You guys have been so wonderfully patient and I need to apologize for my absence! My computer is in the shop right now so I borrowed my roomie's computer and gave yall a huge chapter! Hope you enjoy it! Lots of drama! ;)

Keep those reviews coming! Love yall! XOXO


Peeta comes home from the bakery with a smile, and four tickets clutched in his fist.

"Pack your bags, my loves! We're leaving in two days!" Willow squeals and runs up to her room to start packing before she's even finished lunch. I pick up Rye and bite my lip.

"That soon?"

"Honey we were supposed to go three months ago. We can't put this off anymore. I've just talked to Rory and Dane and they've assured me the bakeries are all in good hands. Dane is even going to travel to my other locations to make sure everything is ok there. Rye is finally over that cold," he tousels our son's curls. "And the snow is completely gone. Come on. This is going to be fun." I try to put on a smile for him and nod while he takes Rye in his arms and carries him upstairs to help the children pack.

Sighing, I go up to my bedroom and pull out my suitcase. Peeta's right. It's our first vacation as a family and we are going to have a good time.

Never mind the memories that will undoubtedly resurface in certain districts. We'll make happy memories too.

He comes in not long after and sits on the edge of the bed, releasing a long sigh. I haven't gotten a lot packed and he finds me staring off into space. He gently takes the shirt I am clutching in my white knuckles, and he folds it before setting it into the suitcase. He pushes it aside and pulls me into his arms.

"I know you're scared," he whispers against my heated skin. "I am too. But I'm better when I remember I will have you and the kids there with me. It'll be different this time. We're staying together as a family and nothing bad is going to happen."

"You know you say that every time we leave 12. And something bad always happens." He leans back and pushes my hair out of my eyes.

"We're older now, Katniss. I'm not as scared as I once was. You remember when they pushed us into the Justice Building and gave us a chance to say goodbye?" I bite my lip as I nod yes. How could I forget that day? Gale telling me it was no different than hunting animals, Prim sobbing into my arms pleading for me to win, and Madge asking me to win her aunt's mockingjay pin. And Peeta's sweet father, who gave me cookies and promised to keep Prim fed. Did Peeta ever know that he came to visit me?

"My family knew I would die for you," he says quietly. My eyes lock on him and he stares at his lap.

"Mom wasn't kidding when she said District 12 might finally have a winner. As I recall, the way she put it was that I was enough of a fool to help you win. Dad kicked her out of the room and my brothers told me to win for my family. When they left though…Dad said he knew I would do everything I could to get you home. He knew I was dead as soon as they announced my name. Because I was standing up there with you. My songbird, he called you." I blush at the thought of Peeta and his father talking about me when we were young. But it shouldn't surprise me. He's told my time and time again how his father pointed me out and Peeta told him he would marry me one day. I feel a surge of guilt inside me and I choke out a sob. He pulls me into his arms and my tears stain his shirt.

"Your father came to see me," I choke out. He cups my chin so he can see my face but I squeeze my eyes shut. They're the same blue eyes that watched me so intently in that silent room.

"He gave me a bag of cookies."

"I asked him to give those to you," he says against my hair. This just makes me cry even harder and he looks bemused.

"On the train…I thought…oh Peeta, I had no idea how you felt about me. I thought the bread was just…you being kind. I decided to distance myself from you before we even reached the Capitol. I threw the cookies out and it landed in a patch of dandelions. It made me feel even worse than I already did. That's why I did what I ddi in the Games. I had no idea you weren't pretending-"

"Shh," he soothes me, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Katniss, don't. Don't go back there. We've been through this enough. Stop going back to the Arena."

"It'll never go away," I sob into his shirt. "The Games stay with you forever."

"Then you find your ally to help you get through the hard times," he says firmly as his thumbs wipe at my tears. "And you've found him. As long as I'm alive, I'll help you. I'll protect you. Life is like an arena, Katniss. There will be obstacles and hard times and things that are meant to kill you. And you can't go it alone, but if you find that one person that you trust and you make a vow to protect, it's a bit more bearable. There's even those happy times, like when I found that pearl for you. Or you kissing me on the beach and telling me you needed me. I don't think I'd ever been so happy."

