Hinata eventually separated from Komaeda, pulling away slowly. He had expected to feel heavy or regretful after the kiss, but instead he felt light, like he was floating. Komaeda had probably just gone along with it, to try and help him or maybe just afraid to refuse, but right now, Hinata didn't find himself thinking about any of that. Komaeda was looking up at him, his eyes wide open, making his confusion apparent. The only word Hinata could find to describe the way he looked was goofy, and he couldn't stop himself from snorting.
This seemed to snap Komaeda out of his confusion, to some kind of worried look.
"Hinata-kun…?"
"Sorry," Hinata said as he got up from top of Komaeda, sitting next to him instead. Komaeda sat up almost immediately after Hinata moved. "I… just kind of needed support," Hinata explained flimsily. There was a small thought in the back of his mind, telling him that he should probably feel guilty for lying just to hide his own ulterior motives, but he just drowned it all out.
"No, it's okay," Komaeda said quickly and Hinata looked at him. "If I can be of use to you, you can do anything to me." Hinata immediately squinted his eyes at Komaeda.
"I'm not going to do that," he said and turned to look at the sea. "... Well, let's just say this was a payback for that time." Since that was the sole reason why Hinata could drown out the weight of guilt and instead still keep his floating for a little while longer. Komaeda laughed awkwardly, his face looking like he was more sorry than actually humored. Hinata bit his lower lip.
They sat in silence for a moment, and Hinata was pretty sure what Komaeda was thinking about. The kiss had distracted the both of them for a moment, but now that they had brushed that aside, Hinata once again felt his hands tremble at the thought of what had just happened. His mind kept relatively calm however since the feeling of safety didn't pass anywhere since Komaeda was here and no one else was.
But there were great many questions Hinata was sure were spinning around in Komaeda's head after that encounter. All sorts of things had been revealed and Hinata… Hinata wasn't sure how he was supposed to approach them. It would be so much easier if Komaeda were to just ask but he was most likely trying to give him space. Usually that was what Hinata appreciated about Komaeda, but right now it would be so much easier to explain if the other asked.
He tried to figure out something to say, some way to start explaining what happened. But he didn't know where to begin; in fact, he wasn't even sure what he wanted to explain and what he wanted to still keep a secret. This situation had come too suddenly, he had no idea what information he felt like he could trust Komaeda with, and even more importantly what he wanted the other to know and think of him.
His mouth had gone dry as he thought and tried to figure out some place to begin…
"I'm," he started, his voice sounding hoarse. "I'm not actually 23 years old. I'm not even 22 just yet, although my birthday will be soon. They just chose that birthdate and year for the new identity..." he explained hastily, after having finally found some topic to start with. He could see Komaeda glancing at him but he kept his eyes fixed to the sea.
"Your birthday is soon? Is it early enough that we get to celebrate it?" Komaeda asked, perfectly accommodating the conversation Hinata had started. It made Hinata feel a bit relieved but also frustrated. He didn't really need to be catered to this much.
"The first of January…," Hinata said softly, raising his legs slightly to hug them and place his chin on his knee. What a convenient date for the end of the world, huh… But that date was exactly why he had gotten involved with her. Hinata looked at Komaeda from the corner of his eyes, to see the other smiling.
"Okay, so we should be able to celebrate it!" Komaeda said cheerily, like he was trying to change the mood. Still no proper questions, no prompts for Hinata to continue on.
"And… and my name is Hinata Hajime," he said firmly. Komaeda tilted his head in confusion. "I mean, I know it's the name in my current identification but it's also my original name. That's why I chose it, because I wanted it back..."
"So should I keep calling you Hinata-kun still?" Komaeda asked a bit hesitantly, and Hinata nodded. Komaeda had probably been confused about that too, after hearing… that name.
"Please do. And about Ka…," Hinata started to say but immediately choked on his words as he tried to say that name. His whole body immediately went stiff as he tried to fumble the name out, stopping him from saying anything at all. Komaeda seemed to notice this, and he placed his hand on Hinata's shoulder.
