55. Three Little Words
"No, no, no, no, no!" James sounded, the ferocity of determination burning in his eyes.
"James Potter, you are being ridiculous," Lily retorted, her arms crossing over her swelling stomach.
James took his seat once more besides Lily on the sofa. He eyed her with a peculiar interest as he tried to control his temper. "There is no bloody way I'm going to name my first born child Alfreda."
"It's a family name!" Lily commented. "My Great Aunt Alfreda was a -"
"She was a right snob, may I remind you."
"You never even met her!"
"I didn't need to," James responded quickly, "Your dad gave me quite an earful..."
"Brilliant. Well then, when you and my father decide to give birth, you two can name the baby whatever you bloody well feel like," Lily fumed as her arms fell, fists clutching at her sides.
"It sure as hell won't be Alfreda."
"And what about your ideas, hmm?"
"I still think Spike -"
"We are not naming our daughter that!" Lily nearly shouted as her ears turned the slightest shade of red. "It's a baby, not some biker in a chain gang!"
"Then let's hope to Merlin it's a boy!" James snapped. "Maybe then we can just name it something simple. Like Joe, or Bob...maybe Frank? Ernest, Harry, Waldo -"
"Stop!" Lily commanded. "That one!"
"What, Waldo?" James asked. "Lil, I don't think we're going to be happy in three years running through the park asking 'Where's Waldo?' ..."
"No, not Waldo," Lily clarified quickly. She placed her hands on top of her belly gingerly. "Harry."
"Harry Potter," James echoed, a smile replacing his sour expression. He soothed his hand besides Lily's. "I could get used to that."
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"Well, that was..."
"Nauseating?" Mora answered as the two slumped into a vacant room. Saint Mungo's was busting from the seams, with more patients rushed in every other second. It was rare to find an empty patient's room about, and the two healers were quick to take advantage of it.
"Not to mention excruciating," Adam sighed as he slid down to the hospital bed.
"Honestly, I didn't know kids were so bloody stupid..."
"He was seven, Mora," Adam reminded. "He doesn't know how to control magic yet."
"But still!" Mora whined. "Boils all over the brother, the sister needed fifty seven stitches in her arse, and then the youngest -" Mora shuddered. "-Honestly, kids shouldn't be allowed anywhere near pointy, porcelain objects."
Adam patted his hand on the bed. "Come here," he cooed.
Still grumbling, Mora obliged, slipping into her boyfriend's arms. "It's been a rough week," Adam reasoned as he stroked Mora's curls. "We're all a bit..."
"Homicidal?"
"I was going to go with tense, but that works too," Adam smiled. He chuckled lightly, rocking Mora slightly with his laughter.
Mora turned on her side to face Adam as the redhead grinned slyly. "And what's so funny?"
"Your face," he teased as Mora pouted. Grabbing her chin gently, Adam pulled Mora close. "Gets me every time," he added before kissing her.
If Mora could ever reach perfection, this would probably be it. This was the way it should be. Relaxed, comfortable, and warm. Safe in Adam's arms. Mora never needed to try when she was with Adam. Everything was easy and natural. She could just have fun with him, with nothing to complicate it. No promise rings, no pureblood agenda, no basiliks, no secrets, no lies. There weren't deep proclamations of love, no schemes to rip them apart, no Jades or Eric or any Slytherin to make a mess of things. It was just Mora and Adam. It was safe.
Safe was exactly what Mora needed. She had enough on her plate as it was: the Order, the Death Eaters, her secret identity. She was sick of constant danger, of always looking over her shoulder. Adam was the complete opposite. He was predictable, always the charming, smooth young healer. A perfect constant for Mora's life.
Mora never wanted Adam to change. She wanted him to stay his perfectly predictable self forever. She didn't need another Tom; someone to declare his love to her over and over until he was blue in the face. Someone to lie to her, to kill for her. It was suffocating, and Mora knew she was nowhere near ready for that yet.
She knew that if Adam were to do something stupid, this could all fall apart. Her safety net could be yanked away the moment she needed it.
Their lips parted and Mora rested her head back on the coarse hospital pillow. Adam sighed softly, all the while staring straight into Mora's eyes. "Everything okay?" Mora asked instinctively.
"I just don't want to go back out there," he moaned. He let one of his fingers trace Mora's jaw line. "When everything is so perfect in here."
Mora couldn't help but smile. Perfect. Nothing could ruin this moment.
"Mora," Adam began, "I love you."
