Author's Note: Writing this chapter was so hard. Words cannot express my frustration when writing this chapter. I wanted it to be perfect, and I am happy with the way it turned out. I sincerely hope that this FIFTIETH CHAPTER doesn't let any of my faithful readers down.
Special Thanks: Shiningheart of ThunderClan! Without you and your wonderful review, this chapter would have turned out very differently. This chapter is all yours; I just hope you like it since you inspired it.
Word Count: 5180
Chapter 50: Oh, The Places I've Been (Awkward Situations)
No One
The small black figure stayed perched on the railing as the single sun rose over the tops of the trees, and he didn't even blink as the light shone on his boots and hit his eyes. Soft footsteps caused the worn boards of the old temple to creak quietly, and he felt the back of his neck tighten as her presence came closer. Her mint green hair gleamed prettily in the bright light, and her ruby eyes shone with happiness.
No words were exchanged; none needed to be exchanged. He removed the small stone from its resting placed around his neck and pressed the warm jewel into her hand. Her eyes glittered as her fingers closed around it, and it was then that she noticed what lay against his dark shirt. Another gem, the twin of hers, laid against his chest. With a cry of joy, she flung her arms around his neck.
Inside of the temple, the old woman could hear the quiet clattering of solid tears and a single word whispered repeatedly. Brother.
.xXx.
As he searched across the world, he felt lighter than usual. His sister, his sister, accepted him. She accepted him, forgave him…loved him. The word felt foreign on his tongue and weighed heavily on his mind. Love was still a concept that his mind could not grasp. He was raised by bandits, ruthless creatures that only held love for blood and destruction. Bandits that had abandoned him when his bloodlust had grown beyond their control. Love…it was something he had never felt. Or so he thought. Was it only a sense of duty that made him watch over his sister? What was his purpose for defending beings he had once tried to kill? Honor? Pity?
As the days turned to weeks, he became even more confused. He searched for someone who could answer his questions; someone who might understand. Not that he expected that idiot to know much of anything, but even help from a buffoon was better than nothing. After searching the whole world over, he finally found the one he had been seeking. His back was propped up against a sun-warmed tree, and he was chewing on a piece of straw as he cut at a block of wood. There was a house not too far from him, barely big enough for one person to live comfortably.
As he approached, eyes the color of chocolate rose to meet his. He was surprised, that much was evident by the widening of his eyes. After a silent moment, loud guffaws echoed off the surrounding trees. He pulled his face into a familiar scowl and crossed his arms. Stupid human. After a few more loud laughs, silence reigned over the two. Finally, having enough of the staring match, the idiot spoke.
"Why are you here, Hiei?"
That's what it all came down to, wasn't it? Why was he here? He barely knew himself. He just knew that he needed to find the idiot; knew that only the idiot could help him. The idiot must have been able to tell, because he sighed and pointed to the green grass.
"Take a seat and tell me what's wrong with ya."
He didn't like being ordered around, but he folded his legs beneath him and sat on the ground. The sun warmed his bare arms, and the grass felt soft beneath his fingers. The human, the demon, began to whistle around the straw and started cutting on the wood again. The two sat in silence as the sun rose higher in the sky, and he finally decided that now was the time to talk. He was no coward, and he wanted his questions answered.
"What is love?"
Loud coughing spewed from the half-demon's mouth as he nearly choked on his straw, and the block of wood and knife clattered noiselessly to the ground. He watched as the face turned purple and the eyes started watering, and he was about to offer his assistance when the coughing abruptly stopped. An already broad chest expanded as air was pulled down into lungs, and he scowled as he looked down at the grass running between his fingers. Perhaps he had come to the wrong person, after all…
"What?" The question was nearly shouted, and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
"You heard me, Yusuke."
Those large eyes blinked in confusion; it was the first time he had ever casually said the other's given name. It was a sign, albeit a small one, that he was willing to change. Willing to…be himself, whoever that was. He had spent so much time being angry that he was tired now, and he hated the lethargic feeling. If Kurama could smile despite his sins, why couldn't he? If Mukuro could laugh and socialize, why couldn't he? He wanted to be different…for her…and for himself. He wanted to be someone that Mukuro could count on, that his friends could converse with, that his sister could be proud of…that his mate could be with.
