Chapter 53

Holding on

"Mum? What happened?"

In an instant, Tonks was at Andromeda's side, pulling her into a tight hug. Andromeda, unable to form words in her current state, just pointed towards the newspaper on the kitchen table. Horror-stricken, Tonks just stared at the copy of the Daily Prophet. She didn't have to read it to know what was going on. Ted's name had appeared on the list and he had taken flight. Tears found their way down her cheek. Disbelievingly, she started at the paper, not really seeing it. Instead, her mind was busy reconstructing her last conversation with her father. Of course, that story about an old friend of his had been a lie. Tonks should have known that, after all, her father was about as adept as she was when it came down to lying. She was still buried in grief for her father's unnecessary flight when something else stirred inside of her. Fury. Remus had known! He had known and still he had let him go!

"You!"

Practically livid, she turned at her husband who seemed to have been expecting no less. That expression did nothing to hold down her temper, though.

"You knew! You knew and you let him go! Why? Why?"

Her words became lost in her choking sobs. Instantly, Remus was next to her, holding her, giving Andromeda a compassionate look.

"I'm sorry. But what could I have done to prevent it? He'd have gone some other time."

"You could have told us! Maybe we could have held him back!", Tonks managed to get out in between sobs.

"He wanted to leave to protect you. Nothing you could have said would have made him stay, Dora, love."

"You don't know that! I'm his daughter, after all! He'd never been able to resist me for long. Maybe I could have made him stay!"

She didn't even convince himself.

"Dora, please, don't beat up yourself about this. It's not your fault. Ted just felt he had to protect the both of you. And our child, Dora. They will come looking for him."

"Do you really think it'll change anything if they don't find him here? We're still targets, all of us! How could he believe his leaving would change anything at all?"

"Perhaps it won't change that much, but for now, they're after Ted, not after you."

"That makes me feel so much better!", replied Tonks sarcastically, still crying. Remus tightened his grip on her.

"I know, Dora. That's hard to explain. But I think he just felt he had to do something about it. And have a run for it sometimes feels better than sitting around, waiting for your loved ones to be pulled into that because of you."

"As if we're only into that because of him! We've got more than enough other problems! He must know we never wanted him to leave."

"Of course he did, why do you think he sneaked out in the middle of the night? I don't expect you to understand, but it's too late to do anything about it now. It was his decision."

"A stupid decision! Just as yours when you thought it wise to leave me alone with our baby!"

"Remus is right, Dora."

Remus and Tonks both looked up at Andromeda, surprise etched on their faces. Up until now, Tonks had kept to silently crying to herself, but now she sat up more straight, wiping the tears from her face determinedly.

"What did you say?"

"I said that your husband is right, Dora. It was Ted's decision and we'll have to accept that. Remus made the right decision. Ted let him go back then and Remus returned when he felt it was his time to do so. I'm sure your father will come back when he feels he needs to."

Tonks shook her head disbelievingly.

"You know he most probably won't come back! There are snatchers all over the country and they're ordered to kill anyone they catch on the run! Didn't you notice all the names on 'Potterwatch'? His chances are anything but high!"

Tears still streamed down her face, Tonks doing nothing whatsoever to stop them.

"Now, Dora, your father's not dead yet. He put up with the wrath of the Black family, he'll be fine facing some Death Eaters. His tougher than you give him credit for."

Andromeda did her best to plaster on a fake smile, but they all knew that she just tried to pretend that what they dreaded wouldn't occur. Tonks knew better than to contradict her mother.

"Shall I stay?", she asked, voice still quivering.

"No, no, I think I need some more time alone."

"Don't do anything stupid."