Except for that.
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"You did what?"
"Lil, I didn't know what to do!" Mora sighed hopelessly. "So I bolted."
"Did you say anything to him?" Lily asked from her seat at the kitchen table.
Mora groaned as she tore off her healer's robe. She let it fall to a crumbled blue heap upon the tiled floor. "Erm, well..."
"Mora," Lily said with a soft yet authoritative tone, "What did you say?"
"Thank you," Mora recited meekly, making Lily wince.
"Lil, it was awful! I mean, thank you? My boyfriend of five months tells me he loves me for the first time, and I say thank you!"
"It's not that bad, Mora..." Lily tried reassuring.
"Yes it was," Mora cried as she slumped into a chair. She burrowed her head between her arms on the table's surface. "It was a bloody disaster!"
How had this happened? One second, things were great! Fun, easy, laid-back. The air had turned from playful to ...
"What happened next?" Lily asked gently as she stroked Mora's hair.
"I took off, abandoned my shift at the hospital, and sort of wound up at the Leaky Cauldron."
"Please don't tell me you tried to drink off your problems..."
Mora chuckled shortly. "A drunk Mora is a disaster-prone Mora. Remember the last time I got plastered? My lips managed to fall onto Sirius'," Mora reminded as she lifted her head. "I moped around there for an hour, then came here."
"So I'm guessing Adam didn't have a chance to -"
"He tried," Mora answered, "He chased me halfway through the ruddy hospital. Managed to lose him though."
"What do you think he'll do?"
"I haven't the slightest clue," Mora said. "He must be upset. I mean, he told me that he loved me, and I practically slapped him in the face. He's got to be angry."
"There's no way Adam could ever be mad at you," Lily reasoned. "You two haven't even had a real fight."
"Still, I've never taken his heart and ripped it into teeny, tiny shreds. Until now..."
"Mora, you didn't rip anything," Lily said firmly, leaning forward. "Adam may be hurting now, but I take it will take him less than a day to realize what's really going on."
Mora raised an eyebrow. "And that is...?"
"You're just not ready," Lily answered, "You're not ready, and that's okay, Mora. Really, it is."
'If it were okay it wouldn't make me feel so bloody miserable."
"Relationships have a tendency to do that," Lily smiled softly. "Mora, Adam will understand that you need more time. He'll forgive you; you just need to be able to forgive yourself."
Mora groaned instinctively. "I don't know if I can even face him, Lil."
Adam Prewett, the perfect, hunky, sunny-boy kind of guy. The average, safe, charming boyfriend, able to sweep Mora off her feet on a whim. Everything Mora wanted, needed. Adam Prewett was the whole package. Everything had been so natural, things just flowed. Mora didn't have to try when she was around Adam, she didn't have to worry about love She was enjoying life, enjoying adulthood, enjoying Adam. She thought it had been the same for him.
But oh no, things were never the way Mora perceived them to be. Adam wanted much more than Mora's idea of a care-free romance. He wanted to give Mora more than a few laughs and memorable days, but the sun, and the moon, and the stars, and any other heavenly body divine enough to suffice for his love. He wanted more than a slew of fun times, but a future of Mora and only Mora. He wanted the things Mora dreaded most in the world. He wanted to tie her down, to suffocate her with love and passion and devotion.
And it would go sour. It always would...
Love was not in the cards for Mora Ashford-Cartea. It was the death of her. It was her love for Tom that lead to her downfall. Love blinded her to his true self. Love crippled her. Love let Tom lie to Mora time and time again. Love made Mora take a backseat as Tom transformed into a monster. It had all been there, right under Mora's nose, yet she could see her Tom, her perfect, loving Tom. The Tom who was willing to keep the earth from turning for Mora, who would jump through rings of fire if Mora had asked, the one guy who knew Mora better than she knew herself. Her first love; her only love.
For Mora, love was a mistake. A lethal mistake.
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The doorbell chimed through the dark house, its tones vibrating through the living room floor, up the soles of Mora's feet, and shaking her to her very core. This was the third time the bell had been rung, and the third time she refused to answer it. The third time she scurried across the wooden floor, only to stop dead in her tracks, then on to stumbling a pace back and forth with every conflicting thought.
"Mora?" Adam's voice called from outside the house, loud and clear. "Mora, please talk to me."
Mora cringed. Could she? Could she talk to Adam, face to face, without crumbling in front of him? How could she explain her reluctance to him? How could she every help Adam understand what she was feeling without talking about Tom? How could Mora keep her secret intact without breaking Adam's heart?