"We were going to die," I remind him.

"Maybe but we were living in that moment." I sigh. Peeta's words always seem to knock me senseless and he's just done it again. He kisses my forehead and pulls my suitcase back around.

"Now, as we will be leaving the district together and NOT on a train bound for imminent death, let's get you packed." I let out a weak laugh as he kneels in front of me, his eyes sparkling.

"You love me?"

"You know I do," I reply. He kisses my nose and smiles.

"Then know that I'll never leave your side."

"I know that too."

"Good. Which of your formal dresses do you want to take?"


We've been on the train barely an hour when Willow starts getting wound up and sarts bouncing all over the place. Haymitch and Effie are in a compartment a little ways down and Effie has agreed to watch the kids whenever Peeta and I need to attend to official business. I'm grateful that they came along. Not just for the kids, but for Peeta and me too. We're much older but it's still nice to have our mentor with us. I guess the old man grew on us, like we grew on him.

Like the Victory Tour, we're working our way backwards, starting with 13. Peeta is a little nervous to go there, I can tell, but Haymitch convinced him it is still a part of Panem too and they need to see their new president. I think I have more reason to be nervous in 13, but I can understand his apprehension. He never had too many great memories in 13 to begin with. Add that to my kidnapping and their loyalty to Ballyntynn, and it's not Peeta's favorite district. Still, it's a time for new chances and changes.

That night, Rye is drumming on the table while Willow dances around wildly.

"Hey. Eat your veggies or you get no dessert," Peeta says firmly.

"Daddy, are we going to celebrate our birthdays in the Capitol again?" He lowers his fork and glances at me.

"Maybe not the Capitol but maybe we can go to 8 to celebrate with Aunty Jo and the kids?" Rye claps his hands excitedly and Peeta grins as he rubs our son's head.

"I'm gonna be seven this year," my daughter says proudly. I nod and tug on her braid.

"Yep. You're getting to be a big girl!" Peeta drapes his arm around my shoulder and grins.

"And you, my wife, are getting to be an old maid." My jaw drops and I swat at his shoulder.

"You are an ass!"

"Hey, language. We don't need Rye to pick up-"

"Ass!" Peeta groans as Rye throws out the word carelessly. He drums on the table and giggles.

"Ass!"

"Rye, that's enough. That's not a nice word. You get a spanking if you say bad words."

"Does Mommy get a spanking?" Peeta chokes on his water and I can't help but smirk at my husband for what he's started.

"Yes," he says as he clears his throat. "I'll give Mommy her spanking later. Now finish your dinner so we can have dessert."

"Not til Mommy gets spanked," Willow crosses her arms over her chest and looks firm. Peeta and I look shocked and neither of us dare to move.

"Ass ass ass," Rye keeps yelling. Peeta's face darkens.

"Rye! That's a bad word. Don't say it again." Our son falls silent but a mischievous grin lingers on his face. Peeta nods and stands up.

"Our daughter's right. Come here, Katniss." He sits on the sofa and pulls me down so I am lying across his lap. I feel my face heat up at the fact our children are watching this.

"Are you watching me, son? Bad words get spankings, ok? Like this." I gasp as his hand makes contact with my ass but it's nothing like his usual spankings when we are alone. Twice more and then he helps me sit up. There is a slight stinging but I can hardly feel it. I screw up my face and rub my backside.

"Ouch, Daddy. That hurt."

"No more bad words," he says firmly, a grin tugging at his lips.

"No more bad words," I nod in agreement. "Come on, Rye. Time to say night night."

"No ass," he says softly and I have to suppress my laughter. Peeta sighs and shakes his head.

"Maybe we'll have to try the biting on soap thing."

"He's two, Peeta!"

"So he needs to learn early!"

"And I'm sure you were a perfect little angel when you were his age," I snap. I don't know why I'm getting defensive but Peeta is taking this further than I expected.

"I got hit if I wasn't," he says angrily. His eyes widen and he claps a hand over his mouth as he looks around at our kids. Rye hasn't reacted but Willow cocks a head and frowns.

"Who hit you, Daddy?"

"No one sweetheart. I think it's time for bed."

