A/N: Forgive me for using this space for non-fic, but if you're going to be at Star Wars Celebration, I'm organizing a Reylo Reception on Saturday, April 13 in the late afternoon/early evening. Before I can book a space/caterer I need to know how many people to expect (this event will be free). Because ff won't allow me to post links, please go to my tumblr, perrydowning, to find the survey to indicate if you think you'll come.
"Now, I'll leave you to pick out your dress," he says as he pulls away from her. Part of him wants to spend the whole day wrapped around her, but he's eager for her to select her gown. It's one more step closer to vowing his life to her.
"What? You're not staying?" she asks, real disappointment marring her lovely features.
"Uh," he stammers. It's then he realizes she probably has no idea about Alderaanian or Chandrilan wedding customs. "Well, in the Core it's traditional that the groom not see the bride's dress until the event itself."
"Why?" she asks, a perplexed crinkle in her brow.
"I … I honestly don't know," he admits.
"Well, I'd rather you stayed. What if I pick out something you don't like?"
He shakes his head and his lips quirk into a small smile. "You really have no idea, do you?" he asks with a touch of awe.
"About what?"
"Rey, if you're wearing it, I'll love it. I would marry you in literally anything."
She ducks her head and his heart swells. He loves it when he manages to make her shy. It's an echo of the girlishness that Jakku never managed to stamp out and he steps closer to her. Lifting her chin, he holds her eyes for a moment. They swirl with glints of gold and green and he's not sure he's ever seen anything as hypnotic.
Clearing his throat, he says, "If you want me to stay, of course I will."
Beaming, she says, "I'm glad. I know I've said getting married doesn't really change anything … but I do … I do want it to be special."
"Oh, it will be, my love." He leans over and kisses her softly but with all of his adoration in his touch. After a few moments of tasting each other, she lets out a contented sigh and pulls back.
Turning from him, she takes in all of the glowing confections hanging about their quarters. Hesitantly, she starts to walk towards the closest gown. It's a red velvet with fur trim and an elaborate piece for her head. Privately, he rather hates it, but he really did mean it that Rey will look beautiful in anything.
Her fingers glide over the sumptuous fabric and she smiles. "Until I left Jakku, I never even knew something could be so soft. It's lovely, but it's not really me, is it?"
"No … it's a bit … ostentatious," he offers cautiously. He remembers how touchy his mother could be about her clothes.
Then she wanders over to a long, white lace gown and he starts as he realizes it's his grandmother's wedding dress. The tangle of conflicting feelings cascades through him. Though he knows his grandparents loved each other deeply, he does not want to follow in their footsteps.
Rey fingers the fine lace then pulls it off the rack and holds it up in front of her as she looks in the mirror. The cream color looks beautiful against her faded sun-kissed skin and Ben decides if she wants this one, he won't ruin it for her. He has absolute faith that nothing could ever turn him from his bride.
But then she frowns. "This is exquisite, but it feels … wrong, somehow. There's something, almost as if the Force doesn't like it."
He's able to avoid thinking too much about his loss, but the stark reminder that she can still hear the whispers of the galaxy hurts. The insecurity booms loudly in his head as he wonders for the thousandth time if he's cruel to bind her to him in his half-state. Once he was her equal in the Force and now … now he can only leave his meager offerings at her alter.
But Rey has said she doesn't care and he must trust her. He does trust her. She's made it abundantly clear that she still loves him just as he is and he won't dishonor her devotion by continually questioning it. His whole life he's felt unworthy, but when Rey looks at him, touches him, she makes him feel like a king among men and he refuses to ever change that look she gets in her eyes.
"Oh!" she exclaims, making a beeline to a dress; he can't see her until he steps around the rack. Oh. Well this is awkward. He hadn't realized Lando had brought the nightgowns as well and he wishes he'd noticed. Her eyes are glowing as she strokes a blue silk piece, meant to be worn over the matching slip.
"Look at this! It's perfect! I love the color and it's not nearly as elaborate as the others."
"Well, there's a reason for that … you see … it's a nightgown," he offers stiltedly.
Her brows go together and she shrugs. "So? It's pretty."
"I ..." How does he explain that everyone would know? To her it's just beautiful fabric. Then he decides he doesn't give a flying Gamorrean if it's not appropriate. Rey can wear whatever she damned well likes. Besides, it's not like she'll be wearing it for long … "If you like it, I think it's wonderful."
She gets a pensive look on her face and puts it back. "Maybe I should look some more, make sure I'm not missing something I would like more," she muses.
"Once a scavenger, always a scavenger," he teases without thinking. Panic wells in his chest. The last thing he wants to do is make her feel demeaned.
But then she's grinning broadly. "I always found the best parts. I don't give up easily."
