EndarkenedSanity: Lol my phone autocapitalizes "Gray" now X) I think I made up Sophie first and then might've picked Jamie as a lark to do a riff on the Rise of the Guardians kids. Except, you know, Sophie was the baby there. Gray's shadow is never not going to be confusing XD But it'll work out. Hehe, I had a gray rabbit. I still have her, actually XD It seems wrong to ditch the stuffed animals. Ha, I really like Badass Gray, Depressed Gray, Snarky Gray, and Freaking Adorable Gray XD So yay for Binkie.


Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt


"You wanna come over?" Natsu asked brightly as the team plus Lyon turned down the street toward the guild.

He was not fooled. "No thanks."

Half the guild and the entire team had taken his stand against the shadows to be a bad thing, and there had been several pointed comments directed his way in the week since. It didn't help that He had automatically tried using his curses on the bandits they had just been hunting down, only to realize at the last second that it was no longer an option. He should have realized that it would result in Natsu getting on his case again.

"Seriously, it'll be fun," Natsu said. "You can buy me ice cream and everything."

He gave him a funny look. "Why would I want to do that?"

"You made me buy you ice cream when you gave me lessons."

"I don't need lessons, thanks. I know how to use them."

"Could've fooled me," Lyon muttered.

He valiantly ignored the snarking. He had given in and reluctantly gone home with Natsu one day, where the dragon slayer had dragged him out back where the trees were still charred and blackened and began parroting back his lessons with great animation. And He had stared at Natsu and stared down at his hands and been too afraid to try. Staring down at his trembling hands, his resolve had only hardened. He wasn't going back to the shadows, and He didn't need to stand there helplessly and feel bad about his failure.

"Come on," Natsu whined. "I'll buy you ice cream."

The dragon slayer was trying so hard in his own way. Maybe because of their shared kinship with Awakenings, maybe because he wanted to give something back after He'd helped him with his own insecurities. If only He wasn't so resistant to being helped.

"I appreciate the offer," He said quietly, unlacing one arm to punch Natsu gently on the shoulder before wrapping it snugly around Binkie again and brushing past his friend, "but not right now."

He wasn't the only one who had been feeling the sting of failure. He could taste it in the air and knew what would be on his friends' faces if He turned around. But He could only save himself one step at a time, and they would have to go at his pace if they wanted to help.

"Well," Lucy said with forced cheerfulness, quite obviously trying to smooth out the tension and change the subject, "maybe it's just as well. It's Lisanna's birthday, remember? Everyone will have to be there for the party!"

He hummed his agreement, glad for the excuse, and the others took the hint and backed off. Thankfully, their job hadn't been so exhausting that they didn't have the energy to celebrate. Filing into the guild hall, though, He quickly realized that an entirely different air hung over the building.

And it had everything to do with Lyon's team plus Chelia sitting at a table and chatting with their perplexed hosts. He nodded to himself, glad to see that they'd taken his suggestion seriously. Lyon could use their company.

Then Sherry looked up and grinned and called Lyon's name, and He realized that He'd better get out of there. Although He appreciated the olive branch Yuka had offered him last time they'd talked, He didn't want to push his luck. Anyway, Lyon should be able to hang out with his friends without always having the demon lurking around behind him.

He stepped back and almost made it out of the building before Sherry waved at him.

"Hi, Gray!"

"Hi," He mumbled.

"Good to see you!" Chelia gave him a conspiratorial wink. "It's been a while."

"Yeah." He darted a look between them and Lyon, and winced at the stony expression Yuka had plastered on. "I think I'll just go."

"Oh, don't go!" Chelia's smile faded. "You can hang out with us."

"Yeah, maybe we could…" Lyon trailed off and gnawed at the inside of his cheek as he glanced between the demon and Yuka. The faint hope in his eyes was hard to crush—he was obviously desperate for a way to reconcile the important people in his life.

"I'm sorry," He mumbled, inching back another step. "I'll be back later."

"Before we leave?" asked Chelia. "You have to show me some more molding!"

"Before you leave," He agreed, knowing He could only escape for so long. And He'd give Lyon that much. A few minutes, at least. He couldn't fathom spending an entire day trying to play nice with Yuka. "I'll have to be back for Lisanna's party anyway. I'll show you whatever you want."

He slipped between his friends and out the door. They let him go after He waved them off sharply. They knew when He needed his space.

"Go bother the birthday girl," He told them as He drifted off down the street.

He wasn't sure what else He could do to put off dealing with Lyon's friends, but He definitely didn't feel prepared to succumb just yet. He felt a little bad about avoiding Chelia and Sherry and, by extension, the guild, but He figured that it was probably better to let them talk to Lyon without his interference first, right?

Sighing, He clutched Binkie tighter and buried his nose in the little dog's fur and looked out at the world with half-lidded eyes. He watched the people giving him odd looks and crossing themselves and scurrying to the other side of the street to avoid him. It was nothing new, especially after the news that He'd 'accidentally' killed someone and the mixed reaction it drew from the general public, but maybe that was why it was so tiring. It was the same day in and day out, and it got old.

Maybe He should just go back to the guild and hide in its safety away from all the prying eyes. But then again, He'd been getting some worried looks from them too since his epic meltdown following his Awakening and its aftermath, and Lyon's team had invaded his sanctuary.

The forest, maybe? Or just anywhere outside of town? Or, if all else failed, just hide in his apartment?

A middle-aged woman in a bright red dress scurried past him. She gave him a wary, unfriendly look and made the sign of the cross before hurrying on. He wondered if she was disappointed that He wasn't struck by lightning where He stood.

He started to turn down the next street, but paused as his eye caught on Kardia Cathedral. He glanced back at the woman, the scarlet fabric of her dress fluttering as she swished around the corner. Then He turned back and headed for the cathedral.

He hesitated on the threshold for a long moment, staring up at the imposing building uncertainly. This was one of the places He had always avoided. As a rule, He avoided 'holy' places. He didn't believe in any kind of higher power, nor did He particularly care about offending them if they did exist, but other people did. Partly his avoidance was out of respect for them, but perhaps mostly out of discomfort.

