Jane
She had fallen asleep at Garrus's side, Thane's hand ultimately reaching over Garrus's abdomen to draw hers down and hold on.
She woke to the sounds of their sleep hums, her hand resting lightly in Thane's, her mind racing as it had been before sleep.
Outside this room was sleeting ice and poison rain, choking fog and impossible choices.
Inside this room they had a slim opportunity for a barrier, to protect all of them as Garrus held them in his wide embrace.
The acid and cold would wear through, circumstances would not grant them much time. Nobody outside this room had much time either, unless they had a deep cave with provisions.
They had managed to settle many people in Geth caverns, theoretically self sustaining. Whether or not they could last centuries until the Reapers retreated was yet to be seen. They would not be communicating, having sealed themselves off.
She was so fiercely proud of Garrus's heart, how deeply he felt the potential betrayal of those on the Citadel. She hoped he knew that he had crystallized for her the horror that had bled out of her over weeks, and that she knew how cruel it was, how cruel she was.
She had watched her hopes fall, dissolve, shatter. She had hoped that David, then EDI, then Thane…then Garrus…could provide her with some escape. There had been so many times before when they had delivered her through a passage she had not seen for herself. But time had attenuated into silence, into acceptance, into resurgent grief and burden and ultimate committed choice. She had run out of time to seek and now only had time to execute.
She had considered asking Garrus to warn people away from the Citadel, but Thane had done what he could from the inside. Based on her historical distaste for the Citadel, their forces were up and away from here other than a very few ships, a few missions that could not be done elsewhere. They would be withdrawing to no fanfare soon. She and Thane had given Garrus as much forewarning as possible, planned to grant him as much time as he needed to accept it.
They knew he would accept, knew that it would cost him in ways it did not cost them.
But it cost her to cost him.
The Turians that had come to the Citadel did not do it at Shepard's request, but at Palaven's command against Garrus's advice to avoid the Citadel. What Garrus had helped Turian refugees in general. She hadn't wanted to blindside him on that front so entirely, but she saw no way around it. There was no real way to mitigate the damage, and she would prefer that he was not forced to be complicit.
Thane had let her know that the people limping into the Citadel had nowhere else to go. To go through any other relay into another Council race system would raise the chance of immediate annihilation by Reaper forces on the other side to near 100%. Garrus had saved many, recruited the Dox and the disaffected. They were already far away, up in ship communities modeled after Quarian efficiency and Geth ingenuity supplied by ships with stealth technology or in caves, buried deep and hopefully forgotten and undetectable.
Those who remained knew the Citadel as home, lifestyle, refuge, literal and spiritual, and they would fight to stay.
Horror played out along Pon-Ifa lines of logic and inevitability.
The Citadel was likely preserved and not attacked because Reapers could do what they wished with the station. Javik had claimed that the Citadel had been taken by the time he had been born in his cycle, centuries into the invasion. It sat gathering potential protected harvest, people seeking its refuge, and then Reapers would move in and wipe it out, shattering communication, alliance and morale.
Refugees were streaming here, it was the sole port capable of repair and resupply not under direct attack.
She'd warned against the Citadel and then been forced through Pon-Ifa strategy to mute her voice, but her message was out there. Garrus knew it. Those that remained on the Citadel had not been afraid enough to act earlier, and she could not make them afraid now. Now they had to bear with their choices, as she bore with hers.
Once the Citadel was closed, once she was in, Thane had contingency plans for evacuation. They had the transport force to evacuate, to get civilians far away from the Citadel itself, just not through the relay. That had its own issues, and evacuation again could not be enforced, they could not be perceived as the invading force, even though they were. They could offer evacuation from several points on the Citadel, but could not travel door to door.
Kasumi, EDI and David would be the coordinating forces outside the Citadel herself, and Jane, Thane and Garrus would be the ground team.