"But-"

"Bed!" He casts me a worried look before he rushes out of the dining car. Sighing, I take Rye's hand and lead them to their beds. Rye falls asleep immediately and I am tucking Willow in when she sits up.

"Mommy, who hit Daddy when he was little?"

"Daddy wasn't…he wasn't hit, baby. Your grandma just spanked him a lot."

"Was he bad?"

"No. Not really. She was just angry a lot and took it out on Daddy. It wasn't his fault. Your daddy would never hurt you or Rye, you know that right?" She nods and I gently push her back down.

"Get some sleep." I kiss her forehead and she opens her eyes again.

"Did he hurt you when you were bad?"

"No. He would never hurt me either. Daddy loves us very much. You know that?" She nods again and bites her lip.

"When we went to Aunty Jo's…did he hurt you?" I inhale sharply. Sometimes I forget how smart my sweet girl is. But I wish she would forget some things.

"He has never hurt me," I say firmly. "He just lost his way for a few minutes and I didn't want you to see him like that. That's why I took you to Aunty Jo's. Daddy wouldn't have hurt us."

"I see some of his pictures…they're of you. Hurt."

"That's because he has nightmares, just like I do. And it helps him to paint them. He has never hurt me and he never will, ok? You remember what we told you about the Hunger Games and the book we showed you?" She nods and I sigh. "Well, Mommy and Daddy both see lots of terrible things. But we help each other through it. We protect each other."

"I love Daddy."

"And he loves you too."

"I love you, Mama."

"I love you too baby girl. Now get some sleep." She turns on her side and curls up, the way Peeta does sometimes, and I smile as I close the compartment door. I turn and nearly run into Peeta, who is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. His eyes are heavy and sad.

"She thinks I hurt you?"

"No," I say sharply. "She's just worried about her daddy, that's all." I try to smile at him but his shoulders slump forward.

"She remembers…that day. How I yelled at her. And you. And you lied to her, Katniss. You told her I've never hurt you." I pull him into our compartment and close the door.

"You haven't," I say softly. "The person who returned to us in 13…that wasn't you. It was what the Capitol made…and you fought it. You came back to me. You have never hurt me. You could never hurt me."

"I almost killed you," he says, his voice sounding so far away. "In the woods…when Buttercup-"

"That was the mutt that took over," I cut him off. "NOT you. You have a monster inside you that the Capitol planted. You have been fighting it for so long. You are so strong and you protect me from it. You protect us from it. I'm always amazed at how strong you are. You overcame the hijacking on your own, Peeta. The fact that we can be here, together, shows how far you have come. I am beyond proud of you."

"You shouldn't be," he mumbles. "Mom was right. I'm useless and I-"

"Stop it," I hiss as I grip his face with both hands. His eyes widen and I shake my head.

"You KNOW I can't survive without you. You know your children love you and need you. And you are the President of Panem, Peeta. Your mother would be so proud of you. And if she isn't…to hell with her opinion. She never saw the goodness inside you while she was alive, or maybe she did, and that's why she pushed you away. Because you were too good for the life you were born into. And she knew that." Perhaps it's true. Perhaps she saw what a wonder her son was, not because he was talented or strong, but because he was gentle and kind, like his father. And she knew she would never be like that, and that she would never be able to give him everything he deserved.

Unlikely but who knows? I try not to think ill of the dead. I silently thank the woman for bringing this wonderful man into the world and I pull him down onto the bed with me, planting soft kisses all over his hands and face. I spend the rest of the night whispering I love you's all over his skin, melding myself to his body, warming him with my embrace. I make love to him gently, softly, as if he is going to break and I hold in my cries until I feel he is about to let go; when I know he is on the edge, I lean up and whisper how much I love him in his ear and feel him release a sharp breath as he jerks inside of me.

Afterwards, he slides to the side and hurries to the bathroom, returning with a wet cloth, which he runs between my thighs. He tosses it aside and pulls me into his arms, my face pressed against his chest.

I fall asleep to his steady heartbeat and his tears dampening my hair.


"Mama! MAMA!" I feel Peeta stir next to me and I push myself off his chest.

"Willow," he says breathlessly, already tearing the covers off. We grab our robes and pull them on as he yanks the compartment door open.

