have a baby. One way or another, we will be parents.
"Hello," I managed a smile.
"Hi, wake up!" he laughed, squirming on my lap. Where was I? I looked around... I was sitting on a large comfy thing, in a large spacious room. Oh. the living room. How had I gotten here? I sighed. I'd been getting spacey lately.
"Draw?" the little boy asked as he slid off my lap.
"Draw?" I repeated. Draw what? Where?.
He pointed to the table in the kitchen where a stack of colorful sheets rested. On top of it was several coloring stick-things.
I followed him over. He pulled himself up on the chair and sat on his knees. I sat beside him. He reached for a coloring stick and paper. I copied him, but then stared at the paper. I didn't know what to draw.
The boy scribbled. I watched him carefully for a minute, putting the colored stick to paper and moving it back and forth. Draw. Just... draw.
Slowly it came back to me and I started to draw what came to mind. A large circle. A face? No, something better... Something familiar. After a minute, the boy looked up. "What draw?" he asked, pointing at my picture.
"Um," I looked down at my picture. A large oval shape with squiggly lines everywhere. What was that? Oh yeah..."Brains."
"BRAINS?" He exclaimed loudly. "Why you draw braaains?" he asked with a laugh
I looked at my drawing and shrugged. "I don't know," I said. Then laughed. "It is pretty funny, isn't it?"
The boy giggled. "Zola says you're funny suntimes."
Zola... I knew Zola. I think. I did know her, didn't I? "Zola..." I said, trailing off. I knew that name.
"Daddy says I can call her mommy if I want."
"She's your Momma?" I asked. Since when did Zola have a kid?
The boy only shrugged. "I drawed a pane," he said, pointing it to me.
"A pane?" What was a pane? Pain? Was he in pain? I was a doctor... I think...
"Airpane!" He declared.
Oh, that thing that flies in the air, I thought, picturing the flying object. Not pane, airplane."Oh, airplane."
"Yeah. I few here with daddy on a airpane." The boy stated, waving a yellow stick in the air.
"You did?" I glanced around for his daddy, suddenly realizing I was alone with him. What was this kid doing here by himself? Where were his parents?
"We comed to see Zola." The boy continued, scrawling on the paper. "Daddy said he wanted her to be my mommy. But my head hurted, so I went to hopsital and had aperation. But I better now. See?" he pointed at the scar on the side of his head.
"I used to do that," I said, pointing to his scar. "I think." I think I did. I was a doctor... I was...
"You cut people's head opened?" he asked excitedly.
"I think so," I replied. I remembered working in a hospital. I remembered a little girl. From... somewhere not here. From far away. She looked like him... like this boy.
I remembered holding her.
I remembered being happy.
Fog wisped in the edges of my vision. I stared out into nothingness. I had to... there was something I had to do.
But I couldn't remember.
"Are you my gramma?"
The boy pulled me out of my haze, "What?"
"Are you my gramma now? Cuz Zola's my new Mama, and you're Zola's Mama, so that means you're my gramma, right?"
I want to be your Mama.
I was missing an important part of this equation. Who is Zola? Why does this boy think I'm his grandmother? I couldn't be... I wasn't even a mother yet. Not knowing what to say, I resumed coloring. Fortunately he didn't seem to care if I answered his question or not.
"What's dat?" he asked, pointing to the funny looking shapes I was drawing.
"They're..." I paused, looking at them. "They..." They were what again? They were important somehow. Clumps. Sticks... Amy- Ami- "Ami..." I drifted off, and shrugged. "I don't know." Maybe they weren't that important if I didn't remember them.
"Are dey stars?"
"Yeah," I settled. "Sure," Who the hell knew anymore? Stars. Ugly stars... but-
"Make a wish!" The boy demanded.
"What?"
"Wish!" He leaned over the table to get close to me.
"Oh, um..." I could feel the little boy's fingers cover my eyes. I closed them.
Fog surrounded me. I remembered, now, what the fog did. What it was doing to me. I breathed in. Out. I looked around... stepped forward, and wished for the fog to go away.
