I almost lost control today. My systematic methodology for controlling my emotions when put into situations like today nearly failed me. He laid his hand on my shoulder. I am uncertain if he realized how his hand lingered unlike any other time he had contacted me before. He was saying something to Isao-san about how diligent I have been lately or something similar and hopefully unconsciously rested his hand on my shoulder as he referred to me. My face heated and my chest felt tight. The shoulder where his hand laid tingled and warmed even after he removed his hand. There were a few moments of shock before I looked down and away at my paperwork as to obstruct the view of my visage to either Taicho or Isao-san.
I have seen too many girls swoon over a man in a higher rank over something insignificant. I cannot prove my worth if I show myself to be weak like that to the other gender. I want to be taken seriously and be seen for my abilities and not the men I associate with. I will not be a foolish girl who melts over a capable captain. Well, he's actually one of the most powerful and skilled captains in Seireitei. Who is handsome, actually really handsome. As well as kind and generous to everyone.
I've seen him flirt with other females before and I do not want to become another one of them. I don't want to become puddles or girly ooze at his feet. His flirtations are usually in a playful and light manner but that doesn't mean that those women respond in that manner. But my reaction today proved I too react despicably to simple, friendly contact from Kyouraku taicho.
While I understand I currently have these irrational emotions and reactions, it may be possible to convince myself to change the fact. While he has many positive attributes, he is an old man who flirts with lots of women. He also consumes an unhealthy quantity of sake. His preferred style of dress is also distasteful, like any respectable captain would drape a ridiculous pink haori over his captain's haori!.
I do not like my captain. I cannot like my captain. I will not like my captain.
I must develop a plan to help remedy the situation.
