Chapter 52

For a long while now she'd just been staring at him in shock. She'd witnessed SK uses either Jay's or Duke's voices on occasion, but had always thought it had been SK trying to gain her trust. The way Jay's voice had come out now felt different to all the times before. This wasn't some trick. This was… was…

'Jay,' she murmured uncertainly, 'Jay is that you?'

'Who do you think it is,' SK continued using Jay's voice, as he lowered his hands from his ears in order to stare pleadingly into her eyes.

The eyes, his eyes looked different too as if to betray someone else's control, almost hinting at Jay's playful green behind SK's dazzling blue.

'You're in there,' she felt like an idiot for asking, but she didn't know what else to say.

'You already knew that I was,' he stared back at her, 'how can you even ask that question?'

'I though you were just a part of him, I didn't know…'

'We are one and we are not one. We are three and we are not three. We're something altogether, different from anything.'

'So Duke is really in there too,' she stared searchingly into his eyes, 'and all those times SK used his voice…'

'It was Duke,' SK-Jay nodded. 'Just like it is me now.'

'But how does it work? Can you hear each other? Are they aware of what's going on right now?'

'We are three and we are one,' he began carefully. 'We're always aware of everything, even each others thoughts sometimes.'

'Only sometimes?'

'We don't always know what the others are thinking,' he admitted, 'but we can guess at it. Not always correctly though but that…'

'Doesn't matter,' she finished for him. 'So Duke is really in there?'

'Yes,' SK-Jay nodded again. 'Why are you more concerned with him than with me?'

'Because I know you,' she averted her gaze slightly, 'however much you loved me…'

'Need I remind you, you were not the first and only girl I was in love with? When I was alive…'

'I know that,' she cut him off, 'but that doesn't mean…'

'And also when I was dead… I mean, I was one of Dee's favourites.'

'I know that too, but there was something… I know you felt something… I could see it in your eyes as much as I could see it in his.'

'Don't you think we'd be able to see it in each other now,' SK-Jay protested. 'Don't you think we would have realised it and admitted it at least to ourselves? Do you really think we'd be chasing after you so much if…?'

'I don't know,' she cut him off. 'All I know is that you… you do have feelings there. Feelings that neither of you can explore now, so you're leaning back against the ones you can. The ones you and Duke have for me that SK now shares.'

'Don't you think he had them before?'

'SK, have feelings for me all on his own,' she couldn't help but laugh. 'SK was…'

'No he wasn't,' SK-Jay defended. 'He was…'

'He wasn't straight,' she cut him off. 'If anything he wasn't anything. He didn't have any kind of sexual attraction. Or if he did he not only hid it well, but he…'

'Still managed to fall for me,' he rolled his eyes, 'is that what you're thinking? Because that's not true. He didn't fall for me. He didn't fall for anyone until I became a part of him.'

'So you've just confirmed what I already knew. Before you, he didn't love me.'

'But he didn't love me either, not like that…'

'How can you be so sure?'

'I'm a part of him, I don't think I can be any surer.'

For a long few minutes she was silent again. She didn't want to continue with this if she was just going to keep getting blocked. What she knew to be true didn't matter in this situation, because everything had changed.

'You have to understand something here Cat,' SK-Jay broke the silence, 'just because the feelings weren't his originally, doesn't mean they're not real to him now. Not real to all three of us now. You have all three of us in love with you.'

'I know,' she sighed heavily, 'but I'd still feel like…'

'How can you be betraying him, when you're with him?'

'But it's just not the same,' she shook her head. 'I wouldn't really be staring into his eyes or kissing his lips or touching him… I'd be doing those things to SK, he'd just be the one behind the mask.'

'If he were still alive, but someone forced him to switch bodies, would you still love him or would you love his body?'

'Of course I would still love him,' she felt half amazed Jay could ask such a thing. 'But he's not alive…'

'But he has switched bodies.'

'And he's not the only one inside of it; that's what makes the difference here. I don't want three husbands for the price of one. I just want my husband. I just want one husband. I just want Duke.'

'And you can have him…'

'No I can't,' she shook her head, 'because it will never be just him and me…'

'You'll get used to that.'

'Why should I have to? Why can't I just allow my husband to be dead?'

'Because he's not dead. Well not completely. And he still loves you,' SK-Jay sighed heavily and half turned away. 'If he were a Nethher Herin…'

'I wouldn't…'

'You would have with me if…'

'No,' she cut him off, 'I have my children to think about. I couldn't do that to them. They need their father to be alive or dead. They can't have him as both that's just…'

'Possible. It's more than possible for the lives they've been leading. They don't need to lose their father.'

'Yes they do. Drake does.'

'Have you talked to him about it?'

'I've seen it in his eyes every time the three of you are near him. He doesn't want anything to do with you, because you're not his father. Not really…'

'He'll get used to the idea eventually.'

'He shouldn't have to.'

'Catilin we all want to be with you. And even if it means we have to go all the way back to square one and start wooing you again or whatever, we will do that.'

'But why? What's so fantastic about me?'

'We love you, that's what.'

'That's not enough.'

'How can you of all people say that?'

'I don't…'

'Don't betray your heart Catilin, it would kill you if you did.'

'I know,' she lowered her gaze, 'and that's how I know I can't be with you.'

'Catilin…'

'No,' she shook her head, 'I can't do this. I can't be with you…'