Disclaimer: I've been in a very writey mood lately. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Ragged breath, soft touches, it's all so gentle. Every brush of skin, every layer of clothing being peeled off of me. Sweet, tempting, desperate. The scent of smoke, a gentle voice telling me I love you, I love you, over and over again. Kisses up my jaw, kisses down my neck. Kiss after kiss, my heart erratic in my chest. "Gale," my voice is a whisper, but he cuts it off with a kiss, another kiss, I'm melting, I can't breathe. "I love you," I say weakly. My voice quivers, my voice shakes, "I love you so much." His breath dances across my collarbone, warm yet giving me goosebumps. Mews of pleasure, muffled grunts of ecstasy.
A smooth rhythm, a pinch of pain for minutes of pure pleasure. My fingers rake across his back claiming him as mine and only mine. "Am I hurting you?" his voice is aching, desperate. I shake my head. No, never. He doesn't hurt me. He wouldn't hurt me. Again his lips find mine, warm, reassuring. He nuzzles into my neck, my skin tingling as the scruff of his jaw presses against me. Teasing against my collarbone, I arch my back. "I love you," his voice sends vibrations down my spine. Against my neck, his fingers trace across my waist. I wrap my ankles around him. "Never leave me."
"I won't," I pant, pulling him closer by the shoulders. "Never, I love you."
My eyes snap open, my heart racing in my chest. The white ceiling of my room comes into view and I take a deep breath. I force myself out of bed and rush to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face to bring some color back. I'm blushing at myself in the mirror. Did I really just dream that? I really just dreamt that. My thoughts are racing faster than my heart; I can't focus on anything but the warmth in my stomach. Splash of water, splash of water, what just happened?
I race out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where Haymitch sits drinking some sort of hot liquid. I know it's not coffee, they're not allowed to have coffee in District 13. "You alright?" he raises an eyebrow. I glance at the clock on the wall, it's 7:30. Perfect.
"Fine," I shake my head, sliding on my shoes by the door. "I'll be right back."
"I've got special defense in an hour," he tells me, but I'm already out the door, my feet carrying me through the cool hallways of District 13. I have to know. I have to know if that was a memory, if that really happened. If it did… that changes a lot, that changes everything. Part of me is hoping it was just a dream; the other half craves more, is desperate for more. His touch was magnetic, it was just a dream. His breath was reassuring, just a dream, just a dream. I pound on the door of the Hawthorne's, they're surely awake by now.
Hazelle's the one to answer, raising an eyebrow curiously at me. "Is Gale home?" I ask desperately, and she nods, ushering me into the house. I rush forward, not caring about how well I know these people anymore, and find Gale in the kitchen reading a book. When he sees me he snaps it shut, hiding it under the table instantly.
"Madge, what are you…"
"Did we have sex?" I burst out quickly. His eyes widen and dart to Hazelle who follows me into the room a few moments later.
"No," he responds just as fast. Almost too fast. "Why?"
I turn to Hazelle, my cheeks surely pink now. "I, I don't know. I was just wondering is all." He raises an eyebrow and drops his gaze.
"You were against it," he says weakly. "Didn't want to rush." Something about his voice is off, but I believe him.
I pull my fingers through my hair, "I just had to know, I mean everyone says we were crazy about each other and… I'm going back to bed." Hazelle laughs, pushing me lightly toward the door. "Sorry for interrupting your morning."
"Never a bother, dear," Hazelle strokes my hair, and then I'm in the hallway back to Haymitch's again. My feet take a ridiculously long time getting there, all I can think about is that dream. It was so real, so… different, it gets my stomach in knots. I rake my fingers through my scalp and tug on the tips of my hair. I'm so confused. I need answers, hell I need answers. When I finally get back to my unit Haymitch is still sitting at the table, although his cup of hot liquid is gone.
"Wanna tell me what that was about?" he says as I sit across from him.
"I had a dream, is all. Wanted to see if it was real." He pauses, waiting for me to continue. "It wasn't. It was just a dream," I grumble angrily. I think I wanted it to be real. Wanted someone to touch me like that, love me like that. They say he does, he says he does, I don't know. My head is spinning and I blink, trying to get myself to breathe. It should've been real.
"Sure, sweetheart. What was it?"
"My business," I snap back. He smirks and takes his empty cup to the sink. "Haymitch, do you ever think I'll remember everything?"
"I don't know," he says honestly, pausing at the sink and leaning over slightly. "I hope so."
"What about Peeta?" I ask, "Will he ever be the same?"
"I don't think so," Haymitch says slowly.
"So you don't think I will either," I note. "You think I'm always going to be like this."