"There's no need to force yourself, Hinata-kun. I'm not demanding an explanation," Komaeda said, smiling softly. "Should we head back to the hotel now?"
"I, I suppose," Hinata managed to answer. He bit his lip as he stood up, and Komaeda followed his example. Hinata looked at Komaeda for a moment, without caring about the fact that Komaeda was visibly getting nervous by his stare. Perhaps he still didn't feel safe enough with Komaeda if he couldn't even utter that name aloud.
But he kind of felt like the fear wasn't as much as what Komaeda would do with the information, but how it would affect the other… He really couldn't predict Komaeda at all, so it made him nervous to think what the other would think if he found out the truth about his past. As he thought of the possibility of Komaeda leaving after he heard the truth about his past, Hinata felt his whole body turn cold.
He didn't want that.
"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda asked shyly, staring at his own feet. Hinata snapped out of his thoughts and turned towards the sea, taking out the two marbles from his pocket and looking at them. This was the first time he had looked at them together after he had bought them. He kept them carefully separate from each other on his hand, to avoid them knocking against each other.
He hadn't really thought about anything back then, he couldn't even remember why he had chosen the night sky for Komaeda's marble in the first place. But it felt fitting now, since there was some mystical beauty yet the feeling of ease about the both of them, the night sky and Komaeda.
Meanwhile his own marble… he had bought it as a memento of his old name, but now he had retrieved that name. But there was some other feeling now about the marble, as he looked at the both of them side by side. The sun and the night sky…
He glanced at Komaeda to see him staring intently at the marbles as well, seemingly in thought. Komaeda had constantly refused to hold his own, saying it would surely break with his luck. Hinata hadn't fully understood why Komaeda would care about some piece of glass breaking back then, but right now he felt like he might be starting to understand that fear. He absolutely didn't want to lose either of them, so perhaps it was better for him to keep them safe.
He smiled softly at Komaeda as he closed his hand in a fist around the marbles.
"Let's head back?"
Hinata let out a sigh as he finally settled under the blanket in his bed. It was so much more comfortable than the car had been. He rolled to lie on his stomach and rubbed his face against the pillow for a moment, enjoying the softness. He stopped only when he heard Komaeda chuckling, and he turned to lie on his side.
"It will be nice to sleep in a bed again," Komaeda said amiably, and Hinata nodded. Komaeda had just came out of the bathroom, and was about to turn the lights off. Hinata took the last seconds to stare at the other until the lights were off and darkness fell into the room. Hinata listened to Komaeda walk to his own bed, his footsteps light.
Eventually, he hadn't said anything the whole evening about… what happened today. Komaeda had talked about a lot of things, telling him about some sights he had seen in the past and books he had read, everything else but anything that had happened today. Once again, Hinata had enjoyed that comfort of being able to avoid everything to do with his past, but he could feel frustration building up inside of him.
In the end, he had dragged Komaeda all the way to here without ever explaining anything. And Komaeda wouldn't even ask, just for his sake. This kind of pampering had been really comforting and he had enjoyed all the space he had gotten, but at this point it was starting to feel more like distance than space. He had enjoyed hearing more about Komaeda's previous life exactly because it had made him feel closer to the other.
He just wanted to be closer and closer to Komaeda… He touched his lips absentmindedly. Komaeda hadn't said anything about that either, of course. Everything had been brushed aside. Starting from when that police had caught them…
Hinata felt chills run down his spine as he thought about the situation. He had been so scared the officer would figure out he was still the same person. Using the same name as he had had before, of course it was stupidly risky. He was just lucky the officer hadn't apparently received any information about his life past that name at least. There were very few people who knew about that name anymore besides the institute, and none of those were people he'd actually like to meet ever again.
Everyone else… were gone or had probably forgotten all about him by now. He couldn't remember having that many friends in the first place, but his memories were still a bit fuzzy so he couldn't tell. Maybe there was someone out there wondering where he had went.
For some reason, that thought made him feel more unsettled than anything else. He really didn't want anyone out there knowing about any part of the past him, not the him from the time he could barely remember nor the him from after he had met her. It would feel weird if someone knew more about his past than he did.
