This should have been up a couple days ago but that Miller's Daughter episode made me super sad and then I had to write parts of those chapters cause I wasn't going to be able to think straight until I did :p any way there is like zero EC in this chapter but there will be toots in the next one :) thought I should give Snow send Regina on relatively good terms before they during each others lives again cause, you know, I'm awful like that ;) oh! And just to clarify, that awesome conversation between Regina and Snow that happened in the show didn't happen in this story cause, well, Regina took James earlier and they had a little talk on their own ;)
At the sound of Snow's surrender Regina let up on her grip on the older woman's heart. Thank god Snow. She let out a long slow breath that would have been unnoticeable by any of the people in the clock tower, relieved she no longer had to harm the woman. She needed Johanna to stop talking, to stop telling Snow that she should let her go, Regina didn't want to kill her and she probably wouldn't have either.
James was confused and frustrated, he wanted to grab her and shake her, snap her out of this, this wasn't who she was. Why was she doing this? He kept his eyes on Regina's back and his confusion heightened when her muscles seemed to relax with relief. His attention was caught by the dagger flying up in to Cora's hand.
"Such a good girl," she taunted with a grin. The dagger was finally in her hand and Snow White was on her knees. A wonderful combination.
"You have what you came for," she glanced between Johanna and Regina before her gaze fell back on Cora, waiting for her to hold up her end of their unspoken deal.
Johanna watched the exchange between mother and daughter and she was put at some ease by Cora's agreement to give her her heart back. It was lost again by the way Regina looked back at her, like she worshipped her. It was hard to breathe when Regina pushed her heart back in and she howled and gasped, fighting for air when the woman's hand lingered on her chest. She looked up to find her expression had entirely changed and she furrowed her brow in confusion. Dark eyes were warm now rather than cold and empty, there was concern in her features and oddly, Johanna felt comforted and completely protected.
She had heard the evil queen had been changing but she hadn't exactly believed it to be true when she had taken her captive and ripped her heart out with such a dark demeanor. She also knew of the relationship between Regina and James and she wondered what exactly he saw in her that would be strong enough to leave Snow for. Perhaps it was connected to the sudden gentleness she saw in her now when her mother wasn't looking.
The exchange lasted moments before she outstretched her arms and retreated quickly back to Snow. The contact was short lived.
"Not quite everything," Cora moved her arm in one large swift movement, flinging the woman out of the face of the clock.
Snow screamed and brought her hands up to her head as Johanna was ripped from her hands and thrown out the glass. Terror gripped her heart, she couldn't lose Johanna too.
Regina covered her face and turned away from the shattering glass but her reflexes were quick and subtle, no one would notice, certainly not her mother for she was watching with glee as Johanna fell from the clock tower. Her attention was not on herself.
Snow and James walked quickly over to the shattered face of the clock only to look down to see Johanna laying on the sidewalk face down. She felt like she was going to be sick and her hand found her mouth as though it would help keep the pain from coming. She couldn't cry, her chest was too tight, her stomach too knotted for any sound to leave her mouth. Large familiar arms wrapped around her and pulled her from the sight but there was no comfort he could give.
James was furious and his heart throbbed in his chest as he pulled Snow away. How could she do this? How could Regina let this happen? How could she betray his trust in such a way? He looked right at her in search of an explanation and what he found didn't make sense but what it did do was calm his growing rage. Her jaw clenched and unclenched nervously and a small swallow moved the muscles in her neck but she kept her eyes down and subtly over toward Cora as though she was afraid she would get caught.
She flashed her eyes up to James and found an understandable look of betrayal and a growing confusion spread over his features as blue eyes waited for an explanation. She gave him the subtlest of nods but she knew he caught it with the way he was watching her and then after that short moments he put her cold mask back on, "well there you go," her voice moved smoothly, rolling from her tongue in a manner she had grown to hate, "you see where 'good' gets you," she rocked her head in small movements on her shoulders, topping off the character of the evil queen and the stone cold mayor before purple smoke engulfed her and she let the mask fall one last time as she met James' gaze before disappearing.
