CHAPTER 56
The journey back to Coruscant was a long one. Padmé gave in to the fatigue she was feeling and went to sleep in the passenger lounge. Anakin was grateful to Piett for having the consideration to bring a comfortable vessel for the long journey, and was glad to see his wife getting some sleep. He knew that she carried a lot of worry and stress inside of her, and it concerned him that she was not getting enough rest.
"So what is the plan once we reach Coruscant?" Luke asked his father as they sat down to have a bite to eat. Leia sat with them, keeping to herself for the most part.
"I was thinking that the two of you would need to hide your true identities," he replied. "So perhaps if you were to pose as members of the household staff that might work."
"Yes, I think so," Luke answered. "What do you think Leia?"
Leia had not been paying attention and did not answer.
"Leia?"
Hearing her brother's voice she looked up. "What did you say?"
Luke exchanged a glance with Anakin. "Haven't you heard a word we've been saying?" Luke asked.
"Sorry," Leia mumbled. "I'm just worried about Han," she replied. "And pretty tired too."
"You should try to get some sleep," Anakin suggested. "It's a long trip to Coruscant."
"I don't think I could sleep even if I tried," she replied. "Too much on my mind."
"I can understand that," Anakin told her. "I have that problem all the time."
Leia didn't ask what was on his mind, and was grateful that he didn't ask her the same. In fact, Leia had noticed a decided change in her father's attitude recently. It was almost as though he had given up on her, and Leia wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. Was this just another of his mind games; to feign indifference as some sort of bizarre punishment?
Anakin looked at his daughter, reading her thoughts easily. She looked at him, becoming unnerved by the intensity of his eyes. Anakin sensed this, and looked back at Luke.
"I'm sure your mother will have some ideas," Anakin continued. "She's always been the more logical one," he added with a smile.
Luke smiled too. "Are you saying that you're not logical?"
Anakin shook his head. "No, I never have been. I think with my heart, let my emotions govern my actions. Not a good thing sometimes, letting your heart rule over your head," he commented, looking down at his half eaten meal.
"Perhaps not," Luke put in. "But if it hadn't been for your heart you'd never have found us all."
Anakin looked up at his son. "No, that's true," he conceded. He sighed. "You would think that the Jedi Order would have seen the value of the human heart rather than trying to deny its existence."
"How did they do that?" Luke asked.
"It was forbidden for Jedi to have attachments, emotional attachments," Anakin replied.
"So how did you and Mother manage to get married?" Luke asked.
"We married in secret," Anakin replied. "Going against the Jedi Code."
"You went against the Jedi code??" Leia asked.
Anakin looked at his daughter. "Yes, I did," he replied simply. "I would have gone against the universe to be with your mother."
Leia did not know how to respond to such an admission, and she looked away.
"I'm beat," Luke said rubbing his eyes with a yawn. "I think I'm going to try and catch an hour or two of sleep."
"Good idea," Anakin replied. "I may try myself in a while."
Luke stood up, noticing the look on Leia's face. Don't leave me alone with him! She said to him. Luke just walked away, however, thinking that perhaps it was about time the two of them had a heart to heart talk.
Anakin felt as uneasy as Leia about being left alone. Still, he knew that he and his daughter needed to talk, to get everything out in the open, or else their relationship would never get off the ground.
"So what's on your mind?" Anakin asked, breaking the awkward silence.
Leia shrugged. "Han mostly," she replied, not looking up at him. "I haven't heard back from him in a few days."
"Captain Solo is very resourceful," Anakin commented. "I'm sure he'll be fine."
"You don't know that," she retorted.
"No, the future is never easy to see," he returned. "Just as the past is never easy to forget."
"You're right there," Leia said, looking up at him at last. "Impossible in fact."
Anakin met her stare. "If there's something you wish to say to me, Leia, I wish you'd just come out with it."
Leia hesitated for a moment, not certain she wanted to dredge up all the ghosts of the past. She wasn't confident in her ability to speak of what happened without losing control of her carefully constructed demeanor, and she did not want her father to see her in a vulnerable state.
"I'm not sure you do," she replied at last, looking down at the food that she had barely touched.
