"That's not the beginning of the end. That's the return to yourself. The return to innocence. Love - devotion. Feeling - emotion." The Return to Innocence - Enigma

Teach Me Tonight

Chapter 44

His mouth parts in fear or surprise - you cannot even tell - and he backs away from you slightly. "It was an accident, Mitchie." His voice is even, but you can tell his heart is beating quickly as his face gets paler. "I'm so sorry I hurt you… and I'm sorry that I lost control, but…" he clears his throat, breathing deeply. "Don't do this." He finally spits out, looking at you with bright eyes.

You do not speak for a couple seconds, before shaking your head. "I defended you - us - yesterday. Alexis came to me and apologized and I told her to keep my family out of her hands. I tried to protect us, but what did you do? You made me feel like I didn't belong. You made me feel like the guys who have grown to be my brothers were strangers. You made me feel like I'm nothing to you, but a hassle." He cuts you off then.

"Mitchie." He interjects, his voice wavering. "I didn't… I'm sorry. Just… don't do this. Please." His voice cracks, as he moves his body towards you. Immediately, you squirm away from him, turning your head to the side when he brings his to you. "Please." He repeats softly, his breath hot on your cheek.

"Shane." You whisper, closing your eyes. You shiver when you feel a tear slip from them and he simultaneously presses his lips against you cheek. He moves so that he is hugging you against his body, even with you trying to push him away. But it's hard. Not just because he is stronger, but also because you love him and you want to pull him close.

Think of the baby, Mitchie.

Crying, you lightly push against his biceps. "Mitchie, please." He begs, his eyes filled with tears. "I know I screwed up, okay. But my brother… he's my blood, Mitchie. He's the one person I have always protected and he's in the hospital? Are you kidding me? I just… I freaked, but I will fix this okay. I will take you out - both of you out when he gets better. I'll do whatever it takes to-" he starts, trying still to hug you, to kiss you, to do anything.

You cut him off. "To cover it up!" you finish for him. "Shane!" you yell exasperatedly, suddenly very angry. "Do you know how many times I have had to face you telling me to grow up? Huh! Or that I'm going to be a mother soon and I cannot continue acting up? Jesus, I go to a club and I get hell for it. But what about you, Shane? You did cocaine! You pushed me against a wall and now! Now, you have fucked up completely and what's your solution? Covering it up with gifts and pointless shit. Don't you realize that I need you? You! That's all I need from you. I don't need money or dinners or puppies. I need you to support me and for you to let me in, but if you cannot do that…" you linger, breaking off as tears fall harder.

With one final hard push, he finally stops trying to get close to you. He is looking at you with wide, scared eyes - almost as if he has never been in this situation before. "Don't do this." He repeats, so softly it breaks your heart. "Mitchie, I swear - don't make everything that we've been through a waste. Don't give up on us. Please." He continues in the same voice. His fingers curl around the sheets, balling up fabric.

You close your eyes again, breathing out slowly. "I'll call you later, Shane." You say, getting up as best as you can. You heart is beating so fast - it literally feels like it's about to explode. He watches you walk away from him, his hands still in a fist. "But don't call me." You whisper before going out the door.

The second you close the door behind you, you know every single thing ever between the two of you has changed.

And that's when the pain starts.

--

When you arrive at your house, the pain triples. It's the kind of pain that makes you gasp for air. The kind that makes you want to scream and cry and rip apart something. The kind that makes you fall to the ground in anguish. The kind that might kill you. You do not know how you got home or where you are in the house. All you know is the pain.

And it hurts so badly.

Your heart feels like it has been ripped out and you just want to crawl into bed and die. But then you feel a different kind of pain - like the baby decided to move downward suddenly. You feel as if it is pressing against your bladder. Paired up with the heartbreak, it's unlike any feeling you have ever had. You open your mouth to scream but nothing happens. Immediately, you want your mother. You want her here with you, to protect you, to tell you what's happening. But more than that, you already want Shane. You don't even care what he did, or was doing or whatever; you just want Shane.

You call out your mother's name a few times before realizing she isn't home. Pulling yourself up as carefully as you can, you make it over to your bedroom. The baby is pushing down so hard. Then you feel pain again - this time in your lower abdomen and back. You gasp loudly, sitting down on the bed to relax. When the pain goes away, you breathe out in relief. You have learned this past month that there are such things as false contractions. They aren't as strong as the real thing apparently, but they go away if you relax. When they do not go away, it's when you would know they are real.