Given Thane's vehemence and Garrus's assumptions, there was no way Jane could exclude Garrus. She could not justify to him that he needed to stay outside and coordinate. That would be wishful thinking on her part, that he would not be at ground zero so to speak…
But he would want to be at ground zero, at her side as always, and it had not occurred to him as it had to Thane to question that she would allow him that right.
Yes, she would love to knock them both over the head and get them far away…same as Thane would want to chain them to a wall, same as Garrus wanted to tear them apart for their cold calculation…but none of those things would happen.
Everything would have to happen parallel to her reaching the heart of the Catalyst, and she could not hesitate to execute, based on the high probability that Reapers maintained some unknown override on the relay or the Citadel herself.
They had done what they could to harden all lines of vulnerability. David would be on the Citadel in a custom interface, not reliant on a pod linked to EDI then linked to the Citadel. He and EDI had determined a location, and he would be staying behind with Reni, bunkered in, undetectable as the mastermind behind the hijack of the station. He would be tied directly into Keeper systems, EDI would have control over sentient systems, and when they returned with the Catalyst, David would execute uplink, the Normandy would dock, and Jane, Thane and Garrus would take their places.
In theory the Crucible and Catalyst when linked would have a barrier that would resist attack, but for only so long. So much depended on the Citadel's potential, which David could model only to a point, but he had grown in confidence that it was the right link up.
He was still not willing at all to project outcome.
That was why they had been so bleak in speaking to Garrus. All their contingency plans, evacuation attempts or mitigation would come to nothing if the Catalyst behaved as a focusing lens for what was a monster battery fueling a weapon.
They could all be expended like heat sinks within seconds of discovering the function of the Catalyst.
That thought punched through her carefully placed distance, tears springing to her eyes. She lost the pace of her quiet breathing, and Thane's hand moved in hers, the gentle contact of venom a comfort.
This time was for Garrus, not her, and a shard of shame lanced through her. Breathe. Keep it together. Let him sleep. She had no idea how long they'd been asleep or not been asleep without moving and she did not want to move.
She understood he'd had to walk out. She hadn't followed him. She'd waited, less than patiently, but with iron understanding.
It just…hurt like hell.
Intellectual truths and emotional reactions were different things and she was desperate to reassure herself with her body that he was here because he wanted to be, not because he had to be, that he wanted to touch her.
It wasn't…truly in question, intellectually, again she knew. She just ached, physically and emotionally with the strain it took to wake and be separate, to not feel that she could reach over and be welcomed. She felt an odd wary echo of the times she'd had to hold still, be silent, to not draw fire.
Her thigh twitched at the thought, flinched really, and another shard of shame spiraled through her. Thane's hand tightened again, his sleep hum ceased. She'd definitely caused him to wake, and her fingers tightened. Too hard.
Then Garrus's sleep sound stopped and everyone seemed to have suspended breathing. Garrus said slowly "Something on your mind there, Jane?"
She pressed her lips together. Everything's on my mind, Garrus.
Thane squeezed her fingers.
She said softly "I am not answering that question, it's a trap."
Garrus said drily "So you're just going to twitch and sigh? Wait. That sounds good."
She turned her face into his chest and said "Go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."
Garrus said with sympathy "You broke your strategy rule already, didn't you?"
She said, muffled "I didn't…talk about it."
Thane said drily "However, you just did."
She smiled, couldn't help it, and she said "I was provoked."
Garrus said "You really think I'm going back to sleep when you're about ready to break Thane's fingers? With your natural hand, no less."
Thane said quietly "I do not mind."
She lightened her grip and said "I'm sorry." She was. Sorry about everything. It invested her voice with broken emotion. She had learned not to say it, but right now seemed incapable of retaining learning. She was a wreck. So she said so "I am a wreck."
Garrus's arm pulled her tighter to him "We know, Kerim. Consider yourself in the company of mutual wrecks."
She muttered "Some of us could sleep, though."
Garrus disentangled himself from Thane and rolled on top of her carefully, and she was so grateful for his body weight and the avalanching reassurance that brought sliding through her. He looked down at her, deep blue and love in his eyes. He watched her, unmoving for a long time, then he drew a warm hand over her face, closing her eyes. He moved his mouth to her ear and said "Jane. Turn off your alarms."