Willow is tossing in her bed when we burst in, her eyes squeezed shut in pain. Tears stream down my sweet girl's face and I leap onto the bed beside her.

"Willow, sweetheart, Mama and Daddy are here!"

"Mama," she continues to cry and I caress her cheeks, wiping her tears away.

"Shhhh," I pull her into my arms and stroke her hair. I feel her long lashes tickle my neck as she blinks.

"You're ok, baby, Mama's right here." I feel Peeta stretch over and stroke her hair and Willow sighs into my neck.

"Mama and Daddy are here, princess," he says softly. "Nothing's ever going to hurt you."

"Not me," she sobs. "Mama. Mommy was hurt."

"Daddy won't ever let that happen," he says firmly. I catch his sad gaze over Willow's head and behind us, Rye starts to cry. I start to move over to him and hand Willow to Peeta but she grabs my arm and shakes her head.

"No! Mommy stay with me."

"I'm right here, baby girl. I'm not leaving you." Peeta bites his lip and hurries over to our son to calm him down. He brings Rye over to the bed and I can see he is clinging to his father like some kind of monkey. Peeta's arms fall helplessly and he sighs.
"How about Daddy get us some warm milk?" No one answers so I nod.

"I'll take him," I say softly as he gently deposits our son into my arms. Willow's little nails dig into my arm and I hold both of them tightly. When Peeta starts to move, Rye's arms shoot out and wrap around Peeta again. My husband looks a little uncomfortable and he clears his throat.

"Um. I'll call for an attendant." He goes to the door and peers out, clearing his throat again. I see a shadow cross the room and hear him speaking in a low voice while I continue to stroke my daughter's hair. I'm taken back to those days before the Reaping, when I shared a room with Prim and would wake up to her frightened screams. I would hold her close and stroke her hair, whispering soothing words in her ear. The way she cried into my chest, pressing her damp cheek against my shirt, and her whimpering wouldn't stop until I assured her she was totally safe.

I feel the tears well up in my eyes and I hide my face in Willow's curly hair. Peeta sets a hand on my shoulder and I turn and bury my face in his chest. It's difficult, what with two children wrapped around us but Peeta envelops us all in his protective embrace and I weep against his neck. When we hear a knock, Peeta hurries to let the attendant in, Rye still stuck to his chest.

"Thank you," he says softly as the attendant (is he an Avox? I haven't heard him speak once since we got on the train) bows and hurries from the room. The china is shaking as Peeta hands me a mug of warm milk.

"Here princess," he says gently, stroking her hair with one hand. "Drink this. It will help." Willow sniffles and takes the mug, sighing when the warm liquid meets her lips. Peeta has a hard time getting Rye off his chest and I gently pull at him and push the mug into his hands. Peeta sits behind us, his legs spread out so we are practically sitting in his lap. His cheeks flush red as he pulls the robe down and I give him a small smile.

The milk works wonders and our children are asleep within minutes.

"Let's leave them together," Peeta whispers as he disentangles himself from them and I nod in agreement. We both kiss their foreheads and tuck them in, and Rye turns and burrows himself into his sister's arms. A smile forms on Peeta's face and he tugs me from the room.

He throws his robe aside and pulls on some underwear before he lifts the blankets and waits for me to join him. I throw the robe aside and elect to sleep naked tonight. It amazes me how much I skirted away from nudity when I was younger but I prefer to sleep with nothing when I can. His wide eyes appraise me as I make my way to the bed and he sucks in a breath when I lean over him to kiss him, my nipples hardening at the touch of his warm skin. He leans up to grasp my face, his kisses becoming more impatient. Sighing, he breaks away and presses his forehead to mine.

"It's scary how much you two looked alike a moment ago," he whispers against my hair.

"Who? Willow?" He nods.

"They could have been…younger versions of us. When we first started sleeping together," he clears his throat and bites his lip. "When we got there…I was taken back to that first night on the train, when I burst into your compartment and found you tossing and screaming. I was…I had been sitting up in the dining car, with some warm milk, when I heard you scream. I thought someone had gotten onto the train and was attacking you and I was ready to kill them. You sounded so terrified, in so much pain, it just ripped my heart out," he pauses and looks to be hesitating. I set a hand on his arm and he tenses for just a moment. "That was when you asked me to stay with you. Real or not real?"

