Chapter Fifty
Monday 4th May
23:02
Home
I was meant to have a day off today but I just could do it. Watson tried to take me aside when I showed up and said she was worried about me but I dismissed her. I just have to keep going. I have to work hard every second that I can stand it because otherwise I know I'm just going to fall apart.
It's been a week since I lost my beautiful Joey and I have missed her for every second. I'm trying so hard to keep everything together but I'm struggling. It's like, I can put my uniform on and I feel like an indestructible cop. I'm feeling a little reckless about things and I know I've been throwing myself into situations too much and too hard. But it's all I can think to do.
Every moment that I'm not working, I'm a mess. I wake up crying, I weep in the shower and I cry myself to sleep at night. At this rate, I think I'm actually going to run out of tears. I feel like my heart has physically been ripped out. I'm so empty except for this terrible, terrible ache and pain inside me. It's too much to bear. I can't live like this. But I don't know what else I'm meant to do.
I miss Joey. I'd give anything to take everything back. I wish there was a way I could make it all up to her. But as each day passes, I'm losing hope that she's ever coming home. I hate myself.
Wednesday 6th May
21:00
Home
Well, I think it's safe to say that I am not the only person falling apart in this town. My day started pretty early as usual. We've been keeping our eye on this drug dealer for a little while now and tried to bust him earlier but he had nothing on him and there was no case to answer so we had to let him go.
But then poor Aden got involved. Apparently this guy, Russell, has sold drugs to Belle in the past. It's obviously a sensitive issue for Aden and when he saw him dealing later, he decided to bust him himself.
Alf had already spotted him and called us. Just as we arrived, Aden was laying into Russell but both he and the guy that he was selling to, got away which only made the situation worse. Aden was furious and quite aggressive but I tried to handle it politely. I know he's under a lot of stress. He's lost Belle through her drug addiction, which, considering his history with his Dad and what that meant for his life, must cut him deeply. And now he's been caught sleeping with Nicole and lost his house. He's living alone in a little caravan and I honestly feel very sorry for him.
I'd never really spent that much time with him until Joey came along. I feel bonded with him somehow and I want to look out for him as much as I can. Technically, he wrecked his good behaviour bond today but there's no way I'm turning him in.
I talked it through with him a bit and tried to make him understand that he can't wage a single handed war against drugs. Unfortunately, they're likely to always be around messing up people's lives. And Aden can't protect Belle forever. When she leaves rehab, she's going to have to stand up and defend herself. He can't shield her from it all forever. She has to do this on her own at least to a degree.
Anyway, later on the day, clearly undeterred from so many close calls, Russell was at it again and this time we caught him. He's likely to serve a spell in jail and I hope it's going to be for a long while. The more people like that we get off our streets, the better if you ask me.
I was forced to leave work a bit earlier today. I tried to stay for as long as I could but I was literally forced by Watson and Avery to go home. They said I was clearly washed out and I guess they're right. I am pretty exhausted.
Ruby was home when I got in and we had a chat but she tried to talk about Joey and it was too much for me. I busied her by letting her tell me about school.
It sounds like Geoff and Claudia have got a little complicated – something to do with another guy or something – and he's pissing Rubes and Annie off by moping so much about it. She admitted to snapping at him about and telling him to just go for it if he really likes her.
But I couldn't stall her any longer and she confronted me about Joey. She said that I didn't seem to be myself anymore and she was worried about me. She pointed out that she hasn't actually seen me in days and I just broke down. I've been holding it together in public all this time but I lost control tonight. I told her exactly how I feel and cried in her arms for ages. She was really sweet and loving.
I've cried over Joey plenty of times since we broke up but not with people. I've always just worked myself out and handled it by myself. Crying on Ruby helped, even if I do think it's completely inappropriate for her to support me. Whether she knows it or not, I'm her mother and I'm the one who should be taking care of my daughter, not the other way around. But I appreciated it. I think it helped.
