Gone in 60 Seconds 3
(Part 1: Fragments 57)
(Part 2: Fragments 66)
"Next!"
John stepped forward. "I need to get my birth certificate re-activated and my death certificate revoked."
"Wrist," she replied, bored, as if she'd done this a thousand times before.
"Pardon?"
"Give me your wrist please," she said, obviously restraining herself from commenting on his intelligence.
He quickly extended his left arm.
She placed two fingers against his wrist and stared at her watch for a minute. "Go to line G and you can get a provisional life certificate," she said. "It's good for one hundred and twenty days, after which you'll have to get it renewed."
"I have to come here every four months?" he groaned.
"You can renew by mail," she said blandly. "Next!"
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"We can get vampire powers by drinking vampire blood?" Xander asked.
"Yes, however it's incredibly dangerous," Giles told him.
"What's the danger?" Xander asked seriously. "And does it apply to vampire ash, because we've all all-but-snorted lines of the stuff."
"Restraining a vampire to get blood from them is incredibly dangerous," Giles said. "Plus, you also have to deal with more than just adjusting to an increase in strength and speed, you also have to deal with a vampire's appetite. And if you die with a vampire's blood in your system, you'll rise just like any other vampire."
"That's it?" Xander asked.
"That's not enough?" Giles demanded.
"Not really," Xander said, shaking his head. "What we do is dangerous, and if a couple of us were as strong as vamps—rather than just Buffy—getting the blood would be safer than patrolling. I'm not worried about rising as a vamp, because if I die, I trust one of you will shove a number two pencil into my heart so I can get a good life's sleep. The vamp appetites sounds worrisome, but that's about all."
"The more times you drink blood from a vampire, the more power her or she gains over you," Giles said seriously.
"Only counts if you haven't dusted the vamp after draining him," Xander countered.
Giles took off his glasses and polished them.
"Also, the whole 'blood drinking' bit? A major turn off," Buffy said, trying to steer Xander away from the idea.
"Yes, I can tell from your dating habits," Xander said sarcastically.
"Blood...is the cornerstone of so very much," Giles said somberly. "I have a book that can explain it much better than I can."
"It's...unsanitary," Willow tried, "and definitely not kosher."
"Fortunately, I'm not Jewish," Xander replied as Giles returned with a book that he then handed to him. "Or maybe not so fortunate. This is Hebrew."
"The foremost authority on blood was, and wrote it, yes," Giles replied.
"Well, that's that," Buffy said happily.
"I can read Hebrew," Xander said, to Buffy and Giles' surprise. "My best friend since forever is Jewish. I have a Hebrew-to-English dictionary and a good amount of practice, I just hate doing it because I'm really slow."
"Good," Giles said. "'Slow' means you'll have time to think about what you're reading."
"And I'm reading...fluidic salt and sacrilege?" Xander asked as he mentally rechecked it.
"Nicely done," Giles said in approval. "Blood, sweat, and tears, and...other bodily fluids contain salt, which is necessary for life. And salt is used in quite a number of rituals. Hiram studied the usage, links between the fluids, and the amount of religious strictures broken."
"Now that's thorough," Xander said, impressed.
"Indeed," Giles said, satisfied that he'd impressed upon Xander the importance of the topic. "It's used as a reference for all blood mages, it's so thorough. The dangers to one's own life and soul are described in minute detail. He really was quite brilliant. Swear you'll read the entire book carefully and I'll remove all objections to your plans."
"What?" Buffy exclaimed.
"He's positive that, when Xander understands the risks, he won't go through with it," Willow explained.
"Ah," Buffy said, calming down.
"I read this entire book and prove I understand the risks, you have to help me if I decide to go through with it," Xander countered.
"Agreed."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
A week goes by in which Buffy keeps an eye on John, who'd returned with all the paperwork needed to attend school again. But other than his obvious liquid diet, he showed no signs of any murderous intent or special abilities beyond being able to run faster than Buffy.
There was a brief bit of excitement involving a snake demon and a frat party, but Xander still continued his slow crawl through Hiram's work, absolutely fascinated by what he was reading. Giles was shocked by the depth of understanding Xander demonstrated when they discussed each chapter.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
John looked through the costumes Ethan had out and tried to decide who to go as. He'd spotted what had looked to be a Vash the Stampede outfit, only to discover it was a mislabeled Alucard outfit.
"Can I help you?" Ethan asked from right behind him.
"Ack!" John jumped about ten feet in the air and was nothing more than a blur as he hit the ground and ran from the aisle.
"What the hell was that?" Ethan demanded in shock.
"The quick and the dead," Xander said.
"Ah!" Ethan yelped and spun around. He would have fallen into a rack of armored knight outfits, but Xander caught him and helped him keep his feet. "Okay, maybe I shouldn't sneak up on people."
After Halloween...
"Any side effects?" Giles asked everyone.
"I bumped my nose trying to walk through a door," Willow offered.
"A terrible urge to knit," Buffy added. "And I now speak French fluently."
"Xander?" Giles asked.
Xander looked up from the complex diagram he'd been working on. "What?"
"Are there any side effects from last night?"
"Massive improvement in knowledge and language skills," Xander reported.
"How did that come about?" Giles asked.
"And where were you last night?" Buffy demanded. "I almost got eaten by bigfoot!"
"You're the schmuck who decided to dress as Lady Useless. Don't blame me for your mistakes," Xander said. "If you must know, I dressed as Hiram."
"Hiram who?" Giles asked intently.
Xander held up the book and grinned. "He left out a lot more than he included, to write this book."
"How much and why?" Giles asked.
"Enough for a series, and because it was either beyond the scope by his planned work, or because he didn't wish to see it abused."
"What was it like being him?" Giles asked, ignoring the girls.
"He was brilliant!" Xander enthused. "And it all seems so simple now. Study the basics and build on proven facts and you'll rarely go wrong."
"How'd you end up dressing as him?" Buffy asked.
"John suggested it," the grinning teen replied. "He said it'd drive Snyder nuts if I accused him of racism for insulting my costume—which of course he did."
"What did John dress as?" Buffy demanded.
"Harry Potter, though he did make sure to have stuffed animals for Hedwig, Neville's toad, and a rat he called Foamy," Xander replied. "He even made little Zorro masks for them."
"He's a very strange boy," Giles said. "'Was,' anyway. I'm pretty sure I saw a Voldemort nail him with a death curse. Not sure that will take any more than being ghouled did however."
"Yes, but back to Hiram's knowledge. I have read the book in full and you're right, I was taking it far too lightly. I'm not saying I'm giving up, just that, since this is the Hellmouth, far more testing has to be done before even considering the idea."
Giles beamed. "More research?"
"More research," Xander agreed cheerfully.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
John yawned and looked around his apartment in surprise. Harry Potter had completely redone his studio apartment into something from Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Well, if they had a studio apartment version. He had a full bar against one wall next to a small kitchen. There was a hot tub made out of a giant cauldron in front of one of the largest TVs he'd ever seen. His bed was big enough for a dozen people and had red silk sheets that could probably be used as a parachute.
Harry had read the notes he'd left him and had gone all out, which left him very hungry. Instinctively he called out, "Dobby! Winky!"
*pop!*
Two very pissed teens appeared.
"Morning, Warren. Morning, Amy. Breakfast ready yet?"
T/N: Punctuation by Howard Russell.