Bailey
I stormed back into the den, panting. Aunt Amy was still there, clearing away files and scans. Everyone else was gone.
"Whoa," she said, seeing my upset. "You okay?"
I shook my head, "Fine," I choked. "Can you just... give me a minute?"
"Sure," she said. "Bailey..."
"I just need a minute." Alone, in this room, with our possible cure. Mom wasn't going to die, right? I just had this feeling. This horrible feeling that time was up if I didn't do something.
And dad was being protective. But it was my choice. Mom gave me that responsibility, and even though dad was back... it didn't mean that he could overrule everything we worked for. I flipped through the mountainous piles of papers distractedly before pounding the desk. I was so angry. Just so... so angry. At myself. At dad, at Alzheimer's.
May 2029
The hospital room was quiet, almost too quiet. And it was dark, the lights were dim. I sighed, trying to get comfortable though my leg was propped up in a cast and my neck was in a soft brace. It was lonely. And frankly, a little scary.
It would be okay, I thought to myself. It was going to be okay.
"Hey." Mom's voice pulled me and I looked up to see her in the doorway.
"Hi mom," I rasped.
She entered slowly, dropping her phone into her bag. She'd changed out of her scrubs and was wearing a simple gray hoodie and blue jeans, her hair loose around her face. "Your friend Cory is going to be okay," she said, coming up to the side of the bed.
"Good," I said, nodding.
She checked my IV and then went about mothering by fluffing the pillows and adjusting the blankets. "Why didn't you listen to your sister? I told her to pick you up."
"A nine o'clock curfew?" I retorted, "I'm sixteen."
"But you have practice."
"I don't care about basketball anymore, mom."
"Well you should, you're up for a scholarship next year." She sat down beside me.
I scoffed. I didn't care about the damn scholarship. "You were supposed to be home," I retaliated. "Maybe if you were home, none of this would've happened!"
"I was saving a life!"
"Yeah? And what about mine?" I snapped. She was never home anymore. She was always busy. We barely talked. She didn't care about us anymore.
"Don't bait me." She replied. "You are responsible for your actions. You chose to pick a fight with your sister, and you chose to drive, and you chose to drive recklessly. I taught you better."
I scowled. "Whatever mom, fact is, you're not home. If there's one thing you taught me it's to never be around."
"Derek Bailey Shepherd!" she jumped out of her chair, ready to lecture me.
"Shut up." I said. "You don't know anything. You're not home. And when you are, you're holed up in the trailer, ignoring us."
"I'm trying to find him!"
"It's been almost a year. If he wanted to be found, we would've found him." I knew all the details about the search. Very, very few people had been found alive after three months. "He went overboard in a freaking tsunami. He's dead."
"We don't know that," Mom argued tearfully.
"Well, I wish we did! At least I'd have my mom back!" I yelled.
It was like I slapped her. She stared at me stung and pained, and I instantly regretted it. "Mom, I didn't mean-"
But she nodded, "No, you did, you did mean that."
I swallowed thickly. "I didn't mean to hurt you," I said, softer this time.
Mom turned toward the window, arms wrapped around herself, head bowed. I heard a sniff and saw her wipe her eyes. "No," she said after a while. "But you're right. I haven't been there. For you. For the girls. I know that... I just... I don't know what to do."
I didn't know what to say to that. How do you tell your mother how to be a mom? "I don't know either," I said finally.
She turned back to me, walked to my bed, and kissed my temple. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Staring at the dappled ceiling tiles, I sighed. Under my fingertips, I felt my bruised forehead. "It's not your fault," I realized.
"But you're mad."
My hands clenched into fists for a minute. "Not at you."
"You're mad at him."
"I'm mad at a ghost."
"I'm not ready to believe he's-," she said.
"I know." It wasn't her fault. It wasn't dad's either. It was no one's. But it was easier to blame somebody who wasn't there. It was easier to just be angry than to accept the fact that he was probably gone for good.
Because that meant moving on.