He felt like He didn't belong in those places. He didn't belong in the world in general, an unnatural abomination among men, but especially not in the places that were held in such reverent awe. He didn't like to feel that He was desecrating the people's sanctuary and trampling on the toes of their gods.

Swallowing hard, He pushed the doors open and peered inside. The building was empty, with no services going now in the middle of the week. He inched inside and let the doors swing shut behind him with a click that echoed off the high ceilings and stone walls.

He hugged Binkie ever tighter and rocked like a child as He crept down the aisle. His feet slowed to a stop nearly halfway up to the altar sitting on its stone block with steps that seemed like mountains.

He didn't belong here. He could feel it. He felt small and lost, an intruder in a world that was created to condemn him. It didn't matter if that was the truth. It didn't matter if their deities were real or not.

Belief was a powerful thing, whether or not the object of it was real. Belief made things real. It brought them to life. He didn't feel the humans' God, but He felt something bigger than himself that He didn't understand, whether it was a higher power or just the collected belief of the masses who worshiped here.

Hunching his shoulders, He stared at the tall windows with all their colorful glass jigsawed together into pictures and then back at the altar. Searching. He wasn't sure what exactly He was looking for, what He hoped to find here, but He didn't think He was finding it.

"Why?" He breathed into the stillness.

The silence He got in return was smothering.

This had been a bad idea. Whatever He had been secretly hoping to accomplish here was silly. He should go.

But He found himself rooted to the spot and couldn't make himself move until someone came up behind him and put a hand on his arm. He nearly jumped out of his skin and whipped around to see Mira watching him curiously, a brown paper bag clutched in her hand.

"Mira?" He asked stupidly. "What…? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," she said. "I've never seen you here before. Actually, I was picking up some last-minute things for Lisanna's party and saw you duck in here. I thought it was rather strange. What are you doing here?"

He looked back up at the altar shrouded in the secrets He would never find the answers to. "I don't know."

"Ah." Mira was silent for a moment before saying, "I come here sometimes. I started after we thought Lisanna had died, in the same way that we always used to visit her grave. Elfman never really understood. He came with me a couple times, but he could never find anything here. But I still came."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I was grieving and needed something to get me through. At first I just visited Lisanna's grave with Elfman, and eventually I ventured inside too and looked around and found something that I needed."

"But how can you know?" He asked. "You and the others. How can you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's some higher power out there who is looking out for you and protecting your dead and forgiving you for your sins?"

"Know?" She tilted her head curiously and smiled. "I don't know. Faith isn't about knowing. It's about believing. I wouldn't claim that my belief is anywhere near as strong or devoted as many of the people who come here, but I found something to believe in."

He found this unsatisfactory. "What good does that do?"

He wanted answers. Real, concrete answers that would make sense of the world and tell him his place in it. He was tired of being lost out in the meaningless abyss, fighting to keep his head above water.

"Belief is a powerful thing." Mira raised an eyebrow at him before turning her gaze back to the altar. "You know that. People need something to believe in. Maybe it doesn't matter if they're right or not, because it's real enough to them. We make our own truths, Gray, as much as we make our own lies. Everyone wants to believe in something, and who are we to stop them?"

He shifted uncomfortably, chastened yet not mollified. "It's wrong, though," He muttered mutinously. "Just look at me. Whatever story they feed you about fallen angels is bullshit. I was made from a Book, not by your God." He smiled bitterly. "I guess Zeref is my god, then. Things like me don't fit nicely into this worldview. I don't match up to your demons."

Mira looked back at him and smiled faintly. "Then maybe you aren't a demon."

He almost laughed. What was that supposed to mean?

"Of course I am," He said shortly. "That's the only thing I'm sure of."

"It's just a label, Gray." She shrugged. "It's what you are, not who you are. Technically you're a demon, in the same way that a dog is technically a dog. To someone afraid of dogs, that label would mean something entirely different than it would to someone who wasn't. The label is neutral—it's people who assign meaning to it."

"That doesn't change anything."

"Doesn't it? People called me a demon once too, when I was a child."

"But you weren't."

"Does it matter? They treated me like one until I started to believe them. Someone convinced that dogs are dangerous can turn the sweetest puppy into a raging beast in their mind…even if it's still just a dog." She smiled at him. "When someone calls you a demon, they're giving it an entirely different meaning than what you truly are. You aren't that kind of demon."

He shrank back a half-step. The high ceilings and wide walls closed in around him until it was suffocating, and He hunched his shoulders.

"But how can you know that?" He whispered.

Mira's smile widened, the corners of her eyes crinkling. "Because I believe. I believe in you."

He swallowed hard and hugged Binkie tighter, feeling small under her words. How could she say something so big like it should be so obvious?

Mira changed gears abruptly, sensing his discomfort. "I didn't realize you were back from your job. Why aren't you at the guild?"

He shrugged and looked away. "Lyon's team dropped by to visit him."

"Ah. You're avoiding them?"

"More or less, although I'll have to go back later. I promised Chelia I'd hang out with her."

"So you'll be back for the party?"

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it."

"Good." Mira started back up the aisle. "I need to go finish up. Come back when you're ready." She paused just inside the door and looked back. She worried her lip for a second before adding, "People want to believe in something bigger than themselves. But whatever that something is, it's really meant to help them believe in themselves. Find your something, Gray, so that you can find yourself."

She slipped outside and the door creaked shut behind her. He was left staring after her, frozen to the floor. He stared at the closed doors for a long time before slowly pivoting on his heel to look back up at the altar.

"Tell me, Binkie," He murmured into the silence, "what is it that we believe in?"

Predictably, Binkie didn't answer. Nothing else answered either, and He was left alone again with a thousand questions and no solution.

He drifted to the side and sat down on one of the wooden pews. The imposing chamber stretched out all around him, and He felt the weight of the humans' beliefs pressing in all around him again. He didn't think He could believe in their God. It was unfathomable to him how such a deity could let the world run this way, and He was unsatisfied with how He fit into such a world.

But still, there was something awe-inspiring about this place. As much as it made him feel small, like He should bow before the powers housed here, the stillness was saturated with a faith that made him want to believe. Believe in something. He had said that He'd decided to get better, so maybe Mira was right and He needed a way to believe in himself. How else could He expect to rebuild?

