Cullen felt positively lazy after getting two nights in a row of more than five hours of sleep. It had been more months than he could recall since he'd been able to sleep for more than an hour at a time, and he now felt so rested he almost felt lethargic. Evelyn's careful ministrations to ease his pain seemed to last for several hours after she performed them, the pain at least dulled enough that he could focus more easily and rest more peacefully.

He lay in his bed, looking up through the hole in his ceiling as he remembered the night before. The pain had held at bay most of the day, but had come rushing back excruciatingly as he pored over the reports that pertained to Samson. It always seemed to get worse when he thought about his past, whether at Calenhad or Kirkwall. He had tried to persevere, determined to endure it and focus on what the report said, but it had gotten so intense he had decided to take a walk in the chilly night air. It was as if he wanted the cold night air to mimic the feeling of her icy touch on his temples, though he knew it would be a poor substitute. He hadn't expected to see Evelyn, though he had secretly hoped he would as he exited his office. He hadn't expected to melt under her smile and accept her help once he saw her, either. It had been a nice respite after the first time she used her magic, but he had tried to resolve himself to not ask for her help again. She wasn't going to be at Skyhold forever, and he needed to continue to deal with the pain on his own as he had for over a year.

She had so quickly understood his tone, so quickly offered her care that he couldn't refuse it. Cullen had felt overcome with the sensation of overwhelming relief tangling with his lustful memories of her lips on his until he couldn't fight the feeling. He hadn't meant to kiss her; he'd tried to resolve himself to resist that again as well. But she had been sitting so close, and he noticed her breath was shaky as it had been after he kissed her the first time. Like she had been thinking about it, too. He hadn't been able to resist the urge.

The scolding voice had returned the previous afternoon, chiding and shaming him for the bold way he had kissed her on the battlements. He felt positively blasphemous for the way he had held her, the way he had kissed her as though he would try to taste every inch of her. He thought back to the way she had moaned against him and the scolding voice tried to tell him how wrong it was, how he didn't deserve to hear her make that noise. He certainly wasn't worthy of hearing the whimper she had made when he confessed he'd felt her lips on him all day after he'd kissed her. He felt ashamed of himself for how much he enjoyed it, how much he'd wanted to hear it again, and how it made him feel like he didn't want to stop.

Cullen needed to focus himself. He needed to remember his vow. He was unworthy of being more than her support, the one to carry her through everything she faced as she in turn carried all of Thedas on her shoulders. He rubbed his eyes, trying to banish the images of her parted lips that his mind seemed intent to focus on. She had said she cared about him, but he was fearful of how quickly that would disappear if she knew the truth about who he had been, all of the things he had done. He couldn't bear to think about that and his head gave a slight twinge of pain. He sighed heavily and swung his legs off his bed, determined to throw himself into his work and forget about it.


It was midday when his door opened and he looked up to see her peek her head in, an intoxicating smile on her face. She looked around the office and when she saw he was alone she entered and walked toward his desk.

"Are you busy?" she asked, lightly fingering the wood at the edge of his desk.

He cleared his throat and looked around, trying to think of an excuse. He couldn't, and he found he didn't want to try to anymore. Not when he saw her smiling at him like that. "Not at present."

She giggled and began to walk around the desk to where he sat, but the door opened suddenly behind them. A scout poked his head in and immediately announced, "Commander, Sister Leliana was hoping she might have a word about the reports coming out of the Emerald Graves."

Cullen sighed. "Tell her I'll be there momentarily," he said as he stood. The scout closed the door and Evelyn immediately continued her approach. Just as she had nearly reached him, the door opened again and the scout poked his head back in.

"Oh, she also requested your report on Samson's -"

"Damn it, man, just come into the room and wait, I'll go with you," Cullen growled out. Evelyn gave him a playful pout as the scout stepped hesitantly into the office. Cullen leaned toward her carefully and whispered, "Wait for me, out to the right," as he began shuffling papers on his desk to hide his words from the scout. She gave a nod to excuse herself and departed out the right door to the battlements.

The Commander grabbed a report off his desk and gestured for the scout to precede him. As soon as he left out the middle of his office doors, he looked at the parchment in his hands and gave an exaggerated sigh. "I forgot a page. Go ahead, I'll catch up." The scout nodded and Cullen returned to his office, quickly exiting out the door Evelyn had left through. She was leaning over the ramparts, looking out at the mountains, but she looked up eagerly at his approach.

With a silent prayer of forgiveness to the Maker, he pulled her into the corner and kissed her. He captured her mouth impatiently, trying to assure her of how much he wished to stay with her instead of going to meet their spymaster. She swayed against him, her hand on his cheek, but he quickly broke the kiss before the scout came looking for him. He gave her a quick kiss, a promise of more later, before he backed away with a smile. He saw her sigh happily and then he quickly rushed away and cut back through his office to catch up with the scout before he got suspicious.