His parents weren't there anymore, so with that the only people he actually remembered from his childhood were gone. Everyone else was nothing more than a stranger to him, a blurry face mixed with mumbled words. But those people could be out there, thinking about him, knowing more about him than he did. As far as he knew, some of them could actually know what happened, they could know what he did, what she made him do.
He could feel his hands start to tremble, as anxiety started to fill his mind. He should stop thinking about his past life. There was nothing but fuzzy memories from before her, and if he kept trying to recall the past his mind would just give him memories of her, and everything she made him do. He suddenly realized he hadn't breathed in a moment, and he gasped for air and sat up on his bed. He had no idea how much time had passed when he tried to think about it, but Komaeda was sitting up in his bed too.
"Hinata-kun? You've been a bit weird for a moment, are you alright?" Komaeda asked and Hinata looked at him, still slightly gasping for air as he nodded.
"It's, it's okay," he stuttered. "I'm okay, just a bit… a bit nervous."
"... You can't fall asleep?" Komaeda asked softly after a moment of silence. Hinata shook his head and grasped at his blanket. Definitely not in this condition. He hadn't even thought about sleep, as anxiety was still making his heart beat.
Maybe that was a description to one type of condition of not being able to fall asleep. Back in the institute, he had had a lot of nights like this, but he had kind of gotten used to the idea of not being able to fall asleep properly. In fact, all this time he had been with Komaeda he had been able to fall asleep surprisingly well…
"Hmm… Would you like me to read something to you?" Komaeda asked a question Hinata hadn't expected to, and he looked at Komaeda in surprise. He could kind of see the other, his eyes used to the darkness, but he still couldn't really tell his expression. "It's… I guess it's something my parents did whenever I couldn't sleep as a child. So I thought it might help you..."
"B-but how about your own sleep?" Hinata asked, and Komaeda chuckled awkwardly, familiarly.
"I can't sleep when I know you're not feeling well anyways. If it will help you, I'll read you something," he said and started to get up from the bed. "I'll turn the bedside lamp on, alright?" he warned, and after waiting for Hinata to nod he turned the light on.
Hinata felt his eyes squeeze shut at the sudden light. In the meantime, Komaeda walked to the bag of books they had and gently inquired him what book he had been reading last time in the car, and what page he had left on. Hinata answered hesitantly, and soon enough Komaeda walked to the side of his bed, sitting down on the edge of it while telling Hinata to lie down on the bed. He did as he was instructed, pulling the blanket back up.
There was something familiar about the weight of someone sitting on the edge of his bed, holding a book in his hand and smiling gently at Hinata, and briefly he wondered if this was another nostalgic feeling from the memories he couldn't remember. Perhaps his parents had read to him similarly how Komaeda's parents had read to him.
Before Hinata managed to anyhow think of any reason to protest this - he didn't really have any other reason but that it felt like a bother to Komaeda and he knew Komaeda wouldn't accept that - Komaeda started to read the book aloud, starting from the previous page that Hinata had mentioned, probably to give him a reminder where he had left off. Hinata rolled to his side, facing the side Komaeda was sitting on and carefully listened to the other's voice.
Slowly, it started to calm his heartbeat from the mess it had been. He barely recognized the words Komaeda was saying but just hearing his voice was calming. Now if only, if only…
"Can I hold your other hand?" he asked before he realized what he was saying, and Komaeda looked at him in surprise. Hinata was about to pull his words back when Komaeda offered his left hand to him, placing the book on his lap and continuing reading. Feeling grateful but embarrassed, Hinata held the offered hand and closed his eyes to avoid looking at Komaeda.
If he could stay like this for the rest of his life, he felt like he would have nothing to fear.
Thank you so much for reading all the way here! I'm glad to hear people enjoyed the last chapter, hehe~ It means I managed to do what I tried to do! Now we'll be back on the regular updates though, with the next chapter being posted on the 30th of November! I hope to see you there~~