That would be easier said than done. He searched for the answers He realized He'd never find. He would find no cut-and-dry answers here, or anywhere. If He wanted answers, He would have to make them himself.

He sat in the cathedral for a long time, motionless in the surrounding stillness. At first his mind wandered as it searched for those answers, but then it went blank and He simply sat there and was. He wasn't sure if He'd call it finding peace, per se, but it was the closest thing He'd found in a while.

And then there was a soft creak from somewhere to the right, and the sound of wood scraping against the stone floor echoed off the walls.

He was on his feet in an instant and hurrying back for the main doors. Someone was coming in a side entrance, and He'd rather make his escape before they got on his case for desecrating their holy place.

He paused for only a moment to look back into the interior of the building before slipping outside. He hadn't found his answers here, but maybe He had found the beginnings of them.

He'd been intending to avoid the guild for much longer, but He had nothing better to do now than wander the streets and He'd had enough of aimless wandering for the moment. So He headed back, dragging his feet behind him.

Lucy spotted him first and a relieved grin split her face as she waved at him, but she didn't abandon her conversation to fuss over him. Just as well.

"You did come back," Chelia said. She was huddled with Wendy over in the corner, but now jumped to her feet and hurried over.

"I said I would," He said.

"Yeah, but…" She coughed awkwardly and shrugged. "Hey, you wanna play with some magic? You can show Wendy too! I was trying to tell her how amazing it is, but she doesn't believe me."

Wendy flushed crimson and rubbed at her face. "Gray-san's magic is pretty amazing. I didn't say it wasn't."

"Uh-huuuh…"

"I see it all the time!"

"I'm telling you, it's not the same."

He looked between them with no little bemusement. "Uhhh… Whatever you want. We can head out back if you want. There's more space."

"Okay!" Chelia chirped. She grabbed Wendy's wrist and the demon's elbow, and began tugging the hapless mages across the building with an overabundance of enthusiasm.

Lyon looked up as they passed, and his hopeful smile was enough to make the demon feel bad about leaving in the first place. "Have fun."

"Yeah," He mumbled.

Sherry smiled and waved, Toby inched closer to Lyon, and Yuka watched with a carefully blank expression that He found impossible to meet. He left them to their chat and let Chelia drag him along.

As soon as they stepped out into the grassy area behind the guild, she released her captives and turned expectant eyes on him. "You'll teach me more, right?"

"Sure. What do you want to learn?"

"Hmm…" A shifty look entered her eyes. "The ice is awesome, but maybe we could try something a little different?"

"…Like what?"

"Like…the shadows?"

He recoiled. "What?"

Wendy winced, obviously worried at the turn things had taken. Maybe she hadn't put Chelia up to this, then. But either she or Lyon must have said something about his struggle, or this shouldn't be coming up now.

Chelia's eyes were somber—she had some idea of what she was asking. "It might be cool," she said carefully. "It's something different."

He backpedaled, looking for a graceful way out that didn't involve the statement 'oh yeah, I can't use those anymore because I'm a fucking coward'.

"They aren't even magic," He protested weakly.

"So?" She shrugged. "I can't use magic either."

"Why would you want to mess with the shadows if you didn't have to?" He shook his head in incredulous disbelief.

"I just thought–"

"Absolutely not. We can do ice."

"But–"

Wendy stepped over and nudged Chelia in the side. She whispered something into her friend's ear and shook her head. Chelia subsided reluctantly.

"Ice it is," she said with a sigh. "Can we do a shield again? It's super cool."

He eyed her a little longer and then relaxed marginally. "If you want. Dunno about it being super cool, though. It's pretty basic."

"Maybe to you." Chelia's smile was wistful. "To me, it's amazing."

He bit his tongue and stepped over to her. "Here, can you hang on to Binkie for me?" He asked Wendy, passing the stuffed dog over.

"Sure," she said. She held the toy up to her chest and stepped back to watch.

He slipped his arms around Chelia and pulled her hands up in front of her. "Let's see how much you remember, then."

She folded her hands obediently, and He gently pushed her thumb into the right alignment. He didn't know how much good this really did her, giving her something that wasn't real and that would only remind her of what she had lost. But then again, maybe it didn't matter so much either way. As long as she believed in it, maybe it was real to her.

Shields really were one of the most basic and practical things in his arsenal of magic, maybe something He had begun taking for granted over time. But as He summoned up the magic and heard Chelia's delighted gasp, He felt a little spark reignite in his chest. It was an amazing magic, even if some of the wonder had worn off over the years.

"It's so pretty," Chelia sighed, grinning at the ice He—they—had created.

His eye twitched. "Pretty?"

"Yeah. It's all…flowery. Most of your stuff is all practical and badass, but the shields look like flowers. It's pretty."

His lips tightened and his gaze slid sightlessly off to the side. That was a holdover from the child whose magic this was and the woman who had taught it to him.

"I don't make pretty things," He grumbled anyway. Something that sounded suspiciously like a muffled giggle tickled the air, but He decided to give Wendy the benefit of the doubt.

Chelia laughed and twisted around to smile up at him. "Can we make flowers?"

"What?"

"I mean, the shields are already flowery. Can we make real flowers?"

"I don't make flowers."

"I bet they'd be super pretty!"

"I don't do pretty."

"Please?"

Chelia gave him the most pleading eyes she could muster, and He felt his resolve waver. He could make a few flowers to make the kid happy.

He nodded and then smiled wearily as she grinned and turned back to the ground in front of them, her brows knit in concentration. He let the shield dissolve and rearranged Chelia's hands.

He took a deep breath, let it out, and reached for the forbidden magic. He hadn't touched it for a long time, out of respect, and He hesitated for a long moment before taking the plunge and drawing it out.

The chilly magic swirled around them, taking his breath away. It had been a long time, but it flowed effortlessly from his fingertips. Delicate ice vines swirled before them in graceful loops, and slender thorns with sharp points grew effortlessly from the stems. And the roses opened their crystal petals and shimmered gently in the sun.

"Wow," Chelia breathed as she watched the icy rose garden bloom before their very eyes. "Beautiful."

Something tightened in his chest, until He breathed out in a sigh and felt the tension ease.