Snow was growing heavier in his arms as she crumbled to the floor and her cries starting to become audible. He hugged her tighter and rested his head against hers as she started to shake. She went entirely limp and he moved his arm to get a better grip on her as she began to sob violently, "Regina did something," he managed to whisper.
"She let her die!" Snow screamed before she let out a series of loud pained wails as she collapsed within herself. Everything hurt, it felt like her sides were tearing with the strength of her pained cries, "you said she could be trusted!" She screamed and then her sobs took over her composure once again.
"She can," he defended softly, pleading that he wasn't wrong, "come on," he lifted Snow to her feet but her legs were not working properly as half silent sobs ripped her apart.
...
She could move again. With shaky hands and short panicky breaths she began to move on the pavement, her blood coursing with adrenaline. She was nervously pushing herself up when she heard her name.
"Johanna?" It was a small whisper as she watched the woman move, "Johanna!" She shrieked and ran out of James' arms to help the woman to her feet. The woman's eyes were wide and she looked as though she was vibrating. Tears still streamed down her face but her crying had stopped and her face was one of pure shock that slowly morphed in to relief and joy, "Johanna!" She laughed unsteadily, "you're alive! Wha-what happened?! Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
Johanna stopped Snow's frantically fussing hands by gripping them in her own, "stop I'm alright, I'm alright," she nodded but her nerves were fried and she continued to shake.
"What happened?"
"I-I don't know I was falling but then I stopped and then I fell the last few inches but I couldn't move, I thought that perhaps I was paralyzed but then I-I could move again," she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself down and it did help but she was still shaking. She opened them again when Snow's hands cupped her face.
"She saved you," she said quietly and tears continued to fall as she looked over Johanna's face. With one last long look she kissed the woman's forehead with a happy laugh and then turned to James, "I need to talk to her. Where is she?"
James nodded with a smile, he was truly relieved, any doubts in his mind were erased. He had made arrangements to meet Regina later that day but Snow needed that time more than he did.
...
Regina walked slowly, taking all the time she wanted in walking and not because she didn't want to see him but that she was deep in thought and weighing out her options. To tell her mother or to not tell her. Her hands were jammed deep in her pockets and her head hung as she watched her feet step on the damp forest floor. She had changed out of her skirt and in to a pair of black trousers just to ward off the slight chill of the evening air a little further.
"Regina?"
Regina spun around to face the quiet voice she didn't expect to hear, "what are you doing here?" There was no anger or venom to her tone, just a simple question and Snow walked toward her slowly with a smile and tears in her eyes.
"You saved her."
Regina's expression softened significantly and the girl continued to approach her, "oh. Yes."
Snow's pace quickened and she closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms tightly around Regina before she changed her mind. She found she couldn't let go and she found she didn't want to and she wanted to even less when Regina's arms slowly wrapped around her in return. Before she knew what she was doing, he face was buried deep in soft dark hair and her arms wound tighter, "thank you."
Regina rested her head comfortably on Snow's shoulder, "you're welcome," a small part of her missed this. Just a small part.
Snow shook her head and subsequently nuzzled her face in deeper to Regina's neck and her scent filled her senses, "why?"
"I'm not heartless Snow, nor am I oblivious. Johanna was and is important to you, I remember that, I know that. There is no reason for you to lose her and certainly not on your birthday as you did your mother," her voice was soft and quiet, much like the way she had spoken to her on past birthdays and she could feel Snow start to shake in her arms.
The combination of Regina letting her hold her and even holding her in return, the fact that she had saved Johanna, the way she spoke to her so kindly, and that she of all people remembered her birthday caused the tears to slip past closed lids, "you remembered my birthday," her voice was thick and slow from swallowing her cries.
