A/N: Survivor guilt and its consequences, like suicidal thoughts, are the theme of this entire chapter. If you think this subject might be upsetting or triggery to you, please proceed with caution.

Thank you to Suilven, my awesome beta, and to you all for reading and for the lovely reviews you left me last chapter.


Chapter 50 - Survivor Guilt

July 30th, 2183

Kaidan was packing up another apartment. His own, this time, on Arcturus. Captain Anderson had intervened and saved his skin. He had talked to Captain Holtz to whom Kaidan had failed to report to two weeks ago. Anderson had said he had requested Kaidan's assistance with an N assignment gone wrong and it had held him up longer than expected.

"I can't tell you any more. It's all top secret. N7 business — you know how it is," Anderson had said, and Captain Holtz had believed him or just hadn't cared enough to press it any further.

Anderson had then requested for Kaidan to be transferred to serve under him on the Citadel. Udina had won the election and had taken humanity's seat on the Council, and Anderson was working as his advisor and Systems Alliance liaison.

Moving to the Citadel, to an apartment free of memories of Shepard in every corner, might be just what Kaidan needed to get back on his feet. He was actually feeling a little bit excited about this transfer, which was a welcome change from the misery of his first month and a half without Shepard and the numbness that he had fallen into in the subsequent weeks.


"We break atmo in five, sir. Perhaps you'd like to strap in," one of his marines said.

Right now Kaidan didn't care if he got himself hurt, but he didn't want to risk hurting anyone else, so he took his seat and fastened the harness.

The landing was not the smoothest. The terrible weather on Alchera had certainly made things more difficult. Kaidan tried to focus. Shepard was dead. Pressly was dead. He was in charge.

"Sir, we lost the readings from the perimeter. The pod sensors must have been damaged in the landing."

Kaidan took a deep breath. He knew what he had to do; he just needed to compartmentalize his pain and he would be ready to deal with all of their immediate problems. Easier said than done. He had just gone through the most traumatic experience of his entire life and he couldn't even take a moment for himself. "Fredricks, see if you can establish communications with the other pods. Tell them to pass on their coordinates, name and rank of all survivors, damage report on the escape pods, and to deploy their distress beacons. I'll go outside to try to fix our sensors."

"Alone, sir?"

"I don't see anyone else here wearing an enviro-suit, Fredricks. Do you?"

"No, sir."

"You all stay inside. That's an order."


August 4th, 2183

"Alenko, good to see you here. I wasn't sure if you'd show."

"I made a mistake, sir. It won't happen again."

"It better not. I don't think I could get you out of it a second time."

"Couldn't or wouldn't, sir?"

"Both," Anderson said sternly.

"I appreciate your honesty, sir."

"This… everything that's happened," the captain let out a heavy sigh, "it's been hard on me, too, Alenko. That was why I helped you and had you transferred here. I think that working together will be good for us. She would've liked that."

Anderson lowered his eyes and Kaidan noticed a framed picture of Shepard on his desk. She was wearing an N dress uniform and had a proud smile on her face. He tried to think of something else to say, to keep his mind from dwelling on memories of her.

"What about the others, sir?" Tali and Wrex had left the Normandy and gone back to their people right after the Battle of the Citadel, but everyone else that had stayed and survived the crash, Kaidan didn't know what had happened to them.

"T'Soni and Vakarian dropped off the radar; I have no idea where they might be. Chakwas, Adams, and the other survivors are being reassigned one by one, according to the results of their psychiatric evals. Now, Joker… Joker is being difficult, rebellious. The psychiatrist doesn't want him back out there. Not until he attends a few more months of therapy at least."

Being kept from flying — that was probably Joker's worst nightmare and it had come true. Kaidan thought about reaching out to him, but what was he going to say? He was barely holding it together himself; how could he be of any help to anyone else?

"So, are you ready to begin?" Anderson asked him.

"Yes, sir."

"Good. We're putting together Councilor Udina's security detail. I need you to interview and background check all the candidates, then forward me a list with your top picks for the position. We have four spots to fill. Udina demands that they're all human."

"I'll get on it, sir."

"Udina's personal assistant is waiting for you outside. She'll give you the candidates' resumés."