Behind them, someone sucked in a sharp breath.

He spun around, his heart jumping into his throat as if He'd gotten caught doing something wrong. Lyon's team and a handful of Fairy Tail mages were peeking outside, maybe checking on how things were going. But He had eyes only for Lyon, who was standing in the doorway and staring back at him with wide eyes and a white face. The air fled his lungs all at once, and they stared at each other for a moment that lasted an eternity before the guilt and shame poured over him white-hot.

The roses shattered into a fine crystal mist behind him.

He backed away, away from Chelia and Wendy and the onlookers, but mostly away from Lyon.

"I'm sorry," He croaked. He wrapped his arms around himself, but Wendy still had Binkie and the gesture brought him no comfort. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

Lyon continued to stare at him like he'd seen a ghost. He wanted to sink into the ground and die.

"They look exactly like hers," Lyon rasped finally, his voice hoarse and grating in the stifling silence. He swallowed and inched back another step, his gaze dropping to the ground. "Do it again."

"What?" His gaze snapped up automatically with his bewilderment, despite his reluctance to meet Lyon's eyes.

"It's been so long since…" Lyon let out a breathy, shaky laugh and looked down at his hands, his lips twisting into a bitter smile. "I was always jealous that you could recreate them so perfectly. I never could. I tried, for a while, but it was never the same." The ice mage looked back at the demon with almost pleading eyes. "Can you do it again?" he asked in a small voice.

He stood frozen, paralyzed with confusion and indecision. Lyon looked so small now, and lost, like a child left adrift after his world had been torn away. And He couldn't turn away from that child.

He took a tentative step forward and hesitated again, worrying his lip. Then He pulled in a lungful of air and crept back over slowly as Lyon watched him with those peculiar eyes.

"It's not really that hard," He mumbled, almost a whisper. He wavered but then tugged Lyon forward gently and circled around behind him. "You can do it too, if you believe."

He reached around Lyon and pulled his hands into proper molding form. If Lyon could help him make the ice move, He could help him recreate Ur's roses.

"Give me your magic," He breathed into Lyon's ear.

He was already teasing out the magic and letting it fill the air, and the ice looped and bloomed in crystal vines and roses. And He could feel something else woven into it, an undercurrent that took a second to place but felt a lot like Lyon.

He dropped his arms and stepped back, but Lyon's arm shot out and his fingers clutched the demon's sleeve. He halted awkwardly. After a few seconds of silent staring, Lyon looked back and gave him a watery smile.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Y-yeah…"

Lyon released him and turned his wistful gaze back to the roses, and He hovered uncertainly, not knowing what to do now.

"Gray-nii!"

He turned with a frown to see Asuka weaving her way through the legs of the adults clustered around the doorway. She broke loose and bounced toward him, and He found himself trapped between Lyon and the advancing child.

"Asuka? What are you doing?"

"I wanna learn your magic too!"

"You can't, um… Where's your mom?"

"Inside."

"Shouldn't you maybe go back to her?"

Asuka pouted and crossed her arms as she stopped in her tracks. "You're playing with Chelia and Wendy. Play with me too!"

"I can't really… Maybe you should get your mom."

"Why?"

"You're not really…" He cleared his throat and searched for an excuse that wouldn't paint either him or Bisca in a bad light. "You're not really supposed to, um, play with me. Right?"

That…was not a good excuse to get her off his case. But it was true, and He knew Bisca must have told her daughter something along those lines. Asuka just didn't want to listen.

"But why?" Asuka stamped her little foot on the ground. "Why will you play with everyone but me?"

"Um…"

"Asuka!"

Bisca appeared in the doorway, shoving past Lucy and Toby to step outside. Her eyes immediately locked on Asuka and the demon.

He backed up hurriedly, bumping into Lyon in his haste to put some distance between himself and Asuka. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't…"

He trailed off and wilted under her inscrutable gaze. He was just screwing up everything today.

"He didn't even do anything," Erza muttered pointedly in Bisca's direction.

Bisca stood there silently, gaze darting between Asuka and the demon, and then closed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose, and sighed. "You want to play with Gray and the girls?"

"Yes!" Asuka said quickly. "I never get to play with him anymore!"

"…Alright. Make sure you come back inside when you're finished," Bisca said, keeping her gaze fixed on the demon. He blinked back at her uncomprehendingly, even as she nodded to him slightly, turned on her heel, and disappeared back inside the guild.

He was floored. She was not only giving him her blessing to play with her daughter, but she wasn't even going to supervise? Maybe she figured Wendy and Chelia would be enough to keep him in line.

He shook his head in disbelief as Asuka cheered and bounced about spastically. Lyon, now composed and showing no sign of his brief breakdown, elbowed him in the ribs as he swept past and headed for the guild.

"Looks like things are going alright out here," he said. "Try not to scar the children too badly." Pausing in the doorway, he looked back at the girls with a sly smile. "And when you want to learn some real ice magic, you're always welcome to come find me."

"Hey!" He squawked, awkwardness falling away as He drew himself up to his full height and scowled at the cocky bastard. He choked back his instinctive curse with a quick glance at Asuka and settled for, "Go away."

Lyon howled with laughter and disappeared into the building with a backward wave. His indignation flickered out as his eye caught on Lyon's team. Sherry smiled at him, and Toby nodded a little as he hid behind his companion. Yuka held the demon's eye for a long moment, gaze unreadable, and then inclined his head in the slightest of nods.

He watched stupidly as they headed back inside. Lucy gave him a small wave and Erza a thumbs up before the rest of the onlookers filed back into the guild to leave him and the kids in peace again.

Peace was, of course, relative.

Asuka was already dancing around and tugging at his sleeve, babbling about all the different things she wanted to play. And Chelia was rambling about how cool it was to be included in the magic and how Wendy should try it too, while Wendy shuffled about awkwardly and tried to stay on the sidelines.

Amazing how three small girls could create so much chaos.

He had to 'teach' Asuka some basic molding since she didn't want to be left out, and then run through a few more things with Chelia since she so desperately wanted to be included. Even Wendy participated a little, caving under Chelia's pressure. Binkie was shuffled around, passed to whoever had a free hand.