His hands moved over her body, crowding out other thoughts, asserting permission and presence, his mouth on hers, enough venom in her blood to hear it as a command. She could set everything down and focus on him. He kissed her until Reverie spun the warmth and welcome she needed. His voice was rough in her ear "Please. Stay."
He kissed down her body, Thane's hands moving to her face, venom spread deep and wide with Thane's voice echoing "Stay until you sleep. Then sleep until you wake."
oOoOoOoOoOo
Jane quietly spoke to every member of the Normandy, not giving away mission specifics, but saying that the next step of their mission was crucial and potentially deadly. She had no place definitively safe to send anybody, but she offered Eurydice, another ship in their fleet, a spot in a cave…
Every single person chose to stay on board. Even Tim and Priya wanted to see it through.
She would have liked to make a trip to Hagalaz to allow Thane to say goodbye to Kolyat, to allow Liara to say goodbye to Vraen, but both Thane and Liara said it was impossible. They needed to move now.
Liara said "I'm willing to give my life, not everyone's life. If it the Crucible gets attacked because I need a hug…Jane…let's go. Now."
They did not communicate with Hagalaz, all craft radio silent, the only transmissions so highly encrypted that David had assured her that if the Reapers wanted to try to break that reactive encoding, he would happily waste their time.
So they moved now, every force on high alert, converging where the Crucible was waiting.
No more hesitation. There was not much time, and in reality nothing to do now but wait. They had run one simulation where they familiarized themselves with the labyrinth of Keeper tunnels David would open for them before she accepted that there was nothing to drill. EDI and David had run every simulation they could between them about getting to that point, but Jane, Garrus and Thane would be helpless and would follow only the path set. Keepers would not attack. Nobody else would be there.
They were helpless, suspended, most often speechless as well, each holding down their well of despair and trying to keep them from turning into fountains. They were themselves for each other, Garrus was warm and funny, Thane was austere and reassuring, Jane was confident and focused.
They didn't expect any damage to the convoy of ships, they didn't encounter any problems.
She and David had spent a month and a half planning, EDI and Thane had spent weeks…everything moved as it should as they glided inside the Normandy, girt in lighting and thunder and hope.
Everything depended on the ingenuity of those who came before them, those who designed the Crucible, who had not been able to survive but did pass on what they had learned.
There was some hope that Jane had provided for many communities to survive deep underground, with libraries of information and copies of what the Crucible was, what they thought the Catalyst was.
It had occurred to her that the plans for the Crucible were an enormous trap, and that she'd perpetuated it for the next cycle, but she included that theory in the information itself as a caution. She knew that just as she had done, when only one opportunity presented itself, there was in fact no choice. The device itself had not begun with the Protheans, but had been refined, cycle after cycle. Now she would finish this iteration and the buildup would be recorded, documented. The result would be relayed in a data burst, with some solid pieces of evidence, like the beacons, sown by Liara, to be found in case they failed.
oOoOoOoOoOo
There was an eerie calm between her, Garrus and Thane, each of them having had their moments of weakness and anxiety. They chose to stay buoyed by the knowledge that they would dive deep, and together.
She did love her simulated cathedral, but today she wanted a tarp and her hand to the real deck. Arrival at the Citadel was in 16 hours. She had some time to spend with the people she loved, and some time to appreciate her ship.
Jack had given her a half smile and a hug.
Javik had been remote and grave, inclining his head in acknowledgment of her plan, acceding to her request to remain on the Normandy to defend her in case it came to that, in case they were boarded.
Kasumi had been spending time with Keiji's Graybox, her shadowed eyes and smile less hopeful than vengeful.
She wished she could speak to Tali, to Legion…her far-flung family. Hopefully on the other side, whatever side, dead or alive, she would see them again.
