"-then the prince rescued the princess from the castle-"
"And then the stock market crashed, bankrupting everyone, and sinking the American economy into a worse state than the Great Depression, and then the British got all uppity and tried to get themselves back to the military and politcal super power they were until they got owned by the colonial Americans with the help of their allies, but the Irish, Australians, and everyone else they've screwed over got together, and somehow, the Welsh now run the world." Rob cut off Stacy's bed time story with. Stacy looked at her completely straight face withe her eyebrows raised. The girls were 7, and House and Stacy had come to visit them in their summer house, with Cuddy coming tomorrow (after Sadie threaten to chloroform her and "drag your ass there myself" if she didn't take sometime off work soon). The girls had requested a story to help them sleep, and Rob had been displeased with Stacy's.
"You come up with the strangest things to add," Stacy told her. Rob smiled and shrugged.
"You suck at telling stories," House told his girlfriend.
She looked to her side at him, "You can do better?"
He went in between the twin beds to where she was sitting. He nodded for her to move, "Yes."
"No."
"Why?"
"Because your stories involve violence, drinking, and sex."
"But that's what make them good," he excused.
"I might actually listen," Rob said.
House smiled smugly, knowing he'd won. "Move."
"Why?"
"Because, I need to sit there if I am going to propperly tell the story. And if they lay down, it'll still be easy to see me." Stacy rolled her eyes, but stood up. He sat. He cleared his throat, slid his fingers through each other, and popped them like he was getting ready to play the piano. "OK, let's show her how it's done." He winked at Rob. "Once upon a time, there was an incredibly sexy knight, Sir Gregory the Magnificent-"
"He sounds gay," Rob said. "Can't he be like, Sir Gregory the Super Fly?"
Jessica chuckled, but he stared at her. "No," he refused. "Sir Gregory the All Around Awesome," he gave her an "OK?" look. "Lived in a far away land called "New Jersey". In this land, there was Fair Stacy, Lady Sadie of Knockers, Lord Jeffrey from the land of Over Compensation, a jester and part time medicine man Wilson that was there solely for Sir Gregory's entertainment, and Evil Queen Cuddy."
"Yay!" They both clapped and smiled to screw with him.
He rolled his eyes, "There were also two midget twins. One was usually an ally to Sir Gregory, but had started deserting him for the jester, Evil Queen, and Sir Gregory's butter churner," Stacy rolled her eyes. "But the other was a minion of the Evil Queen," he looked at Jessica. "Forsaking family," he shook his head, "tsk tsk tsk." She smiled. "Anyway," he continued, "one day, the Evil Queen had a task for Sir Gregory to complete."
"What about Don?" Jessica reminded.
"He was off at war," he shrugged.
"He's twelve."
"He's, squiring, or something. But he mainly went for the prostitutes that hung out at the camps."
"Hey," Stacy warned.
House and the girls smiled. "Now, Gregory, being all around awesome, could have vanquished the Queen, but she was pretty hot, and it gave him something to look at on the rare occasion where she threw him in the dungeon, or "clinic". Her lair, or whatever being right there."
"I'm sure Fair Stacy appreciated him thinking that," Rob nodded.
"Totally. See," he leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs, "Fair Stacy secretly wanted to hit that, and his interest made it more possible." Stacy looked at him, and leaned forward to backhand his back. "Ow!" He looked over his shoulder, "You're not letting my creativity flow!"
She glared at him and said slowly, "No. More. Sex."
He sighed and turned around. "Fair Stacy was in denial about her lust," he explained to them, and they tried not to laugh. "Another reason he couldn't slay her was that Lady Sadie would get pissy, send a hit squad. Now, even though, Lady Sadie and Lord Jeffrey had some control over the Evil Queen, they refused to help a brother out, so, Sir Gregory was forced to take the quest of finding, and slaying a monster to save a guy. So Sir Gregory goes to his idea people, they don't get names, because they do very little anyway. He sends them on fact finding missions, and takes a well deserved nap."
"This is a boring story," Rob said.