They shared a week smile and with a last hug, Remus and Tonks returned to their bed. Their appetite had gone lost the moment they had heard the sobs echoing through the house. They didn't say a word until they had reached their bedroom. The moment the door closed behind them, Tonks threw herself onto her bed, crying in her pillow. She made a sign to Remus who understood immediately and put a silencing spell on the room. Andromeda didn't have to hear her daughter crying her heart out. Carefully, he sat down on the bed, caressing her back gently while she let it all out. When the sobs subsided to a level where Remus found it appropriate to raise his voice again, he started playing with her hair, her natural black now sporting streaks of mousy brown he recognised only too well.

"Dora, I know you're hurt, but your mother is right. Ted isn't dead. We don't know what'll happen. Maybe everything turns out fine, who knows? It's no use getting yourself so upset."

Slowy, Tonks rose her head from the pillow only high enough to give Remus an incredulous look.

"It's no use getting myself upset?", she cawed. "No use getting myself upset over the fact that my father just throw his life away for a stupid idea? You know he won't come back, we all know. And we also know that this is completely useless. They'll come for us anyway, if not now, then tomorrow. You can't really believe that this is going to turn out fine."

"Dora, believe me, I know what you're feeling. I've lost enough of my friends to war to know what you're feeling like. I know that feeling much better than I care to, actually. But he's not dead now and all we have in times of war is hope, Dora. As far as we know, we can all die any minute now. Maybe our child will never be born, maybe we're killed before it even gets a chance. But how far would we come if we didn't hope that we might be able to make it? Hope is all that kept me alive after the night I lost all of my friends. And I lived to meet you and create a new life with you. Sometimes, good things are meant to be and nothing is strong enough to stand in their way."

He smiled down at her carefully, not knowing how she would take his little speech. To his immense relief, she had stopped crying, though worry still stained her beautiful face.

"I'm so sorry, Remus. That was selfish of me. I didn't think about how you must feel now. But... He's my dad, Remus. I can't just let him go like that. You know, I knew our love was right all along. It felt right. This just doesn't. I just know that I'll never see him again and I'm a bit angry with him that he didn't give me the chance to say goodbye. Even though it's probably my own fault. I should've known something was up with him and as an Auror, I should have known better than to not expect this. I could have told him everything I need to that morning and I didn't grasp that chance."

"Dora, you couldn't know. You know what? I visited James and Lily on the morning of their deaths. I brought something over for Harry. And I didn't say goodbye to them, either. I had a bad feeling about that day, too, but I felt that if I said anything, it wouldn't change what was going to happen and it would only make the danger more real. Our only chance at something reminding of a normal life is to keep the danger out of our minds. I'd never be able to build up a life with you if I wouldn't remind myself to not ponder about how dangerous this is. Or that our child could be like me. Or that Harry might have let me accompany him if it hadn't been for the two of you. Don't be mad at yourself for things you couldn't help. I mean, you wouldn't have felt that much better, even if you could have had your goodbye, would you?"

Smiling up sadly at him, Tonks shook her head.

"I probably wouldn't. You'd have preferred going with Harry over staying here?"

"Of course not."

Their laughter sounded a little shaky, but at least they had gotten it out at all. The tears had died down for now. Tonks knew they would return eventually, but there was time to think about that when it actually got there. For now, she just wanted to be happy with Remus for as long as she could. After all, that had been what her father's flight had been about, keeping them safe for some stolen days. She wondered vaguely when the ministry personnel would turn up to try and question her father, but she decided to rather distract herself with her husband. Desperate to feel something other than grief, she pulled him against her and lost herself in a passionate kiss. Remus, probably guessing what she was thinking, sank down onto the bed, pulling her on top of him and getting rid off her top. Tonks fumbled with his belt for a while and when she finally succeeded, went on for the hem of his jumper. She wanted to feel alive and forget about her problems, all of them. She wanted to forget that there was a war and that her father would become its victim in time. That there might be no future for the tiny life growing inside of her. Resigning to new tears, she pressed her lips hard against Remus', who seemed to know exactly what she needed right then. The rest of their clothes ended up on the floor in a state beyond the possibility of repair and soon Remus was back on top, taking her roughly. It was just what she wanted, something to drown out all the misery, to take her in a colourful world of ecstasy without her having to do much to get there. Holding on to him tightly as her orgasm hit her, blending out everything else beside his skin beneath her fingers and the bump separating them a few inches, she shivered in delight, moaning his name over and over like a mantra that allowed her to leave reality behind for another few precious moments. When it was over, they kept on holding each other, trembling in the aftermath. They were out of breath and blissfully unaware of their surroundings outside the bed they shared. That was, until there was a knock on the front door.