"Real. I didn't understand what I was feeling for you but I knew that you kept the nightmares away. I couldn't sleep without you there."

"Guess you didn't sleep much in 13," he mumbles. I quickly look up at him and see him close his eyes, a pained expression coming over his face.

"I didn't. They had to drug me to make me sleep. And then I was trapped in these horrible nightmares, with no way to get out. No one to wake me and calm me down. I would claw my way out of them and I would wake up with bloody arms from my own nails. My throat was sore from my screams. All I wanted was you safe in my arms again," My throat constricts from my tears. "All I wanted was to be able to tell you how much I loved you and needed you. To apologize for waiting so late. To do everything I could to protect you from the Capitol."

"That day I was rescued…when you walked in and saw me…you were…I can remember your face, your relieved smile…the joy in your eyes…you were opening your arms, about to hug me I think…" he trails off and looks down at the blanket, blinking back tears. I reach out to wipe them away and he jerks away from me.

"Tell me, Katniss. What was going on in your head? Tell me what you were thinking when you walked in." I mouthe uncertainly. Do I remember? Of course I do. Every bit of emotion I was feeling. Can I put it into words? That I'm uncertain about.

"Peeta-"

"TELL me," he says desperately. I inhale and exhale several times, closing my eyes. The images come flooding back. I can practically feel the scratchy 13 coveralls. The smells of the hospital. The sounds of reunited loved ones, as Annie and Finnick collide in the hallway.

"They only told us that they had rescued you. And that you were drugged and would be coming to, very soon. They said I should be the first person you saw when you woke up. Haymitch and I ran down the hall until we got to your room. All I could think was that you were alive. Safe. Possibly hurt but alive nonetheless. I was…happier than I'd ever been. I saw you sitting up while the nurses tended to you. I think I was taken aback by how…terrible you looked, at what had been done to you, but it made me even more desperate to move forward and to hold you. I remember thinking…will he kiss me when he sees me? Will his kisses be the same as they were in the Quell? I saw you look up and see me. I read it all wrong. I thought you were…well, I didn't know what to think. I wasn't even thinking, I just had to hold you and I saw you push the doctors aside and run toward me. Your hands ourstretched, I thought maybe to wipe away my tears…or to touch me, to make sure I was real. I tried to read whatever was in your eyes. I was starting to say your name… you were alive! You were with me again…"

"And I wanted you to die," he finishes, his voice sounding flat and emotionless. I try to move toward him but he jerks back even more and moves off the bed.

"Peeta-"

"I have to…I need some air."

"Peeta!" but he's yanking the door open and I'm crying for him to come back and he doesn't. I fall forward onto the pillows, my tears soaking the material through.


Peeta POV:

I wake up, confused and disoriented and in pain. I can see multiple wires sticking out of me and I panic. What experiment are they trying today? What sick twisted new torture have they thought of? A kindly looking woman rushes forward and pats my arm.
"You're safe now, Peeta. You're away from the Capitol. They can't hurt you anymore." What twisted trick is this? I jerk away from her, glaring at her with as much hatred as I can muster up.

"Vitals becoming steady," says a doctor from my right. "Let's get him something to drink." Someone hands me a cup of water and helps move the straw to my chapped lips. I drink eagerly, forgetting that it's probably poison. I don't care. If they want to kill me now, it would be an act of mercy after everything they have done.

"Does she know he's awake?"

"Yes, she was just informed. She should be here soon."

"Peeta? Can you hear us?" I try to nod, still drinking my water.

"His blood pressure is a bit low. And he's clearly starved. Shall I arrange for a food tray?"

"Let's finish the tests first before we give him anything to eat. We don't want to cause him to go into shock. She should be here any minute." Who should be here? My interrogator? Or should I say torturer? She's been relentless the last few days. My throat is raw from my screams.

"Let her in." I hear the door open and I tense up. Who's here? Who else has to come to hurt me?

And then I see her. The most beautiful and deadly vision I could imagine in my head.

Except it's real. She's really here.

She's moving toward me, her arms opening wider and wider.