"No … you certainly don't." His love is fierce. She certainly should have given up on him by now, but instead she holds on with both hands and shows him every day that he can be better.
"I love you so much, Rey," he declares fervently.
Smiling softly, she responds quietly, "I know. You make sure I know every moment of every day."
"Good … good."
Rey hadn't been kidding about not giving up.
She's managed to look at every single dress as far as he can tell. There'd been a black dress with threads of silver that had held her attention for quite some time. It's not exactly what one would typically select for a wedding, but he can't deny he'd adore to see how it would hug her curves. But, ultimately, she'd set it aside.
There had also been a golden dress with intricate embroidery that would show off her smooth shoulders. He'd adored that one, knowing the bodice would look divine on her slim figure. It didn't hurt that it had a piece for her hair that mimicked one of his mother's favorite hair styles. He'd opted not to think about that too closely. But again, she'd shaken her head and put it back, only remarking, "It's too complicated for me."
Once she'd explained, he understood why she'd been drawn to the nightgown and he'd wondered if maybe he should have simply had a few dresses made expressly for her. It's then he understood that he'd done this for himself, as well. He wants his family to be part of their wedding, in some small way. The cutting sense of loss had been quickly pushed away.
"Oh! Come here!"
He's lost sight of her and wanders through the rows of dresses, finding her holding a gauzy fabric gown that shifts from a pale yellow to a light lavender.
"This," she breathes out reverently. "This is the one."
She holds it out to him and he sees just how beautiful it really is. This dress will also show her shapely shoulders, and though it won't cling to her form, he can already imagine how it will flow down her body.
"It reminds me of the sunsets on Jakku …" she murmurs.
He cocks his head in surprise. "I wouldn't have thought you'd want the reminder."
Her face takes on a melancholy cast and her eyes grow wistful. "It was still my home. I know I told myself it wasn't, that I was only waiting, but … I'd like … I'd like to remember what was good about it."
"I understand … I feel the same way about Chandrila." She looks a bit confused and he clarifies, "Where I was born."
A thought occurs to him and he goes up to her, taking the dress from her hands and hanging it again. "We haven't talked about where we're going to have the ceremony. I had just assumed it would be here on the ship, but … it doesn't have to be. Would you … would you like to get married on Jakku?"
Rey flinches. "No … I do have some good memories, I really do … but I never let myself be one of them. I want to help them, I truly do, but I don't want to start our lives where I was enslaved. Besides, it's a bit far; I don't want to take everyone away from the fleet for that long. We are at war, still."
"Hmm," he says with a frown. Now that he's thinking about it, he finds he would prefer to marry her with his feet on solid grown, but he supposes it doesn't matter.
"What about Chandrila?" she asks quickly. "It's a quick jump from here and … and it would be a way to … well, have your family with us. In a way."
At first he doesn't like the idea, though he can't really determine why. But then he thinks of the calm, clear blue sea and the few memories he has of his family being happy. How on rare days his parents would take him to play in the waves and he finds himself smiling. Rey loves the ocean.
"There's a beach, one my parents would bring me to when I was a boy … we could-"
"I'd love that!" she squeaks excitedly. "At sunset. I always watched the sun go down on Jakku, the sky would turn these beautiful colors. It was the only time I really got to see anything but the color of sand."
"Then that's what we'll do. Now, try on the dress to see if it needs to be altered," he instructs.
"Nuh uh. I've been thinking and I want the first time you see me wearing it to be when we get married."
Ben makes a disappointed face. He'd been looking forward to gliding his hands along her hips, feeling her through the silk. But then he realizes it would be nicely traditional for him to not truly know what she'll look like in the voluminous gown. "Well then. I'll send in the tailoring droid and go find Shree to make the arrangements."
She surprises him when she jumps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist, peppering his face with kisses. "I can't wait to be your wife!" she shrieks.
Raising an eyebrow he says, "I thought you didn't care about all this?"
"I'm beginning to see the point of it all. What it means to choose each other like this. Turns out I kinda like the idea of saying, 'he's mine,' in front of everyone," she says with a quirk to her lips.
"Well I certainly am yours."
Then she's kissing him deeply and he decides to take a few minutes before he goes to find Shree.
"Shree," he calls out as he enters the bridge. But her grim face stops him in his tracks. "What, what is it?"
"The First Order, we just received word that they attacked Ilaria two days ago. It was targeted and quick. Not to mention brutal. They destroyed Ginya City and made off with at least 5,000 prisoners. Men, women, babies. They killed the children," Shree says somberly.
His stomach roils at the implications. Babies can be raised as effective stormtroopers; adults can be used to breed. But children … Why not just leave them behind? Why did they have to kill them?