That you are in labor.

Swallowing harshly, you bring yourself up until you are totally laying down, not sure what to do. You really want to get take a couple Tylenol PMs or something even stronger to sleep but you do not want to hurt the baby. You would never do that to him or her. You love the little thing, even if it's only in your stomach.

Think of the baby, Mitchie.

Shane pushed you up against a wall. He was high and he just did not care. He could have hurt you so badly last night.

But he didn't. He didn't hurt you after that initial push. He just cried and whimpered and told you that he was sorry. He shook and hugged you tightly, sobbing about Nate. And then he fell asleep. He didn't hit you. He didn't attack you or even say anything rude after that. He didn't treat you horribly again. He just let his feelings out. So is that okay? Is it okay to forgive him? To tell him that it's okay and that we can just move past this? Think about the baby, Mitchie. The baby doesn't need pain in its life, but it sure as hell needs a dad. Neither one of you two had good patriarchal figures but Shane's supposed to be different.

Right?

He's not messing up to hurt you. He's doing it to get rid of the pain inside of him. He does care about you, but why does he push you away sometimes? Why does he insist on going backwards, when you have been on the way to happiness for so long? You know he is human. That relapses happen, but he's supposed to be grown up. He's supposed to be ready to have a kid and get married and be an entertainer and be Shane Grey. He's supposed to be perfect.

But he's not and it's killing you.

Your head starts hurting so badly. And the baby is pressed on your bladder. You just want the pain to stop. So badly. You close your eyes to try to sleep it off, but almost immediately your phone starts to vibrate. You look at it before picking it up, seeing the new text message sign on the welcome page. You sigh and almost gasp for air before crying again. You do not want read what he has written but you want him near. Maybe it's that you want Shane, but not his problems. You obviously love him, but you are just one person. Can you help him? Or would it be easier to just give up on him?

Well, of course it would be easier.

But love isn't easy.

You sniff and cough, before squirming and opening the message. I love you, it reads.

It breaks your heart even more.

--

You have not lain in bed for a whole day in such a long time. It feels pathetic and sad, but you cannot help it. Shane has respected your wishes; he has not called you for the past couple days.

But you cannot help but wish he had.

The baby keeps kicking and pressing on random places. It feels so heavy in your stomach and almost hurtful. You know you need to call someone but when you reach for your phone, you do not know who to call. Eventually you speed dial your mother, closing your eyes as the rings go by. When no one picks up, you throw the phone aside again. "Damn it." you curse under your breath. You jump when you suddenly hear a long bang come from outside. You uncomfortably stand up and go to your window, looking as the rain comes down hard. The branches of a nearby tree keep hitting the glass loudly.

Sucking in your breath sharply, you open your mouth and let an involuntary scream out. You bang your fist angrily against the window, hitting it instantly, before backing away. "Shit!" you scream, kicking a nearby chair. "I hate this." You continue, grabbing some clothes that were on the bed and throwing them on the floor. You knock down picture frames and lotions and whatever else is on your night table as the pressure on your abdomen increases.

And that's when you feel it.

Pain - white hot pain traveling straight in your lower body. You scream out again, grabbing the arm of the chair you kicked to help you lower your body. This time, changing positions did not make the pain go away. "Holy shit." You breathe out, as the pain continues for at least a minute.

And then nothing.

You are almost hyperventilating at this point. Your mind is muddled but you try desperately to remember everything you learned in those damn Mommy and Me classes. Breathing out slower, you move your body to try to reach your phone but soon you realize no more pain is coming your way. Your shoulders eventually relax and you start breathing normally again. After ten minutes, you feel okay again.

You play with your phone as you lean against the chair. Closing your eyes, you speed dial the number. When he picks up, he sounds tired and absolutely sad. "Hey, baby." He whispers, with an underlining relief.

"Shane." You choke out before clearing your throat forcibly.

"Hey. Hey." He tries to soothe you. "Are you okay?" he asks, concern going into his voice. That always surprised you - how he can tell when something is wrong with you even if you are only on the phone. You try to answer but your throat is still tight. After a while, he connects the dots. "Are you going in labor?" he asks, his voice alert.