"Have you ever heard of rising action? Now shut up, annoying midget." He exhaled, "OK, speaking of annoying midgets, the slightly younger one came in and said, 'I'm bored'. Don't asked me why she was there at 12 o'clock in the afternoon when she was supposed to be at school, but she was. They decided to go into the dungeon and screw with the prisoners that had mild medical conditions. The midget was given a special coat that gave her special powers, and a pad that made people believe anything she said as long as she wrote it down, and sounded convincing. She then saw prisoners for their whining, and diagnosed them, acting insulted when people mistook her for a child, and seeing how many she could convince that she was a medicine man."
"Please tell me you didn't actually do that," Stacy said.
He looked at her for awhile without saying anything. "...We didn't actually do that." He turned back around. "But after successfully convincing four prisoners, one of the Evil Queen's minions Brenda, who hadn't been laid in awhile, came in-"
"What did I tell you?"
"I didn't say anything about sex!" He defended.
"'Laid' counts."
He sighed, "Sir Gregory wasn't entirely sure why he didn't slay Fair Stacy."
"Probably something to do with her being fair," Jessica suggested.
"And her abilitly to churn butter," Rob added.
Stacy gave her her "look", "Same goes for you."
"The midget and knight were taken to the Evil Queen's lair," he shrugged, "where they saw the other midget. And the Queen was standing behind her alter used for sacrifice, and she was bending over it, in hopes that her neckline would distract Sir Gregory. See, the Queen's rack had special powers, men that looked at it were hypnotized, and lost the ability to move, think, and speak. But, Sir Gregory's devotion to Fair Stacy was so resolute that his eyes did not stray from her face."
They heard the noise someone makes when they keep the laugh in the back of their throat. Jessica had her fist pressed to her lips and shook her head when they looked at her.
"Like I was saying," he continued to look at her, "he didn't look down." He cleared his throat and looked at the wall between their beds. "So, Evil Queen Cuddy tortured him, and assigned him alone to go back to the dungeon for two more hours, and she kept both midgets there. Instead of going back to the dungeon, he went to see his jester. The jester was being annoying and not amusing, so he was glad when one of his people came back to report their failure. He ordered one of them to come with him when he rode out to seek the monster's lair, and another to spring the midgets from the Queen's lair."
"You took them to a-"
"It's a fictional story!" He cut off her outrage, even though this happened in early June. "You need to stop interupting," he told her irritably. "So, Sir Gregory's squire successfully distracted Queen Cuddy so the midgets could escape through the side door, and they met him in front of the castle, and mounted his steed. They rode off to the home of the guy and let themselves in. Sir Gregory sent the midgets to search for clues, along with his squire. And before long, the older midget found something. 'Sir Gregory,' she called. 'I've found something, and tis really gross.'. The midget had found a mouse trap, with a mouse. Suddenly, Gregory the All Around Awesome knew what was killing the guy. Everyone mounted up, and rode to the castle. The squire gave Sir Gregory his broad sword, and in one stroke, that also demonstrated his sexual prowess, Sir Gregory felled the beast, and saved the guy. Queen Cuddy was so impressed, she no longer required him to go to the dungeon. And also came home with-" Stacy flicked his ear. "Ow! OK! Fine, the Evil Queen did not come home with Sir Gregory, but she was thinking about it." He sighed, "And then Lady Sadie, and Lord Jeffrey took the midgets to the sunny kingdom of Pretension and Plastic for the summer, due to return in August. The End."
"I liked that story," Rob said.
"That wasn't enough romance," Jessica said, laying down, putting her head on the pillow.
Rob looked over at her. "Girl." She said as an accusation.
Jessica smiled, "Yep."
Rob smiled and laid down on her side as House stood up, "You should tell that story again tomorrow night when Lisa's here."
Jessica chuckled, "That would be really funny."
"Sure thing," he nodded, moving the chair.
"Night Stacy," they said, their eyes already closed.
"Night girls."
"Night Greg," they said almost together.
"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the rats bite." He turned to see Sadie leaning against the door frame.
"That was a good story." The adults left the room. "It's interesting that you accused my husband of having a small penis."
In her room, almost asleep, Rob chuckled.