Her eyes aren't red like I have seen them in the videos. Her claws are retracted and she looks like she has been crying.

The mutt has tricks, I'll give her that.

She's coming closer and closer and I sweep the doctors aside. No one is stopping her! They're just going to let her kill me!

Not if I kill her first!

I can see her lips starting to form my name when I close my fingers around her throat. She's stunned, I can see, and I knock her to the ground. Her head hits the floor and her hands scrabble at mine as she tries to fight me off. I'm bigger and stronger than her. The Capitol may have created her but they didn't give her as much strength as I expected. Or maybe I just took her by surprise. Either way, I can see I'm winning. The light is leaving her eyes. She stares up at me in shock and horror, her lips gasping my name over and over as she gasps for breath.

Suddenly I hear a panicked voice in my head. Peeta! What are you DOING? Don't believe the Capitol! Believe HER! You love HER!

My fingers slacken for a moment as I start to come back to myself, only for a moment. The mutt inside me is overpowered and the real Peeta Mellark emerges and stares down in horror at the heinous crime I am committing. I can see the marks I am leaving with my fingers, her face getting blue and her eyes widened in terror and disbelief. She's dying, that much is clear. A few more seconds and she'll be dead. I have to stop this mutt! Not the one underneath me, but the one inside me! If I don't, I'll lose the only person I have ever truly loved.

The mutt inside me rears its ugly head and bares its teeth. FINISH it. I squeeze harder and hear her frail breaths.

Something crashes against my head and I fall into darkness.


When I wake up again, I am strapped to the bed. It takes me a moment to remember that I am not in the Capitol, but where I am, I have no idea. Am I home? Where is my family? Where is Katniss?

KATNISS! All breath leaves me as I remember the sight of her lifeless form underneath me. What have I done? Did I actually do it? Did the Capitol win?

I toss my head back and scream to the empty room.


I scream until I no longer have a voice. The doctors come in to check my vitals and I demand to know where Katniss is. At first they glance at each other and shake their heads. They refuse to tell me anything.

After the hundredth time I ask, they finally say she is in recovery.

"Recovery from what," I spat. "Who hurt her?"

"You did, Peeta," the doctor says none too gently. My jaw drops, my eyes widen in shock and fear. I could never. I could NEVER-

"Where is Haymitch?"

"With her."

"Tell him I want to see him."

"Peeta, you need to rest-"

"I NEED TO SEE HAYMITCH!" I guess the doctors are afraid of me. They all flinch and hurry out of the room. Weak sons of bitches. I'm tied to the fucking bed right now, there's not a lot I can do.

Which is a good thing because when Haymitch walks in, I feel all the rage and hatred bubble to the surface and I try to tear through my restraints. He pauses before he makes his way over to my side.

Are those TEARS in the old bastard's eyes?!

"Peeta-"

"Don't," I growl. "I don't want any of your fucking apologies. Don't try. Just tell me one thing. Is Katniss alive?"

"Yes," he says slowly. I nod.

"These doctors…they think I hurt her. I couldn't do that. Right?" He shifts from side to side, looking uneasy. His glassy eyes refuse to meet mine.

"Haymitch."

"You…weren't yourself, Peeta." He quietly explains what the Capitol has done to me…hijacking, he calls it. They don't know how long it's been happening and I can't answer that either. I don't even know how long I was a prisoner. Days, weeks…months? Was it years?

"She hasn't woken up yet," he says softly. I struggle to unstick my throat and breathe.

"Someone got you off of her…but you're still pretty strong. You came real close…but she's alive and sleeping. She'll…she'll recover in time."

I couldn't have. This isn't happening. I feel every once of rage coursing through me and I writhe in my restraints. I vaguely notice Haymitch calling for help and a doctor rushing forward to push a needle into my veins.

When I wake up again, I'm alone. They leave me alone with my twisted thoughts. I don't see Katniss after that. Haymitch barely comes to visit me. They don't want anything to do with me.

I don't want anything to do with them.

Delly and Prim are frequent visitors. Finnick sometimes drops by, even bringing Annie with him.

The doctors tell me there is hope. That I may still regain my memories.

And I believe them. Until the day I see Katniss get shot on TV. And I feel nothing.

