You guys are amazing! Thank you all so much for reading! Chapter 57 should be posted on Monday, the 21st.
And this chapter is late! Of course! Holiday time is the busiest time and I'm a fool for trying to get this story finished during it, especially since I'm going to be traveling again for part of it. What a dummy. Anybody else feel like they're running around like a chicken with its head cut off? Yeah?! Group high five!
Enjoy!
"You going somewhere?" The deep voice was low and dark.
Root practically leapt out of her skin. Bear immediately jumped and tore away from her, going to circle around the knees of the man who had spoken, then darting to leap up at the woman behind him, almost knocking her over.
Root couldn't believe her eyes. It was Reese and Shaw. Her heart jumped into her throat and she felt like she might cry again. For what felt like the hundredth time in the past week. She walked towards them.
There was no sign of Lionel.
"Fusco—" Root began, her heart sinking, her eyes on the Persian woman.
"Wanted to see his kid," John explained when Shaw stayed silent. Root exhaled with relief and nodded. Bear had returned to her side, circling her knees and sitting down on her feet.
Reese brushed past her with a tight, morose smile to go to the locker inside of the subway car, telling Bear to follow him. Root watched the dog look to Shaw, who pointed with her wounded hand after Reese. As soon as he saw the signal from Sameen, Bear leapt after John, tail wagging.
This left Root and Shaw standing facing one another, Shaw's eyes on Root's feet. Root used the fact that Shaw was avoiding eye contact to take in the black cast enveloping the darker woman's left wrist, totally encasing her thumb and forearm.
"How's your hand?" Root asked, her voice quiet. Shaw looked at the cast, gesturing and shrugging.
"I've had worse," she replied noncommittally, her words tinged with anger.
Root heard the locker shut and Reese passed quietly, Bear on a leash at his heels. John looked exhausted and defeated as he paused. He and Shaw made eye contact and nodded to one another. Sameen looked right back at the ground, and Root watched John's eyes narrow at the Persian woman, trying to suss out what she was thinking, perhaps.
"I guess… we'll be in touch," he mumbled, looking at Root sympathetically. Then he slowly shuffled up the stairs with the dog.
Shaw shut her eyes, taking a deep breath. She still wouldn't look Root in the eye, fidgety and uncomfortable. Root's insides churned.
"Is She… did She help you?" Root asked. Her voice trembled. She couldn't bring herself to ask if the Machine had made it through the fight, but that was what she wanted to know.
"Yeah," Shaw growled. "The Machine told me what to do and I did it. Just followed orders."
Shaw looked up at Root and they made eye contact as she continued. "Unlike you."
Shaw pursed her lips. It felt good to settle into her anger.
"I'm sorry," Root said, despair creeping up from her stomach, pricking at her eyes. Shaw didn't need to say more to let Root know that she was far from forgiven. "I thought…"
The taller woman had to pause to swallow the lump in her throat before she could continue.
"She told me that you were at a bigger risk than the rest of us."
"And I told you that I can take care of myself." Shaw's words were sharp. Staccato. They stood looking at one another.
"You're right. Both of you. And I probably deserve this," Root said, chewing on her lip to try to keep from tearing up. It didn't help.
"Deserve what? I didn't do anything to you," Shaw said. Her words were bitter. But as she finished, Root watched the shorter woman look down at her feet again and saw that Shaw didn't look half as angry as she sounded.
"She's not talking to me anymore." Root's voice was barely above a whisper. She knew that Shaw wasn't surprised by this news. "I don't know if She ever will again."
They were both quiet for a beat, the hum of the subway station alive around them.
Shaw's eyes had snapped back to her feet because seeing Root's brimming with tears made her feel sick. Like she'd swallowed a lead weight that had just dropped into her stomach.
John's words— his belief that Root needed her— came back to Shaw. He was right, in a way: Root needed to know why Shaw had left. She deserved to know that they hadn't left her with the dog out of anger. And that Shaw was thinking about leaving, even now.
Sameen reached up and pulled her earpiece out, glad to have thing out of her ear canal. She turned it off and put it into her pants pocket. She took her time, trying to decide how best to explain herself.