And I wasn't sure I could do that. I wasn't sure she could do that. And suddenly, the prospect of not having a father in my life became so real and vivid. I thought about what my dad would want me to do. He'd want me to step up. Take care of things. Take care of her. And I hadn't. All this time she'd been trying. Maybe, not in the right way. If losing my father hurt me, then how much pain was she in?
I turned my head toward her as much as I could. She'd folded herself up into the chair and quietly stared at nothing.
"Mom," I reached over and touched her knee
"Huh?"
I offered my hand out, palm up. She took my hand and turned toward me, resting her head on my stomach. I squeezed it. It would be okay now. I would make sure of it.
I just wanted my mom back.
xxx
Now: Derek.
I'd come back from the deck to find Zola making sandwiches in the kitchen while Meredith and B.D. scribbled with crayons and construction paper. As I passed Zola, I patted her shoulder and kissed her on the cheek.
She glanced up in surprise, but when I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head to Julian in the corner reading a book, she understood and smiled brilliantly. She touched my arm and crooked her head in Meredith's direction with a raise of her brows too.
Yeah, we were both getting married.
Pouring a glass of water for Meredith, I sat down beside her. There were three pages that she'd drawn, and they were all the same. Bean-shaped circles, and splotches that could be five legged spiders for all I knew.
"Meredith, what are these?" I asked, looking at her drawings, while she chewed on a ham sandwich.
She put her sandwich down and leaned over to look at her drawing. Squinting, she looked at the paper. "I don't know... raisins?"
"Raisins?" I looked at the paper. They were pretty big and strange looking raisins
"And ants," she pointed to the globs with sticks in them. "Eating raisins. Right?"
"They're braaains!" B.D said with a mouthful of PB and J.
"Brains?" I looked closer at the paper. Now that he mentioned it, they did look like brains. If those were brains, it seemed to me that the funny looking 'ants' were amyloid plaques then. I sighed sadly and stroked my wife's cheek. She just couldn't get it out of her head. I wished I could make it better.
But it was complicated.
"Those are stars!" B.D exclaimed, pointing to the plaques.
"Stars, huh?"
"Stars to make wishes on!"
"Ah. I see."
"Are you gonna wish?"
"You want me to make a wish?" I asked.
"Make a wish!"
I gazed at the boy affectionately. If only he knew... I closed my eyes, and wished it wasn't so complicated.
"Know what I wishded for?"
"What?" I asked.
"A Grandpa and Grandma."
I smiled and ruffled the boy's hair. "Well, I suppose your wish came true." Grandparents. I was amazed. In less than two weeks, I'd gone from a bachelor living in a houseboat to... Grampa. Presto! Instant family.
"Yeah," he said, exuberant. "My wishded came true!"
"Hey," Amy called, strolling into the room. "There you are. What the H-E-double hockey sticks, Mere proposed?"
"Yeah," my lips spread into a goofy grin. Amy smiled back too. But, I should talk to my son "Where's Bailey?"
"In the den," she replied.
"Good," I sighed and headed for the hallway. "Can you-"
"Derek, Just give him time to think. You need to think too."
I sighed. I didn't want to think. I wanted to help Bailey understand. It might do more harm than good for Meredith to have this procedure now. And I didn't want her to have the first half of treatment without getting the second half.
I'd seen the scans. Six months might be a long time, but Meredith was a fighter. We'd fight the progression until the FDA approved the stem cell method, and then we could save lives. We could save her.
It was complicated, but it was the best way.
"I need to talk to Bailey," I pressed, taking a couple steps in the direction of the den. I had to convince him.
"No," Amy stepped in front of me, a hand on my chest. "He's still angry at you. Give him a few. And you need to figure out what Meredith wants. Nobody's talked to her about this yet."
Amy was right. "You're right. You're absolutely right." I looked over my shoulder back to Meredith who had chewed a circle out of a slice of ham and was making B.D shake with laughter as she stared at him through it.
Maybe the best way to get through to Bailey was through his mother.