"Love is…it's complicated, okay? Why are you asking me?"
"Who else is there to ask?"
"Kurama?"
"The fox would make it sound more complicated than it is."
"Ya got a point there. Mukuro?"
"I believe she has yet to figure it out."
"So, I'm your last option, huh?"
The brown eyes were sparking with amusement as he reached down to pick up the wood and knife again, and the black-clad figure struggled to find the right words. He knew how he felt, so why was it so difficult for him to just say it?
"I believe that you are the only one who could…understand."
He refused to look up. Instead, his fingers plucked at the grass. He heard a deep sigh coming from the space across from him, but he still refused to look up. The sounds of a blade scraping against wood reached his sensitive ears, and the rhythmic sound calmed him somewhat. He watched an insect crawl across a blade of grass and waited for the idiot across from him to speak.
"There's different kinds of love, ya know?
"Different kinds?"
"Yeah. With people, there's three kinds."
"I told Yukina I'm her brother."
He wasn't sure why he said it, but he looked straight into his companion's eyes as he did. The eyes widened, only slightly. His lips pulled up in a smile, and a palm smacked against his leg as he laughed. What was with this idiot and constantly laughing? It was like everything was one big joke.
"It's about time! I was starting to think you were never gonna tell her."
"Hn."
"Well, that's one kind of love. The love you have for your family."
"Is that why I watch after her?"
His companion swore, quite colorfully, before settling his head back against the tree. His eyes were clenched shut, and his breathing was slow and deep. If he didn't look so wound up, he would have appeared to have been meditating. After a few human heartbeats, that were nowhere around to be heard, his companion began to speak without opening his eyes.
"I knew you had a messed up life, Hiei, but damn. It's nothing to be ashamed of, so quit looking like a kicked puppy."
"Watch it," he growled.
"I mean it, Hiei. Ya got nothing to be ashamed of. You worry about Yukina, right? You worry about her being safe? You hate it when she's hurt or when she cries?"
"Yes."
"What do you want for her?"
"I want her to be happy."
His head was still ducked, so his companion could not see his rare smile. His sister…Yes, he worried about her. He worried about some worthless scum laying their hands on her; he feared the time when her tears would touch the ground. Her pain was his pain. He wanted her to be happy, and he was willing to do whatever was needed to make her so.
"Okay, now think about Yukina. Anything and everything you can think of. Think about her smiling."
He closed his eyes and did so. He pictured her as she had looked the morning he revealed that he was her brother, after her tears had stopped. She was leaning against the railing, with the sun shining on top of her mint green hair and her ruby eyes shining. Her hand was clutching his as if he was going to disappear, and she was telling him everything about her current life. About how nice Genkai was to her and all the things she was teaching her; about the birds that visited her as she learned to mediate and summon her powers at will; about the small garden that Kurama had helped her start. He pictured her smile and quiet laugh.
"You feel it, don't you? That warmth in your chest? I can see you smiling, Hiei. That's love."
That's what that feeling was? Love? So, he had felt it all along. His sister, the first being he had ever loved. It was a pleasant feeling. It was a feeling that he could get used to.
"Yukina…" His voice was a quiet whisper. If his companion had been wholly human, he never would have heard him.
"Blood of your blood."
It was a saying that the human-born male had struggled to understand and accept, but he understood it now. The same blood as your own in another's veins; another piece of yourself. It was beautiful, in a completely disgusting way.
"Sister mine."
He could almost taste his companion's astonishment, but his eyes remained closed. Smiling was not something he regularly did, but he could smile for his sister. He had caused her so much pain. She deserved happiness…but did he?
"Alright, so there's love for your family. It's probably the easiest kind of love. It's kinda like loving yourself, in a way. Make sense?"
"Yes."
"So, Hiei, how do you feel about me?"
The smile was pulled down into a neutral expression, and red eyes slowly blinked open. One eyebrow was raised, and his companion smiled widely. He looked almost like a child when he smiled like that. He tilted his head to one side and considered the question. How did he feel about…Yusuke? He was annoying, loud, always trying to save someone, constantly cursing, and an all-around idiot. So, why did he seek his company? Why hadn't he killed him yet?