"Mora," he called again. "Please."
Mora bit her lip apprehensively as she crawled to the foyer. Taking on last breath, she twisted the door open. Adam stood upon her front steps, his face worn with concern, and his fine gray robes soaked by the afternoon's thunder storm. "Hey," he said, trying to be causal.
"Hey," Mora practically whispered.
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah, yeah sure." Mora held the door open wide enough as Adam slipped in. "So," she said awkwardly, "This weather, eh?"
"Mora," Adam cooed, closing the space between them in one long stride. "Mora, what I said - I wasn't trying to upset you."
"I know that, Adam," Mora answered.
"It just sort of happened," Adam hurried on, overlapping over Mora's words. "Everything felt right; we feel right, Mora. It's like when I'm with you, the world stops. All that exists is us. I've never felt this way before."
Mora winced involuntarily. This was exactly what she was afraid of. Love. Commitment.
"...And I know I never want to feel any other way again." Adam noted Mora's mousy expression. Quickly he grasped her hand, placing it atop his chest. "We have fun, don't we?"
"Of course."
"And you like spending time with me?" he prompted.
"I love it, Adam," Mora said, before realizing she used the dreaded word. Quickly, words spilled out as she tried to do damage-control. "But I don't - I'm not... when I say love I don't mean, I'm not ready - I..."
"I can see that now," Adam cooed. "I understand that you need to take things slow, you've told me before. If you're not ready, that's something I can accept." His fingers trailed to the sapphire necklace hanging from Mora's neck. "I'll just have to fight harder to make you fall in love with me."
"Adam," Mora started, "Me and love, it just doesn't fit, Adam. I can't -"
Of course she couldn't. Tom's face blazed in her mind; the smile that made her heart melt, the dark eyes that bore into her soul, and the blaze of determination he often wore. The face of her first love. The face of her last love. The face of a monster.
No, love was wrong. Wrong for Tom, wrong for Mora.
Yet a thought fell into Mora's mind, like an apple that finally snapped from a tree branch. What if this wasn't about Tom? What if this wasn't about what happened before, the murders, the lies, the destruction? What if this was solely about Adam?
Sure, Adam was great. A perfect catch. But was he really perfect for Mora? Could she see herself with him in a year? Ten years? The rest of her life? Could she imagine marrying Adam, promising to be his and only his until the day she died? Could she even imagine being in love with him?
No.
Mora loved spending time with Adam. Not Adam.
She loved the way he made her feel. Not Adam.
She loved the prospect of being occupied with something besides her lies. Not Adam.
She loved the idea of being wanted. Not Adam.
She didn't love Adam.
She would never love Adam.
She had to end this. Mora couldn't let this relationship go on any further while Adam developed these feelings. She would never feel the same, she would never use those three words that started this whole mess. Mora refused to use Adam, to lead him on and let him believe that one day she may love him back. She had to stop it now.
Mora bit her bottom lip as her eyes trailed back to Adam. "Just give me time, Mora," Adam said. "I promise you'll feel the same way I do, soon enough." He pulled her close, as if ready to kiss her. Mora nudged him away, taking a step back into the foyer.
"Adam, I can't," she said.
"Not now, but -"
"No, Adam. Not now, not ever."
Adam blinked back to her, his arms at his sides now. "I don't understand."
"You're a great guy," Mora started, fumbling over her words. She had only dumped someone once before, and she would rather not draw inspiration from that event. "Perfect. You've done so much for me, but I just don't see us going any further."
Adam shook his head, a smile reappearing on his face. "No, you can. You're just tired, and uspet, it's been a long day and all, you're not thinking clearly..."
"No, that's not it," Mora interjected. "I know exactly what I'm doing."
"Do you understand what you're saying?" Adam asked as he came forward a step. "Do you understand that you're breaking up with me?"
Mora gulped. "You don't need me, Adam..."
"That's bullock," he spat, with a new ferocity in his tone. "I need you, Mora. I need you every moment of the waking day -"
"And one day you'll find a girl who'll need you too," Mora said. "Who'll love you back. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if you find her tomorrow."
"There isn't going to be another girl," Adam stated. "There's only you."
Mora's hands reached behind her neck and unclasped her necklace as Adam watched in horror. Gently she pressed the sapphire jewel into his palm, and the chain thudded in his grasp with a small pling. "I'm sorry," she said weakly. "I can't."