"Okay," she touched my forearm. "I'll go watch the munchkins."
"Munchkins? Oh." Cristina had joined the group, sitting up on the countertop with a box of Cocoa-puffs, tossing underhand into B.D's mouth. "Right."
I marched over to the group, coming up behind Meredith. "Hey," I said, kissing her on the temple. She giggled. "Let's go for a walk."
"And have sex?" she asked hopefully.
"Wh-what?" I asked, flabbergasted.
"You, know, s-"
"-Hey Mere," Cristina interrupted, "Read the room!"
Meredith noticed B.D munching on his sandwich, oblivious. She blushed, "Oops."
I winked, "C'mon," I said, pulling her up. I rubbed her back affectionately and kissed her cheek. I read somewhere that Alzheimer's affected sex drive. Our recent antics must have triggered something in her brain.
God, I loved her so much.
"McYummy?" she asked, as I grabbed her coat.
"What?"
"No... that's not right."
I shook my head. She seemed to be reliving her resident years, it seemed. I helped her slide one arm through and then the other.
"McSexy!"
"McWhat? McSexy?" I asked. Where did she come up with these? "Mere..." I slid my own coat on and grabbed my wife's boots.
"Wait... no, McSteamy!" she said.
"That's Sloan!" Cristina called from the kitchen with her mouth full.
"Oh yeah," Meredith giggled. "You're not him. You're... Mc... Mc... Mc...Dammit!"
"Mcdammit?" I asked. Well this was an interesting way to be remembered.
"No. Dammit! How am I supposed to have sex with you if I can't remember your name?"
"Uh..." Well, that did happen actually. Although we didn't exactly forget each other's names the first time, we just... didn't bother trying to find out.
"Ookay, C'mon, let's go for a walk."
"So we can have sex?"
"Um... so we can talk."
"Oh." She deflated. Was she actually pouting? "It's just been ages!"
"We'll walk along the lake," I said, trying to restrain myself from laughing and/or actually having sex. Ages? More like a couple hours. I cleared my throat,"The view is amazing."
"It is?"
"Hmm, yes."
Finally out the door, I looped an arm through hers and guided her down the trail. Meredith suddenly grew silent as we walked, our boots crunching along. She stared up at the trees and shivered before leaning closer to me.
We walked for a bit while I tried to figure out how to go about do I tell my wife about half measures? How do I convince her to keep fighting?
After a few minutes of silence, we came to a picnic table. I coaxed her to sit on the table top while I stood in front of her. Gazing into her eyes, I brushed her hair away from her face. Gently, I rubbed her thighs, "Meredith," I asked, "Do you know who I am?"
She blinked and bit her lip. Her ocean eyes examined me carefully. After a minute, she shook her head and looked down, embarrassed. I curled my index finger under her chin and pushed her head up. With my other hand, I brought her fingers up to kiss them. " Meredith Grey, I love you," I said.
"You're the man in my dreams," she said, voice soft and sad. McDreamy "The one the fog hides from me."
"Do you love me?"
She stared at me again. It was strange. I felt she was lost... but at the same time... I felt there was so much more going on underneath, inside, then I could ever imagine. I folded my hand around hers and put it against my chest and waited. I had to be patient. I had to keep her trusting me.
"I... think... I love you."
"Mm-hmm."
"I..." she tugged on the string of my hoodie. "You really love me?"
"Yes," I smiled.
"Good..." she sighed with relief, and I hugged her.
"Meredith, you asked me something important a little while ago. Do you remember?"
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
She shook her head.
"Think about it."
Meredith swung her legs and rubbed her thighs as she thought. As each moment passed, she seemed more and more upset. "I don't... remember. How come I can't remember? Am I dying?"
"No," I replied, pushing myself up on the table to sit next to her "You're not dying."
"I feel like... I feel like I'm dying."
My heart squeezed with those words. She wasn't dying. She couldn't be dying. I needed her. Bailey, Zola and Ellis still needed her. She wasn't going to die.