"If you had died, and I had lived…" Sameen said, looking up at Root, her eyes bright. She swallowed and blinked, then shook her head. This wasn't what she'd planned on saying, but now that she'd started she didn't want to stop. She let the words come straight up from her gut instead of from her brain. "The Machine knows— I wouldn't have stayed. I would have left and never looked back if the Machine had let you get killed. If doing what it told me to do hadn't been the only way to get revenge, I would've left already."
Shaw could see Root shaking.
"But if I died, and you lived…" Shaw had to pause, and tucked her bottom lip between her teeth. Despite all of this being unplanned, Shaw knew that these were the right words. And Root should hear them.
"The Machine's your God, Root. She knows…" she hesitated. "You'll always be there for her."
Root looked into Shaw's eyes, watched them search her face, and wondered if that was true. Would she have stuck around knowing that the Machine had let not one, but all of those close to her die? Root didn't know. The loss of one of their little group had shaken her far more than she could have ever imagined. And thinking that the rest of them would be lost as well, she had never felt so afraid. Had never known that sadness. The childhood loss of Hanna was horrible, and this would have returned her to being that scared, lonely girl. This would have been worse.
"No one life matters more than any other," Shaw continued, her voice low, and Root was grounded again, pulled out of her thoughts. "But… you're different."
"She said that?" Root felt herself inflate a bit. She was proud that the Machine might have told someone else that she was significant.
There was a long pause while Shaw's eyes searched Root's expression, then the ground. When she finally looked up into Root's face once more, her mouth was tightly pursed. She swallowed hard, and Root could tell that it was taking extraordinary effort for Sameen to work out what it was that she wanted to say.
"She didn't have to," Shaw said. Root blinked as Shaw looked away once more, something like regret in her eyes.
Sameen wished she was somewhere else. Wished that she hadn't said that, because she had seen Root perk up at the prospect of the Machine separating her from everyone else. Putting her on a pedestal. And it made Shaw jealous, seeing Root light up at the thought of the fucking robotic voice that had spent the last week interrupting Shaw's thoughts, forcing her to lead the other two around. Shaw didn't want to be the one that people looked to for help or guidance, and had told the Machine as much. She knew that she was damn good at her job, but it didn't mean that she wanted to be team leader.
Shaw shook her head. "Your Machine knows it. And I know it. That's why She started talking to me, instead of John. Or Harold."
Shaw's head dropped forward and her mouth immediately snapped shut upon saying the name. Her eyes left Root's face, and she turned her entire body away from the subway car.
In an instant, her throat tightened like she had a noose around her neck, and she couldn't bear to look at Root while she tried to stop her body from betraying her.
Root watched Shaw cross the platform, like she was itching to fight or run or do something. Root followed out into the subway station in time to watch Shaw kick the cardboard box she'd spent so much time continuously throwing cards into while doing pushups. The deck fell haphazardly, like over-sized, lame confetti, skittering out across the floor.
Irritated by the childishness of the action, Root spoke.
"What happened?" Root asked, surprised by the sudden strength of her voice. Shaw didn't turn to look at her, and Root rolled her eyes at Shaw's back, frustrated by the immaturity.
"We killed Greer," Sameen said after a second, her words clipped. Strangled, even. She continued to take steps away from Root. And Root followed, keeping her distance but also desperate not to be too far, like maybe Shaw would disappear again if she got more than a few yards away, even though they were both in the cave of the subway station and Shaw wasn't heading towards the stairs. "And Martine."
"Well, I'm sure glad that seems to have helped so much," Root said, forcing sarcasm because Shaw wouldn't stop walking away from her, and she wanted her to turn around. Shaw reached the wall near the cots, and when she heard the comment she slammed her left fist, still wrapped up and healing from the break, into the tiles.
The clatter of the edge of the cast and the dull slap of her flesh pounding the smooth surface echoed, and Root's jaw tightened. Shaw took a tiny gasp of air, a half-grunt, half-whine escaping her. She leaned bodily against the wall, pressing her forehead against the cool tiles, her wounded hand clutched tight against her stomach.
Root had wanted to get a reaction from Shaw. Wanted Sameen to turn around and look at her. But even as the words had left her mouth, she didn't know why she was choosing to try to hurt Sameen in the process. That wasn't really true, that she didn't know why she had chosen to upset the shorter woman. She knew that Shaw wanted to be mad. That she was ready to fight. Root was just giving her what she wanted.