"I didn't say that," he grumbles, turning to face me. "What happened to you and Peeta are two totally opposite things." He watches me for a moment as my eyes stay downcast. "Madge, you're gonna remember."
"But not everything," I say quietly. "I won't remember everything, the little things, the tiny details." I rub my eyes. "That's what matters to me, the little details, the little things I remember for myself that no one else could ever remember for me. The way someone smelled or how their hand felt in my hand or the stitching of a fabric." His eyebrows furrow as he takes the seat across from me. "I'm just tired."
"You'll remember. One day."
"Well I want that day to be today," I hiss. "And it isn't going to be, and it isn't going to be tomorrow either. Or the next day, or the next day. I don't want to have to ask people what actually happened, what's real and what isn't. I just want to know."
"Undersee,"
"I'm going back to bed," I sigh, pushing myself away from the table and running to my room quickly. I collapse backwards against my door, slinking to the ground slowly. I just want to know, that's all I want. I want to know.
I finally convince myself to look at the temporary tattoo on my arm. Haymitch forced it under the scanner today, and as much as I try, it won't scrub off. I hate this place. I skipped the entire morning just to lie in bed, just to think. I told Haymitch he should be happy I at least got the damn thing on my arm, but no, he actually wants me to attend classes and whatnot. I glance at the clock on my wall and the stamp on my arm. I'm just another product. District 13 is like the prisons only we get to walk ourselves from place to place.
But right now, the stamp tells me lunch, and I'm starving, so I force myself out of bed and toward the cafeteria. I walk in and instantly spot Bristel, nestled up against Thom and across from Katniss. She must be done surgery. Prim and Rory are there too, as well as Johanna, but not Gale. I'm somewhat thankful for that considering my outburst this morning. It was a little uncalled for. I stride over and sit down with them, the seat across from Katniss. She doesn't glance up from her plate, instead just picks at it.
"Good afternoon," I say politely. Mostly everyone responds happily. Once they all start to eat I realize the atmosphere is strangely quiet. "Where's Gale?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood some.
"Strawberries for lunch," Katniss mutters. I raise an eyebrow as she looks up at me. "He never eats in the cafeteria when there're strawberries."
"…What? Why not?"
Her hands clench and unclench. "That's why he's not here, because there're strawberries. Even when everyone thought you were dead he didn't eat with us."
"Katniss," Prim says gently. "Madge doesn't understand…"
"We used to sell them to you," Katniss finally mumbles. "They were your favorite. I only just figured out that's why he doesn't come. Only when there're strawberries though." Our small group of people falls silent as Katniss scowls at them. "What? It's true. That was how you guys met." Her voice is angry, disgusted even. "Don't you remember?"
"No," I say weakly.
"Well isn't that a shame," she says back, pushing herself away from the table with a half eaten plate, and exiting the room quickly. Everyone's eyes flicker to me but I drop my gaze.
"I'll go talk to her," Prim volunteers herself, leaving the table to chase after her sister.
"Does she really hate me that much?" I ask nervously.
"No," Bristel shakes her head. "You two were friends. Are friends. She's just upset." I shrug, and then I am also leaving the table. I won't follow Prim and Katniss though, whatever Katniss is on about will pass. I know she's upset with me, she has every right to be. If what I'm told is correct, when Gale and I were together we never told her. Gale's her best friend, and apparently I was too, so that's a low blow. Kind of makes me hate myself. Not only that but she's losing Peeta because of what the Capitol did to him, I'm sure she thought that she still had Gale.
Against my better judgment my feet take me back to the Hawthorne's. Gale's the one to open the door and he lets me in wordlessly. "Strawberries?" I ask weakly.
He lets out a dry laugh, "I'm working on it, alright?"
"It's just a fruit, Gale."
"It's how we met," he says back, collapsing onto the couch. My stomach turns, he must really love me. I follow slowly, sitting next to him. "Vick and Posy are here," he tells me gently. If I listen hard enough I can hear them in their rooms playing with some sort of toy. "So is my mom."
"Right," I say back. I don't know what the warning was for, but okay. "Have you talked to Katniss about… about us?"
Again, his laugh is dry. "Yeah. Tried to, anyway. She's really angry."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," he says. "The whole situation was just…" he trails off, leaning over on his knees with his elbows. "Not that I regret it, I don't, I just wish it wasn't so complicated." I nod, waiting for him to continue. "She's still my best friend, she just looks at me differently. I thought she'd be happy for me…" Gale shakes his head. "I don't know. She'll get over it later, I guess."
"Sorry I've caused such a ruckus."
He laughs, "Ruckus?" I shrug and his smile brightens. I've decided I like when he smiles. "Are you busy?" I shake my head no and he stands up. "Can I show you something?"
"Sure," I follow after him. "What is it?"