Kaidan found himself in the middle of a snowstorm as he walked out of the pod. The cold hazard was reaching levels higher than his suit could handle and, according to the information on his HUD, he had approximately twenty minutes of safe exposure to that environment.

It took him fourteen minutes to fix the pod sensors.

For the next six minutes, he walked. He didn't want to go anywhere; just put some distance between himself and the pod. His service boots were sinking in the deep, fluffy snow which made his progress slow and strenuous.

His HUD showed that his time was up. The efficiency of the environmental control and life support systems on his suit dropped to 99%. He sat down.

Fredricks contacted him with an update on their situation; comms were online, sensors indicated there were no hostiles in the area, the distress beacon was deployed, the Alliance had already made contact, all escape pods were accounted for, and they had a list of the survivors. 95%. The crew was going to be okay. Kaidan had done his job. 94%. They did not need him anymore and he turned off his radio. 93%. It was just a matter of time now.


"Commander Alenko, it's a pleasure to meet you. Ludmila Llosa," Udina's assistant introduced herself and they shook hands. "I put all the resumés in one datapad to make it easier for you. Here."

Kaidan took it, but his eyes stayed on the woman. She was tall and muscular, probably in her early thirties, and the way she carried herself...

"Anything wrong, commander?" she asked him.

"Were you in the military?"

"C-Sec."

"And, did you quit or ...?"

"I was already interviewed for this job, commander."

"I'm sorry, it's just that –"

"I don't fit the profile for a typical personal assistant?"

"No. I mean..." Why would anyone want to quit a job at C-Sec — or any other job, really — to becomes Udina's personal assistant? "Never mind."

"Councilor Udina is paranoid about his own security. Everyone working for him has either a police or military background."

"I see."

"If you want to know the whole story, buy me a beer one day and I might tell you."

He was not ready to go out, socialize, and have fun yet, but he also didn't feel like getting into his personal issues with this woman. "Yeah. One day. Sure," he said, just to end the subject, and he hoped nothing would actually come out of it.


The cold had began to seep into his suit, its efficiency below 50% now.

"Kaidan!"

He saw Liara and Garrus approaching and couldn't believe they had found him so fast in this weather.

"Kaidan, thank the Goddess we found you! Where's Shepard?"

"Fredericks said she didn't make it and that they had lost contact with you," Garrus said, lowering himself by the lieutenant's side. "Are you hurt?"

Liara ran a quick scan on him with her tool. "What are you doing out here? Your environmental control systems are failing. We need to get you back inside a pod."

"I'm staying here. You can go ahead," Kaidan replied. 42%.

"Oh, no. It's true then. She didn't make it," Liara said, her voice breaking already at the end.

"Spirits," Garrus muttered under his breath.

The asari fell on her knees, putting her arms around the marine. "I'm so sorry."

"Me, too." 41%.

"We can't stay here. We have to go." Garrus helped Liara to her feet and put his arm around Kaidan's shoulders, dragging him up. "I'm sorry, Kaidan, but I can't let you die out here. I owe Shepard more than that. We all do."

40%.


October 17th, 2183

"What about that beer, Alenko?" Ludmila asked as he was getting ready to leave after his shift.

They had been working together for a couple of months now, but since that talk about them going out for a beer had never been mentioned again, he was hoping she had forgotten about it.

"Oh, my God!" There was another woman with Ludmila and she was looking at him in awe." You're Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko from the Normandy! You helped save the Citadel from the Geth!"

Kaidan considered telling her that the Reapers had been the real threat the Citadel had been saved from, but he stopped himself before he could do it. The Alliance was already echoing the Council denials that the Reapers even existed and right now he couldn't afford to go against them. He was still benched, sitting behind a desk instead of out in the field, and having to undergo monthly psychiatric evaluations. One step out of the line at this point could mean the end of his career.

The woman shot Ludmila an indignant glare. "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were working with one of the Normandy's crewmembers. We're the ones who are supposed to be buying him beers, not the other way around!" She turned to Kaidan. "Can I get a picture? Better yet, would you like to join us for dinner?"

"This is exactly why I didn't tell you," Udina's assistant hissed at her. Then, with a slightly embarrassed smile, she spoke to Kaidan. "Commander Alenko, this is my wife Denise."

"Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you," he said.

"The pleasure is all mine. Did Ludmila tell you we have a Normandy model ship in our living room? We got it the day it came out."

Flustered, Ludmila looked down and away from him.

"We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you," Denise continued. "We both worked at C-Sec at the time. I still do — customs officer — but Ludmila quit after… ah… She was on patrol at the Citadel Tower. Not many people made it out of there alive. C-Sec lost lots of good officers that day."

"He doesn't want to know about that, Denise. Commander Shepard and the Normandy were saving the entire station. What do C-Sec and a few casualties matter?"

"C-Sec does important work. I'm sorry that you lost so many people," Kaidan said. "I wish we had arrived here sooner."

"Thank you," she replied with a small smile.

Denise squeezed her wife's hand before turning back to him. "Why don't you come to dinner with us? Please, we'd love for you to come."

Ludmila nodded in agreement and Kaidan decided to accept their invitation. He had been living on the Citadel for a couple of months now; it was time he started making friends and going out again.


"We need to move. How's your suit holding up?"

37%. "It's holding."

"Joker won't answer his comm. Dr. Chakwas asked us to check on him. She would've come, but she's not wearing an enviro-suit."

Garrus was the only one talking. Kaidan couldn't see Liara's face under her helmet, but he could hear her sobs.

36%. "Fredericks said all pods were accounted for."

"Yes. Joker checked in, but then he stopped answering. Dr. Chakwas believes he might be injured."

Shepard had given her life to save the helmsman. There was no way Kaidan was going to let him die now. "Let's go. I'll help you find him."

35%.


October 26th, 2183

Anderson was calling his tool. Kaidan wished it were anyone else, so he could just ignore it.

"Alenko, where are you?"

"At home, sir. It's my day off."

"How about we go for a drink?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't. Not today." Shepard would have turned thirty today and Kaidan couldn't stop thinking about all the things they could be doing, moments that she wouldn't get to live, experiences that she would never get to have. It was so damn unfair.

"I know you're busy being miserable by yourself, Alenko, but I'm afraid I must insist."

"Sir, with all due respect, this is not a good time for me."

"That's why I insist. I didn't want to, but I'll make it an order if I have to."

Feeling backed into a corner, Kaidan sighed in resignation and agreed with a nod.


The cold was verging on the unbearable. It was getting hard to breathe and each step was feeling like too much of an effort.

"That's his pod at two o'clock. It's only fifty more meters, Kaidan. Come on," Garrus said, probably noticing the lieutenant was struggling.

13%.

"He's not going to make it," Liara said after running another diagnostic on him.

Kaidan felt her dark energy engulfing him. It was heavy and oppressive to the point that he couldn't feel his own at all. And, then, he was flying and being dropped right in front of Joker's escape pod. Moments later, Garrus was being dropped beside him and he immediately started hacking the pod's hatch to get it open.

10%. Kaidan couldn't will himself to move. He didn't have the energy. His eyes wanted to shut. His muscles wanted to relax. His brain wanted to fall asleep.

The hatch slid open and Garrus dragged the lieutenant inside with him. In the climatized environment of the pod, the numbers on his HUD began to rise. Kaidan didn't care what those numbers stood for; what he was reading from them was that he had survived Shepard. The woman he loved had met an early death and he had survived her. It was like a nightmare coming true.


"I know loss, son," Anderson said, his tone softer and a lot friendlier than usual now that they had had a few drinks. "I know Shepard wasn't just your CO. The thing with losing someone you love is that there will always be days like this, when you can't seem to think about anything else. And I won't ask you to. We can talk about her all day if you want. I just want to help you keep it positive. You'd rather be back in the field, I know that, and your last psychiatric eval showed you're making progress, but days like this can send you back to square one if you're not careful."

So, besides his failure to report for duty after his trip to Rio, besides him leaving his CO to die on the Normandy, Anderson had also known he had been breaking fraternization regs. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you doing all this for me? Did she ask you to?"

"She cared about you and she did tell me she wanted you to be her successor should anything happen to her. But I didn't need her to tell me how good of a soldier you were. I always do my research before I choose my officers, and I chose you to be the head of my marine detail on the Normandy because you were the best man for the job."