You clear your throat again. "I think so." You answer honestly. "But I have only had one contraction - one true one anyways. Do I go to the hospital?" you wonder out loud, leaning your head against the chair once more. Suddenly, the pain hits you again - abeit not as painful as before. It starts at your lower back before traveling to your abdomen. You moan in pain.

"Oh, Mitchie. Wait for me, okay? Call Dr. Goodgold to see what he wants you to do. I'll be there soon, okay?" he says sympathetically and worriedly. You sigh and nod, before uncomfortably squirming.

"Hey, Shane?" you whisper softly. He pauses, the only thing coming out of his mouth is a sigh. "You're the bay's father. That's why I'm calling you. My mom didn't pick up, so… this doesn't change anything." You mumble, tears doubling in your eyes. He doesn't say anything and after a beat, he hangs up.

Closing your eyes in pain and heartbreak, you feel like sleeping and never waking up. Instead, you call your doctor and listen to his directions. Just as you hang up the phone, the doorbell rings. You groan before somehow raising yourself off the floor, putting a hand on your stomach. After all this time, all these months, the baby is finally coming and you have never been more scared. Everything is wrong. "Shit." You curse as you make your way downstairs. The door immediately haunts you, making you shiver and tighten your arms around yourself. It takes you a couple seconds but you finally open the door.

He has not shaved in a while and his hair is a mess. He has his glasses on and a random beanie thrown over his curls. When he looks at you, his eyes are intense. They are no longer sad, but now they are a little angry as well. You swallow loudly before stepping aside to let him in, clutching your lower back in pain as you do. You gasp, eyes closing automatically when he presses his hand on the aching skin. "Shane." You breathe out as his fingers slip under your shirt, touching your burning skin.

"When did the contractions start?" he asks gruffly, his eyes snapped onto you. You gulp again and brace your shoulders, getting away from his touch.

"Like twenty minutes before I talked to you. I've been trying to time them. The doctor says that I am having mild ones. They should be done here at home, but as soon as they are closer together, we should go to the hospital. He wants me to be comfortable apparently. He suggested a hot bath." You try to remember all your doctor told you. Shane nods and you mistakenly look his way. The second your eyes meet, you feel like crying again. You try to get out of intensity of the glaze but his fingers dart out in front of him. He lightly pushes your chin so you will face him. "Shane." You whisper, almost exasperatedly. You can hear the exhaustion in your body when you sigh, but he ignores it.

"Tell me you don't love me." He says in an even voice. Your breath gets stuck in your throat. The entire atmosphere in the room changes. You feel like your heart might explode in any second. You repeat his name, barely hearing your own voice. Suddenly, he is trapping you against the wall. He puts hands on either side of your stomach, still looking you dead in the eyes. "Tell me that you don't love me." He repeats, this time a little harsher. "Tell me that everything we've been though has been for nothing. Tell me that we haven't changed and that we are worthless together. Tell me that you have given up on me and that you don't want my problems. Tell me that you don't love me!" he yells, stepping in closer. You can hardly talk. Not because you are afraid, but simply because you have no idea what to say. You can feel your eyes burn with tears as he searches your eyes. "Tell me, Mitchie." He growls under his breath.

Finally the tears come rushing up and you cannot hold them back. You try to turn away from him but he once again forces you to look at him. "Shane, please. Don't do this now. I'm starting to go into labor. This isn't the best time." You tell him, wiping your eyes and shaking slightly. He scoffs, shaking his head.

"I want to be this kid's father. I won't be the person who gets him every weekend. I want to be in their life and most importantly, I want to be in yours. So, I will be." He finishes fiercely. "That is, unless you tell me you want me gone. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you hate me, then everything will be over. I will leave you alone." He promises, his eyes still so intense. You open your mouth but nothing comes out. Suddenly, he steps in closer to you, stepping in between your legs to hold you in place. "Because I love you, Michelle Torres and I refuse to let you go. I'll change the bad things about me. I'll stop doing drugs. Whatever. Just know, I will not let you go." His breath is hot against your mouth as he looks into your eyes. "So, tell me that you don't love me." He taunts again, raising an eyebrow threateningly.

You blink away a few more tears. "You are an asshole." You say weakly, looking down. You take a shaky breath. "That wasn't why I broke up with you. Actually! I didn't even break up with you. You are such a prick. You think you can come to my home and attack me this way. I don't need you. I could… I could get some other guy to be our child's father. I-I-I can shut you out if I wanted to. You don't control me!" You remind him, poking him hard in the chest. He rolls his eyes, ignoring your words.

