A/N: So happy you all liked the Kinmode in the last chapter; I really like him too. Hermione gets a bit angsty in this one before things get resolved. But on we go! Not far until the end now.
Chapter 44: Worry and Want
Hermione shifted on the couch in the sitting room of Grimmauld Place, tucking her legs beneath her, Severus's tattered copy of Advanced Potion Making in her lap. She'd charmed the book so that anyone who peered over her shoulder would see it without Severus's spiky scrawls across the pages, but she could still see them clearly—a rather clever bit of magic on her part, she thought.
Ron and Harry were playing wizard's chess in the corner, while Ginny sat across from her, sprawled out on the second couch, reading the latest copy of Witch Weekly.
As she read Severus's notes on Everlasting Elixirs, she tried to ignore the gnawing pit of worry that had been building in her gut ever since receiving Severus's letter. It only made it worse that he had not said where he was going and that she had no way to communicate with him. Not knowing where he was or what he might be doing left her brain spinning with ideas, each one more deadly than the last.
She knew she was being silly and illogical, that Ginny was probably right and he was somewhere dull collecting ingredients or meeting with mundane professionals, but she could not shake the feeling that something might happen and she may never see him again. It only seemed to grow the longer she went without a letter, and she found herself jumpy and distracted, though she tried her best to hide it from her friends.
"Woo! Checkmate!" shouted Ron from the corner and Hermione leapt to her feet, her book spilling from her lap onto the floor, her hand instinctively reaching for her wand.
"You okay, Hermione?" asked Ginny, looking up from her magazine. "You look like you've seen a boggart."
"Yeah," said Hermione, her heart racing in her chest. Ron and Harry were looking at her with curiosity from their table, but said nothing. Taking a breath and scolding herself for being so tightly wound, Hermione lowered her hand away from her wand.
Get a grip on yourself, Hermione.
"You sure?" asked Ginny, not looking convinced. Her one word answer had apparently been enough for Harry and Ron, however, who were already back to their game, Harry brushing the bits of his shattered king onto the floor while Ron reset the board.
"Yes, I'm sure," said Hermione, doing her best to project certainty. "I think I need a walk, that's all." It would be good to get outside, she thought, to feel the fresh air in her lungs, to look at the night sky.
"Want company?" asked Ginny.
"No, I'm all right. I won't be long," said Hermione, gathering the abused book from the floor and making sure it was all right. She took it back to her room and gathered her coat, then headed downstairs and out into the cool evening air.
That feels better, she thought, the knot in her chest releasing slightly as she began to walk. I've just been spending too much time inside the house. There is nothing wrong. He'll be back in a few days.
She turned right and made her way along the row of terraced houses, each one the same as the last. The streets were deserted, and Hermione met no one as she marched along, her hands in her coat pockets.
She turned again and passed several rundown brick apartment buildings before finding herself in front of an open grassy park, the entrance lit dimly by a flickering steel lamppost. She turned onto the green and found a bench beneath a tree near the centre, taking a seat.
She looked up at the sky, the stars partially concealed by clouds and the yellow glow of the city.
"Where are you, Severus?" she asked the sky, the worry beginning to gnaw away inside her again. When a loud crack echoed through the still night air, she felt her body stiffen instinctually. It sounded like someone had Apparated nearby.
You're being paranoid, she told herself. The war is over. No one is coming to get you. Severus is fine and you are fine. Everyone is fine.
But the feelings were already swirling inside her: the fear, the knowledge that someone might be watching her, waiting, wanting her dead; flashes of running in the woods from the snatchers, of warding their camps, of the coldness of the Horcrux, of escaping from the Ministry, of Ron getting splinched, of Malfoy Manor, of Bellatrix laughing, cold and high, screaming "Crucio!"
Gripping her wand within her pocket, she stood up and took a few careful steps forward, her eyes searching for any movement.
There was another crash in the direction of a squat apartment block on the other side of the park from where she entered. Thinking she should just Apparate back to Grimmauld Place, she nevertheless found herself creeping towards the sound. She needed to know, needed to find out if someone was out there searching for her.
As the dirty apartment block came closer, she pinpointed the noises to several large, rectangular rubbish bins near the sidewalk. Someone or something was inside.
Looking around to make sure no Muggles were present, Hermione brought her wand from her pocket, muttering, "Homenum Revelio."