"How do you feel about Kurama? Or Mukuro?"
Kurama? The fox could be annoying with his riddles and sharp glances. Mukuro…that was complicated. He hated her at first for daring to summon him, for wanting to use him. As he spent more time with her, he began to see himself. Angry and forever chained to the past. That was why he had set her free. The past few years with her had been enlightening. He scoffed at all of her advice, but what she didn't know was that he silently considered her every bit of wisdom.
The youngest of the two watched as his so-called elder struggled with the questions. His eyes were shut so tight that his brows were wrinkled, and he could see the muscles in his neck and arms in sharp relief. It was questions that he had never been asked; things he had never considered. He was confused and trying to make sense of his own thoughts.
"It's…confusing."
"Just talk to me, Hiei."
"You annoy me, greatly."
"The feeling's mutual."
"Why am I here?"
He looked so confused, so lost, so un-Hiei that Yusuke leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Brown caught and held red, and a gentle wind stirred as the two stared in silence.
"A friend is someone that you trust, someone that you can come to. A friend is someone who is loyal to you but can put you in your place too. A friend is someone that you can beat up all day long, but you'll get pissed off when someone else messes with them. A friend is someone that's just…there," he said and waved his hand.
It was hard to explain, the love a person can have a friend. It was complicated and simple; it just was. Sometimes there was no way to explain it. It was just something that had to be felt. How could Yusuke explain that to someone who had never taken the time to analyze their own feelings? About anyone?
"Hiei?"
"Hn."
"Do you remember that time you saved me from Sniper?" He opened his mouth to tell him that he had saved no one, but he closed his mouth. He had saved him, he suddenly realized.
"I saved you."
"Yeah, you did. Thanks, by the way."
"Hn."
"So, why'd ya save me?" Red eyes flicked up, and Yusuke looked like he really wanted to know the answer.
"I don't know," was the sharp reply.
"C'mon, Hiei, tell me the truth for once."
"I didn't want some fool to be the one to kill you." He would usually add something like "I will be the one to end your life," but he did not want to kill Yusuke. Most of the time.
"You didn't want me to die." A deep sigh and a quiet omission, "No, I did not want you to die."
"Are we friends, Hiei?"
"A bandit once told me that someone like me could not have friends. A friend was someone that you trusted not to stab you in the back. Someone that you could respect, and someone that would respect you."
Yusuke stayed silent as Hiei thought over his own words. Did he trust Yusuke? Yes, he did. He knew the half-demon would never attack him when his back was turned. He knew that he'd never attack him without a good reason. Did he respect Yusuke? You had to respect someone who'd beat death twice. What about the others? Did he trust Kurama and respect him? With a start, he realized that he did. Kurama was sneaky and wily, but he had never harmed Hiei. It was hard not to respect the fox, someone with centuries of wisdom. What of Mukuro? Mukuro, the leader who had entrusted her entire kingdom to him. He trusted her; she had brought him back to life. He respected her. He even looked up to her, though he would die before admitting that to her. Her ego didn't need to get any bigger.
"Yes, Yusuke, you are my friend. Am I yours?"
Yusuke was smiling like a little kid again as he nodded his head. Hn, so that was what the love for a friend felt like. It was annoyance and protectiveness all rolled into one. It was wanting to beat sense into someone then threatening anyone that would speak against them. It was confusing and simple. He would have to think on it some more.
"There's only one kind of love left," Yusuke sighed. It was this kind of love that he had been contemplating since he ran from his own home like some kind of coward.
"And?" Hiei questioned.
"Well, there's your family and friends. Not that complicated since it's all platonic. The last kind? Confusing as hell."
"Get on with it, Yusuke." Hn, saying his name was easier now. Was it because he had accepted that the half-demon was his friend? That he…dare he even think it?...cared for him?
"Romantic love. The love you feel for a significant other, a mate."
A mate… Yusuke watched as Hiei's entire body relaxed as he exhaled, and a strange scent permeated the air. It smelled like smoke and spices; it smelled like Hiei. His eyebrows were furrowed again, but his muscled body was at peace. A low whirring sound could be heard, and Yusuke was completely stunned at the look of his friend.