David was not on board, but she had made sure that crew had access to pods and had a party for EDI. Thane had agreed to attend a non-combat simulation because it was for EDI. They had danced, and they were beautiful. To her surprise, Joker had also gotten very good at dancing in the simulation, with a free laugh, missing the hesitancy caused by pain, without a limp.
What she had more of than fear at the moment was pride in her crew, in her mate and wrist bound, and in herself.
Some level of unbearable anxiety had broken off, broken down for the moment, leaving space and time for appreciation. The calm of the eye of a storm passing overhead, clear sky and silence. In the shuttle bay where she'd gone before, she created another fort, crawled in, and lit a soft light from her Omni Tool, the eerie orange she associated with Omni Tool blades and mass effect field magic.
She admired her nails, Thane's repetition of deep red background, golden Drell symbol from the clan of Tuelon, thought to be dead, but still living on in truth, in blood and memory.
She rested her cheek on the deck.
She said softly "EDI?"
EDI answered "Yes, Jane?"
Jane said "I've prayed to the Normandy often in the past, but do you mind if I pray to you?"
EDI said quietly "I would be honored."
Jane said "I love you. I love every square inch of this ship. I think of you as the presence that sees everything, knows everything about Her, and who would that be if not a Goddess in her own right? Thank you for saving me, for bringing me along with you, for the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart."
EDI answered "You are welcome, Jane. You are loved."
Jane spread her fingertips over the deck again, rose and went to make some of her final choices regarding who she would be in her potentially last hours.
She went to her cabin. She'd rather that they found her here than on the deck in her fort. Garrus would never fit. He would understand…just never fit. Here's the space where they all belonged, where each part of the room was layered with their presences and actions, words and moans echoed.
There was no longer a Pon-Ifa set in the middle of play. After her burst of playing while recuperating, she had no time for the couched allegory of organized strategy. Now she needed to make real moves. It wasn't that she was unwilling to lose, it was that she was unwilling to leave a game unfinished.
She no longer had time to watch Thane's contemplative form from across a board. Her time was spent instead touching him and not Pon-Ifa pieces.
They had all had occasions and dramatic gestures, dances, ceremonies, Tseni and sacred space, but she could not think of a thing she wanted to tell them that she had not told them, shown them. It was as though she had burned every last stick of fuel for the brightly burning bonfire of possible farewell, and when she reached her hand to where the pile of ambitions had always been, she found them all used.
She needn't create a simulated Kerim. The only one that mattered was the one in his heart that he created from her eyes. A keepsake seemed insulting, ignoring the very real and insisted-upon intent that they either all lived and kept each other, or they all died together. They all still had braided light on their wrists, a miracle she would let stand. All her words had been exhausted. There was no ceremony or dance that could surpass what had already taken place.
It wasn't despairing. It was beautiful in its own way. She had nothing left, needed nothing more, was loved as she was.
What remained was simplicity and comfort in what they had. She had saved a jar of peaches in rosemary and honey for Thane, had some Turian delicacy for Garrus called tifit, a finely textured stacked wafer-looking thing that was apparently crunchy and salty and all around Turian goodness. It made Garrus happy and he made happy sounds eating it and that's what mattered.
She hadn't had much alcohol lately. She used to drink a great deal more, but now had better options to get to sleep. She dragged out a dusty bottle of vodka, hyper-chilled it and sipped at the cold bite.
She sat, thinking, feet on the deck, counting through the numbers, taking faith and hope not as burdens but as potentials, until Garrus arrived with Thane. They all seemed to have had the same idea. Thane brought diced and dressed fruit to share. Garrus brought a bottle of Drell wine, vowing to get Thane drunk.
Little bits of delicacies were pulled out of cupboards and pockets. Human chocolate for her, Turian alcohol, more fruit for Thane. She was pulled happily into Garrus's lap, Thane fed her fruit from his fingertips and Garrus poured Thane a glass of something swirling with green. Thane looked at it dubiously, but then raised a brow and sighed when Garrus raised his own glass, something a rich brown, scent reminiscent of soy sauce.