Root silently approached, listening to the soft, unsteady hiss of air between Shaw's gritted teeth. Saying nothing, Root stewed on her irritation at Shaw for being so reckless all the time, and wondered if she could reach out and touch her or if she should wait for Shaw to bridge the space between them.
Assuming that Shaw ever did let Root get close again.
That thought was unbearable. So after a moment's hesitation, Root moved to lean against the wall near Shaw as casually as possible, giving her a sidelong look, anxiously curious to see what she would do next.
When Shaw pulled her head away from the wall and looked up towards Root, Root was startled to to see that her eyes were red, tears welling up in the soft darkness. The taller woman watched Shaw's face shift from being contorted with pain to something else. That lovely bottom lip quivered, infinitesimally. The only word that Root could find to describe the expression on Shaw's face was 'heartbroken'.
"Sameen," Root whispered the name like an apology, and thought that perhaps she should look away as she watched Shaw's mouth twist again in pain, trying hard to regain her composure.
When Shaw realized she couldn't keep it together, she started to turn away again. She was losing her grip on herself.
Root instinctively put a hand on her shoulder to stop her from facing away, and Shaw tried to shrug her off. When Root didn't let her go, she jerked her shoulder harder.
"Stop," Shaw said, the word thick. Root's nerves sent electric heat crawling over every inch of her skin at the sound.
"Sameen," Root repeated her name, turning her around by force, and caught another glimpse of Shaw's face screwing up, the tears threatening to fall, before Shaw ducked her head to hide.
"Let me go," Shaw growled harshly, trying to twist out of Root's grip.
"No," Root said, equally stern. "I am not letting you go."
And she wouldn't. There was no way in hell that she was letting the woman she loved get away from her. The woman that hardly ever felt anything, who was trying desperately to stave off tears. No. Root was definitely not letting Shaw get away from her again.
"Don't," Sameen pleaded, panic in her voice as it broke on the single word. Refusing Root. She acted like she might fight the taller woman, continuing to protest, her unbroken hand shoving against Root's arms even as Root closed them around Shaw, clutching the shorter woman against her like she was shielding her from a bomb.
"It's okay, Sam," Root told her, burying her face in Shaw's hair. Her eyes pressed shut against the tears forming in them. She didn't like how thin her own voice sounded. She couldn't hide the fact that she knew it was only an appeasing lie. It wasn't okay. Harold was gone.
"No," Shaw said, her voice filled with unadulterated fury, as if she had simultaneously had the same thought. It wasn't okay. Root had started crying, her body trembling as she suppressed sobs. Shaw said the same word again, "No." And again. "No." She beat her unbroken fist against Root, struggling to escape the crush of her embrace.
"No." Again and again, Shaw spoke the word until her voice broke on a sob. Shaw's hand that had been pushing Root away stopped shoving against her bicep and instead grasped tightly onto her shirt, clinging to her as Shaw buried her face against Root's throat, weeping.
Her breathing was ragged and hot against Root's skin, long halting gasps for air interrupted by the convulsing of Shaw's body as she cried.
Shaw was lost. Rage and sadness in every sob that tore up from her chest and turned into a roar of frustration. Loud. Uncontrolled.
Root held her, tears running from her own eyes. It was unbearably painful for Root, knowing that Sameen had been so wounded by everything that had happened in the last week. By everything that Root had caused.
But Shaw would always be Shaw— stubborn to her core. As soon as she had started crying, she was already trying to swallow the raw sobs to keep them from escaping. So it wasn't long before she had moved past the worst of it, her body lurching less frequently. She kept her tight grip on Root's shirt, shaking as she sniffed hard, her breathing fast and jagged as she tried to control herself.
Root relaxed her hold on the shorter woman, wanting to wipe the tears from her face and lean back so she could look at Sameen. Shaw's good hand grappled to pull Root closer again. And Root let herself be kept near, her arms snug around Sameen's ribcage.
The shorter woman wasn't crying anymore, but her entire body was tense.
What the fuck? Shaw kept cursing internally. Because Shaw didn't cry. Ever. But here, now, in the subway station, she had lost it for a minute. Only for a minute, but that was a minute too long. Especially with Root.