"She is the first person I have ever felt at ease with." The she went unnamed, but they both knew who it was. Stupid as he may act, Yusuke was not an idiot. He saw the way his auntie and friend reacted to one another; he just didn't know how far it went.
"Then why are you such an ass to her?"
"I have never felt so at peace with someone. No one has ever had such control over me."
"So, you were…scared?"
A low growl was Yusuke's only answer, but Hiei didn't deny it. In a way, he was afraid of how she made him feel. He had never felt such things before her, not even with the few demons he'd allowed to have access to his body. She was different and new, something he could not understand. No one had ever looked at him with such kind eyes or craved his touch. She overwhelmed him.
"How does she make you feel?"
"Invincible." The word slipped from his lips, and he realized how true it was. With her, he could do anything. It was a dangerous feeling.
"Seriously."
"I am serious. Nothing can touch me when I am with her. She annoys me and confuses me, but she is mine."
Even now, he could see her. Her eyes shining as she looked at him, the way her fangs gleamed when she yelled at him, the rhythmic feeling of her body shifting as she breathed, the way her skin smelled like snow and blueberries… He could go on for hours, and he was once again astounded at the depth of his feelings for one being. No, that was a love that he had felt since first seeing her. A love that had cut into his bones and turned his frozen blood into fire. A love that both terrified and excited him.
"So, I don't have to explain that one?"
"No." Now that he had a better understanding of the other kinds of love, he could easily identify his feelings for her.
"Good, because I still don't get it."
"Yusuke?"
"Yeah?"
"You can…I…What happened?" Yusuke's brown eyes widened; Hiei really was full of surprises today. He was trying his hardest to change, and Yusuke did feel ready to tell someone…
"Keiko has always been there for me; I've known her for as long as I can remember. When everyone else gave up on me and decided I was nothing more than some worthless punk, she stood up for me. She even rescued my ass from a burning house when I was unconscious. She was always there, and I never doubted that I loved her." Hiei was silent, so he continued, "She kinda lost it during the Dark Tournament, but she was fine afterwards. She got pissed when I told her I was leaving, but she was so happy when I got back. And I realized how much I had missed her. Everything was perfect after that, except…"
"Except what?" Yusuke sighed and ran a hand through his hair, nearly cutting his scalp off in the process.
"She hated hearing about the Demon World. She didn't want to hear anything about it, or what had happened. She wanted me to forget all about it, but how could I? Tourin was the first place that ever felt like home, and I couldn't just leave the place completely. We argued about it, a lot. I stopped talking about it after a while, but I think she knew that I was thinking about it. So, she left me. She said we were too different. Said something about always loving me and just left."
"You deserve a mate that can accept you, all of you."
"Yeah, I know. I've been thinking, a lot. I know that I loved her, but I'm starting to wonder if it was the right kind of love. Sometimes I think I only loved her in a friend way."
Hiei didn't say anything; it was obviously something that Yusuke needed to work out for himself. The two sat in silence once again. Hiei reclined back in the grass and watched the fluffy white clouds drift across the light blue sky. The now familiar sounds of a blade against wood sounded again, and Yusuke began whistling quietly as he whittled away. As the sun started its descent from its highest point, Hiei sat up and looked at his companion again.
"Why did you choose this place?" Yusuke scratched his jaw and looked around. The backyard was grassy and led into a nice-sized forest, and the house was sturdy looking. It was comfy, but there were a million other places like it. Yusuke lifted his arm and pointed west, left of the house.
"Run that way for a few minutes at a normal speed until ya find a small graveyard. Go through it, look at the names. I think you'll understand then." Yusuke went back to whistling and whittling as Hiei stood up, and he kept his eyes downcast as the black figure moved away.
Hiei did as Yusuke had suggested because Hiei did not follow orders, and he walked through the small cemetery. Bland gray headstones dotted the landscape, some chipping and others shiny. Hiei walked until he found the biggest and most elaborate one. The stone was dark gray and nearly reached his waist. A dark gray stone angel stood behind it, a little over five feet tall, with giant wings outstretched behind her. A wrought iron bench sat at the foot of it, and Hiei lowered himself onto the heated seat. The grave was beautiful in the morbid way graves can be, and the top of the grave was covered with tiny rocks contained in a thick outline.