Turians really liked salty.
Garrus eyed the glass until Thane raised it and then said "To all the times we thought we were permanently fucked but we were only MOSTLY…fucked."
Jane started to laugh, looked expectantly at Thane over the rim of her glass. Thane looked witheringly once at Garrus, and then took a sip.
She made a face of disbelief and whispered to Garrus "You did it."
Garrus sounded smug "Damned right I did it. We do impossible things here."
Thane said drily "I have had alcohol before."
Garrus sighed "Dammit."
Thane shrugged and took another sip "This is excellent, thank you. You could have asked."
Garrus said accusingly "I don't want to HEAR about you being drunk, I want to see it. So what happens?"
Thane tilted his head, took another sip and said "I become more amorous than usual."
Garrus deadpanned "Okay, but she has to survive the night."
She grinned, thinking 'more amorous' was impossible, but entertaining. Of course he'd had alcohol. Meetings and dinners with clients and marks, where he must appear suavely Drell, must have included alcohol.
Thane raised a brow ridge, took another sip, looked Jane up and down, gave Garrus the same once over and said "You should have thought of that before insisting I drink alcohol."
Jane shrugged, fed a slice of peach to Thane with her fingertips "I've already filed paperwork saying that's how I want to go." Her toes curled as he closed his eyes and sucked the honey off her fingers. When he didn't let go, Garrus pulled her back against his chest and said "Finish your drink" to Thane dismissively.
Thane smirked, drained the glass, reached for Jane's feet. After removing her shoes he dug knuckles into the sensitive arch of one foot, the massage making her lean back against Garrus with a moan. Garrus set down his own glass and hers, combed his talons through her short hair, her back arching from that. Thane dragged a double nail down the curve of the arch of her foot, making her try to pull it back, but he held it tight.
Garrus was interested "That's a new sound."
She huffed "That was a shriek."
Garrus tilted his head and said "Yeah, but a new shriek." He looked at Thane "Do that again."
She protested "No, do NOT…"
Instead of nails, Thane sucked her big toe into his mouth. She rose off Garrus's lap with a choked whimper-moan, but Garrus pulled her back down, staring at Thane. He said, deeply offended "FEET? These noises come from feet? How do I not know this? NOW I find this out?"
Thane set his teeth to the curves of her feet, dragging them along. He paused while she was writhing, little whimpers and shrieks and said informatively "No reason why it should have occurred to you, your feet are not at all sensitive. And your teeth…" He paused regretfully, then applied his teeth back on her toes.
Garrus sighed and said "Someone…could have told me. Yeah, maybe not teeth, but tongue and talons…"
Thane said helpfully "You must be careful not to tickle."
Garrus sounded intrigued "Why?"
Thane gripped her ankle and said "Because she will kick, and she is fast." To illustrate, Thane dragged tickling fingertips along her arch and she let out another indignant shriek, helpless laughter and then glaring. Then he said informatively "And she does not like it."
Garrus covered her mouth and said to her "Quiet. I'm learning things."
She bit him, he barely noticed other than to say absently "Later. Don't distract me."
Thane sat up helpfully and said "Would you like to try?"
Garrus said "Hell yeah." Garrus picked her up, tossed her up and around and put her in Thane's waiting arms. Thane sat down with her on his lap, perfectly content with this development. Garrus shredded off her pants on one side below the knee, dragging his talons down her calf until she held her ankle in a strong grip, drew his tongue over the arch of her foot and wrapped it around her toe to another strangled whimper. Thane watched over her shoulder with an arm around her waist, his other hand on her shoulder, pushing back the fabric there to expose skin and bite down lightly.
Garrus decided if one foot was good, two was better, so her other shoe was gone fast, pants entirely shredded off, along with Thane's help lifting her and removing them. With her thighs pressed together and Thane's cock hard against her ass under leather, Garrus moved his mouth over her feet. Thane's teeth were on her neck, he slid his fused finger into her mouth until it was wet, until she had tasted enough venom to be pitched to the upswing of crazy-hungry. He withdrew his finger and glided it along the joined crease of her thighs, wetting the fabric of underwear and pressing it in to conform to curves and folds.
