Well I think I made y'all wait long enough, so this chapter should shed some light on things, ne?

But before we get into that, here's a word from our sponsors. The last chapter was brought to you by Raymond Chandler, an early twentieth century novelist known for writing hard-boiled detective stories. I've never read them myself, but I'd assume their very noirish.

And now, on with the crack!

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"I tink Mithter Renji bwoke himself," Nel said as she stared at the unmoving Renji.

He was still on fire by the way.

"Maybe we should just leave him be for now," Rukia suggested hesitantly, peeking out from behind Ichigo.

The fact that Renji was on fire but not burning up kind of frightened her.

"I'll take care this," Tatsuki said confidently, striding over to the unmoving, red haired cop. "Oi, Eyebrows! Snap the [censor] out of it already!" She smacked him across the face, which for some weird reason (in addition to snapping him out of his trance) caused the fire to instantly vanish.

"That bastard!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "Who does he think he is, taking advantage of her like that?"

"Um, yeah...what?" Ichigo said, having sufficiently recovered from being choked by Nel a minute ago.

"That douchebag she's sharing saliva with down there!" Renji pointed emphatically down at the restaurant, "I mean, he's clearly just going out with her for her body."

"OK," Ichigo said, "first of all, where the [censor] did that come from?"

"Yeah," Rukia agreed, "you're acting kind of weird."

"I'm not acting weird," Renji protested, his eyebrow twitching a little.

"Yeah...and second, how do you know what this guy's intentions towards Isane are? You ever met this guy?"

"Well..." Renji struggled to come up with some sort of believable excuse as to how he knew Isane's date.

"The answer would be no, idiot," Tatsuki explained to him.

"He's Isane-chan's shweethart from Highschool," Nel exclaimed suddenly, causing Rukia to turn and stare at her.

"How do you know that?" Rukia wondered.

"Isane-chan told me about him at bedtime once. She twied to make it seem like a story, but she'th not a vewy good liar."

"It doesn't matter if I know him or not," Renji continued to protest, "there's just something about him that grinds my gears."

"Like the fact that he's good looking and making eyes at our resident medic?" Tatsuki suggested, taken to spying on Isane through her sniper scope. "Oh and look at that, he's got a tattoo on the left side of his face."

Renji grabbed his piece of crap binoculars and focused in on the man sitting across from Isane. On his cheekbone was the number '69'.

"He's a punk!" Renji exclaimed. "I mean, who falls for a guy with tattoos?"

"Oh I just don't know..." Ichigo deadpanned, mercifully forgetting to point out Renji's self damning logic.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

"I'm booooooored!" Matsumoto whined. She already went through a few tens of bottles of French wine and was itching do something else to pass the time. "Let's play a game or something, just as long as we're not sitting around doing nothing."

"You ran out of booze or something?" Ikkaku asked, polishing his scalp with a damp rag.

"No, I still have plenty of booze left," she explained, "I'm just saving the rest for later. Now what game are we going to play?"

Yumichika raised his finger, "I have a copy of Twister somewhere around here-"

"NO!" everyone shouted.

They were remembering the time Yumichika made them do Yoga.

"I'd like to keep my liver where it is, thank you very much," Kiyone said resolutely.

"And since I cut back on my professional boozing my tolerance for pain isn't as high as it used to be," the woman with the figure of a porn star explained as she knocked back a generic eight ounce can of beer.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"How about something calm," Kiyone suggested, "like rugby or hockey or something."

"Too much moving," Matsumoto said, "I wanna do something that's fun and you can so sitting down."

"How about strip poker?" Ikkaku brought up, waggling his eyebrows. "You can play sitting down and you only have to get up if you loose."

"Anything that makes you happy," Kiyone deadpanned, "doesn't give me a good feeling; no way am I playing something where I loose my clothes."

"We could always just play Connect Four?" Yumichika suggested.

Three minutes later (and after much arguing) they all just decided to watch Spanish soap operas until the others got back.

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"I think they're leaving now," Tatsuki announced, finally putting down her gun. Rukia and Ichigo got up from under the tree they decided to cuddle under, and Renji just stayed where he plopped himself down an hour ago, pouting like an angry child (puffy cheeks and everything).

"Does she have her new boyfriend with her?" he sneered, putting as much hate and loathing into the word 'boyfriend' as he could.

"OK, seriously," Ichigo said, "what the crap is your problem? Ever since you saw Isane and that stud she liked in Highschool share a kiss you've been acting...what's the phrase?"

"Out of character?" Rukia suggested.

"Bug nuts, that's it." He stared hard at Renji, "What the [censor] is your deal?"

"Waaaiiit a minute, I know what's going on," Tatsuki snapped her fingers, "you've got the hots for Isane, don't you?"