He leads me out of his unit and holds the door open for me, walking a comfortable distance away from me. "I've been working on something with Beetee, you know, once they found you and all. He got it all figured out a few nights ago but I wasn't sure if you were ready… I don't know."
"Well what is it?" I ask again, a smile playing at my lips. Gale takes a turn down a corridor and I follow slowly. It's not the hospital wing, or special defense. In fact, it's a whole new section I haven't seen. "Where are we?"
"Secret," he says back. Again, I'm smiling. He opens a door and ushers me inside, closing it lightly behind us. The lights flicker on and my eyes adjust to the room. "I know yellow isn't the best color," he says, "but I didn't want it to be white, because, well you know." I nod, my eyes skirting over the dull sunshine that spreads across the walls, patterns on the floor. "And I didn't know what kind of chair so…" there's just a couch. It's a small room, one television in the center, the couch in the back. A coffee table on one side, on it sits some sort of tablet. "It was a last minute type of thing, just kind of thrown together. Coin didn't even want it, said it wasn't top priority…"
"I'm not a fan of television," I say quietly.
"I know," he runs his hand through his hair, "but this is all I could come up with on short notice. We don't have to if you don't…"
"Well what is it?" I ask, making my way to the couch. He follows after, sitting next to me. "I mean what's it for?"
"The Capitol took videos of District 12," he tells me. "The ones they used against you. They were still all on file, Beetee hacked in and got them all out. I thought maybe seeing them again would trigger something, I don't know. It's stupid."
"No its not," I say quickly. All the videos the Capitol took from me, an entire expanse of the memories they stole. "Let's watch some."
"Are you sure? If you're not ready for it then…"
"Gale," I turn to him. "I want to remember. You said you'd help me."
"I don't want you to have to think about the prison," he grumbles. "If it makes you upset,"
"Just play a damn video," I scold him. He looks conflicted but eventually reaches over to grab the tablet. "Start from the beginning." With a nod, he scrolls for a few moments and then hits something, a video appears on the screen in front of us. I hate the television. I hate it so much.
"Madge," Gale's voice is strained, he leans like he wants to reach for me but doesn't know if he should. Eventually he doesn't, instead just runs his hands back through his hair.
"I'm fine," I say back, unclenching the fist I didn't know what clenched. "I just need to breathe a bit." He nods, leaning back to sit straight. The video plays on and I blink, the images registering in my mind. "When was this?"
"My birthday," he says gently. A girl that looks like me sits on a log next to a boy that looks like Thom. "First night you drank," he says, trying to suppress his smile. "The," he hesitates, "the strawberry spirits were your favorite." Again with the strawberry.
"You're funny, you know that?" Thom says in the video.
"I know," the other me responds. Gale snorts from next to me.
"Haven't you seen these?" I raise my eyebrows and cross my arms.
"Only a few, once or twice," he admits with a smile. "You're just funny when you're drunk." I lean over and push him and he laughs again, blocking my hands. "You are! Look!"
"Are you gonna kiss me now?" the drunk me asks Thom. Now it's my turn to snort.
"Why'd you let me drink?" I push Gale again.
A grin breaks across his face, "You wanted to! I told you not to unless you wanted to, and you did!"
I cross my arms angrily as the video reels on. "Hell Madge," Thom says in the replay, "I'd never do anything to a drunk girl! Especially you, Gale would murder me." I lift my eyebrows and look at the boy next to me.
"Did you like me then?" I ask. He nods. "For how long?" His shoulders lift in a shrug.
"Awhile," he presses the fast forward button until it shows me and him sitting on a log. I'm wiping a cut up the side of his cheek. "Got in a fight over you," he smirks. "Night of firsts for us. First fight."
"There were more?" I inquire. He laughs and nods his head. "Interesting." The thought of someone fighting over me, the thought of Gale fighting over me, it makes me nervous, makes knots bunch up in my stomach. "Do you still have the scar? From the cut? Or did it not scar?"
"Er," his hand reaches up to his face, "I don't know." I lean forward, grabbing his chin and turning it toward me. My fingers trail across his cheek until I find a dip in his skin. His eyes flicker shut, his breathing hitches. "Madge," he whispers, one of his hands reaching up to grab mine. "Don't."
"What else happened that night?" I ask faintly.
"We held hands. You agreed to go on a date with me. You kissed me."
"Gale," I say back. Are you finished, Dr. Undersee, the voice on the TV croons. I turn to watch and Gale cups my cheek. Not TV Gale, but real Gale, right here, right now. He leans forward, his forehead pressing against mine. "What's harder?" I breathe. His head slides down, his cheek pressing against mine. I feel his breath on my neck. "Me being dead, or me not remembering?" His hand reaches toward the tablet so he can pause the video, and then it wraps around my waist.