Thane reached for the bottle of Drell liquor, filled a glass and took a deep drink, tilted her head back against him and kissed her, venom and the sweet spiced burn of the alcohol against her tongue. With Garrus discovering the effects of tongue, talons and teeth on her feet, Thane's mouth on hers, she was in an uproar of hunger and involuntary moan, her legs extended too far and braced too solidly to attempt to draw back or kick. The alcohol was viciously strong, a distinct overlay on top of the vodka and venom, likely with its own component that was either venom itself or something that enhanced it, hallucination virulent. Not just visual hallucination, but the sense of physical contact having aftershocks and ripples, echoes and aura. Her shirt was up and over her head, tossed aside. Thane moved his patient hands to her breasts, taking time and sips of strong alcohol between kissing her until she was entirely under tiremit, sweet-drunk under his mouth and hands.
"More amorous than usual" applied to all three, in their fashion, Thane's exquisite control of his body and voice, trilling soft encouragement and pleasure into her skin with his practiced blend of Drell patience that came when one of your partners did not orgasm, when there was all night and the end of the worlds in the morning.
Garrus explored her body with his tongue and teeth, tickling and squeals abandoned for deeper moans and tighter writhing. She was reminded of Tali saying she'd compared sex to killing people, and here that comparison sank in like venom, like teeth and Reverie and fingernails. Aware of moving, armed and armored, together, individually battered and exhausted, but rallied by each other, defending each other, watching over each other.
They did not entirely overwhelm her, just enough, exactly enough for her to allow no more room for other thoughts, but not restrained or paralyzed. She reached out, touched and was touched, all pretending to not be injured, adrenaline and practice.
Garrus counted moans like he would kills in the field, Thane gathered memories with lavish set pieces and meaning, Jane reached out to give back everything she'd been given, hoping to give back more than she'd taken.
oOoOoOoOoOo
When it was time to go they had lingered as long as they could with whispers and hands, each embracing according to their natures. Garrus rested his crest on her forehead for a long moment, words impossible through tense and cracked throats, her fingers behind his fringe.
Thane embraced her with his hands spanning her hips, her hand up to rest along his frill.
Garrus enveloped them in wide arms, pressed the last breath they'd take together before the mission out of and then into their bodies again, and then they broke apart to the tasks of preparing for the push into the Citadel.
They traveled together to the start point, back in a Keeper alcove in a little known ward as close to the base of the arms as they could get.
She looked at her men with a half smile, each with a nod as she told David and EDI to go. On this mark the Citadel arms would begin to close, the Crucible would move in with the fleet, and they would see none of that as they began the long walk through navigated Keeper tunnels in the relative dark.
They waited, moved, waited, moved when given new direction. EDI and David claimed all went well. The fleet was through the relay without incident. The Crucible moved in, ejected its protective armature and docked.
David informed her that the arms would remain open, and there was no way to shut them down while the Crucible was docked. All further control would take place from inside, if at all.
She spared a closed-eyed moment of thanks, to whom she didn't really know. To her intuition, to her team, to the fact…that she hated this place and always had.
David shut down both the internal and system-wide mass effect relays.
David led them to a console, which lifted them into a hallway, then to circular room. David activated the console, allowing her, Garrus and Thane to rise up into a wide bay.
They stepped into the huge area, featuring three distinct pathways.
And absolutely…nothing…happened.
They explored the chilled and polished machinery, able to get no inkling at all to the function. There were no functions, no sound, no guide.
She said "David, give me options here."
David replied "I do not know, Commander Shepard. Perhaps the command to enter was incorrect, I can attempt different combinations."
They went back down the lift, back up and this time, with Shepard moving forward herself, alone, she heard one devastating declaration.
"Indoctrinated Presence Detected"