When nothing happened, Hermione approached the bins, which were now making rustling noises. Peering inside, there was a loud hiss as a black shape leapt through the air by her head, making her stumble backwards. Landing next to her, the black shape fixed her with its large yellow feline eyes, hissed again, and slipped across the road into some bushes.
A cat! It was a cat searching through the fucking garbage.
"Jesus, Hermione," she muttered, feeling suddenly stupid. "You're going mad."
Putting her wand away, she walked briskly back to Grimmauld Place, thinking Severus better hurry up and come home before she accidentally jinxed someone who asked her for the time.
"Have a good walk?" asked Ginny as she passed by the sitting room on her way up to her bedroom.
"Yes," said Hermione, not about to tell her friends about her case of paranoia. "I'm going to head to bed."
"Goodnight," said Ginny.
"Night, 'Mione," called Ron from the corner.
"Sleep well," said Harry.
Hermione gave her friends a tight smile and then padded up to her room, shutting the door behind her. She went to her bag, digging into an inside pocket that held several small bottles holding purple fluid she'd made based on the recipe Severus had taught her over the Christmas holidays. Pulling one out, she put on her pajamas, cleaned her teeth, and crawled under the covers. Then she uncorked the small bottle and lifted it to her lips.
Please come home safe, my love, she thought as she swallowed the entire bottle of Dreamless Sleep Potion. Please.
She placed the empty glass container beside her, feeling a wave of sleepiness come over her. She shut her eyes, wishing Severus was lying beside her, and fell asleep.
"Solomon!" Hermione shrieked the following evening as the barn owl swooped into the kitchen, a neat roll of parchment tied to his leg.
"Oh Solomon, I have never been so happy to see you," she said, rubbing the owl's head affectionately. He gave a soft hoot of pleasure and stuck out his leg so she could take the letter from him.
Dear Hermione,
I am home at last. My work ended up being more difficult than I expected, but I was successful in the end. I hope you had a good holiday.
Please send a letter as soon as you can.
Love,
Severus
"A letter my arse," said Hermione, getting up from the table.
"Something wrong, Hermione?" asked Harry, looking up from his plate.
"I'm really sorry, but I have to leave," said Hermione in a rush, her heart feeling like it was being carried off by a bundle of colourful balloons. She leaned over to Solomon. "Go home, Solomon. I'll see you there!"
She practically skipped out of the room, Harry's voice saying, "Well, I guess that means Snape's home," fading into the background as she vaulted up the stairs two at a time, running for her bedroom.
She shoved her things into her bag, not caring whether they got squashed in the process, grabbed Severus's copy of Advanced Potion Making from her nightstand, and ran back down the stirs. Hurrying through the front door, she clutched her things to her chest and Apparated directly to the alleyway near Severus's house.
It was pouring rain outside, but she didn't notice as she sprinted for his house, feet splashing in the puddled street.
"Severus!" she yelled, banging on the door. "Severus!"
"One minute!" she heard him yell from inside after several minutes of banging. And then he was there, standing in front of her in his work robe, his hair falling in front of his face and his black eyes staring at her in surprise.
She launched herself at him, dropping her things on the floor as she flung her arms around his neck.
"Oh, Severus! You're home! You're all right!"
She felt his arms come around her and then his face nuzzle into her hair.
"Nice to see you too," he chuckled. "Can I at least close the door?"
"Who cares about the door! I was so worried about you. Where did you go? Why didn't you say? Why couldn't I send you any letters?" Hermione rambled, all the questions she had asked herself over the last weeks tumbling out of her mouth. And then all her emotions seemed to build inside her like a Swelling Solution—worry and relief and joy and fear—and she began sobbing into his shoulder uncontrollably, it all spilling out of her as she clutched him in her arms.
"Hermione, what's wrong?" Severus asked, placing his hand on her cheek and looking at her with concern.
"I was so worried," Hermione said, tears dripping down her face as she smiled at him. "I know it's silly but I thought… if something happened to you while you were gone. I had no idea where you were. If you didn't come home on time, I'd have no idea where to look."
Severus smiled at her, kissing her nose. "I'm perfectly fine," he said, stroking her jaw. "And I really do need to close the door before my sitting room floods."
Hermione made a noise of protest but unlatched her arms from his shoulders, wrapping one arm around his waist instead so he could close the door.
"Come with me upstairs," he said. "I'm in the middle of brewing something."