"Both," he chokes out. "They're two different kinds of torture. When I thought you were dead…" his arm wraps tighter and I drop my head to his shoulder. "Am I too close?" I shake my head no, I need him closer. "Madge if I'm too close,"
"No, just keep talking," I plead. "When you thought I was dead…"
"I couldn't feel anything," he whimpers. "I wanted to give up, I wanted to quit. Emptiness, that was all I had. Not even Posy could get me to laugh." My hand reaches up and wraps around his neck, my fingers darting to his hair line. "And now… now it's just a never ending ache in my stomach. You see me, and I can hold you like this, but what does it mean to you?"
"Don't do that," I grumble as he leans away, pulling my chin up. "It's helping. I… I feel safe," I tell him nervously. He smiles weakly, pushing a strand of hair out of my face. "You did that a lot. Before, you know. Push my hair back."
His eyes light up, "Did I?"
"Yeah," I nod. "Last time you did it… I remembered a bit. Well, it was mostly just an image. You and me laying in the grass… you always had your hands in my hair."
"That could be true," he nods. My eyes flicker to his lips and his tongue darts out to wet them. "I like your hair."
I force my eyes back up to his, "Do you still love me?"
Again his forehead is pressing against mine. "More than you could imagine." I reach up, my fingers trailing against his face, across his cheek, down the bridge of his nose, under his earlobe. "Do you believe that you loved me?" he asks faintly.
"Yes. I know I love you, but I… right now I…" his nose bumps mine and I swallow. "I like you." That's all I can come up with. His presence, it's familiar, it's comforting. I know I like him. But that's all I can conjure.
He chuckles, "That's a step, I guess."
"I know there's something," I say, trying to get him to understand me. "I feel it. I feel it whenever I'm with you, whenever you…" his hand is against my cheek again. "That. But I need more than that."
"No rush," he breathes, his lips pressing quickly against my nose. "You hear Finnick and Annie are getting married?" I shake my head no quickly. The thought makes me smile. The poor, mad girl from the cell next to me. The girl who liked to laugh. Getting married to her true love. "Will you go with me? To the wedding?"
"I don't know," I drop my head. Gale's fingers dances across my cheek.
"Too close?" he whispers. I shake my head and pull my gaze up again. "Too fast?" I don't know, I can't tell if this is too fast. I want to touch him, feel his skin against mine, breathe in his breath. But it's just a craving, an indescribable itch. "You still don't remember anything," he croaks. "Do you?" After I'm hesitant to answer he finally pulls away. His eyes flicker up to meet mine and they're pained, his eyebrows angled sadly. "You remember some of the feelings you had for me, but not me," he notes, his eyes taking on an angry form. Gale takes a deep breath, obviously trying to calm himself. "I hate them."
"Gale," I sigh.
"If you could remember me, if you could look into my eyes and see everything that we've done together, everything we've been through, you'd understand." He shakes his head angrily. "I swear to you I'm not gonna stop until we win this. This war."
"Which war?" I ask quietly.
"Both. The one with us, me and you, but the one against them too. I'm not gonna stop." I nod and he pushes himself from the couch. I watch as he paces to the door, but stops. "Madge, I…"
"It's okay," I stand up, following after him. "You can go, I understand." He needs to breathe, get some anger out. Instead, however, Gale turns to me, leaning down once more. "That offer to kiss me still stands," I say as his proximity increases. His lips hover over mine, I can taste his breath.
"Tell me something about us from before," he asks in a hushed voice. "Something I haven't told you, that other people haven't told you." I frown, all I have is what people told me, but he smiles a bit. "Once you can do that, okay? Once you can tell me something like that. Then I'll kiss you."
"What if I can't?" I ask angrily. "What if I never remember anything?"
He shakes his head. "You will." Gale leans away from me and starts toward the door again. "So the wedding?" he asks, holding open the door so I can pass through. A smile cracks on my face and I nod, the two of us walking back to his house together.
A/N: I think the wedding'll be next chapter, I'm not entirely quite sure. Wanted to slip this scene in there somewhere. I hope it's understandable, the thing about how she knows her feelings but doesn't know why. Let me know your thoughts!
Edit: Yes, Madge and Gale did have sex. Yes, Gale lied. For starters, his mother was right there. Awkward, much? Secondly, how would you feel if all of a sudden you have a sex dream and that's basically you remembering your entire sex experience with someone you barely know. He didn't want Madge to freak out, I think that's a pretty big step. Also, the part about her remembering things, Gale isn't really saying he wants her to say something, that's just how it comes out. He wants her to be sure, to be ready, and to feel the same way back.