That's when I know that I'll never be the same. The Capitol took everything from me, including my memories.

Katniss had never been the Capitol mutt; I was.

I am.

I always will be…


I wander the halls of the train, much like I used to do when I was a boy. A scared little Victor who just wanted to protect his family and the girl he loved. My hands shake as the memories resurface. How much anger and hatred I felt. How much her indifference hurt. How close I came to killing her, and then again when we were in the Capitol on the Star Squad.

I grip my hair with both hands and squeeze my eyes shut. It's usually images of Katniss trying to kill me that threaten my sanity but tonight, it's images of me trying to kill her.

My hands squeezing the life out of her, my fingers pressed down on her windpipe until she turned blue in the face.

My fists clenched around the handle of the rifle, bringing it down exactly where her head was a second ago. The image of crushing her skull with my rifle overtaking my mind.

My hands meeting flesh, hitting every part of her face I can manage. Her jaw cracking under my fist, and her blood sticking to my knuckles.

I run into the bathroom and heave into the toilet. I swipe my hand against my mouth, then splash some cold water onto my face. When I still feel dizzy and sick, I wrap the robe around me and head to the end of the train. I'm about to step outside when a guard jumps out of the corner and holds up a hand.

"Is everything alright, President Mellark?"

"It's fine," I wave aside. "I was just getting some air."

"Sir, I can't permit you to step outside right now without the area being swept. Would you like me to have the train stopped?" I sigh and think about everyone sleeping right now. Or I hope they're all sleeping. I shake my head and take a step back.

"No, that's alright. Thank you anyway." The guard nods and watches me until I back out of the room.

I head back to my compartment and hear sniffling coming from inside. Pressing my ear against the glass, my eyes widen when I hear Katniss's sobs on the other side. Normally I wouldn't hesitate to rush inside and hold her close to chase away whatever nightmare was after her.

But this time I knew the nightmares couldn't be chased away. Because they were chasing me just as badly. And they weren't just nightmares.

They were memories.

She was undoubtedly remembering those times in 13. And as much as I wish I could comfort her, I can't do it tonight. I don't have the strength and I feel like such a failure. Instead, I head back to my childrens' compartment and sit on the edge of the bed, watching them sleep. Willow is just like her mother, the lightest sleeper of anyone. Her eyes flutter open and she lifts her head a little to look at me.

"Daddy are you ok," she whispers.

"Just a nightmare, sweetie. Go back to sleep." She moves away from her brother's arms and climbs over him to get to me. I'm about to tell her to go back to her brother but the feel of her little arms wrapped around my neck comfort me in a way I couldn't describe. She presses her cheek against my neck and I sigh into her hair. Her locks, though dark as her mother's, are starting to curl like mine and Rye's. It's thick like Katniss's though and I'm reminded of her mother as I lay my cheek against her hair. I should go back to Katniss. She'll be the only one sleeping alone tonight. But Willow tugs me over to the bed and I lay down behind Rye, while Willow settles in front of him. She reaches over her brother's shoulder and strokes my cheek.

"I love you, Daddy." I smile and kiss her palm.

"I love you, Willow." She returns my smile and closes her eyes.


I'm not surprised when I hear Katniss's screams but it scares me just the same. Willow sits up and looks terrified.

"Is Mama ok?"

"Mama's fine. I'll be right back."

"But…Daddy!"

"I've got to go check on Mama. I'll be right back, baby." She nods and I run back to the compartment to find my wife wrapped up in the sheets, trying to fight off her unseen attackers. She winds up catching her own chin with her fist and I hurry to hold her arms down.

"Katniss, wake up honey, you're safe." I lean down and press my lips to hers, my hurried kisses begging her to wake up and calm down before her screams wake up the rest of the train.

I suppose Effie and Haymitch are used to it by now. But we have attendants and guards who aren't.

"Katniss! Shh, shh. You're ok. I'm here. I've got you."

When she finally wakes up, I wrap my arm around her neck and her nails dig into my skin as she grips my wrist. The compartment door slides open and I see our son and daughter peering over the bed. Katniss holds her arms open and they both climb up and settle in our arms.

We fall asleep together, my arms wrapped around all of them, determined to shield them from the horrors of this world.