Shaw tried to hold onto that last thought: Root was dangerous. She had manipulated Shaw and gotten the Persian woman wrapped around her little finger. She had handcuffed Shaw and left her behind when the rest of their little team was diving headfirst into danger.
Shaw knew that she should leave the subway. She wanted to. Wanted to make sure that no one ever took advantage of her like that again.
Root had never thought that she might need to console Shaw, and here she was, at a loss for words, with Sameen holding onto her like a life raft. She turned and pressed her lips against the side of Sameen's head, the dark hair wet where Root's own tears had fallen into it. She wasn't sure what else to do.
Without a thought, Shaw's mind evacuated all excuses of why she should be wary of the brunette. She wanted Root to consume her. Swallow her whole. On instinct, Shaw lifted her head from where it had been pressed against Root's throat and tipped her chin up, eyes shut. She blindly kissed Root, finding the corner of her mouth where those perfect lips met, then adjusting her mouth to fully meet Root's without ever opening her eyes.
Root tasted like tears.
The taller woman hesitated.
Root didn't know if what Shaw was doing was the best idea when she was so completely undone. When she had, mere minutes ago, essentially confessed that she had thought about leaving. She didn't know what Shaw was thinking, if she was thinking at all, and she didn't want Sameen to regret anything later. Especially given that the last times they'd been here were when Root had left Shaw handcuffed and alone, and then when Shaw had left in fury, marching off to war. A sacrificial lamb.
With all of this in mind, Root withdrew. It physically hurt to do so, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Shaw tried to follow Root's retreating mouth. Tried to keep them together. Root put a hand on the shorter woman's cheek. Her skin was hot to the touch.
"Sameen, I…" Root started, wanting to tell her what she was thinking, but not sure how. Not sure where to begin. She didn't want to hurt Shaw. And honestly, Root couldn't tell what would hurt the darker woman more: stopping or continuing. Shaw opened her dark eyes and looked up at Root, lips turned down at the corners into a little frown.
"Please," she managed to say, hating how weak she sounded.
Root froze. The word had been so small and quiet. Desperate. Helpless and hopeless. The first snowflake of the season, melted into the air before touching ground.
The woman she loved was broken, and that single word swayed Root.
She tilted her head down to meet Shaw's kiss again. Hesitant. But her tenderness was drowned by Shaw's urgency, the unbroken hand now fisting the collar of Root's shirt to keep them tethered.
Sameen leaned into Root, pushing her backwards, and Root felt her calves bump the cot and her balance start to go. Just like the first time, all of those months ago.
No, Root thought. Nothing like that.
Root tumbled back onto the mattress and when Shaw fell into her and her wrist was twisted between them, the shorter woman emitted a short whine of pain, her head dipping forward to hide her face. Root tried to push her away to see if she was alright, but Shaw was already grabbing at the front of Root's shirt with her good hand, fumbling to pull it up.
She struggled against the fabric, increasingly frantic and impatient. Maybe it was because she was frustrated by how slow she was forced to maneuver because of the cast, or maybe it was her misshapen hand throbbing, or maybe it was some pain from deep inside of her. Something caused her to sit up, straddling Root's thighs, and press her good hand over her eyes. Root saw that she had her teeth bared, her chest heaving as she tried to hide her face and get a hold of herself.
Shaw wanted to claw her eyes out of her head. Her body was betraying her, tears burning like acid again, and she hated it. She hated Root for being so damn comfortable. For being the one thing on the face of the planet that could get her to let go and be consumed by the chemicals in her brain. Root, who had betrayed her.
Shaw didn't know what she was doing. Didn't know why she was letting herself get pulled into the black hole that was Root. She was setting herself up to get screwed over again, and she knew it, but finally being back with Root, and finally being able to rest after spending a week running around London, was intoxicating. Shaw fought against the urge to collapse into Root and let her tears run. With a steadying breath sucked in between her bared teeth, she prepared to get up and leave. Just as soon as she felt like she'd swallowed the lump in her throat, she'd go. Yes, just one minute. If Root knew what was good for her, she wouldn't try to follow. Just as soon as she had gotten control of herself, Shaw would get up. Any moment now.