And then He created a series of whimsical ice creations for them, whatever outlandish things they requested. And when even that started getting old, they devised ridiculous games to play with ice.

And then Asuka sneezed.

He stopped in his tracks and blinked at her owlishly, taking in her frost-nipped nose and pink cheeks. They had been out here for a long time, and He mentally kicked himself for not paying more attention. He rushed over and touched her skin experimentally, and then the other girls'. They were ice cold.

"You're freezing!" He exclaimed, aghast. "You should have told me when you were getting too cold! Come on, come on, let's get you inside before you catch a cold."

Bisca was going to kill him.

"Aw, but I wanna keep playing!" Asuka whined.

He grabbed the hand that wasn't currently clutching Binkie and towed her along at a rapid pace, motioning for Wendy and Chelia to follow. "Let's go warm you up."

"Finally finished?" Natsu asked as they headed inside. "Good. It's been kind of boring and I want to beat you up."

"Is everything alright?" Sherry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Fine, fine," He said impatiently.

He dragged the girls across the room and into the kitchen with such speed and alacrity that He was surprised Bisca didn't come storming after them to demand to know what was wrong. Mira, Lucy, and Erza were hovering over a hideous cake on the table, but at least the kitchen was nice and warm, probably from the heat of the oven they'd baked the cake in. He released Asuka and made a beeline for the stove. There was milk boiling in a saucepan almost before the girls realized He was there.

"Did you guys have fun?" Lucy asked with a smile.

"Yes!" Asuka said immediately.

"I need to find them blankets or something," He said, already turning away. "I should have been paying more attention. Bisca won't let me within a hundred feet of Asuka again if I got her sick."

On cue, Asuka sneezed again. He hurried out of the room and to the storeroom, ignoring everyone who might have tried catching his attention. A couple minutes of rummaging about on messy shelves and in dusty boxes turned up two old blankets and a brown jacket big enough for even Laxus to fit into. He had no idea who any of it belonged to, but He was commandeering them for a good cause.

Back in the kitchen, He wrapped Wendy in the jacket and bundled Asuka and Chelia into blankets before turning back to the stove and quickly grabbing all the necessary ingredients to dump into the pan.

"What are you doing?" Erza asked, abandoning the cake to get to the bottom of the demon's discomfort.

"Making hot chocolate," He grunted as He stirred the chocolate mixture. "I need to warm them up before they catch a cold."

"Really?" Chelia perked up instantly. "Like after our snowball fight? Ooh, wait for this, Wendy! It's awesome! Your hot chocolate is so good! Teach me how to make it too."

"Me too!" Asuka chirped. She bounced over and untangled her arms to reach up for him. "Pick me up!"

"Hey, hey, get back in the blanket." He leaned down to rearrange the fabric around her shoulders from where it had been dislodged.

"Pick me up!" she insisted.

Seeing no graceful way around it, He groaned and snatched the girl into the air, settling her on his hip so that He could grab the wooden spoon with his other hand and get back to stirring the cocoa. Asuka circled her arms around his neck and hung on, peering into the pan with wide, curious eyes.

She asked questions and Chelia asked questions, and somehow He found himself being the hot chocolate teacher too. But Asuka still had the attention span of a child, and soon lost interest in the mysteries of stirring.

"Spin me!" she demanded.

He arched an eyebrow. "Spin you?"

"Yeah! Spin, spin, spin! It'll be fun!"

"Not as much fun as it sounds," Chelia said with a rueful laugh, and He remembered the unfortunate predilection Lamia Scale's guild master had for spinning misbehaving mages.

He gave Asuka a sly smile. "Chelia doesn't think it'll be fun."

"Chelia is wrong!" Asuka said emphatically. "Spin!"

"Well, don't say we didn't warn you…" He dropped the spoon and whirled around, spinning on his heel before whipping back around.

Asuka laughed. "Faster!"

And He was sure He looked like an idiot spinning around the kitchen until He got dizzy, but Asuka was grinning and it had been so long since He'd held her. He pitched forward and made as if to drop her backward, although He kept his arms snugly behind her. She shrieked with laughter and reached up to try getting her arms back around his neck.

"Do you surrender?" He asked with a grin as He leaned down over her.

"No!"

"I might have to drop you, then."

"You wouldn't!"

"You're right, I wouldn't. Hm… I'll tickle you, then."

"You wouldn't!"

His grin widened. "You wanna bet?"

Asuka's eyes went as wide as dinner plates. "I surrender!"

He chuckled and heaved the child back up to an upright position. She immediately wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and leaned her head against him. A small smile tugged at his lips as He rested his chin on top of her head and freed a hand to pick up the spoon again.

As He got back to stirring, He caught a glimpse of Mira and the others watching him with expressions that were much too amused. "What are you looking at?" He grumbled.

"You're so cute!"

His eye twitched. "I am not cute."

Erza laughed. "Aw, you've always been so cute with kids."

He decided it was probably better to ignore them.

Chelia cleared her throat softly, with a new solemnness that immediately grabbed his attention. "Those were Ur's roses, weren't they?" she mumbled.

He stared down blankly at the bubbling liquid in the pan, the spoon stilling in his hand. "…Yes."

"Oh. Thank you. For sharing them with us."

"Mm." He shook his head and got back down to business, not wanting to touch that right now. "Hey, it's done. Someone want to grab us some mugs?"

Wendy fetched three mugs, and He poured the cocoa into them as best He could with one hand.

"Alright, let's get you back to your mom," He murmured into Asuka's hair. She didn't remove her hands, so He held her mug for her. "Let's go, girls."

He ushered Wendy and Chelia back out into the main room and left them with Lyon and his team. He got out of there as quickly as possible to avoid any potential teasing, but could already hear Chelia rambling all about their 'magic lessons'.

Bisca looked up as He approached, and He cleared his throat awkwardly as He set the cocoa down on the table and pried Asuka's arms from around his neck so that He could pass her over to her mother.

"Sorry," He mumbled, dropping his gaze and shuffling his feet. "I don't really feel the cold the same way they do and I didn't realize… I should have paid more attention."

"…It's alright," Bisca said. He snuck a glance up and saw her watching him with an almost curious expression as she settled Asuka on her lap and rearranged the blanket. "Honestly, I'm not going to bite you. She'll be fine."