Hermione grabbed Severus's hand, unwilling to lose her grip on him, and he led them upstairs to the attic. A silver cauldron was in the middle of the room, steaming away brightly on the table. Sitting next to it were several ingredients. Her curiosity overtaking her need to hold onto Severus, she dropped his hand and walked over to the the group of oddly shaped bottles. She recognized a bottle of Runespoor eggs; linseeds, which he had ground in a mortar; turmeric, bright yellow in its jar; bright blue Jobberknoll feathers; raven's eyes, which looked like round black beads; and knackers crumpet, which she'd seen in the potions stores at Hogwarts, but had never used herself.
"Are those woodstar wings?" Hermione asked, pointing to a jar of tiny purple and black wings in a jar. She'd seen photos of them in a Potions book she'd looked through in Severus's rooms at Hogwarts, but had never seen them in person before.
"They are," said Severus, coming up behind her and putting his hand lightly on her waist. He smiled at her, his eyes glistening in amusement.
Hermione looked into the largest jar, which was filled with some sort of organ floating in clear liquid. It was a dull red, and she realized it was beating slightly within the glass.
"What is that?" she asked curiously, pointing. It wasn't something she remembered ever seeing. Or at least, it did not immediately give itself away as any ingredient she knew of. If she had to guess, she'd say is was an overgrown cow's heart.
"Something worth more than either of us," said Severus, a scowl flashing over his face. Hermione frowned at him, putting her hands on her hips.
"Yes, but what is it?" she asked huffily. Something flickered in Severus's eyes, as if he was making a decision.
"It's a Kinmode heart," he said.
Hermione's eyebrows raised into her hair, questioning what she had just heard. She'd read about Kinmode hearts, but they weren't an ingredient used often. And there was a reason for that. "But Severus, those are really really rare," she said. "Like impossible to get rare."
"Not impossible," said Severus with a twitch of his lips.
"Is that what you were doing? Buying a Kinmode heart for a potion?" asked Hermione, not sure why he wouldn't have simply told her that. "Didn't you just say it cost more than both of us?"
"Not buying," he said smoothly. "Acquiring would be more accurate."
"Are you saying you actually went and harvested a Kinmode heart?" Hermione asked, her voice rising into a shout. "Are you insane? I should have been worried! Merlin, Severus, why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you at least. You could have been killed!"
"I am perfectly sane and was not going to be killed, thank you," said Severus curtly, his robes swishing as he turned to his potion and began to stir. After several clockwise turns, he measured out a dose of crushed flaxseed and dropped it into the cauldron, stirring it three more times anticlockwise and then turning the heat down to a low simmer.
"Severus," said Hermione, lowering her voice. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to… wherever it is you get Kinmode hearts?"
"I wasn't planning on telling you—not yet, anyway," said Severus, who seemed pleased with the state of his potion and turned back to her. "Honestly, I was expecting a letter in reply to mine, not all of you."
"Why?" asked Hermione, feeling suddenly hurt. Why was he being so cryptic? Why was he hiding things from her? Why did he not want her here?
"As I said, I cannot tell you—not yet," said Severus.
"And why can't you?" she asked.
"Hermione, stop asking questions I can't give you answers to," Severus snapped, rubbing his temples.
"Why are you being so damn mysterious about this?" asked Hermione incredulously, feeling anger rising along with the hurt.
Hermione looked away from him, not wanting to look him in the eyes. Weren't you supposed to tell the person you loved everything? She felt hot tears bubbling behind her eyes again. This time, though, there was no joy or relief mixed in with the worry and hurt.
"I'm sorry, Hermione," said Severus, taking her hand. "I promise, if things go as I plan, I will tell you everything soon."
Hermione huffed and looked at him sideways through her hair. He was looking at her pleadingly, concern etched into his face.
"Hermione, I would tell you if I could," he said.
"This isn't some potion for St. Mungo's is it?" asked Hermione, feeling her heart soften but still feeling slighted.
"No, it is not," said Severus, still holding onto her hand.
"It's not dangerous, is it?" she asked, slightly worried what he might think she meant by the question, but feeling the need to ask anyway.
"No, it's not dangerous."
"Do you promise you'll tell me when you can?" Hermione asked, taking a step closer to him.
"I promise," said Severus, pulling her closer.