Root saw that Shaw seemed to be paralyzed, and sat up to meet her, their chests bumping. The taller woman quickly pulled off her shirt that Shaw had struggled with, then slid one hand up under the bottom of Shaw's black cotton t-shirt. Root let their lips brush as her free hand found Shaw's, still covering those dark eyes. Gently, Root moved Shaw's hand to her own chest, right over her heart. Shaw's eyes stayed shut tight, her nostrils quivering as she took deep, steadying breaths.
"Look at me," Root whispered against Shaw's mouth. Shaw's body shivered like she was cold, but her skin felt overly warm against Root's, like her sadness was burning her up from inside. A fever.
Sameen swallowed hard, then opened her eyes.
Root searched Shaw's face and watched Sameen do the same, her eyes flitting anxiously over Root's features. Then Shaw's eyes finally met Root's. Those eyes with dark circles from a long trans-Atlantic flight were swollen from crying, tears threatening to roll down her blotchy cheeks, sniffing uselessly against a dripping nose. Tired and sore and crushed, inside and out.
And beautiful.
Perfect.
Shaw's brow furrowed and jaw set under Root's gaze, but she didn't look away.
Cautiously, Root lifted the edge of Shaw's shirt, and the darker-complected woman lifted her arms to let her take it off.
Root had expected Shaw to sucker punch her at the mere suggestion of doing something like this after the incident with the handcuffs, but instead, Shaw's body calmed as Root undressed them both slowly, her hands steady and reassuring as she slid each layer of fabric away from Sameen's skin. In the moments between each action, each article removed, Shaw leaned into Root again, their lips hard against one another even as Root quietly guided Shaw to lay beneath her. The only noise came when the Order of Lenin fell from Root's clothes to the floor, the harsh sound of metal on concrete ringing only for a moment before it was muffled by Shaw's pants following it.
Fresh tears from Root's eyes found their way to Shaw's cheeks. Unlike Sameen, Root didn't have the power of will to suppress her tears. Now that she had started crying, she couldn't stop.
When they were all bare skin on skin, Root hovered over Shaw, and stilled. She let their noses touch, but didn't kiss Shaw. She wasn't sure if she should keep going. There were still occasional tears escaping from her eyes, and she knew that Shaw would probably be frustrated by them.
At the lack of movement, Shaw lifted her head and kissed Root again. She had seen that Root was trying to stop herself from crying, and connected their mouths like she could swallow Root's heaving sobs. She put her good hand on Root's bare lower back when Root ducked away from her mouth. When Root didn't lift her face again, Shaw's wounded left hand found Root's brown hair and clumsily brushed it back to look at her. Root turned and kissed the cast where the inside of Shaw's wrist was hidden under the hardened wraps.
They made eye contact again, and Shaw tucked her lip into her mouth as she watched Root hesitate.
"Are you sure?" Root asked, her eyes still shining. Shaw nodded a single quick motion.
"Are you?" Shaw asked back. When Root nodded, the motion was slower. Longer.
"I just… I know you're angry at me," Root said, wiping the latest tears from her face. Shaw brushed Root's hands aside, and Root felt the need to apologize. "I— I'm sorry, I can't stop crying."
"Root," Sameen whispered. Root stopped trying to look away to keep from weeping and saw that Shaw was looking at her in a way that was somehow both tragic and earnest. The hint of a smile twitched on Sameen's face, only making her look more forlorn. "Shut up."
Root felt her insides warm at Sameen's words. They were oddly sweet in their impatience. Root's weight shifted so she could slide a warm palm down to Shaw's bare chest, pressing a leg between Shaw's. She was rewarded by Shaw's hips moving to meet her, her head lifting to find Root's mouth again.
It seemed as though they were underwater. And not because Root was still crying.
Although she was— Shaw realized that Root hadn't exaggerated. She really couldn't stop.
It scared Shaw. It scared her that Root couldn't control her tears. It scared her that this was probably what Root had been reduced to while she was alone. It scared her that she herself had cried. The last time she'd cried was… when she was still in diapers, probably. And more than anything else, it scared her that she was so damn happy to be back here with Root. To be so comforted by her presence.
Sameen couldn't bear it when Root tried to duck her head to kiss her neck and shoulders. It hurt deep in her chest, not having their bodies fully connected. She knew it was stupid to feel disconnected when Root was still right there in the bed with her, but logic had flown out the window as soon as she'd walked into the station and seen Root standing in the old subway car.