She ran me a hot bath, which also helped, although I did sit in the water and cry all over again. I just couldn't stop thinking about when Joey and I had a bath together. That was really nice. It was one of the last proper romantic things we did together before she found out what kind of bitch she was dating and decided to leave me. It made me feel sad. Sad is an understatement of course but I don't have the energy to think of another adjective. I don't think there is another adjective to explain quite how I'm feeling. No word seems quite good enough. Just like me, I guess.
After my bath, I went downstairs to get a hot chocolate before bed. Leah had just arrived home from a rather disastrous dinner with Miles, Kirsty and Roman. Apparently Roman is becoming even more of a nightmare and he's really pushing people away. Kirsty finally had enough of his behaviour and called him on it. Leah said he was pretty shaken at being given some of the home truths on offer and it all ended rather badly. I can understand the frustration. By all accounts, he really is a nightmare. But having had that chat with him the other day, I can also understand where he's coming from. I think I will try and go round and see him tomorrow. Maybe we could talk some more. Maybe I could help. I've got to be of some use to someone somewhere someday, right?
I might try and actually get a proper night's sleep tonight. It's not exactly been easy for the past few days and Watson, Avery and Ruby are all absolutely right – I am working too hard. But I honestly can't figure out an alternative way to behave. I miss Joey as if I've lost an arm or a leg or something. So quickly, even before we properly got together, Joey became such a huge part of my life. I feel like I can't do anything without her. My life feels so empty. And I'm not even halfway through her time away. How the hell am I going to survive this?
Joey, I love you. Please come home.
Thursday 7th May
22:49
Home
Well, even if I didn't want to work all the hours God sends, I have no choice, it seems. Today, a hand washed up on the sand. Yep, a hand. Detached from the body. And quite possibly bitten off by a shark. I feel sick just thinking about it. And I'm the mug who has to lead the investigation, although my bosses have said that they are thinking of bringing in Marine Area Command, which ought to help.
It all started this afternoon when Miles took VJ down to the beach to hang out with him for a bit. Until the accident, VJ has been very used to spending time with Roman but obviously, that hasn't really been happening lately. Roman doesn't want to see anyone – no pun intended and he's not exactly in a good mood.
Anyway, Miles and VJ were hanging out when they found this dismembered hand in the sand. My team and I charged down and quite frankly, I'm absolutely exhausted now. We were fielding the press and being crowded by all the locals from the start. We had to treat it as a crime scene and get the hand off to the Medical Examiner immediately. We haven't heard anything back yet but we should do tomorrow.
There is now a theory (which I think is probably correct) being passed round that the hand was bitten off by a shark. I can't even begin to describe the wave of terror that going on. It's like living in the Jaws movies!
Miles started it. I told him to keep it quiet. But he must have said something to Leah because that's what she thinks too. Naturally, she is very freaked out and I'm worried about poor VJ more than anyone. He was the one who actually found it. He must have been terrified.
Anyway, the theory has spread like wildfire now and it's very much a 'don't go in the water' kind of thing. We've been fielding calls from the media and the general public, which never helps us get on with our work. But the team worked really well and I feel largely unscathed by it – although Alf and John did lay into me a bit. They're panicked about it affecting this Winter Carnival they're arranging.
It's a day like this when I miss Joey more than ever. She would have made this day easier to handle. She would have supported me, taken care of me and made me laugh. Everything was easier when Joey was around. I just wished I'd damn well remembered that before I screwed Hugo and screwed up my whole damn life!
Saturday 9th May
00:52
Home
Just when I thought my fucking life couldn't get any fucking worse it fucking well has! Ugh, I can't even write about it.
Please come back and save me, Joey. Please! I can't live without you. I need you! Please!
I'm going to call her.
Saturday 9th May
01:01
Home
She didn't pick up of course. But I rang a few times and listened to her voice. I love her so much. Why did I have to realise just what she meant to me when it was already too late? Three months is already feeling like forever. I just want her to come back now. I know it will be hard for her to trust me again but I am absolutely certain that we can make it work. I know we can. If only she'd try...
Saturday 8th May
23:57
Home
The last few days have been crazy. I still can't get my head around them. At least I'm keeping busy, I guess. But it's these moments when I'm alone that I start feeling sad again. Well, sadder than when I'm trying to keep everything together. It's these moments when I miss Joey so much more. I never thought I'd need someone so much. And to be honest, I don't think I realised there would ever be a moment when she was gone. I think I thought she'd be here no matter what I did. I thought she'd put up with anything. Serves me right. Stupid fucking bitch, I am.