Hermione sighed and found herself wrapping her arms around him, any hurt evaporating with his promise. Severus enveloped her in his arms, kissing the top of her head.
"I'm afraid I need to stay and finish this now it's started," he said. "Kinmode heart isn't something you waste."
"Can I stay, at least?" Hermione asked. "I won't bother you. I just don't want to leave."
"You can stay," said Severus. "I'm sorry I can't be better company."
"Nonsense," said Hermione. "I'm just glad you're home. Seeing you is more than enough."
"I'm afraid my potion is calling," said Severus. Hermione looked over and noticed it had changed from a light lilac to a deep chocolate brown.
Hermione let him go, going to his desk, which was scattered with pieces of parchment. She sat down, picking one up.
She read the words "Jobberknoll feathers and Runespoor eggs should adequately enhance" before it vanished from her hand and she was staring at a clean maplewood desktop.
"Not yet, my love," said Severus, lowering his wand as Hermione glared at him, then turning back to his potion.
"Can I at least brew something myself?" asked Hermione in a huff.
"Of course," said Severus, tipping several raven's eyes into his brew. "You can use the brass cauldron over there," he added, nodding his head towards the wall where several cauldrons were stacked one on top of the other.
Hermione smiled and hopped off her chair, levitating the brass cauldron Severus had indicated onto the other table. She went to his maple shelves, selecting several ingredients, thinking she would practice one of the Everlasting Elixirs she had been studying the other night.
She glanced over at Severus, who was carefully chopping the Knackers Crumpets into tiny, uniform pieces. His face was passive, almost as if he was in a trance as his hands worked efficiently, gracefully lifting and lowering the silver blade. She loved watching his hands as he worked; they were skilled and oddly beautiful.
Smiling to herself, she filled her cauldron with water and then opened up a jar of snake fangs, tipping a handful onto her table.
Several hours later Hermione found herself half asleep with her head resting on her arms on Severus's desk, her potion long since complete. She yawned and Severus's black form grew blurry as her eyes watered, barely able to stay open.
"Don't you ever get tired?" she mumbled.
"I'm afraid I do not have the luxury of tiredness," said Severus, glancing back at her quickly before returning to his careful stirring of the brew. "You, however, should go to bed."
"Hrmph," muttered Hermione.
"I'm afraid I don't speak sloth," said Severus.
"Let me cast a Translation Spell for you then," said Hermione, making a lazy circle with her wand but not really casting anything. "Hrmph," she mumbled again, making Severus chuckle.
"I didn't realize sloths had a word for 'stubborn Gryffindor witch who won't go to bed," he replied.
"Sloths are surprisingly eloquent," quipped Hermione.
"As eloquent as you are, you should really go to bed," said Severus. "This is going to take about four more hours."
"Ugh, I am never becoming a Potions Master," muttered Hermione. "Fine, I will go to bed."
After a moment, she forced her head up off the desk and felt suddenly dizzy. "Nope, too hard, I'm staying here," she said, collapsing back onto her arms.
"Bed, now," said Severus forcefully, but she could hear the humour in his tone. "I mean it, witch, or I will stun you and banish you down those stairs."
"You can't do that without ruining your potion," said Hermione cheekily, but she got up from the desk, taking a moment to steady herself before walking up to Severus and hugging him from behind.
"How about I stay here?" Hermione mumbled into the back of his robes, feeling his warmth spread through her chest and arms.
"I am a poor substitute for a bed, especially when standing, I'm afraid," said Severus, rubbing her arms with his free hand, the other continuously stirring of the cauldron.
"You are no fun," complained Hermione.
"There's plenty of time for fun tomorrow," said Severus, chuckling. "Go to bed, my witch. I'll see you in the morning."
Hermione sighed, letting him go and reaching up and giving him a kiss.
"Don't be too late if you can help it, love," said said. "Goodnight."
Severus glanced sideways at her. "Sweet dreams. I'm sorry I can't share them with you."
"I'll try to include you in mine, okay?" said Hermione, suddenly overcome by a yawn.
"Go," said Severus, poking her leg with his foot.
Hermione kissed him on the cheek once again and then reluctantly turned and made her way towards the door. She turned back to look at Severus a final time, his tall, black form rising in the centre of the room, before padding down the steps.
With the knowledge that Severus was safely back home and the scent of him filling her nose as she cuddled into his bed, she did not need a potion that night to fall into a long and restful sleep.