"Why would I ask if I didn't wish it?" he retorted.
"I don't know," she replied. "You do a lot of things that don't make any sense to me."
"Such as?"
Leia took a deep breath, steeling her nerves. "Saving Han, for starters," she began.
"I explained that when we were on Bespin," he countered.
"You said something but I didn't really understand what you meant," she replied.
"Didn't understand or didn't believe me?" he responded.
Leia looked up at this point. "Well, to be honest, I didn't believe you," she replied. "You have to understand my point of view."
"I do understand."
"I don't think you do," she retorted. "Not unless you wake up at night from nightmares of being tortured, your mind still full of the horrible images implanted there."
Anakin sighed. "There is nothing that can erase what I did on that terrible day, Leia; no way I can undo what I did. If I could, you know that I would."
"But you can't," she retorted, her emotions bubbling to the surface. "You can't undo it, and there's nothing you can say or do to make the pain of that day go away. Nothing."
"Perhaps not," he conceded. "But knowing you feel that way won't stop me from loving you, Leia. You do know that I love you, don't you?"
Leia looked up at him again, her eyes troubled, reflecting the conflict within her.
"With all my heart, I love you," Anakin continued. "You are my child, Leia, the daughter I'd always dreamed of having. And I know that you may never accept me, never feel anything but resentment and animosity where I am concerned; that won't change the way I feel about you."
Leia shook her head. "You see?" she said, her voice cracking ever so slightly. "This is what I mean. How can you say something like that when I know that part of you is still immersed in the Dark Side? Sometimes I don't even know who you are, Darth Vader or Anakin Skywalker!"
"Does it matter what name I use, Leia?" he replied calmly. "I am your father no matter what. My feelings for you are the same where I am known as Vader or Skywalker."
"So you admit that part of you is still Vader?"
"I have renounced the Dark Side," he replied. "But it isn't so easy, Leia. The transformation isn't instantaneous, just as my descent into Darkness wasn't. But I am fighting it, and I will defeat it. Now that I have my family, your mother and brother's steadfast belief in me, I will triumph over the Darkness once and for all, make no mistake."
"For the sake of the galaxy, I hope you do," she responded. "For my mother's sake as well. It would destroy her all over again to have you turn back to the Dark Side now."
Anakin nodded. "I know," he replied. "And I won't let that happen again. I have already caused her too much heart ache."
"And yet she has forgiven you," Leia observed.
"She has," Anakin replied. "I'm not certain I deserve her forgiveness, but she has given it nonetheless."
"She is very strong," Leia commented. "Far stronger than I am."
"Don't underestimate yourself," Anakin replied. "You have great strength, Leia. I've often heard it said that pain is what makes a person strong; in my case, I think it only served to destroy me," he said, more to himself than to her.
"What do you know of pain?" she asked, angry that he would compare himself with her mother, with her.
"A great deal," he said, stung by her question. "More than you will ever know, Leia. Some day I will tell you, that is, if you care enough to hear it." He stood up at this point, exhausted and weary from the negative emotions he felt from his daughter.
"Just one more thing," he added before leaving her. "There is no faster way to the Dark Side than through hatred, Leia. Hatred and anger are what fuels the Dark Side. Remember that."
Leia was too stunned to reply, and could only watch her father retreat from the room.
Anakin was met in the corridor by Firmus Piett.
"Anakin, good news," Piett said upon running into him. "I've just made contact with Han Solo."
"What did you say??"
Both men turned to see Leia standing in the doorway.
"I've made contact with Han Solo," Piett repeated, speaking to Leia. "Thanks to some adjustments to our long range sensors made by your father, I located the Falcon and was able to raise Solo."
Leia turned to Anakin and, for the first time, looked at him with true appreciation and gratitude in her eyes. Anakin smiled. "Go talk to him, Leia," he suggested. "I know how anxious you've been to do so."
Leia smiled, and nodded, and then bolted from the room.
Anakin watched her go, feeling a little better about the future of their relationship than he had mere moments before. "Good work, Piett," he said, putting a hand on the admiral's shoulder. "Well done."
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