Anyway, the big, bad news of the last couple of days is that Constable Angelo Rosetta is back. Yep, the man that killed Jack. He's out of jail and he's back on the police force. He's now working for Marina Area Command and he's been brought in to lead the whole shark attack investigation.
Obviously everyone is sickened and horrified. If he had to go free (which is just wrong if you ask me), then he shouldn't still be on the force! How can anyone justify that? Moving departments isn't exactly a punishment, is it? How can a murderer be working for the police like this? How can he be put in a position where he is serving and protecting a community? And worse than that, how can he be within our community where the family and widow of the man he killed still live? It's wrong. It's sick and it's wrong.
My day started by the Medical Examiner confirming that the hand VJ found has indeed been bitten off by a shark. I tried to stall the press for a bit but Miles let the cat out of the bag, insisting that it was for public safety. I honestly don't know what was the right decision about telling people but it has definitely made our job harder. People are (naturally) going crazy over it.
And then Marine Area Command and fucking Angelo came in. I thought I was going to pass out when I saw him. I tried so hard not to freak but all I wanted to do was shove him right back out the door and tell him never to show his face in Summer Bay again. Ugh! Just thinking about him being back makes me so angry. How could this have happened? He should be rotting in jail or... I don't know.
Maybe it wasn't murder. I mean, he didn't mean to kill Jack. But he still left him there. He left him dead and alone and then he played the big hero with Martha when all along the reason she was a widow was because of him. How can he live with himself? How are any of us going to manage to live with him?
The police station is in uproar. Everyone hates him and they've made it extremely clear. Watson has been particularly scathing. And I can't blame any of them. But it's also not helpful to the investigation. I tried to get him transferred but my bosses refused. We're stuck with him. So the only thing I can think to do is get on with him and with it and get this investigation done with as quickly as possible. He's already told me that he's just here for the investigation and he'll be leaving once it's done. So perhaps if we can bring ourselves to work with him, we can get it over with as quickly as possible and then he can fuck off out of here. Fingers crossed, anyway.
He's screwed up already, of course and he's making life even harder for himself that it might otherwise be. He approached Tony, which was possibly the right thing. I don't know. Who knows what's better – finding out by chance that the man who killed your son is back in town and still part of the police service, or being told by him? I don't think there is a better way, to be honest. Obviously Tony freaked. That's natural. And I hear that ever since he told Martha, she's been hiding out in the farm, afraid of running into him.
I found Angelo in the Surf Club and Alf was laying into him. I don't blame him. He's Martha's grandfather. But I felt the need to step in. I don't think it's a good idea to give Angelo attention. He seems a different man to the person I knew once before but certain traits don't go away and he does like attention and stuff – good or bad. But more than that, I don't think it's a good idea to be awful to him. He needs to be allowed to get on with his job and then get the hell out of town.
He thanked me for helping him but I told him in no uncertain terms it was work thing and nothing else. I certainly can't bring myself to feel sorry for him. Just looking at him or even thinking about it makes my stomach turn, especially with the history we have. I feel as sick about sleeping with him as I do about my horrific night with Hugo. Those are two of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I hate that I was with Angelo because of who he turned out to be. And I hate that I spent the night with Hugo because I cost myself one of the two people who are more important to me than anything. Having Angelo back in town just rams home just how awful I am. I have bad taste in men and I finally had good taste in women and I just wrecked it. Every time I think it's impossible to hate myself more, I do. This is a horrible life to live. And it's all my fault.
But anyway, today, Xavier saw Angelo in the Diner and laid into him. He accidentally revealed that Martha was hiding at the farm and dipshit Angelo thought it would be a good idea to go and see her. He apparently apologised, giving some well rehearsed speech of regret but he just terrified her and made a terrible situation a million times worse. But after that, Martha managed to confront him and tell him exactly what she thought of him. She made it crystal clear that she hates him and isn't scared of him or his presence in our town. Good for her.
