AN:- I was mostly just blowing off steam with this one. Please note that the earlier chapter where Thane arrived was 'The Assassin.' This one is just 'Assassin.' I am in no way running out of chapter ideas after 54 of the flipping things. Definitely not.

Chapter Fifty-Four: Assassin

The journey out to the Ismar Frontier was one of the longest Shepard had ever been on. They only had to pass through two Relay systems, but they were spread far apart, and their trip actually ended up taking them out of their way before they could go the way they were supposed to. For the duration of the travel time Shepard decided to keep the training exercises that had started with Grunt going. They had proved useful before after all. And in every case she excused herself, so that the teams would be forced to work with each other, instead of relying on her for direction.

It was clear that in the long term the Hanger Bay would not be suitable for various heavy fire exercises, including biotic use, but she came up with other training methods, including one particularly brutal game where she ordered no biotic usage. That one ended with Jack straddling Miranda trying to 'beat the Cerberus out of her.' Jack's words of course.

Two days out she organised her most dangerous game yet. Confining the rest of the crew to the Hanger Bay for the duration (she asked Joker to set up a viewscreen with a selection of movies and real popcorn), she set up a ship-wide game of Assassin.

If nothing else, the briefing had been fun.

"Assassin?"

"It's a game Garrus, nothing serious."

Grunt growled. "Why do you insist on games Shepard? There are real enemies to fight."

"Not out in the middle of the black there aren't. We're still light years from anything resembling civilisation, and in FTL space. So we're playing a game."

"What exactly would this game entail?" Thane had been very interested when she mentioned the name.

She pulled the sheet off the table she was standing next to, revealing the rack of training pistols. "You know these I think. They fire non-lethal slugs in various varieties. These have been configured to paint slugs with nanomachines. You get hit with one and you can't use any of the weapons until you've been purged. So no cheating."

"And the object of the game is to 'tag' the other players?" Garrus was grinning now.

"Precisely. You have ten minutes before they become active to establish barricades or hide or whatever it is you want to do. Certain areas of the ship have obviously been locked down to prevent damage, and I have to ask you not to try and break into them. EDI is watching after all." The hologram flickered on next to her in the shape of an eye. Specifically it looked like the Eye of Sauron. Shepard shook her head, suspecting Joker's influence again.

"We have scattered other weapons throughout the ship, so you can always find new ones if you don't like the pistols. Last man standing wins, EDI will keep everyone appraised of the situation, and once you are out you can go down to the hanger bay where they will be security camera footage showing how the battle's going."

"This sounds pretty fuckin' sweet." Jack was eyeing Miranda again. "We get to just treat the ship like a battlefield?"

"No biotics. No damaging the ship. No trying to use real weapons and obviously if anyone gets too physical." She spared a moment to look at Grunt as well. "Then I switch to rubber bullets."

"Wait." Garrus had cocked his head over to one side. "You switch?"

"Oh yeah, that's the other thing." Shepard picked one of the guns off the table and racked a heat sink. "I'm playing this time." She headed for the elevator, which EDI had timed perfectly to open for her. "Good luck," she said as the doors closed, and she was granted one brief second of watching them all scrabble to grab a gun.

"Locations randomised EDI?"

"Affirmative Shepard. Joker worked with Engineers Donnelly and Daniels to best hide weapons and power-ups around the ship."

"Wonderful." The doors pinged open on the Crew's Quarters and she hurried out, heading for the cryo pods. She had just slid herself under the decking when the elevator pinged again and she heard someone running out. There was very little noise as the person left, which suggested Kasumi, and sure enough a second later the thief came into her sightline.

Kasumi looked left and right coming through the door, then disappeared towards lounge. Shepard grinned. She was making it almost too easy. A moment later there was another ping and someone else came through, male by the heavier footsteps, and a moment later Jacob came into view. He headed for the battery, only to find it locked, and started to run back the other way. The gun in his hands started to flash as the countdown began, and Shepard looked down to see hers flashing as well.

He stopped in the mess hall and looked around, then grabbed a chair and ducked into the kitchen, clearly hoping for some sort of barricade. Unfortunately it would do nothing to protect him from an attack from behind and above. Which was naturally her perfect position.