"You're sick," I said. "But you're not dying." Alzheimer's. The disease sickened me. My wife might not be physically dying, but her mind... her mind was killing all the good things she knew.
You broke her. Every good thing Meredith is, happened despite you. That is on you.
"Okay..." she whispered. "How sick?"
"Meredith, you know I love you," I cupped her cheeks.
"Yes," she said. Somehow she seemed to sense the intensity of the hour, the stakes. Her eyes glistened with tears.
"You love me?"
"Yeah... your name... why can't I remember your name? I know you..." she played with her fingers, "I do. It's on the tip of my tongue..." Her fingers grazed over my cheek, as if touching me would give her more information. "I just..."
"It's okay," I took her hand. "I love you. You love me. And... you asked me if I would marry you."
"What?" She pulled her hand away, shocked.
"You did," I replied, straightening out.
"You're my husband? I must be crazy. ... what if I get Alzheimer's?"
"Meredith..." I sat beside her, unsure of what to say. But somehow she seemed to realize what she was hearing... what I was trying to say. She gaped, and pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around herself.
"That's it, isn't it? I have Alzheimer's. And I did some stupid corny thing like propose to you but now I've forgotten."
"Hm," I smiled.
Stupid, corny, idiotic... brainless brainman!
She looked up at the sky. "So what did you say?" she asked finally.
I turned her face toward mine and kissed her on the lips. "I said yes."
"Even if I'm senile and smelly?" she asked, her lips millimeters from my lips. All I wanted was to kiss her.
"Yes." I stole another kiss. "Especially."
"Mm," she sighed, her lips locking on mine as she pulled me closer. I reveled in her sweetness. Her supple cheek, the soft stroke of her tongue, the relaxed measure of her breath.
"In sickness, and in health, Meredith." I hugged her, I held her. Now was the hard part. "There's something else. What if we could treat you?"
"There's a treatment?" She looked up, hope spurning in her gorgeous emerald gaze. "Really?"
"But...It's complicated."
"So am I..." Meredith trailed, gazing down at the gravel path.
You would want the surgery.
I would want the future. Or to be asleep again. Nothing in between.
"We're looking at half measures right now. A half fix. The FDA can't approve the second stage of the treatment. For at least six months. So, for a little while, you'd be lucid, but the plaques and tangles will form again in your brain, and... the Alzheimer's will recur."
"So it's temporary."
"I... If we can fight this... if we can hold on for six months... you'd qualify for the second phase. With the second phase treatment... the theory is promising. We could regenerate the damage in your brain using stem cell therapy."
Meredith considered this. "So I'd be lucid..."
"Yes, well, for a little while." I replied.
"Oh," she said slowly. "Well... I..." she looked troubled, pained.
"Meredith?" I touched her shoulder.
"I don't know."
"There's a chance it could be permanent. They're working on it." I tried hopefully.
"But it could be too late. I could be gorked by then."
"Yeah," I flinched at her word usage. I didn't want to imagine her deteriorating any further. Gorked. She would not be gorked. I wouldn't let it get that far.
"Okay" she swallowed. Her eyes started to fill with tears.
"Meredith..."
"So that's it then? A few months... maybe a year of memories before I forget again."
If she had the procedure now, then yes. And then who knows? She could hang on long enough for the stem cell treatment... and then maybe... Maybe it would work.
But it wasn't my call.
"I don't think I want it." Meredith said finally.
"Meredith?" I asked, trying to make sure I heard right.
"I'm so tired..." she said, rubbing her eye with a fist. "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of wishing and hoping. I'm tired of the fogginess in my brain. I'm so tired."
I nodded. "I know. You've been fighting all this time. You did it, you know? The cure... it was your work. It just needs to be tested."
"I don't want to be a guinea thing or whatever. And I don't want to give my kids false hope. If it doesn't work..."
"Then it doesn't."
"And I become a vegetable? I can't do that to you. Or the kids. I'd rather..." she shook her head, not saying anymore. She didn't want the treatment. She just wanted to go in peace.
