Chapter 52: Just One More Day
In the end, when you know the end is coming you find yourself wishing you could have just one more day. That night with Bill after the oncologist appointment had been rough. He didn't seem to want to let me out of his sight even for a moment and I know that he didn't sleep well at all for the following morning the bags under his eyes were worse than the ones under mine.
Bill seemed like he was literally on edge as we waited for the doctor to call us back with the scan results, or more so her office calling to schedule a time for us to come in and go over what they found on the CT. And just like clockwork she called two days later and I had an appointment for the following day. Even though I told him that it wasn't necessary Bill cleared his schedule.
We got there around 10 o'clock for my 10:15 appointment. Bill looked like he was about to crawl out of his skin, whereas I was completely calm for once. I knew what the news was going to be for some reason and while it was unsettling I knew that there wasn't much I could do about it.
He walked back with me, for some reason he didn't want to wait out in the waiting room this time. I think part of it was that he didn't trust me not to try to minimize the situation when I was relaying the information to him.
I glanced up to see the doctor come into the small room that we were sitting in. It felt a lot smaller this time, like the walls in there were closing in on me. It could have been just that this time there was an extra person in there.
"Morning Dr. Martin." I said with a soft smile on my face. There was no reason for me at this point to be any other way.
"Good morning Anna." She said coming in, "how are you feeling?"
"Good, better I think. I haven't been as tired as I have been." I trusted the oncologist and knew enough not to try to play things off.
"That's good to hear." I knew that there was more to it than that and the conversation was going to either get worse or get better but right now it seemed to be that we were stuck in pleasantries.
I gave her that looked the one that almost begged for her to get to the point and not prolong things. I knew why I was there and the number of various things that could potentially be found on that CT. "What did the CT show?"
"I think that we should schedule a biopsy." Dr. Martin told me.
Hearing her say that took some of the wind from my sails. My mind instantly went where I didn't want it to go. "Where has it spread now?"
"Anna we didn't see any spots." Dr. Martin said to me, "right now it could be nothing more the benign re-growth."
I knew that wasn't true. We both knew what it was she just didn't want to jump the gun and say it's back before she had those final test results back saying it was definite. With Bill sitting there she was probably trying to buy a little more time for him to adjust to the fact that we were dealing with yet another reoccurrence. I know that my odds weren't all that good. "Okay," I knew it was a one word answer but at the moment as I processed everything it was the best that I could do.
"We'll set it up for later tomorrow, unless you want to do it in the morning?" Dr. Martin said to me.
"No that's fine." I had this feeling like I was going numb inside and the way that Bill was now holding onto my hand I was guessing from my reaction to all of this he was starting to sense that it wasn't something good that we were talking about.
I got up from where I had been sitting so that we could schedule tomorrow's test. I had a shift tonight so doing it in the afternoon would allow me a few hours of restless sleep before hand. While I had been feeling better I still wasn't at the top of my game. But I already knew that I couldn't do yet another round of chemo. In my heart I knew this time I couldn't and wasn't going to beat it.
"Tomorrow at 2," Dr. Martin said to me, "you know the drill check in at 1."
"Yeah I know it." I answered, "I'll see you tomorrow." I bid my farewell to the doctor.
As Bill and I headed down to the car I heard his voice break the silence. "I will clear my schedule for tomorrow."
"Honey you don't need to do that." I said. I couldn't see the need for him to take time off work or miss anymore of his class time than he already had.
"You'll need someone to drive you home after it's done." He pointed out. "I don't mind Anna really I don't."
"There is no way that I am going to talk you out of this am I." I said sighing. "Please just don't say anything about this to anyone and by anyone I mean Carter or Doug."
"Would I do that?"
I sighed softly now. "Yes you would because you know that I won't." There was nothing to tell right now and the last thing that I wanted to do was to upset my friends with bad news when I really didn't have bad news as of yet. It was just coming.
"I have thought about it but no I haven't said anything to anyone."
"It's not that I don't want them to know." I said keeping my voice soft as I spoke to him, "but you heard the doctor just as I did. It could really be nothing."
I knew from the look on his face that he didn't believe me. That there was nothing that I could say that was going to make it any different. "I have a shift tonight that I need to take, you going to be okay?"
"I could ask you the same thing." He said.
"Yes I am going to be fine. There's no reason that I need to be sitting at home doing nothing when I could be doing something productive."
"Try and get a nap in at some point Anna. I know that you are tired." He said as he pulled into the driveway at the house. "You didn't sleep all that much last night."
"I slept just fine." No more or no less that I had in the last few weeks.
"You tossed all night long." He responded as he turned off the engine of the car.
"It's going to be all right. Please don't worry so much." That was more for his benefit than for mine. Yes, I might have been lying to him, but right now that was the way that it needed to be. I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss before getting out of the car. "I need to go and get in the shower."
I think that it was nerves right now that had me not feeling all that great as I headed inside the house and up the stairs. I really needed to work though and keep up appearances as if nothing was going on. I was good at that or would have liked to have thought that I was. Doug, Carter, Carol, and Abby didn't need to know just yet that there was something going on. It was more than something and I knew it. I just didn't know how I was going to get it all out again.
It didn't take me long before I was ready and out the door after a kiss and a hug from Bill. I got into County and was surprised to find that I was working the night shift with both Doug and Abby.
"Hey," I said with a smile on my face as I neared the admit desk. I hadn't gotten the chance over the past week to spend much time with any of my friends. "How lovely that we all managed to draw the night shift tonight."
"Little chipper tonight there missy." Doug said as he smiled at me.
"No more than usual." I said seeing as that at the moment there wasn't all that much there for us. I glanced over at Abby and then and there it hit me, "holy hell Abby." That was one big ring on her finger with one nice sized rock in it. "Did he?"
"Yes," Abby said giving me this look like I had just asked her the most ridiculous question on the face of the planet.
"Oh my god," I ended up pulling her into this giant hug, "I am so happy for you, when?"
"Last night." Abby said with a soft smile, "we decided that rather than wait a long time, we're going to do it in three months. We of course, expect you to be there."
I had to just smile for her, that wasn't something that I could promise. "I'd love it Abby." I tried to desperately keep my tone as happy as it had been before she said that but it wasn't easy. I knew that I really couldn't say anything right now about being sick and I didn't want to break any bubbles or rain on Abby's parade. "I'm happy for you."
Abby smiled for her as she started to move around the admit desk. "Thanks Anna."
"I'd better get to work on some of these." I said as I looked at the rack, "before Doug takes all the good ones and I'm stuck with nothing but the nasty ones." I smiled at Doug as I picked up a chart from the rack. "See you all later." And with that we all started in on the night shift.