He smiled a little sheepishly and turned away, but hadn't made it more than a few steps before Asuka called, "Gray-nii!"

"What's up?" He asked, turning back.

"You forgot Binkie!" She wriggled around and produced the stuffed dog from somewhere within the folds of the blanket she was swaddled in. She held it out to him expectantly.

"Oh." He took it reverently and folded his arms around it again. A tension He hadn't entirely been aware of eased as the empty place was filled again. "Thanks, kiddo."

Asuka tilted her head curiously. "Does he help?"

He stared back, then swallowed hard and dropped his gaze back to the floor. "Yeah," He mumbled. "He helps."

"Good."

He flashed her a small smile and headed back for the kitchen.

"Hey, are you making hot chocolate?" Lisanna called after him.

"I was making hot chocolate."

"Make me some too!"

"…'Was' being the operative word."

"It's my birthday. You have to."

"It's not even cold!"

"It's my birthday."

He groaned and she laughed, her eyes sparkling mischievously. Unfortunately, social convention dictated that it was poor taste to deny the request of the birthday girl.

"Does anyone else want any?" He asked no one in particular, resigned to his fate.

"I'd rather beat you up," Natsu said.

Cana snorted loudly. "I'd rather have some more booze, thanks."

"My hot chocolate is far better than yours," Lyon said primly.

"You can bring me some!" Sherry said.

Lyon's expression turned to one of horror. "Sherry!"

She grinned unrepentantly. "Sorry."

He shook his head as half the guild chimed in with their opinion, and then gratefully slipped back into the kitchen. Apparently He still had more work to do.

"What's up?" Lucy asked as she took in his disgruntled expression.

"Apparently I'm now making cocoa for half the guild," He grumbled, fetching the necessary ingredients and getting back to work.

"Oh, great! You can make me some too."

"Me too," Erza added.

"And me," Mira chimed in.

He gave them a despairing look. "Et tu, Brute?"

They actually had the nerve to crack up.

"Hey, while you're waiting for that, care to tell us what you think of the cake?" Lucy asked.

"We worked really hard on it," Erza said proudly.

He stole another glance at the monstrous cake. It looked like it had maybe started off nice, with a clean white base coat and pretty purple flowers, but someone had gone overboard with the decorations and now purple blobs and smears ran all over the top and sides. And someone's penmanship of 'Lisanna' had been a little shaky and subpar.

"It's…a nice shade of purple?"

Lucy sighed heavily, her face falling. "It's horrible. I told you it was horrible."

"It's not that bad," Erza protested.

Mira smiled tiredly. "It's pretty bad."

"Hey, I tried, alright?"

Unfortunately, Erza's artistic ambition had always outweighed her talent. But it never stopped her from trying, and He could admire that.

"It'll still taste good," He said. "And she'll like it because you put a lot of effort into it. So it's not so bad."

The girls blinked at him and then smiled.

"Right as always," Lucy said with a laugh. "Thanks, Gray."

"I didn't do anything," He grumbled. "Come get your hot chocolate."

He poured the girls some cocoa and set about searching the cabinets to collect a wide variety of mugs. "Hey, Luce, can you hang on to Binkie for me?"

"Sure thing." She took the dog and her mug, eyeing him in amusement.

"Can I borrow your tray, Mira?"

"Go for it," she said with a chuckle as she accepted her drink. "It'll be fun to see you play waitress."

He gave her a wounded look. "You guys are brutal today."

This sent them all back into paroxysms of laughter. Sticking his nose in the air with all the—admittedly, wounded—pride He could muster, He poured the rest of the drinks, arranged them on the tray, and swept out of the room without a backward glance at his tormentors. Their maniacal cackling followed him back out into the main room.

He circled around behind Wendy and Chelia to hand Sherry her cocoa. She thanked him while He looked over the blanket-wrapped girls with critical eyes.

"Feeling any better?" He asked.

"Nice and toasty!" Chelia said brightly, taking another sip of her hot chocolate.

"Fine, thank you," Wendy added. "Your hot chocolate is really good, Gray-san!" She looked down shyly. "And Chelia was right. Your magic is pretty amazing too."

"You'd better believe it," He said with a faint smile.

He set down another mug in front of Lyon, who put up some token protests but took a sip anyway. Because he might be bitter, but he knew the demon's hot chocolate far surpassed his.

He didn't gloat over this fact, still feeling a bit awkward after the whole rose thing. He made to escape, but paused as his eye caught on Yuka sitting on the other side of the table. He hesitated, his hand tightening around the handle of one of the mugs on the tray. It would be rude not to offer, but He also knew that Yuka didn't want anything from him. Last time He'd made cocoa, back when they'd had their snowball war at Lamia Scale, Yuka had refused to touch anything He'd so much as looked at funny. He darted a look between Toby and Yuka before taking an awkward step back.

Yuka let out a harsh breath through his nose and held out his hand. He froze and eyed him uncertainly before slowly reaching out to hand him the mug. The other man took it without looking down, still watching the demon with hooded eyes. After finally tearing his gaze away to give the chocolatey liquid a dubious look, he took a small sip. After pausing for a moment, presumably to ensure that he didn't keel over from poison or some other demonic trick, he took another.

"Huh." Yuka raised an eyebrow at Lyon. "It's better than yours."

"What?" Lyon puffed out his chest and glowered at his friend with the righteous indignation of the betrayed. "Are you insane?"

"Not that that's saying much."

"Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?"

He smiled a little despite himself. It was good to see Lyon back with his team…and He'd never say no to watching the cocky bastard get taken down a peg.

He offered a mug to Toby as well, with all the same hesitation as He'd had for Yuka. Toby's gaze flitted quickly between his teammates before he nervously snatched the mug. He backed away to a more respectful distance, satisfied that He'd done his part in playing nice.

He didn't like to admit how the small, grateful smile Lyon shot him made his heart lift just a little.

He quickly made his escape and passed out the remaining cocoa. He was about to retreat back to the safety of the kitchen when Mira and her helpers dragged out the cake. He noticed with some annoyance that Lucy had lost Binkie somewhere along the way.