"You know that wasn't an 'I don't love you' right?" he points out, before grabbing your arm carefully. He lowers his head, capturing your lips in a gentle but still firm kiss. He backs you up against the wall, putting his hands on your stomach. You gasp as he runs his tongue across your bottom lip, allowing him to deepen it. You cannot help but sigh into the kiss. It has been so long since you have had him in an embrace.

But, you shouldn't be.

Right?

You shouldn't be kissing him.

Why again?

Because he's going down a road you do not want him to. But, you can change that. You can help him. You can be there for him and convince him that everything will be okay. He can be okay again. He can be. With you. With your help.

He moans into your mouth softly and you realize how intensely you have been kissing him back as well. You cannot help it; you've missed him so much. But then, it comes back. "Oh!" you break away from him, closing your eyes in pain as a contraction hits you. Shane gasps softly, his eyes wide - devoid of the intensity he had minutes ago. You try to breathe in and out like they taught you as Shane brings you close to him so you can lean on him.

"You okay?" he asks, putting his hand on your lower back. You clear your throat and nod, the pain lessening. "Okay, then I'm going to set the bath. Let's get you upstairs." He says, slightly out of breath. Shane starts to move but you stay put, your hand resting on your stomach.

"That wasn't fair." You whisper, feeling your heartbeat try to go back to normal. "Of course…I love you." You breathe out, shaking your head. "That isn't the problem. My problem is that I need you to be mature. I need you to be-" you say, but he cuts you off.

"Perfect, Mitchie! You want me to be fucking perfect, but I'm not. I'm just a kid, Mitch. Take away the fame and the money and the music, and all you will find is a kid. I make mistakes. My little brother is in the hospital. I'm scared. I'm so scared. And I'm so stressed. I'm sorry that I messed up, okay? It wasn't my intention to hurt you. It wasn't about you at all. Please, Mitchie, realize that I never meant to hurt you. I love you, baby. I love you and I need you to forgive me so that we can move forward, I'll get help. I'll do whatever. I just don't want to lo-se you." His voice breaks and he looks away but you saw the brightness gather in his eyes.

"Promise me this won't happen again, Shane." You say after a while. He looks at you and nods immediately. You let out a breath and look down, just as he walks forward. His arms snake around your waist before he pulls you for a hug. "Please, Shane. I need you so badly." You whisper as you lay your head on his collarbone.

He scoffs weakly. "Yeah? Because I distinctly remember you just told me you could find another guy. Who is this guy, Mitchie?" he asks, his fingers poking your side as he tries to shake away the emotion. You squirm and try to push his hands away. "Huh? Huh? Is it Nate? I always knew you two had something going on behind my back." He teases you lamely, sniffing slightly. You just shake your head and hug him tighter. He sighs deeply. "We need to stop fighting. The stress has put us both in this horrible place. We need a serious vacation. As soon as Nate is okay again, I'm taking everyone somewhere. We need to get out of here." He says, putting his chin on top of your head.

You breathe out softly but do not answer him. You just keep holding him.

He rubs your arm. "You know, for the girl who wanted me to give her space, you are hugging me pretty tightly." He says, obviously joking but his heart isn't in it.

"I can stop if you want me to." You say seriously, not even looking at him. He chuckles slightly and shakes his head no. He breathes in deeply before exhaling. Suddenly, he pales and he looks at you with wide eyes again. "What?" you whisper, tensing slightly. He separates from you, looking straight down to your stomach.

He puts a hand on it. "You're going into labor." He whispers, as if he just realized that. "Holy shit."

--

The ride to the hospital is quiet. You watch as he grips the wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white. "Shane, it's going to be okay." You say, but anxiety is biting inside of you as well. He looks at you but says nothing before reaching over and grabbing your hand in his. He kisses the palm of your hand softly.

"I missed you." He admits, his voice as sweet as honey. You swallow softly and look away as the car comes to a stop at a red light. "I'm sorry." He looks down ashamed. "For all the hurt I've caused. I'm sorry.' He pinches the bridge of his nose before putting his hand back on the wheel. "I feel so disappointed in myself that I reverted back to that. I honestly thought it was my only escape, but now I realize that it was wrong. I could have lost everything. You, the baby, myself. I'm honestly very sorry." He tells you quietly, still looking down. You stay silent for a while before reaching your hand and brushing back his hair.