Anyway, back to the shark attack. It turns out that without knowing what was going on, Hugo went out on a dive. Apparently he was looking for new spots in order to reinvigorate his business. Anyway, Martha and Xavier were fretting about him the moment they realised that he could potentially be in danger. And he arrived back in town today, having indeed been bitten by a shark.
I had to go to the hospital and I saw the wound. It looked pretty nasty but Rachel said it was much cleaner than she'd expect it to be for that kind of attack. It turns out that after it happened, he spent the night collapsed on his boat. He bandaged him up and just about managed to go home but resisted going to the hospital because he didn't want to panic anyone. Colleen of all people found him first so the whole thing has only added fuel to the fire. But it's a bit too late to make things worse, I guess. Oops – those have got to be terribly famous last words! I hope Summer Bay doesn't turn into Jaws! That would be horrific.
And I haven't dared let myself write it yet but I know I have to. I don't want to put it in words in case it comes true but the fact is, there's a shark out there somewhere and the love of my life is out at sea. The chances are, she's far, far away from here by now. But what if she's not? What if she's in danger? What if there's nothing I can do to save her? What if something happens to her and she never knows just how much I love her? What if she never comes home and I can never prove myself?
Even if she never wants to see me again, I just want her to be safe. I need her to be safe. I'm the fuckwit that sent her out to sea. I'm the one who hurt her so much that she sailed away from me. What if I sent her to her death? Or to some kind of injury? If something happens to Joey, it will all be my fault. And that's a truth that I really will never recover from.
I have genuinely tried calling her and I did leave a voicemail, asking if she is safe and warning her about the shark. I haven't heard anything and I can't stop looking at my phone. But I guess if she's out at sea, she won't have got the message, would she? I wonder, when she does pick it up, if she'll reply? Will she put my mind at rest? Will she even care?
My darling, darling Joey. Where are you? Please be safe, my love.
Sunday 10th May
23:43
Home
Every time I think we've had the worst day, things turn more dire. I still haven't heard anything from Joey and I know it's not a surprise but I just miss her so much and I am so, so worried about her.
It would have been our one month anniversary this coming Wednesday. We made so many happy plans for it but now she's gone and we won't have a chance to celebrate. All I can hope is that I will get another chance.
Things have been so crazy here though. I'd say she was safer out at sea if it wasn't for the presence of sharks. I mean, I know it's not a shock to know they're out there. Where the hell else would they live? But I guess I've never really thought about them before. The thought of Joey getting hurt though... more than I've already hurt her, destroys my soul.
But anyway, poor VJ has been a total mess. He was so shaken by the whole hand in a sand thing and today, Leah took him to a counsellor at the hospital. She managed to get him an emergency appointment but VJ didn't want to talk.
On Miles' suggestion, she took him over to see Roman and after some initial reluctance, Roman was happy to help. And Leah says that VJ was a lot happier by the end of it so she thinks he's made some progress. Obviously having been a soldier, Roman knows about terrifying situations and VJ has always got along with him really well. I haven't seen him yet because he was in bed by the time I got home but I'm glad he's making progress. Poor little guy.
Angelo is still in town, working on the case. I don't think he's a murderer, even though I know I've said that a lot of times in here. Mostly, that was fury talking. I'm feeling protective of Martha more than anything. She's been through so damn much and she's just getting her life back together. I know she's still judging me for what happened with Hugo but I can hardly blame her for that. I'm judging me. I hate me. Joey hates me. And I'm never going to forgive myself, even if I were to be lucky enough to win her back.
As usual, I'm getting distracted with my longing for Joey. I believe I was talking about Angelo. I'm trying to be all business about everything because if stop focussing on the day and the practicalities then I will fall apart the same as I do every night. I can already feel the tears brimming because the more I try to stop thinking about her, the more I'm thinking about her. Geez, why can't I just stop crying for a second?
For fuck's sake, Charlie! Stop it!
Next time… Charlie pines for Joey on what would have been their one month anniversary, Irene is accused of murdering Lou and injuring a police officer and there are two new arrivals in Summer Bay…