"We have cake!" Erza announced. She made it sound like an earth-stopping proclamation. To her, it probably was.

"Wow, it's kinda ugly," said Natsu. His mouth was running ahead of his brain, as per usual.

"Excuse me? What did you say, Natsu?"

Natsu gulped loudly and shrank back. "Nothing?"

"I think it's perfect," Lisanna said with a smile, smoothing over the ruffled feathers. "Natsu, would you be so kind as to light my candles for me?"

Natsu's fear morphed into mischievous delight. "I thought you'd never ask!"

He shook his head as Natsu sucked in a breath and spewed a torrent of fire at the cake. This resulted not only in the candles being lit, but in half the frosting melting down the sides in liquidy globs.

"…And now it's even uglier," Gajeel muttered. Levy elbowed him in the ribs.

"Uh…" Elfman looked between Erza's furious scowl and Mira's trembling lips. "Maybe we should sing happy birthday?"

This solution was seized upon eagerly by everyone present. Aside from the resident demon.

He looked on as the guild broke into a raucous rendition of what should be the most basic song in existence, but his lips stayed firmly sealed. Sighing, He stuck to the walls and escaped to the kitchen as unobtrusively as possible. He found Binkie perched on the counter and switched out the tray for the dog.

"Well, Binkie, why are birthdays always so annoying?"

Binkie didn't answer, and He felt stupid for continuing to talk to a toy. He wasn't sure what it was about birthdays that left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He liked to celebrate with his friends, was especially sure that He was glad they'd been born and were still alive, and yet…

Maybe it was just his own experiences that had soured him on the idea. Maybe He was still just traumatized from Gray's birthdays. He really shouldn't let his personal birthday woes color everyone else's.

When He slipped back out of the kitchen and rejoined the fray, Mira and Erza were hacking up the cake with great gusto.

"Damn, girl, you're getting so old!" Cana said, poking Lisanna in the ribs as they hovered near the cake table.

"I am not!" Lisanna protested.

"Don't say that!" Mira wailed. "I'm not old either!"

"Don't worry," He said with a chuckle as He made his way over. "I've got a few hundred years on all of you."

Cana whistled. "And you're still looking damn fine for such an old man."

"You'd better believe it, kiddo."

Cana grinned and waggled her eyebrows suggestively. "We should spice up Lisanna's party a little, yeah? She's a big girl now. We oughta get her a stripper, and you've got the body to go with it! Time to get you back in the habit!"

"Cana!" He almost choked on his own spit. "There are children present!"

"So? I'm always present too, and I can guarantee they've heard far worse things come out of my mouth."

The fact that this was most probably true was not horribly reassuring. He shook his head and turned to Lisanna instead, ignoring Cana's cackling. It seemed like everyone was just out to get him today.

"Happy birthday," He told Lisanna with a small smile.

"Thanks." She smiled back and took a plate of cake from Mira to hand to him. "Enjoy the cake. It tastes better than it looks."

"I sure hope so," He muttered under his breath. And then beat a hasty retreat to avoid Erza's wrath.

He slunk over to where Natsu and Happy were gobbling down huge portions of cake. He poked at his cake a little and took a few bites. He still hadn't quite regained his appetite, but He was making it a point to always eat at least a little even if He wasn't feeling it. If nothing else, it would help negate accusations of starvation.

He surrendered the rest of the cake to the bottomless pits beside him, and looked on in amusement as the party raged on and went to ridiculous heights…as with most Fairy Tail parties. He was busy snarking Natsu under the table when He was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder and turned to see Lyon and his team hovering behind him.

"We're actually going to head out and maybe grab dinner," Lyon said. "Maybe somewhere…quieter. Where we can talk and whatever. If that's okay?"

"Of course," He said. "You should talk. You don't have to follow me around everywhere, you know. It's fine."

"Okay." Lyon chewed on his lip some more, but then smiled a little. "Thanks," he said softly, and He got the feeling it wasn't about this unnecessary permission. "I'll see you tonight."

"…Yeah."

He stared after Lyon until he and the others had disappeared out the door. He almost didn't notice that Erza and Lucy had finally migrated back over and had been waiting quietly for Lyon to wrap things up.

"Actually," Erza said, "we want to take you out too. I mean, we have something to give you."

"But the party…"

"It's fine. We've already given our well-wishes and all that, and there will always be more parties. But this is the perfect opportunity since Lyon left too."

"Lyon?"

"Yeah." Lucy smiled and rubbed at her nose sheepishly. "Lyon is great, but this is team business."

And if He wanted Lyon to reconnect with his team, maybe it was important that He reconnect with his own team too. He stood without another word, bracing himself for whatever was coming. After the hell He'd put his friends through, He'd go along with whatever team bonding exercise they wanted to try.

He followed his friends down the street, trying to figure out where they were going.

"My apartment," Lucy said as if sensing his unspoken question. "That's where we left it."

"Okay."

The walk was short, which was just as well since it was also almost silent. A hushed, expectant air hung over his friends as if they were gearing themselves up for this too. That sort of tense, hopeful feeling that Lyon got when hoping He'd make nice with Yuka and Toby too.

He filed inside after them and watched as Lucy dug through her drawers.

"Where did I put it?" she mumbled in frustration.

"Check your kitchen cabinets," Happy said seriously. "That's where Natsu finds everything."

"Hey!"

"Found it!" Lucy pulled out a small box and brandished it with a triumphant air, but immediately became more serious as she turned back to the demon. "We, um, we want you to have this."

"We know your necklace had a lot of meaning and everything," Happy added. "And maybe it's okay that you gave it to your shadow thing, because I don't think you really needed all those reminders that you kept it for."

"But that doesn't mean you don't need some reminders," Erza said gently, effectively taking over for the others. "Sometimes you just need to remember who you are, when you forget to see it in yourself. And that you belong with us. We're your guild and your team and your family. And you're our Gray. No matter what else, you always have a place here…even when you don't feel like you do or you try to run away from us."

"Also," Natsu interrupted, "it's really weird seeing you without your stupid necklace."

"Natsu!"

Lucy hurriedly stepped between Erza and Natsu to halt the brewing argument and held out the box to the demon. Flipping the lid open, she revealed a coiled chain decorated with a small silver replica of Fairy Tail's guild mark.