"Of course I remembered," new to her knowledge her thumb had been moving over Snow's back in comforting lines but she didn't stop, "you and your father were always particularly somber on this day. You would always come and crawl in to my bed in the dead of night and hold me and quite often you would cry. I would let you and I would run my fingers through your hair while I'd sing lullabies until you fell asleep in my arms," she finished quietly as Snow's hands balled into fists, taking the back of her jacket with her.
"I've missed that," she confessed with a watery smile and then a quiet mixture of cries and laughter shook her body against Regina's. She stood tall and strong just as she always had and she held her up with ease. Regina had been the only one to take away her nightmares on her birthday, not even James could do it.
"So have I," she whispered and blinked slowly.
Snow's smile widened against Regina and she tightened her arms around the woman that had become her mother. "What about my father?" Regina went very quiet and Snow lifted her head from the comfort of Regina's neck and shoulder, taking half a step back so she could look up at her and silently demand an answer.
Regina frowned and looked down and spoke in a sad and quiet voice, "let's just say I enjoyed having someone to hold on to too while I cried myself to sleep...even if I only got to do it once a year."
"No," Snow whimpered and the tears fell down her cheeks when Regina looked back up at her through glossy eyes and a jaw clenched to keep her tears from falling, "no," she shook her head, "no, no, no," she cried as the woman in front of her told no lie. She felt like her entire world had come crashing down. How could her father have done such a horrible thing to such a young and gentle woman. The man she had always held in such high esteem had hurt the woman she had called mother. She felt sick.
She brought her hands softly to Regina's face but the woman didn't move, intense brown eyes looked back at her, "Regina I'm so sorry," the tears streamed down her face and she tried to keep her cries silent as her body shook.
"It's not your fault dear," she shook her head slowly and kept her voice quiet knowing that if she made it any louder she would start to cry, "you were just a child."
"But I wasn't always just a child, I grew up," she breathed out an incredibly shaky breath at a tear that managed to escape from its dark brown watery cage and she wiped it away with her thumb, "I could have saved you," she whispered and her lips pushed firmly together and her brow creased with a painful sadness.
Her heart was crushed when Regina broke and started to cry, clapping a gloved hand over her mouth after a short choked gasp was heard and she closed her eyes as she quickly backed out of her hands with her other over her stomach. The tears were racing down her cheeks now despite her eyes being pushed closed and her body shook violently as her hacking sobs were muffled by her hand. Snow's breath was stolen and her heart stopped when Regina opened her eyes and looked at her with such tortured pain in those dark eyes that were once so warm and gentle. The things those eyes had seen.
Regina had never told anyone about what happened those nights and she had hoped Snow would never have to know. She was finding it hard to stay standing, her knees were giving out and she was bent forward slightly and her hand pushed on her stomach to try and curb the pain her hard cries were causing her. She had to close her eyes again, she could no longer look at the purely devastated face of Snow White. She didn't realize she was backing up until her back collided with a tree.
Snow watched helplessly as the strong and proud woman crumbled in front of her. She had never actually seen her cry. The closest she had come to seeing her cry was when she got back to Storybrooke and they fought outside the Rumplestiltskin's shop and then more recently at Granny's diner. Her own tears were streaming down her face as she watched her shake from the heart wrenching sobs still heard through the hand over her mouth.
Snow ran forward when Regina started to slide to the forest floor and caught her shoulders and stood her back up as she pulled her in to her. Her own voice was shaky because of the state of her mother and her own state prior, "I'm going to take you home with me," Regina didn't protest, she only continued to cry, "I am sorry for the pain my family has caused you."
...
The apartment was silent save for the steady sound of her knife cutting various vegetables on the wooden cutting board. She often glanced up at Regina but she hadn't moved since she had sat down on the stool at her island and she hadn't said anything at all since the forest except for the small 'thank you' she voiced when Snow handed her a mug of tea, given to her because she knew quite well that while Regina looked calm, she was kicking and screaming inside
"I killed Daniel."
