Love's to blame (Damon)
Love's to blame - For Kind and Country
That last memory, I still think of you Maybe time will heal our hearts
She had water in her eyes
She cried stay with me
And asked how can this be love if you're leaving me?
But darling, love's to blame
I pray that you are safe
I'm still missing you
But it has to be this way cause I'm not right for you
And that's why love's to blame
Maybe after time you'll understand
I said goodbye but I love you.
I didn't know how long I had stood there on the stairs and stared at the door which had closed behind Elena. When I finally managed to move again I went to the door and opened it. The driveway was empty. Of course, it was. For a long moment I started into the darkness; then shut the door behind me again. I leaned with my back against it, my mind swirling with thoughts and mixed emotions.
Had this just really happened? Had I really done that? I had sworn it to myself ... to act like this ... ice cold when I would be in such a situation but I never believed she would come back. I never believed I would be able to stick to my promise.
When I had come down the stairs, I had been fully concentrated on my promise – don't show any emotion, don't give in, blow her off. I'd had to do it. I'd had to behave like this; to protect myself, to save myself. And after all she had done yesterday ... all the accusations, blaming me for something I hadn't done, something I couldn't have been able to prevent because I had been busy protecting her.
And nevertheless her anger, her fury and nevertheless everything she had said, I had started to run through our bibliotheca, through thousands of books to find a hint about how to lift such a spell. I had called Bonnie; I had asked her for help. I had asked Bonnie for help because she was our only hope. And although I had hated to ask her because she loved to torture me and I totally preferred to tease her with her semi-competency, I had been as nicely as I could have been. I had literally kneeled on the ground and begged her to help me, the badass. In the end she hadn't been able to help me, at least not immediately. She had said she would try to find out more, search through her grimoire for a different spell, one she could use without collapsing.
I had done all this and then Rose had come into the living room and she had seen my serious strained face and decided that I had needed a break. We had joked around, teased each other, she had tried to rip the documents out of my hands and it had all ended with my flight and the collision with Elena in the entrance hall. And before I had even been able to explain myself she had freaked out again, blaming me for not being serious about all this, just wanting to have fun and not caring about anything but myself. Of course Elena.
I hadn't wanted to show her that clearly how furious her reaction had made me, I hadn't wanted to give her that much power over me but I hadn't been able to hold myself back. She'd had to know what I had really been doing all the damn morning long and that after her scene she could go to hell.
And that's what I had done. I had stopped looking for a way to free Stefan and enjoyed the day with Rose or at least I had tried ... because Rose had recognized pretty soon that although I had cursed Elena and send her to hell, my every single thought had been with her. It had been driving me insane and I had promised myself if she would show up the next time, I wouldn't let myself influence by her ... no matter what. I would stay rational, fathomless, showing her that I didn't need her, that I didn't care.
With these plans I had walked down the stairs when I had heard her voice calling my name. But then she had stood there ... helpless, lost, her clothes covered with dirt, her hands bleeding, red and black tracks from dirt and blood covering her face.
In the very first moment, I had wanted to forget about all my promises. I couldn't have staid rational, I couldn't have pretended that I didn't see her condition, that everything was fine and I didn't care because seeing her standing there like this ... so helpless and lost, had directly hit me to the core ... into my heart. This damn heart!
I had been about to go to her, to send my own feelings to hell because I hadn't been able to endure to see her like this and then two words she had said changed everything ... and had made me remember why I had made this promise to myself.
"Katherine ... Stefan …"
I didn't know for sure what she had meant. I had an assumption but actually it was too irrational even to think that Stefan might have finally given in to his feelings and actually that was not the point and I didn't care. The point was that by saying his name, my heart, my whole inside had frozen.
Again, she had come to me ... because she had needed a shoulder to cry on ... because of ... Stefan. That's why she needed me ... as always, as her comforter and nothing more.
I clenched my fists and slammed them against the door behind me.
Hearing his name had let my heart and my mind stop working and hadn't made it difficult for me to stick to my promise. My expression had immediately changed to bitterness, coldness and in my voice had been not the slightest hint of pity and sympathy; just pure bitterness.
I had screamed at her, harshly, while I had seen how the tears had run down her face. But I hadn't cared. All I had wanted had been for her to leave ... and she had. Only when the door had fallen close behind her my mind and my heart had started working again.
One couldn't believe what I had just done and the other one painfully beat against my chest wanting to show me what a fool I just had been. But I couldn't let it win! I didn't want to let it win, not this time, not again.
You damn heart; you listen to me right now. Don't you want to understand it? Do you want to be hurt, to be broken into pieces again and again?
She would never choose me, never ... and she had made that clear so many times. I brought back pieces of memories in front of my eyes, I would have loved to keep buried as deep inside as possible but I had to do it. My heart needed to understand what my mind already had ... and if I had to torture myself for that, then let it be like this.
I let my heart remember how we had stood on the market place, Stefan and I, watching how Isobel had shown Elena that there was nothing human left in her ... and telling her what not even I had wanted to face in this moment ...
"Why did you take the risk with Damon? How did you know that he was going to give it to me?"
"Because he's in love with you ..."