His fingers twitched automatically, wanting to reach for the pendant that was no longer around his neck, but He didn't need to complete the gesture while He was holding Binkie. He stared at the necklace for a long moment, feeling the weight of his friends' nervousness and hopefulness and expectancy.

"But what makes me your Gray or any other Gray," He asked softly rather than accepting it, "instead of Deliora or anything else?"

The tense silence was thick enough to cut with a knife. His team shifted around, clearly not liking the turn this was taking.

"Deliora is who you were," Natsu said finally. "Gray is who you are now."

"Except that I'm still both," He disagreed without any heat. It was too simple an answer to the question that had been nagging at him for so long.

There was another long pause before Erza decided to take a stab at it.

"You can be both," she said carefully, "but that doesn't make you not Gray. Deliora is who you were before, your Before, and Gray is who you were After. Deliora was something that was created by Zeref, that you didn't have a choice over, and Gray is who you created yourself. Deliora is who you were created to be, and Gray is who you chose to become instead. And maybe you're still Deliora because that's how you were made and it's woven into your DNA, but you've been Gray every step of the way for a long, long time. So…maybe it's that Deliora is what you are, and Gray is who you are."

A demon by any other name. Could it be so simple? His thoughts meandered back to his earlier encounter with Mira at the cathedral. He was a demon—was Deliora—as a fact of classification. And Gray, then, was what He had created after the fact, those humanlike—human?—parts of himself that defined him today. What He had built on top of the demonic scaffold He'd started with.

And so maybe it was okay that He was both, because He'd tried and failed for years to stamp out either side. He had tried and failed to make himself human by stamping out every trace of his demonic side, and He had failed just as miserably trying to clamp down on his humanlike side and go back to his demonic persona. Maybe that was his problem.

His gaze dropped to the shadow lurking at his feet. "What do you think, Deli, love? Do we accept those terms?"

It twitched and fell still again. Yes.

"Alright."

He might need something to believe in, but He had always believed in the guild. And they had been trying so hard to make him believe in himself. He wasn't sure if He could really believe in himself just yet, but He believed in them and so He would try to believe for their sake.

Gray took a deep breath and let it out slowly, cautiously pulling out his half-abandoned name and identity again. It was worth a shot, wasn't it, to see if this was who he really was? If nothing else, he'd promised that he would try to get better. He had a hard time imagining how he would really improve if he didn't figure this part out.

His friends were giving him odd looks, but he just reached out and pulled the necklace from the box. He stared down at the chain coiled in his palm and laced about his fingers, debating if he was ready to take this step.

"Natsu?" he said softly.

"Huh? What?"

"Do you…remember when you said we were like brothers because of Zeref? Right before I joined the guild again?"

"Yeah. You nearly choked to death on an ice cube and then threw a tantrum."

"I…" He swallowed. "I think I would like to be your family after all." He looked up and bit his lip as he ran his gaze over his friends. "I…think I would like to be all of your family again."

They all exchanged looks and then smiled back at him.

Natsu punched him lightly on the arm. "Don't be stupid. You always have been."

This was what he wanted. He believed in them, and they made him want to believe in himself. He looked back down at the necklace they had given him and rubbed it absently between his fingers as he debated.

And then Gray put it on.


"What are you doing?" Lyon asked from where he'd set up on the couch, as Gray held the door open with his foot and shuffled inside.

"I got a mirror," Gray grunted. He dragged the looking glass across his apartment and to the bathroom, and set about gathering everything he needed to mount it on the wall over the sink. "I did say I needed to cover up those horrible paintings of yours."

"Hey," Lyon protested halfheartedly. He drifted over to watch the proceedings from the doorway. "Why now?"

Gray shrugged. "It's been a long time since I've had a mirror."

When he got it successfully installed and stepped back, he realized that his frost had seeped out to automatically coat the mirror again. It was a struggle to let go and force it to dissipate, but he forced himself to look.

It had been a long time since he had looked—really looked—at himself in a mirror. He caught a glimpse of his shadow in the glass, creeping up the wall behind him as if to peer into the mirror itself.

Maybe his ice had picked up an affinity for covering mirrors because he didn't want to see the demon shining through. And maybe his shadows had picked up a similar dislike of mirrors because they didn't want to see the human peeking through.

Gray could see both now. There was so much of his darkness clouding his eyes, but he could catch glimmers of what he imagined the others saw when they looked at him. He didn't know much of anything, but he believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that he could find the humanity if he looked hard enough.

Lyon stepped up and peered over Gray's shoulder, eyes solemn and curious reflected in the mirror. When Gray looked at himself and Lyon side by side, he could almost see the family resemblance.

"What do you see?" Lyon asked.

"I don't know," Gray admitted. "I don't know, but I intend to find out."


Note: As you may or probably don't know, I'm actually Catholic. I usually keep the religious symbolism and themes really subtle—both because I'm more interested in writing a story than a religious treatise and because I don't feel like dealing with that group of intolerant jerks who would jump down my throat for no good reason—but yes, they're sometimes there. This is about as obvious as it gets. But for the record, Gray's stance isn't because I'm anti-religion but because it fits who he is here, and I generally prefer to work with messages and themes that can apply to everyone and not just the traditionally religious. I'm not really all that into shoving religion down people's throats lol I sort of like Mira's view on it, actually. But that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of the faith I grew up with either, and I won't apologize for it.

emmahoshi: Yup, I kind of really ran with the child symbolism and themes here. Idk, I think they mean a lot to demon Gray because of his own past and the other Gray's, along with everything about how they see the world differently and unfiltered. Admittedly, it's not a theme set that I usually work with, but I enjoyed it here. Hm, good catch on the beautiful/ugly juxtaposition. That's actually going to come up again at the end. I did read your mirror manga lol I wish it was a bit more fleshed out and my inner psych major is wailing about how that's really not how memory works at all, but it was a pretty touching story XD Maybe I'll check out the others sometime. [EDIT: Sadly, my suspension of disbelief only goes so far XD But I can appreciate a good story, and you know I enjoy those great sibling/friend relationships :3 I wish more people wrote about them!]