It wasn't what I expected. I thought she'd want to fight. But she had already. She fought so hard, that she managed to come up with a possible treatment. She fought so hard and still tried to remember me. Still tried to love me.
I pulled her close, kissed her forehead. "Okay. We should talk to Bailey." I helped her off the picnic table and slowly led her back to the path.
"Bailey? What does Dr. Bailey have to do with this?" Meredith asked from behind me.
"Not Dr. Bailey, our son Bailey." I said, gazing at the lake.
"Why? he's just a baby. He's too young to understand."
I squeezed her hand. "He's not. He's a man now. And he's in charge of your medical decisions." I replied.
"Oh," she blinked, and her gaze reflected her pain.
"Mere?"
"It's not fair." she shook her head. "I didn't want this. I didn't want him to... He shouldn't have to- I hate this! I hate... I hate Al- Alz- My brain! I hate it!" she pushed off of me and started to march away.
"Meredith!" I ran after her.
"It's not fair, It's just not- ah!" she tripped on the uneven ground, but I caught her. Pulling her tight to my chest, I hugged her as she cried.
"I don't want-" she stuttered. "I don't- I don't want him to save me. He's not supposed to..."
"Shh," I murmured into her ear. "Shh, it's okay. We'll tell him. We'll tell him."
xxx
Bailey:
Everything was spread out again. Mom's scans... couriered here early this morning, found their place over the light boards. Amelia's list of contacts, mom's book and dad's continuing notes. Her patient records. Every file. Everything that ever happened to her over the last four years. And our colorful whiteboard which had yet to be erased. I stared at it all. There had to be a way. There just had to.
A knock on the door roused me.
"Hey," Rebecca stepped in.
"Hi," I sighed wearily.
"Dr. Yang ordered pizza, are you hungry?"
I shook my head and stared, lost in thought.
"Are you okay?" she asked, touching my arm.
"We're so close... so close, Rebecca. But... it doesn't look like it's going to be enough. We're too late for her."
"I heard. I talked to your Aunt."
"It's just... I thought I could..."
"Could what?"
"Save her." I turned to face Rebecca. I barely knew her, but these last couple of weeks... she'd been witness to nearly every heartbreak and joy in my life. She knew me. She saw me.
I needed to be seen. Known. Loved. My father saw me now, but he didn't know me yet. There was a ten year gap where he was absent from my life. And my mother... I know she tried... but...
I had the love of my parents and sisters and extended family of course, but it was an expected love, an unconditional, always be there for you love. It lacked want. Wanting. It lacked risk. Rebecca... Was I just using her? Creating some emotional bond through sex so she'd be there for me? What was she to me?
I shook my head. I couldn't think this way about her now.
"She's your mom," Rebecca was saying. "Of course you want to save her."
I smiled bitterly. "She doesn't want to be saved. Not like it matters now anyway."
"But if you could, you would?"
I nodded. "She told me to try. She didn't want to be a vegetable, but if there was a chance, she wanted me to take it."
"If there's a chance..."
"Yeah," I said. "But there's no chance. We're too late."
Rebecca nodded, walking around the room pondering. "So this... Berk guy, he can do the waves?"
"Yeah." I said.
"But the stem cell stuff..."
"There hasn't been any testing. The FDA needs at least six months of animal trials before they'll even consider human trials..."
"But there has." Rebecca stated suddenly.
"What?" I asked turning around.
"Bailey... don't give up hope. I have to go." She bolted to the door.
"What? Rebecca, wait!" What was this? What did she know?
"I have to go to the hospital. The basement. There's something I have to check out,"
"Wait!" I chased after her, only to bump into my father as he rounded the corner, my mom in tow behind him.
"Bailey," he gripped my shoulders, his expression sad. "We have to talk."
TO BE CONTINUED!
A/N: Next update will be soon, it is a third of the way written. Please, please review! Let me know your thoughts... it helps keep me motivated. I literally spent the majority of my free time between my two jobs and my family obligations over the summer to pound this thing out. Help me out with a minute of your time and click the review button below!
Thanks so much!