Her gun pulsed softly green, then the indicator light went out, allowed her to move without risking being spotted. She slid herself slowly back out from the decking, watching carefully until she could see the top of Jacob's head, clearly looking the wrong way, back towards the elevator. Grinning she pulled herself the rest of the way out, absolutely silent as she crouched behind one of the cryo pods.

She crossed to the side nearest the kitchen and drew her pistol, thankful that she already had it unfolded, or else the sound of it opening might have alerted him. She slid closer, testing each step to make sure her boots wouldn't squeak, or the metal wouldn't groan and give her away. Back in basic she had been one of the infiltration specialists, and although her skills hadn't exactly been tested against the geth she still had most of her moves.

When she was within ten feet she sighted the pistol on his lower back, grinning at how easy it was. He had a pistol in hand as well, and had it sighted towards the dining table, concentration palpable on his face. She breathed slow and silent, squeezing the trigger and watching the paint splatter on the back of his uniform. He whirled round and instinct took over as she pumped another two rounds into his chest. His finger tightened on the trigger as well but the nanomachines had already shut it down.

"Jacob Taylor has been eliminated." EDI's voice emanated right round the Normandy, making Shepard grin. Jacob shook his head, trying to look mad but failing.

"First the poker night now this?" He put the pistol down on the floor. "I think I need to re-evaluate my life."

She collected his pistol and added it to her belt. "See you in the hanger Taylor."

As he headed for the elevator she checked the cupboards in the kitchen, unearthing a submachine gun. Her implants identified it as a 'Punisher.' As she unfolded it and noted the shape she shook her head. Clearly Joker had had something to do with this.

She kept the pistol out and moved through towards the elevator. Only Jack was now on this floor, bunkered down somewhere near the lounge. Shepard considered flushing her out and decided against it. There would definitely have been another weapon hidden in the lounge, and it would be heavily defensible, with the bar and the sofas. The best option would be to wait Kasumi out. Once it became clear she was safe she would probably try and hunt people down.

Decision made Shepard headed for the elevator instead, but the second before she pushed the button the swoosh of a door alerted her to danger, she took an instinctive step back and swung the submachine gun up to see Kasumi emerging from the toilets, pistol in hand, clearly trying to creep up on her. They stood there for a second, frozen by the sheer absurdity of it.

"Crap."

Shepard opened fire, covering the front of Kasumi's outfit with paint and forcing her back into the toilets, the doors wishing closed on her a second later.

Imagining the look of absolute joy on Joker's face when he replayed the scenario which had just panned out Shepard reloaded and headed for the bathroom. "Kasumi Goto has been eliminated." She opened the door to see Kasumi sitting on the toilet, grinning beneath the hood.

"Forgot the door made a noise. Careless."

"Happens to the best of us." Shepard reached behind her to find exactly what had been expecting, a pistol hidden behind the toilet. Joker you are too predictable. She didn't bother taking it, two pistols being more than enough for her, but she did remove the firing mechanism and chuck it into the sink. If someone was determined enough they could make it work, but it was otherwise useless.

"See you down there then."

"Zaeed Massani has been eliminated."

Shepard looked up in surprise at that. She had expected Zaeed to be one of the last ones standing, unless of course he had run into someone like Grunt or Thane early. She grinned at the thought of his outraged look.

Kasumi took the elevator first while Shepard hid just next to it, her submachine gun trained on the door. When it opened again there was no one on board though, and she stepped on, selecting the engineering level. As it started to move she crouched down in a corner next to the door and trained her gun there, just in case, but when it opened there was no sign of anyone.

Not taking any chances, she activated her omni-tool and selected the photo option, sticking her arm out for a second and triggering it. When she drew her arm back she had a good picture of both side of the hall, and there seemed to be no one there. She snuck out onto the floor properly, sweeping her gun left and right, and crept down towards the starboard cargo area.

The door opened and immediately a hail of paint met her. Thankfully she had been standing one side so it all missed her, but she was forced to press right up against the wall, a sitting duck for anyone inside.

"You ain't gonna get me fucker." Jack, of course. And by the sounds of things she had found an assault rifle. Shepard began to back away slowly down the hall, gun trained on the open door. She reached the door to engineering just as Jack's head appeared. She unleashed a stream of bullets which deflected off a shield. "Nice try Shep." Jack raised her rifle. "Not good enough."