Root began to trail kisses down Shaw's chest. And even though Shaw knew that Root was on a slow but deliberate path down to her pelvis, Root's warmth slipping away was like being dropped into the ocean with her hands tied. Shaw's heart thundered in her chest and she scrambled to grab for Root's hand. In an instant, Root glanced up and rose to kiss Shaw again, eyes like apologies.
She knew, Shaw thought to herself, and felt her throat grow tighter, forehead pulling. Shaw wrapped her wounded arm around Root's shoulders, the taller woman's skin cool to the touch, and found solace in burying her face against Root's neck. She hooked a leg around Root's to pull their hips together again.
Their hands bumped when they simultaneously reached down between them, and Root's mouth dropped open as the fingers of Shaw's good hand found her, slick and ready despite her misgivings about whether or not this was a good idea. Despite her tear-filled eyes.
Shaw forgot about being angry. It wasn't possible to stay mad when Root was so totally in tune with her. When she was finally safe and sound. Shaw's fury slipped away from her bit by bit with each perfected motion of Root's fingers. Each little abrupt exhale from that open mouth. Each tear that dripped down from Root's face onto Shaw's head, running into her hair.
Even when, finally, they shuddered, gasped, and writhed out of time, Root's entire body tightening spasmodically on Shaw's fingers and Shaw following her over the precipice into painful bliss, pressing her nose and forehead altogether too hard against the side of Root's face, there were tears rolling down Root's cheeks.
Shaw put her bandaged hand on the back of Root's neck, tugging at her to let her body rest heavily on top of Sameen's. The shorter woman's arms wrapped tightly around Root's torso when she succumbed to Shaw's silent request, still shaking with silent tears.
Sameen kept her eyes shut, still exhausted and crushed but okay for the time being. For just a moment, she could almost forget all of the shit that had happened.
And as Root was held in Sameen's arms, tears still rolling down her face, three words leapt into the brunette's mouth. I love you. Root swallowed hard against them, doing her best to force them back down her throat to sit heavy in her stomach with the rest of her sobs. But now that they had found their way to Root's tongue, she couldn't stop thinking them as she pulled away and looked at the woman beneath her.
Shaw opened her eyes just enough to see Root looking at her strangely.
"What?" Shaw asked. Root shook her head, keeping her mouth tightly shut. She could see Shaw struggling not to be impatient, but she knew that as soon as she opened her mouth she wouldn't be able to stop herself. Shaw had closed her eyes again and mumbled, "You're creeping me out."
Root couldn't help but smile at that despite her teary eyes.
The words wouldn't leave her. She wasn't going to be able to contain them. Maybe that meant that she should simply let them go. She was fairly sure that Shaw had said something similar into her own ear before she'd left for London, so it wouldn't be coming out of left field. Right?
She decided that she would tell Sameen. Her mouth began to open, the words readying to spill from her.
A phone rang.
Shaw twisted under her, stretching to reach for her pants on the floor beside the bed, fishing her cellphone out of her pocket. Her brow furrowed at the number on the screen and she answered the call, relaxing onto her back under Root, oblivious to the fact that the taller woman was having an internal battle.
"Yeah," Shaw said. She was confused. Almost hesitant.
"Why're you calling me? How'd you get this number?" Shaw asked. Root couldn't hear what was being said on the other end of the call, but Shaw's expression quickly got more annoyed, then offended, moving into sadness that was instantly consumed by anger.
Shaw started to sit up, and Root had to move. The dark-haired woman didn't notice that Root was watching her, trying to figure out what was going on.
"Yeah yeah, I'll be there," Shaw grumbled, hanging up the phone. Root was pretty sure she hadn't let the other person finish speaking.
"Who was that?" Root asked. Shaw was lost in her own thoughts, pulling on her pants and grabbing her shirt, and didn't seem to hear Root's question. Root felt herself panicking, her heartbeat racing. She quickly grabbed for her own clothes. "Where are you going?"
Shaw looked up and realized that Root's eyes were huge with fear and anguish.
"I'll be back later. I have some things I need to take care of," Shaw murmured. Then she was looking away, gathering up her things from the ground.