The headstone was also beautiful, and it was easy to tell that a lot of thought had gone into it. Hiei's red eyes ran all over the dark stone as he committed the sight to memory. He realized the angel was weeping with her hands resting palm up, as if to receive something. He looked away from the angel to what was written on the headstone. His eyes traced the curve of every letter.
Raygan Jane Thomas
December 24, 1950 ~ December 24, 1970
Loving Daughter
Loving Sister
Raygan, the eternal caregiver
For Mother, the perfect cup of coffee
For Sister, the perfect dress for dollies
For Brother, the perfect robber to cop
May you find peace and happiness
And never know death's cold embrace
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
Thanks to years of training, Hiei neither flinched nor made a sound. He turned his head to look at the woman sitting herself beside him. She was an older woman, at least seventy. Her hair had turned white with age, and still bright hazel eyes turned to look at him. Her skin was weathered and wrinkled, but she smiled at him with perfect white teeth.
"Are you a friend of Yusuke's?"
"How do you know Yusuke?" The woman smiled and looked in the direction of where Yusuke was resting, even though he was much too far away to be seen.
"I own the house he is staying in. He's been there for about a month now, and he's welcome to it for as long as he wants. He's such a nice boy," the woman said.
"Yes, I am a friend of his."
"That's good. I get worried about him up here all by himself."
"Hn." Hiei turned back to look at the headstone, and the woman did the same.
"My name is Kate, and you are?"
"Hiei." He answered without turning to look at her, but he knew she was not looking at him either. She was looking at the headstone.
"Raygan was my daughter. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss her. Even now, I still expect her to come waltzing through the door with a smile on her face. My Raygan, she was always so happy."
Hiei didn't know how to respond, so he didn't. He just sat beside the woman who believed she had buried her daughter, the woman who had raised Ray into the person she was.
"It is a beautiful resting place," he finally said. The words felt unfamiliar on his tongue; it was not something he would usually say. But he was trying to change. Now was a good time to start.
"Oh, thank you, Hiei. Kimmy and Jim-Jam, my other two children, worked their way through college to get decent jobs. What they didn't tell me was that they saved up their money for years, for this. When Raygan died, the only thing I could afford was a simple headstone. I knew my daughter deserved better, and I was so happy when Kimmy and Jim-Jam had this made in her honor."
"They must have loved her very much."
"Yes, they did. Still do. Stories of Raygan are told at every Christmas; her nieces and nephews know her name. My oldest granddaughter, Kimmy's daughter, has her name. Just as spirited as Raygan was too. Raygan was the twins' savior, their role model. As children, no one could compare to their big sister. She was everything to them, and to me." Hiei could smell the woman's tears, and he laid a gentle hand on her shaking shoulder.
"I am sorry for your loss." He truly was. He could not imagine losing his own blood; if anything were to happen to Yukina, he would lose control.
"Thank you, Hiei, but I'm fine. Being here always makes me feel better. It's almost like I feel her spirit. It's like she never died. I like to think that she just moved on to a better life." Silence reigned for a little while, until a subtle scent touched Hiei's nose. He drew in a deep breath, but he couldn't name the familiar smell. It was then that he noticed Kate was holding something in her hands.
"What's that?" Kate blinked and then looked down into her lap. Her fingers parted the napkin in her hand, and the scent of blueberries assaulted Hiei's senses. Now he knew why the scent was familiar, it smelled like her.
"Blueberries were Raygan's favorite snacks, ever since she was a little girl. We used to pick them together when she was small, and we usually ate half of what we picked before ever getting home. When she got older, I would sneak blueberries into her jacket pockets for her to find later. Something to brighten her day," Kate said with a wistful smile.
Hiei watched as Kate stood up then, and she carefully walked over to the life-sized angel. She placed the handful of blueberries in one curved hand and wiped away a few tears. She walked back to the bench, and Hiei tensed a little as her hands settled on his shoulders. He knew she wouldn't, couldn't, hurt him, but he didn't like being touched. Maybe that was something he should change as well?