The door behind Shepard opened just as Jack fired and she allowed herself to fall backwards through it, crashing to the floor. The paint went right over her head and she kicked backwards into the passage, hearing Jack sprinting towards her. Before Shepard could get to her feet the other door opened and she looked up to see Samara staring down at her.

Samara swung her pistol up to aim at Shepard's chest but before she could pull the trigger Jack skidded into view, also seeing the asari and raising the rifle to unleash a burst of fire. Not one bullet hit and she dropped the rifle, drawing her pistol just as Samara sighted on her. Jack's shield absorbed another two shots before flickering out, and that gave her enough time to target Samara, they fired together and paint burst across their chests in unison.

"Samara has been eliminated. Jack has been eliminated."

"Fuck!" Jack threw her weapon hard at the ground. "I wanted this to be me and you Shepard."

Lying on the ground staring up at an angry biotic Shepard could only shrug. "Maybe next time Jack."

"Yeah right." She turned in disgust to head for the elevator. "Fucking lucky bitch."

Samara was gracious enough to help Shepard to her feet. "It seems luck favours you often Commander. I hope this speaks for our own chances."

"Me too."

"Mordin Solus has been eliminated."

Apparently most of the action was happening up at the CiC. She guessed that Grunt and Garrus were both there, probably Thane as well. She collected her thoughts and moved through into the engineering section. It was unlikely there were any players there, but she did find a shield module tucked away behind Tali's terminal.

Most of engineering had been closed off for obvious reasons, but she made a quick sweep of the port cargo hold and Jack's hidey hole, but there was nothing there. She headed for the elevator, triggering the shield module and watching the field materialise before her. She got into the same hiding place as before, but as she expected no one was waiting for the elevator. She checked left and right again, then crept into the CiC.

Her shield sparked and she dropped to the floor, commando crawling out of the way.

"How you doing Commander?"

She leaned back against her terminal and checked her pistol. "You found a sniper rifle then Garrus?"

Another shot whistled over her head. "What do you think?"

"I think you don't want to try and outsnipe me Garrus. You know I'm better than you."

"Well sure, but do you have a sniper rifle?"

She leaned out slightly, just enough to make out his prone form, hunched over a rifle. She yanked her head back as another shot flew by, splattering against the far wall.

"Maybe I don't need a sniper rifle."

"Good luck with that Shepard."

She stuck the submachine gun over the top and opened fire, running for the armoury as she did so. A shot blasted against the wall next to her just as she ran through to the sound of gunfire. She dropped to the ground and reloaded as fast as she could. Thankfully the two people fighting in the room hadn't noticed her. Miranda and Grunt were on opposite sides of the armoury, Grunt armed only with a pistol and Miranda with a submachine gun. Grunt was forced to stay behind cover as Miranda poured fire towards him, but she couldn't risk leaving cover either.

As Shepard watched Grunt overextended himself, standing just as Miranda finished reloading. She unloaded the entire clip into him, paint splashing up onto his chin and over his arms. He cursed and threw his pistol down, stomping out past Shepard. Miranda turned to see Shepard standing there, aiming her pistol for Miranda's stomach. EDI announced Grunt's exist.

"Couldn't just let me have ten seconds to enjoy it?"

Shepard fired twice, ruining the white jumpsuit with green paint. "Sorry Miranda."

"Miranda Lawson has been eliminated."

Miranda handed the gun over. "Just win this alright? Prove me right."

"I'll do my best." Shepard checked the submachine gun and reloaded it, then added the pistol to her back and moved through to the conference room with the submachine guns out. She opened the door and checked inside, not seeing anyone. She slipped into the room and staggered back as a shotgun blast caught her in the stomach. She looked down to see orange paint staining her uniform, then up to see Tali stepping out from where she had been hiding behind the door jamb.

"Maia Shepard has been eliminated."

"Sorry Shepard."

"I cannot believe you just got me!" Shepard grinned and threw her hands up. "That is just not fair."

"Sorry."

"You said that already." Shepard shook her head and put her guns down on the conference table. "Garrus is holed up in the cockpit. He's armed with a sniper rifle. You'll never get past him."

"Then what do I do?"