Scrubbing his face with his hands he lets out a sad sigh. "Well that confirms it. They're attempting to rebuild the stormtrooper program. But it will take them years. I don't understand."
"Neither do I. I would have thought they would try to recruit soldiers."
Ben nods his head. "Anything else?"
"Yes, they managed to commandeer Ilaria's defensive fleet. It wasn't much, but they now have an additional fifteen vessels, 3 of which are heavy cruisers."
"Damn. Where does that leave us?"
"We still outgun them 2 to 1, but if they keep doing this …" Shree's hands gesture widely.
"Yes." Ben nods with pursed lips. "Do we have any idea where they are?"
"We're working on it, but they hit fast and hard. We haven't received any new sightings since the attack. But Analyst Bast thinks he's finding a pattern. It's only a matter of time."
"And more attacks," Ben grumbles.
"Sadly, yes," Shree agrees. She looks down with anguish pulling at her lips, but then her face clears and she meets his eyes. "What did you need?"
"Ah, well … this feels a bit inappropriate now, but I wanted to talk to you about the wedding …"
Standing in their quarters Ben looks out on the stars streaking by in the blue of hyperspace and thinks about how completely everything has changed. In just a two days he'll be marrying Rey. They're en route to Chandrila now and it has the side benefit of making a show of good faith to the survivors of the Hosnian System.
The wedding is all planned and now all he has to do is wait. The joy he feels when he thinks about it is nearly overpowering. It's as if his soul just can't hold that much feeling. But … it's in the midst of such turmoil. For a moment he wonders if it wouldn't be better to wait, but that idea dies quickly. He's waited long enough—needed long enough. He'd told Rey that he chose her, and now he has the opportunity to show her the truth of those words.
The way the First Order has gone, it's impossible for him to ignore that the rot was always there. It was Rey who made him begin to see, but it's their own behavior that has truly opened his eyes. Yes, it had been regimented, controlled, a well-oiled machine marching through the galaxy. But beneath the shining decks and crisp uniforms there had always been evil as its foundation.
How could it not have been? Birthed from the Empire, led by the dark … it was always bound towards a grim end.
Because his mother had always been right. Hope, hope is the underpinning of the galaxy. No matter how hard you try to stamp it out, the light will always rally, will always find a way. You cannot have dark without light. Just as you cannot have light without dark.
The folly has always been the hubris of thinking one could win over the other. Balance, it's always been about balance.
Is that why the Force demanded his sacrifice? Because here they are, one with the Force, the other without. He with the knowledge, her with the tools. Together, if he doesn't press her to be either dark or light … perhaps that is the answer.
It doesn't hurt so much, being without the Force. So much of who he thought he was, thought was connected to the Force … isn't. He still feels like himself. He still feels the same way about Rey, he's still deeply conflicted about his family … in fact … in a way it's like Rey said. He lost a limb, but he can still have purpose, agency, usefulness.
And who knows … without the Force he might never have fallen so far. Become so lost, so broken. He knows for a fact his father would still be alive.
His father … now that he's lost the Force, he's had to see just how much he has in common with Han Solo. His father had also tried to deny the light within him, but had ultimately helped lead the Rebellion to victory. He hadn't been able to avoid what was right either.
Walking over to their sitting area, he sits heavily in his chair and laughs mirthlessly. Now he'd like to talk with Luke Skywalker, but without the Force it's impossible. But he's sure his meddlesome uncle is still watching and he wonders … could Luke hear him?
"You know, Luke, I wouldn't mind talking to you again, now that I can't. You at least could tell my father how sorry I am. Tell him that I've finally seen why it all happened the way it did. I'm not that lost boy any longer."
Ben lets out a long, sad breath. "I know he didn't leave me. It was never about me at all. I was just too young to understand …"
He looks over to where Rey usually sits and his eyes fill with sadness. His family, they'd all touched her in some way or another. "Well, Luke, on the off chance you can hear me, even if I can't hear you … I'm glad all of you met Rey. She's … she's unlike any being I've ever known and I know for a fact I'd be drowning in pain and hatred by now if it wasn't for her. Stars, I'd probably be dead. She … she saved me. Please … please, if you can hear me … tell my parents … tell them I'm … I'm okay. I'm finally okay."
Quietly he admits, "And … if it means anything to you … Uncle. I forgive you."
He jumps when a vase falls over, but then the Finalizer shudders out of hyperspace. That's all it was, then.
Wasn't it?
A/N: I'm so sorry it's been such a long time. 'Powerless' was easier to write for a while there but I'm going to be alternating again. I really want to finish this bad boy!
Thank you to my lovely ArtemisBare for her continuous help!
Thank you Readers! I'm so glad you're still here!