Immediately, Tonks froze under Remus and tried to get up to support her mother, but Remus held her down with his weight, careful not to put pressure on her bump. They both knew it was the ministry personnel coming for Ted. Tonks' eyes asked him to let her go, but Remus just shook his head. His suddenly hard gaze seemed to say that this was something Andromeda had to do on her own. Tonks started to struggle, she didn't want to have to imagine her poor mother, still dissolved in tears, having to confront those murderers on her own. She wanted to get down there and kill them with her own hands, wands and magic forgotten. These reckless bastards had killed her father! Remus just grabbed her wrists, understanding her wordless fight with herself, and placed a hand on her bump. Tonks gave up her resistance. He was right, she couldn't endanger her child, even if she didn't care what would become of her. Still breathing hard, she buried her head in his shoulder, avoiding his eyes, snuggling even closer into him. Remus seemed to understand, he just placed a tentative kiss on her head, stroking her back with his now free hands.

It seemed as though eternity had passed when the door shut again. Tonks and Remus had changed position meanwhile, he had gotten off her, rolled onto his back and pressed her to his chest, covering both of them with the blanket which had fallen off the bed during their attempt to forget about the world outside. Tonks just wished that this state could have lasted a bit longer. She wanted to go down to verify whether it had really been ministry employees and help her mother cope with all of it, but then she feared what she'd may find downstairs. Besides, she doubted she'd be much of a help in her present state. She just wanted to forget, but her mother had no one to cling onto in anguish. That someone was in fact the reason for all her distress. Still shivering, Tonks tightened her grip on Remus' hand. He seemed to understand, once again. Their wordless communication was getting better every day.

"Shall I try to console her? You could stay here."

"No. No, if you go downstairs, I want to come with you. I just don't know if I'll find the right words. You're so much better at this. I'm no good when it comes to comforting others."

"You do a pretty good job with me."

"It's not that hard, as you always console me first."

"Your mere presence comforts me more than anything else ever has. But it's not that you're never doing anything apart from that. It also helps a lot to have you jump at me and scream my name when I desperately need to forget who I am."

Tonks giggled weekly into his chest, then made to dress herself. Casting a quick look at the floor, she laughed quietly.

"Well, we surely made a mess of our clothes. We'll need new ones, then. At least you do, I'm sure I still have more than enough, though I rather liked that jeans..."

"Dora.."

"I know you're sensible about that. Just think along the lines that I shredded your clothes, so I'm the one paying them, right?"

He just rolled his eyes at her, but got out of the bed nonetheless, fishing something else out of their wardrobe. One day, he'd hopefully be able to buy her some new clothes, too. Or at least replace her favourite jeans. For now, he was busy enough thinking of ways to console Andromeda, though he was sure the woman was tough enough to do a good job herself.

When the pair of them came down into the kitchen, Andromeda already busied herself with lunch. They hadn't even noticed how much time had passed while they had been locked up in their bedroom.

"Mum, that knock..."

"Yeah, ministry employees. I told them Ted wasn't there and they said they would return. I told them he just went for Diagon Alley for some shopping and would be back soon."

Tonks and Remus exchanged significant looks. Which Andromeda noticed, of course.

"I just didn't want to have them searching the place while I still... Well, I want to keep my dignity. Would you mind staying with me until they return?"

"Of course not."

So they sat down, sharing their meal in silence, waiting for the men and women responsible for Ted's flight to return.