There was a long silence between them. Anderson ordered a refill while Kaidan just stared down at his glass.

"You got lost after her death. It happens," Anderson continued. "You'd known each other for years. Your family took her in. Even if you two weren't together, I imagine this still would've been hard for you. Everyone deserves a second chance, but I wanted to make sure you had time to grieve and heal, so you wouldn't screw up yours. I know this is not the job you wanted. I didn't want this position here, either. What soldier in their right mind would prefer to sit behind a desk humoring politicians all day instead of being in the field where it matters? But rest assured that I'll have you back out there with your own team as soon as the psychiatrist clears you."

"I... I don't know what to say, sir. I don't think I deserve what you're doing for me."

"I've been reading your evals; you feel guilty. I could say that what happened to her was not your fault, but I don't think that will be of much help. You have to realize that yourself, Alenko. The thing is, she was right to want you as her successor. Everyone may be denying it now, but you and I both know that what attacked the Citadel was a Reaper and, when the time is right, you'll have to carry on with Shepard's mission and find a way to stop their invasion."

"Me?" Kaidan let out a mirthless laugh and shook his head. "I'm not half the soldier Shepard was."

"Well, she thought you were at least as good as her. She wouldn't trust you to captain the Normandy otherwise. And, I agree. You could be the next human Spectre, Alenko. You have it in you. You just have to believe it, too."


Kaidan took a seat in the pod across from Joker. Garrus waited for Liara to come inside and then sealed the hatch closed.

The helmsman's head was hanging between his shoulders and he didn't look up or acknowledge their presence in any way.

"Joker, are you all right?" Garrus asked.

"Yeah, I'm great. Just leave me, okay?"

Liara took off her helmet, wiping the tears from her eyes and recomposing herself before approaching the pilot. "His arm, it looks broken."

"I said leave me."

"Doctor Chakwas is worried about you," Garrus said.

"Me? What about Shepard? Aren't you gonna ask about her?" Joker raised his voice, his tone angry and sarcastic, but he still wasn't making any eye contact.

"We know what happened to her," the turian replied, sparing a glance at Kaidan.

"Great." Joker looked at the sentinel, too. "So I imagine you're here to punch me or something? Go ahead. Just get it over with."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Joker. It was not your fault," Kaidan said. "It was mine. She told me to go and I did. I left her there to die."

Joker scoffed. "She only stayed for me; to get me out. I killed her."

"Enough," Liara cut them off. Kaidan had never heard her speak this loudly before. "Shepard sacrificed herself so you could be safe," she told both the helmsman and the sentinel. "She was a true hero. This is about her; it's not about you. She saved us all several times. That was what she did. Stop fighting and act like adults. You," she turned to Kaidan, "she loved and protected you and you went out there to die? And you," she spoke, now specifically to Joker, "you turned off the radio, refused medical attention. How is rescue supposed to find you? Do you understand that if you die here, then she died for nothing? She gave us the rest of our lives and we all better do something with them."


December 31st, 2183. Ambleside Beach, Vancouver

Kaidan didn't know why he had come here today. He must be a masochist or something.

"That's why you're back here. Because you're over me. You've moved on."

"I… haven't. That's why I'm back here."

For a moment, he had wondered if he had heard her right. Her words had been too good to be true.

"One more tour. That's all I'm asking. And then we'll be together, if you still want me. We'll make it work. I promise I won't give up on us again. They have housing facilities at the Villa for all N7s. I have my own place there. It's small, but probably bigger than your apartment in the officers' quarters on Arcturus. We could..."

"Wait, do you want to...?"

"Or, we could stay at your apartment. If I'm still stationed on a ship after this tour, living on Arcturus would be more convenient than on Earth."

"You want to move in together."

He still remembered his joy and relief to hear that. What was one more tour for someone who had been waiting for her for years already? He had been so fucking happy that they were finally on the same page. It was all that had mattered.

But, it turned out that one more tour was all she would get and, now, one year later, he had been left with nothing. He had thought they would have the rest of their lives to be together. He had thought he would get to live years, decades by her side.

Nothing.

He was making something out of his life, like Liara had said he should. He was carrying on, like Anderson believed he could. He was living a comfortable life. He was in no way happy.