"You're telling me the best engineer on the Normandy never had an opportunity to check out the plating under the decks?" Shepard nodded to her. "Maybe wait until Garrus and Thane have had a chance to have a go at each other first though."

"Yes Shepard. Thanks."

Shepard winked and headed back out to the elevator.

The ride down to the hanger bay was quick enough, and no more announcements were made while she was in there. She walked out to see most of the crew gathered around an enormous monitor which was displaying security feeds from around the ship. They were currently watching the main CiC feed as Tali pried up one of the deck plates and slipped beneath it.

"Your idea Commander?" Miranda asked as Shepard sat down next to her.

"How did you guess?"

"Jacob told me how you dealt with him."

"She's not gonna do any permanent damage to the ship is she?"

"Don't worry Donnelly, we'll put everything back right when the game's over."

"Wait." Jack turned back to frown at her. "We?"

"Yeah Jack. We did the damage, we clean up the mess."

"This contact paint's easy enough to shift," Garden said. "Just takes a special typa solvent."

"If you're all done," Grunt muttered. They turned to see what he was looking at, and saw a shape moving into position behind Garrus.

"That's not Tali," Miranda said.

"Did we really think Thane would stay out the whole game?"

Thane moved into position behind Garrus, raising his pistol and sighting carefully. Somehow, impossibly, Garrus seemed to hear him, and twisted to avoid the shot, throwing the rifle for Thane's head. The assassin dodged the rifle and fired again, the shot hitting the deck inches from Garrus' hand. The two men stepped back, Thane sighting as best he could while Garrus drew his pistol.

He managed to dodge another shot from Thane, then his own pistol was up and firing. Thane whirled out of the way, his coat flying. Gunshots rang out in the confined space and paint covered the walls around both men, until all of sudden it went silent.

"Garrus Vakarian has been eliminated."

Thane nodded, reloading and walking back down to the CiC, pausing a few feet down and putting a round through the deck at his feet.

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy has been eliminated." There was a brief pause, then, "Thane Krios is the winner."

"Oh you've got to be kidding."

"Are you really that surprised Jack? He's a master assassin after all." Shepard got to her feet and sighed. "Come on people, time to start the cleanup."

Zaeed was grumbling all the way to the elevator. "I could've taken him if the big lizard hadn't got in my way."

Grunt just laughed.

Shepard covered her own smile. "Maybe next time Zaeed. Maybe next time."

AN:- This was a lot of fun to write really. I just threw in references, character bits, possibly even a little foreshadowing. Although as to what exactly, I'm not telling.

I honestly don't know whether I'm writing Jack and Miranda as genuinely hating each other, teeth-gritted teamwork or slap/slap/kiss anymore. It could be any of the above and I cannot figure out which one I am going for.

I don't know why but I was overcome with the urge to write Shepard like Malcolm Reynolds all of sudden. She's done it before, so let's just pretend I'm doing it deliberately for whenever she's being fun-loving prankster Shepard instead of grizzled space marine Shepard, who sounds exactly like Wedge Antilles in the EU.

Spoiler for Pulp Fiction ahead. Shepard finds a Punisher submachine gun (actually from ME3 but it fits the joke better) in the kitchen. She then uses it to shoot Kasumi as she's coming out of the bathroom. This is because of all the submachine guns the Punisher most visually resemble a Mac-10 machine pistol, which is used in the scene where Bruce Willis shoots John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. There's also a pistol in the toilet because there's a scene in the Godfather where a pistol is hidden in the toilet. Joker's a movie buff.

I definitely didn't want Shepard to win, or to eliminate all the others, or even a majority of them. The problem is that with such a small crew it's kind of inevitable that either some people won't eliminate anyone, and some people will get more kills. The total count is as follows:

Shepard: Jacob, Kasumi, Miranda

Thane: Garrus, Tali, Mordin (Garrus thinks he was the one to eliminate Mordin. Thane timed his shot to fool Garrus into thinking there was no one else there)

Grunt: Zaeed

Miranda: Grunt

Tali: Shepard

And obviously Samara and Jack did each other.

Which obviously does bring up a lot of questions. What would happen if they had run into different people. Could Shepard have taken Thane? Could Zaeed have been more effective if he didn't run into Grunt pretty much immediately?

Anyone, this was just a bit of fun really. Back to the story with the next chapter.