"I almost called you like a hundred times." You bite the inside of your lip. "I don't like fighting with you. But if you promise, I believe you." You repeat and he gives you a small smile. "Let's put this past us. Like, let's leave it in the past. We're going to start a family in less than forty eight hours. Let's make it the most we can. I believe in us. I hope you do too." You say, looking out the window.

He squeezes your hand. "I do." His voice is so beautiful to you. You smile at him, putting a hand on your stomach. You look at it and tears gather in your eyes. Nate is still in the hospital. There has been no change that you know of. The doctors are saying he might die or he might recuperate in seconds. It's all up to him now. Sighing, you realize how ironic it would be if he died as you were giving birth. "I believe in us more than ever if we can move past this. We need to find happiness." He says with a sigh. You swallow before looking at him.

"I agree, Shane. I agree." You rub his arms softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you and everything." You say back, squirming slightly. He stays quiet but nods. Suddenly, another contraction hits you and you moan in pain. He looks at you with wide eyes. "Jeeze." You mutter, putting a hand on your lower back. "Can this baby come out already?" you groan as the pain intensifies. "This sucks." You say, putting your head against the window.

When you get to the hospital, you go quickly to the maternity ward. Shane helps you in a wheelchair and pushes you to the main desk. "Hi, my wife's in labor." Shane says to the lady behind the counter. The nurse rolls her eyes but doesn't look up, handing him a stack of papers and monotonously telling him to fill them out. Shane looks at the papers briefly before looking up at the nurse again. "Can you please find us a room?" he asks sharply, making the nurse look up.

Her eyes go big when she sees your lover. "Um, s-sure." She stutters, standing up abruptly. She calls someone to bring you to a single room. You sigh and shake your head at Shane, who promptly shrugs and rolls his eyes. "This way." She tells you, pointing at a black nurse who is waving at you. The two of you set off to where they assign you to go silently.

As soon as you are alone again, you glare at Shane. "You are a jerk." You sing, with a small pout. Shane rolls his eyes again, and instead of answering you, takes your face in his hands. He brings himself close to you before kissing your lips. He gives you a deep kiss before you hear someone clear their throat behind you. Gasping, you break away from the kiss and look into the eyes of your boyfriend's mother.

Ms. Grey is tired - you can see that clearly. Her eyes are red and her hair is a mess. The usual heels are nowhere to be seen and her clothes are crumpled. But, there is a smile on her face. "Cut that out, you two. I swear, she is about to give birth and you still cannot control yourselves." She says drily, before pushing Shane slightly away from you. She looks at you then, her eyes soft. "Where have you been, honey? Nate has been asking for you." She tells you, coming close to brush your hair back.

You shrug, going red slightly as pain goes through your body. "I felt bad." You whisper with a frown. She gives you a strange look. "I didn't want to intrude." You mumble and her confusion grows. She looks at Shane for a second, but he just turns away from her eyes. "Is he okay?" you ask, changing the subject.

Ms. Grey purses her lips. "Nate will be fine, I hope. But how are you, baby?" she asks, rubbing your shoulder soothingly. You look at her surprised, shocked that she even cares. Obviously, she notices because her smile falters. "I know these past few months have been hard on all of us, but that doesn't mean I don't consider you part of the family now. You are a good girl, Mitchie. And I cannot wait to have this little grandchild. I know he or she will be perfect." She tells you before pulling you into a hug. You shoot Shane a bewildered look over her shoulder but hug her back.

"Thanks, Ms. Grey." You whisper as you squirm on the bed. Suddenly, the doctor comes in and starts directing you. Shane gives you a scared, amused look as Ms. Grey goes back to Nate and you prepare for what's to come. With one last squeeze of your hand, Shane kisses your forehead before resting his hand on your stomach.

Everything will be okay.

You are starting over. From this moment on, everything that you have been through is in the past. Shane's suicide attempts. Shane's drug use. Your attempts. Your own addictions. The fights. The hurtful sex. The meaningless sex. The lies. The pain. The tears. The bruises. The sadness. All of it will be in the past.

From this moment on, you will begin a new life.

XXX

Sandra (C)