The quiet voice caught her by surprise and she stopped cutting. After a moment she put the knife down and studied Regina as she stared in to her untouched mug, "no you didn't," she spoke quietly, "Cora did. After I broke my promise to you and told your secret," she desperately hoped that that was the incident she was referring to. She would easily be able to convince her otherwise if it was but if she was referring to the second time...she didn't want to think about that.
Regina shook her head slowly as a tear fell down her cheek and landed on the counter, "here. In the stables. I killed him."
Snow didn't say a word, she didn't have any words to say anyway. Instead she walked around the small island and sat on the tall stool next to Regina. She never once lifted her eyes from her tea and her hands remained limp on either side of the mug with her fingers slightly curled.
"He was lost and confused. I found him in the stables, he was hurting Henry and then he tried to kill me too..."
Snow was certain that Regina was not aware of how much her hands were shaking and she watched intently, giving Regina her full attention. She could already feel the tears burning in her eyes and it only made it worse when Regina kept her eyes unfocused and glazed and her voice flat and empty yet so full of pain.
"I told him I loved him and he came around but only for a few moments...then he went for my throat again," she was not entirely aware of the tears that rolled silently down her face. She closed her eyes as the permanent and vivid memory played behind her eyes and her voice cracked in to a sad whisper, "I didn't even have time to kiss him, I couldn't even say goodbye until after he was gone. Again."
Snow blinked back the tears that threatened to fall and tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she slowly brought her hands up and rested them on Regina's forearm. The instant her hands touched her arm Regina's eyes flashed open and stared at them as though she had never seen hands before but Snow didn't pull back. Instead she squeezed her arm and moved one of her thumbs over the white sleeve of her buttoned shirt and smiled sadly at her in hopes that it would give her some comfort. They sat like that in silence for a long while. Regina said nothing more, only returned her gaze to her mug.
"I am sorry for what I said at the diner," she spoke quietly and kept her eyes on her hands that remained on Regina's arm, "that was harsh and I was angry...I still am but...he loves you, Regina, and I am glad you have found love again," her voice remained quiet and she swallowed down her tears, managing to look back up to Regina's face. Her features were conflicted and her brow was furrowed softly as she kept her gaze fixed on the tea.
It was just a small whisper, "thank you."
Snow nodded once, small and quick as the tears burned in her eyes, "as for Henry...you have every right to him, you are his mother," she smiled and then gave a quick shrug, "I suppose I'm just a little jealous that he gets this side of you for his mother," she pushed her lips together in a small smile to try and keep the tears at bay but when Regina snapped her head up and looked at her with wide eyes and slightly parted lips, a tear rolled down.
She gave her arm a final squeeze and breathed out half a sad laugh as she brought a hand up to wipe the fallen tears away before stepping off the stool and walking around the island. Even with her back turned as she walked away she could feel Regina watching her.
A small frown formed on her mouth as she watched Snow walk back around to the other side of the island and pick up the knife again. She had tried in the beginning when Snow was young but she stopped when she kept getting hurt. Perhaps she could try again. It would be a trying task and she was certain it wasn't going to be easy but maybe this time she would be okay. She had let herself love again with James and let the hate for him slip away and he was still at her side and while he faltered from time to time he had always come back and his faith in her was growing steadfast. Perhaps she was being given another chance with Snow as well.
With that in mind her hands found her mug and began turning it slowly, "you are cutting your carrots too thick dear."
Snow paused her cutting and looked up at Regina to find her smiling at her. It was just a small smile, full of uncertainty but it made her smile in return nonetheless. Her smile was not much bigger than Regina's but it grew a little when she moved the knife over a fraction and Regina raised her eyebrows as she brought the mug up to her mouth.
"Thinner," she took a small sip and then put the mug down, "there you go," she smiled a little easier now and Snow breathed out a small quiet laugh and continued cutting.
