Yes, I am still around and trying to complete this. You can thank the large mass found in my thyroid and the great surgeon that then removed not only the large mass but half my thyroid with it. So in between sleeping and being really drugged up on pain pills I give you my next effort at an update for you.


I know that I couldn't stall any longer. I had to talk to Ashley and let her know what is going on with me. I am just so afraid and I don't want her to think of me as weak. I hear the water in the bathroom shut off and I know that it is now or never. If I cannot talk to Ashley about this, I might not be able to talk to anyone about this and I need to.

I decided that I am going to go following Ashley into the bedroom for this talk. I sit on the bed and wait for Ash to finish dressing. When she is done, she comes and sits down beside me. "Spence if you are not ready to talk about this you don't have to." Ashley starts "I'm just worried about you. I even understand if you want to talk to somebody else about this. I know this might seem weird that I would suggest this but what about talking to Carmen. And its not that I don't want you to talk to me because I do but I can sense that something is holding you back and I understand. So how about I call Carmen and see if she can met us at the beach and then you two can take while I work out?" Ashley finished with a smile pulling out her phone.

How is it that she knew what I needed when even I didn't? When she got off the phone with Carmen, I wrapped her in a tight hug. I really don't know what I did, but I thank god for bringing Ashley into my life. I am not sure where I would be without her. Maybe just maybe once I talk to Carmen, she will help me talk to Ashley. "Thanks for arranging this for me Ash. I think that is exactly what I needed but didn't know it until you said it. And its not that I don't want to talk to you it's just that I don't know how to do it yet. Does that make sense at all?" Ashley leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. "It makes perfect sense." Ashley whispered before kissing me again.

"Thanks for meeting my Carmen, I really appreciate it". "It's not a problem Spencer, I owe Ashley more then a few favors so when she called I was more then willing to meet and talk with you." Carmen tells me. We walk a little was down closer to the water. There are not too many people around and that is exactly how I like things recently. We finally find a nice quiet spot to sit down. I don't know where to begin or even describe what is going on in my head so I just sit and play with the sand for now.

Carmen is the first to break the silence. "I think I know why I am here with you Spence. You need answers and you need closure and most of all you need somebody to yell out. You need somebody to get out all the rage you are feeling inside. Once you can do all that, you can move on. Ashley and I both know the steps that you need to take and the fear that you have. Ashley knows the fear more then I would but I am here for you."

"Why did you do it?" I ask. Carmen looks at me slightly confused. "You mean why did I abuse her?" Carmen asked. I just slightly nod my head in reply. "Mostly because I could, I felt she was weaker then I and I couldn't take my anger out on somebody stronger then I was. She was there and convenient. I had my own human punching bag and one that I could not only physically abuse but also verbally abuse. I had the best of both worlds. Somebody to love me and somebody to talk out all my anger on. I did not see it as wrong. I saw it as I was angry and upset and there Ashley was to take it out on. It did not matter that it was wrong I really didn't see it that way. It was messed up in my head and I can see that now. In my head Ashley was not, a person that I cared about she was just that punching bag. She was that person I could push around who would not and could not fight back she was an easy target." I had heard enough what Carman was saying was just way too hard to hear? Is that what Tom thought about me also? It was hard to sit there and listen to Carmen say those things but I did sit there and listen. I don't know how long she was talking but I let her say her peace because I knew she needed just as badly as I did. Once she was done, I had some questions and I just prayed to god she could answer them for me.

"So why me, why Ashley? What did we do that made us be abused? Was it something that we could have changed? Are if it wasn't us would it have been somebody else? I just need somebody to tell me why." I break down into tears and realize what Carmen has been saying nobody can really tell me why I have been abused beside the obvious reason. The sad thing is that I have. I pray to god that I wasn't or that the millions of others in the world were not. I am grateful though that this brought be to Ashley so that maybe just maybe I could learn what true love really is about.