And when Isobel had disappeared and left Elena devastated, Stefan had immediately run to her, taken her into his protective arms. I hadn't moved, just stood there at the edge and looked at them, my heart heavy. Elena had lifted her head to glance at me and I hadn't even been able to hold her glance.
The next scene had happened way later; when she had hated me for killing Jeremy. We had been outside, I had leaned against the car and Elena had thrown her bag into it to drive with Ric and me to Duke University to look through Isobel's documents. When she had turned around she had taken Stefan's face in her hands and kissed him passionately in front of my eyes. I knew that she had been angry with me and I had said one or two teasing comments but I guess she never understood how much she had hurt me with this action. It was already too much too see them happily together all the time at the mansion, sometimes even kissing when I interrupted them accidentally.
And the scene who had probably hurt me the most ... her bedroom, I had been completely drunk, she had been coming in from her bathroom, recoiled when she had seen me sitting on her bed, she had thanked me for looking out for her, but I hadn't even listened. All I had been doing had been fighting with myself if I should really take this risk and tell her what I had to tell her. In the end I had been too devastated from my encounter with Katherine before and too drunk to recognize that it had been the falsest moment I could have found. Nevertheless I had stood up and walked towards her ...
"You are surprised that I thought you would kiss me back, you can't imagine that I believed you would want to? That what we've been doing here ... means something ... you are the liar, Elena. There is something going on between the two of us and you know it. And you are lying to me and you are lying to Stefan and most of all you are lying to yourself ..."
And then I had kissed her and she had said these words that had changed everything ...
"Damon, I care about you, listen to me, I care about you. I do. But .. I love Stefan. It will always gonna be Stefan ..."
A few little words that had destroyed every single hope that had rose in me; words that had made me lose my control and do something she had hated me for, for a long time.
I wanted to fire more of these scenes at my heart but I didn't expect that it would fire back. And to the bad moments I had chosen, the moments in which Elena had always decided for Stefan, it added the good moments, moments in which Elena and I'd had fun, had been close like never before, moments in which she had indeed chosen me. It was a huge amount of scenes that were fired at me, barely scenes, more images and words …
I saw rain and darkness, a car and Elena leaned against it, her face buried in her hands. I still remembered how I had walked towards her, touched her cold, wet skin and taken her into my arms to dispel the coldness, the loneliness and the darkness …
Then I saw her in a beautiful blue dress walking down the stairs ... towards me, looking me in the eyes ... and suddenly she was wearing a white dress ... but still ... she was walking towards me and looking me in the eyes; with this expression, this special expression as if she would look into my soul, my heart …
Then we were dancing, turning around to the music … her blue dress ... her white dress ... swirling around. Two dances I would never forget in my entire life and when they had ended and we had looked into each other's eyes there had been this electricity … and her heart beat ... against mine ... responding to each other ...
The next scene showed me a lake and a bench ... and brought back the memories of a conversation during which I had felt so close to her like never before ...
The scene drastically changed. I was lying on the ground, Katherine above me, a stake in her hand lifted above her heart pointing to my heart ... and I heard words ... so clearly as if they would be spoken out loud right beside me ...
"You are so unbelievable stupid! Why do you do all of this? Why do you risk your life for her? You don't want to tell me … No! Oh no! Damon you don't want to tell me that you fell for her! Really? You risk your life because you love her? Don't you see? She will never love you! You will die for a woman who will never ever love you! She will never miss you either because she only wants your brother! As always!"
"Really? So you don't mind dying for him?"
"No … I … don't … mind." I heard Elena's voice echoing in my head. "I will never ever let you kill him! Because he is one of the most important persons in the world for me. He means everything to me!"
It had become nearly unbearable for me to watch these scenes flicker in front of my eyes but nevertheless my heart still kept firing these scenes to my mind.
In the next one I saw her standing on a stair head and she was looking down, smiling, tears shimmering in her eyes and then she ran down the stairs … directly into my arms which enfolded around her body, pressing it against mine as close as possible …
The last scene was a scene I would never ever forget in my entire life. Again, we were standing in her bedroom, I had her necklace in my hand … and I had made a decision … that she deserved the best and that this was not me … but that I needed to say it … and she just needed to hear it … once. And I was standing there in her bedroom in front of her and I was telling her that I loved her … and then she had taken my face in her hands, lowered it down towards hers … and kissed me. But it was wrong, wrong … wrong …
"I will never let you go! You don't understand it! You are wrong! So wrong! I do deserve you! You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life! I want to be there for you, to make you not feel alone … I want you! I lo …" …
And before she could end her sentence, before she could speak these three words out loud I let her forget … everything …
Slowly I slid down the door until I sat on the ground, leaning my head against the cold wood. I just couldn't hold myself upright any longer. The memories were too overwhelming, too intense. They let my dead heart beat unbelievable fast; they let my lungs gasping for air; they let my hands tremble and the shivers enfold in my entire body; they let tears build up in my eyes …
I slammed my clenched fist onto the marble ground and felt a sharp pain in my wrist and blood dripping down.
And what do you want me to do now? What the hell do you want me to do now, you damn heart? Tell me! Because I don't know!
I let my head drop down and buried my face in my hands.