"Awww!~" Rukia cooed, "that is sooooo sweet!"

"~Isane-chan and Renji, sitting in a tree,~" Nel sang teasingly, "~F-U-C-"

"Nel!" Rukia cried, "Who taught you that?"

"Baldy-kun," Nel said bluntly.

"Since when have you liked Isane like that?" Ichigo asked a still pouting Renji.

"I don't know...a long time now," he said, deciding to finally come out of the closet about this. "I guess I just always assumed she was afraid to get into that kind of relationship. You know, since she's got a phobia of pretty much everything else under the sun..."

Random important life lesson! Remember kids, when you assume something you just make an ass out of "U" and "me". If you don't know something for sure, don't be afraid to ask questions. Just remember to ask them sincerely, respectfully, and gently.

And now back to picking on Renji!

"You are such a wuss!" Tatsuki guffawed. "What, you didn't even think to ask before you decided that?"

See kiddies?

"Yeah well relationships aren't as easy for me as they are for some people." He glared pointedly at "some people" (here meaning Ichigo).

"Renji," Rukia said, putting a hand out to stop her boyfriend from starting a fight, "you should go tell her that you want to be her boyfriend if you really feel that way."

"And stop being a wuss about it," Tatsuki added, somewhat lacking in the tact department.

"Thanks for the encouraging words..." he said sarcastically. "But despite that I'm going to go tell her right now anyway!" He got up and strode purposefully down the hill to confess his love to the KPD's frightful medic.

Rukia was about to go after him and tell him that she didn't mean he should go right this second when Tatsuki pulled her back.

"Let him be," the female Bruce Lee told her.

"Ohhhh," Rukia nodded, "cause this is something he needs to do to grow as a person, right?"

"Pfft, hell no!" Tatsuki scoffed, "It's because whatever happens gonna be damn hilarious is what!" She held up a video camera (which had also materialized from Hammerspace), "And it's going straight on the internet afterward!"

Finally, Rukia thought wryly, a new low to be surprised at.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"You know that was incredibly stupid of you to do," Isane gently chastised as she bandaged the red headed policeman up.

"Especially when you let him get in this right hook here," Ikkaku chuckled as Tatsuki played back the video of him getting his ass kicked by Hisagi on her computer.

On the Internet. (Sure it would embarrass the hell out of him for years, but he figured that not dying by one of Tatsuki's special attacks for trying to take it down was a good trade off.)

"I guess kissing you straight on the lips after shoving him away from you didn't help matters much, did it?" he asked, wincing as she put alcohol (don't worry, it's the rubbing kind) on a small cut above his eye.

"Not really," Isane shook her head, "but if you'd go through getting beat up by an old crush just to prove you had feelings for me, then I suppose I'll reciprocate them." She leaned in and have him a peck on the cheek.

"They make a nice couple," Rukia said as she petted Quincy, "don't they?"

"I didn't know guy'th voices could get dat high," Nel commented, watching the video.

"Sappy romantic stuff is your department," Ichigo told her, "I just live in this relationship."

"Hee hee," Matsumoto chuckled, looking over Ikkaku's shoulder, "Wet Willies are classic!"

Quincy's exercise wheel squeaked.

The strange thing was that he wasn't in it.

Suddenly the phone rang and Rukia, since she happened to be the closest, answered it.

"Hello? Ukitake-san! Yes, Ichigo and I are doing fine. Oh, OK, I'll tell everyone." She hung up the phone, "Guys, Ukitake-san just called; he says there's a woman at the Snugly Duckling who's causing a bit of a ruckus at the bar and he wants us to do something about it."

Everyone was still watching the video on Tatsuki's computer.

Isane was bandaging up Renji and he was going "Ow..." occasionally.

Yumichika's cricket chirped.

"He said she was wearing Daisy Dukes and a black tank top, and was waving around a pair of Cutlass pistols."

"I know who that is," Tatsuki said, standing abruptly. "We should probably get there before she blows the whole place up."

"Well then what are we waiting for?" Matsumoto said urgently, already halfway out the door, "The booze is in terrible danger!"

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Who is this mysterious woman that may or may not destroy all the booze at the Snugly Duckling? Well, I just gave you a ton of clues, so is you put those ol' noggin's of yours to work you should figure it out relatively easy.

But just cause I'm a nice guy, I'll give y'all another hint; part of the name of this anime has to do with Ichigo's signature color. (And if your mind immediately went to Naruto because of that hint, then you fail. I clearly meant black.)

Anyways, keep thinking up those questions to ask Loly and Menoly for their Q&A special. They're getting a bit...'restless' if you know what I mean.

It's kinda scary...