"May you find peace and happiness, and never know death's cold embrace." She walked away after that, and Hiei felt confused as he watched her get back into her car and disappear. She was a stranger and only knew him as Yusuke's friend, but she had blessed him anyway.
Hiei stayed and continued to look at the headstone. Hiei had heard whispers of Ray's origins, but he did not know the full story. Come to think of it, not very many did. The fox and Yusuke, and her deceased brother. Koenma, for sure. What Hiei did not know was that only five others knew; Tiger, who knew all there was to know about her; Hokushin and the Krone, who had been present when the story was told to Raizen; and Yomi and Kuronue, who listened to the story along with Kurama. Nine in all knew the complete truth.
Hiei left the graveyard as the sun disappeared behind the trees, and he found Yusuke inside the small house. Some kind of meat was resting on the stove, and Yusuke was putting two plates down at the table. He pointed to one of the seats, and Hiei lowered himself into it. Yusuke served Hiei first before making his own plate, and Hiei took a quick sniff before eating. Who knew that Yusuke could actually cook something edible?
"So, I guess ya found it?" Yusuke finally asked.
"Yes. I had no idea she had been…buried." Red eyes looked up, and Yusuke sighed.
"Yeah, she told me about it not too long after I found out who she really is. Ya know, not some wimpy demon," Yusuke said and popped another piece of meat into his mouth.
"Will you tell me? About her?" Yusuke slowly swallowed the food in his mouth and looked across the table at his friend.
"Are ya sure ya wanna hear it from me? Not from her?" Did he want to hear the story of her death from her lips? Hear about how she had suffered as she looked into his eyes? No, he would not be able to bear it. It would be a long time before he could ask her, and he was curious about his mate. Curious in ways he had never been before. He had finally accepted the truth, and he wanted to know everything he could.
"Yes, I am sure."
"Okay then."
They quickly finished their meal, and Yusuke showed Hiei onto the front porch. Yusuke took his place in an old rocking chair, where his piece of wood and knife was waiting for him. Hiei jumped onto the railing that ran around the small porch and leaned his back against a post. The moonlight bathed the land in a silvery glow, and quiet music of grasshoppers could be heard everywhere. As the two sat on the porch, only the sounds of Yusuke's gently rocking chair and his deep voice could be heard. Yusuke told the story as his Auntie Ray had told it to him, and Hiei's mind absorbed every single word. When Yusuke was done, he announced that he was going to bed. Hiei said he was going to stay outside, and Yusuke placed something on the railing beside his feet before calling goodnight and going inside.
Hiei waited until the sounds inside the house died down, and he strained his ears to pick up Yusuke's quiet breathing. He refocused on where he was and bent down to pick up a piece of wood. The detail was perfect, something that a master of the craft could only complete. It was realistic and beautiful, and Hiei had no idea that Yusuke had such a talent. The wolf's head was thrown back in a howl, and its form was perfect as it sat. A howling wolf…given to him. Hiei's sword-callused fingers ran over the wolf as his mind ran over what he had heard. His eyes closed as he fell into a light meditative state, and the wolf was enclosed in his gentle hands.
Less than a mile away from where the two demons rested, an angel stood guard over a single grave. In one hand, blueberries threw off a fragrant scent that was carried away on the wind. In the other hand, perfectly round black and red stones glittered in the moonlight in testament to a grief only barely understood.
Ending Note: Take a minute and imagine how difficult all of that was to write.
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Okay, moving on now. I realize that Hiei was completely OOC, but it was entirely intentional. Hiei is growing, experiencing new things, so he is most definitely going to change. So, why go to Yusuke for help? I think Hiei would feel more at ease with Yusuke, with someone that wouldn't judge him and still tell him what he needs to know. Thank Shiningheart of ThunderClan, because she's the one that gave me the idea to send Hiei to Yusuke. That and am I the only one that can picture Yusuke leaning against a tree, chewing on a long piece of straw, and whittling?
Wow, so much happened in this chapter that I barely know what all to address. Hmm, how's this? If you have any questions, feel free to either review or message. I would be happy to answer any questions, and I will definitely be responding to reviews this time. I can't wait to know what everyone thinks!
