This is my first time writing in 2nd so excuse me if it makes you cringe. Let me know how you feel, lovely people. :D I love reviews and I smile brightly when they are given. :D
"Ayeee, thanks Bud" You nod towards the man in the food truck parked outside of BPD. It's a sad reminder that you still hadn't gotten back into the habit of making her own lunches, and going hungry was not an option
"No problem chica bonita. Have a good one!" The worker called to your back as you walk down the block. A hand thrown up to tell him you listened is good enough so you dig into your six-layer burrito. The park isn't too far from here, are you okay to go there today?
Out of habit you pull out your phone. Shit, realization sets in that you've fallen for it again. That there would be no messages, especially from Maura. You hadn't spoken in nearly a year, and it's been even longer since you've truly seen each other. The friendship between you had been over long before the official departure. It did help to split in such a disgusting way.
"I love you Maura, more than anyone else in this world."
"Then why did you let a man you don't apparently "love" make love you Jane? Why do I have to work to even catch your eye, and he got the prize at the end of the tunnel?"
"It's not like that Maura. Things were easy with Casey, I didn't have to explain-"
"What? Explain that you have a bi-curious crush on a woman who is so desperate for love that she would let herself be second choice? Why am I second choice...why?"
It's not like Maura had been her second choice in all honesty, but how do you tell someone that you're just not brave enough to love them? That the thought of being with them makes you cry out in happiness when you wake up from a dream? Or that when you see blonde children on the street with curly hair, you wonder if your children will look the same? How do you fight for a love that you are so scared of?
You don't.
The familiar bile is rising in your throat as the memories of your last encounter flood your brain. Not able to stomach anything else, you toss the half eaten burrito in the garbage and it makes a sickening noise when it hits the metal of the garbage receptacle. You're disappointed in yourself- this is not how you planned to spend the last day before your vacation.
You don't.
That was Jane's answer to the problem. You pick an easy relationship with a man who is using you just as much as you're using him. Then, when shit hits the fan, no one is hurt in the end and if you are, it's okay because that's easy to hide. You can bury yourself in work and Casey can leave for another tour- it's not like either of you need permission to do so. If you were marrying Maura instead, she'd worry about every case you took and she already had enough of her plate with Doyle in lockup.
You sniff back the tears that threaten to spill because Jane Rizzoli does not cry, or feel, or want, or live. She does not live.
Not anymore.
What good is a life that constantly reminds you of the things you are obviously lacking.
"Janie, I don't know why you are settling for Charles" You shiver when Ma calls him that. He is not Charles in your brain, that is too close the root of all your fear and he had not earned the right to make you feel that way. Scared, vulnerable, surrounded.
She did though, she made you feel those things. The only difference is that she never intended to hurt you, not like he did. He left you battered and broken, unusable for anything other than working for others. She, she left you still battered and still broken because you gave her no choice.
"I refuse to be the second choice Jane, I am too good for that. Maura Isles is never second best- never."
It's okay though because you are Jane Rizzoli, and Rizzoli's are used to coming in last. Look at your family- look how broken it was? You have a father in Florida who is banging trashy blonde's half of your age. You have a brother in prison who only seems happy when causing pain. Frankie is desperate to follow in your footsteps, but what happens when those footsteps also lead him to the ridiculous failure that you are? Could you handle the look on his face when he realized that his one and only idol is full of shit? Could you?
You're at BPD and there is not a single memory of the journey you've made back. It's a shame that you didn't walk into traffic.
You shake your head and try to banish all of your demons away. Frost and Korsak aren't allowed to see you this way- they would know that you are not whole and who can trust an incomplete person?
The doors open as a gaggle of high school kids pour out of the front doors- there must be a job shadowing today. You grab the door and wiggle your way into the lobby and peek into the cafe. Your Ma is there, flirting with Cavanaugh per usual. Well, at least she's happy now.
The elevator is taunting you as you stare at your disappointed form in the augmented steel. You clamp your eyes shut, unable to continue the staring contest with yourself. Finally the stupid thing dings and you walk into it without even opening your eyes all of the way. It's too bright to think, even though you don't do that anymore- it hurts too much.
"Homicide, please" your over-emotional voice makes you cringe. C'mon Jane, get it together.
When the elevator doesn't move, you finally look up and gasp; she's staring at you. The look in her eyes is the same as when Hope left her in the foyer. She's hurt, and it's all your fault. Look at that face Jane, that's what pain looks like. How could you ever live again knowing that you've ruined that gorgeous face forever? You made her a feel like she wasn't good enough, what kind of person does that?
"Maura, I swear, I'll break it off with Casey. He doesn't mean anything to me, he's worthless!"
"So, you let a worthless man be inside you when all I'm allowed to do is watch so far away that I've forgotten what you look like?"
"No! I just- I- I can't do this Maura, I'm sorry I kissed you. Just go home. You'll find someone else, way better than me"
"You know that I won't Jane- don't be a petulant child. You've ruined me forever because no matter what, no one will ever be the same. I'll never be someone's first choice- who could love this? I'm weird Jane, I'm the Queen of the Dead. Who else could love the damned Queen of the Dead other than the Knight of Justice? No one, Jane. I'm destined to be alone because my self-worth cannot suffer another blow, I wouldn't survive it"
"Damnit Maura, don't do this! We could be so happy, we could work it out!"
"No Jane, we could not. I'm sorry that I have to say goodbye to the only friend I've ever had. I never realized that the one person that I loved more than anything in this world- including myself- would be the very same person who would be the reason for my demise. Goodbye Jane Rizzoli, I hope you lead a very happy life full of half truths and loveless nights."
There she stood, with her eyes full of rage. You knew she wanted to say something to you, but couldn't let herself be the one to crack first. Maura Isles did not crack under pressure, even after being damaged.
She pressed the button for the homicide floor swiftly and proceeded to stare at you until you felt so uncomfortable for just breathing.
"That, that feeling right there, that is how it feels to be worthless" Maura walked out of the elevator as soon as it stopped, without another word. How this woman could break you after 362 days of silence, was something you'll never understand.
One sentence, thirteen words that, when merged into one sentence, made you feel so low, so shitty, that there is no one on this planet who could save you now.
Your desk chair is cold, and your desk is bland. There are no more letters or candid photos, just a pencil and a legal pad with nothing written. Your drawers no longer hold secret candy for a bad day, or the fake flower you got on Valentine's day because Casey loved to fight overseas more than he would fight for you. No one would fight for you anymore, no one thought enough of you to do so.
Your desolate phone beeps once, and it startles you so badly that you gasp out loud.
"We need to talk, and you will listen to me. I, in turn, will listen to you"
It's a simple message really, but it's so complex that it will take you all day to figure out. So, a simple "okay" will do for now.
It will do, it has to.
