Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied AD/GG
Author Notes: So, now I'm getting impatient because the crucial chapters will follow this short one o.O this is the fluff before the storm, or something like that :). Some foreshadowing of the next chapter. And some creative prankster records XD.
soniakay: I'm so happy that you liked the last paragraph. And you know, I always feel jealous of the both of them, too ;).
Resevius: You are very welcome :D. Yeah, my miserable days are over, luckily :). I'm looking forward to Albus's death too ^^ but I'm also a little sorry that he dies because I can never write him again, only as a portrait.
Kiraling: Oh, I hope you had a good journey and are feeling comfortable where you are now :) some more information about Mr Lupin in this chapter, it's interesting that everybody had their own picture of him ... Somehow my picture is very clear, even though there is almost no information about him in the books. Glad you liked the map :) and yeah, Remus's place really is some sort of outside world. Oh, no, it was not from a real book, I wrote this myself :) all the happier that you liked it. Yes, it was my hate-Harry chapter too ;).
SadisticCarrotcake: Sorry for the wait :D, I'm hurrying. But I'm glad that you think it's worth it.
NatheRiver: No, you didn't last time, but thank you for this review, arigatou gozaimasu~ ;). I certainly disliked Harry very much in this chapter, no matter what kind of relationship they had ... and I was really surprised that Sev only gave him detention ^^ yeah, the end of th book, I'm excited :D.
rethec: Thank you, I'm waiting for the moment that you read that moment and tell me what you thought of it :).
Time
Not even Remus's reminder that Severus had once told Potter that he never wanted to see him in his office again could keep Severus from organising Potter's detention on Saturday morning. In fact, it only made him more eager to lock the boy up in a dark room while his team were playing Quidditch, and no sounds, no windows, no news to tell if they were winning or losing. Another thing was caused by Remus's remarks, they had given Severus the idea to visit Filch and borrow a few boxes of detention records that were so old that the cards they were written on threatened to fall apart or be eaten by all the vermin crawling about the caretaker's office. Filch thanked him in high tones when he announced that he had a student to copy the records on fresh cards – Filch had been complaining about his precious prankster-records fading away for ages. Hovering the boxes to his office, Severus smirked a little, thinking of Remus's scandalised face when he had told him of his plans. But really, it was the werewolf's fault.
"Harry might just catch up with his father in terms of the number of detentions, now that you make him come to you every Saturday," was what he had said with a worried grin, "though maybe that record of three-hundred and fifty-seven might still be out of reach."
And immediately, Severus had had a wonderful detention for Potter. He was creative about detentions, otherwise over the years it would have become very dull. After all, he was holding a record too, the record of the teacher who had handed out the most detentions, one thousand and sixty eight. But Remus's scandalised look was far more interesting than that right now, it had looked rather … no, Snape, stop being silly.
"I shall have Potter copy your mischief records, what do you think?" Severus had asked and Remus had ogled him. "He can get a better understanding of the people he considers his fathers."
Of course he hadn't meant to upset Remus and in the end, after a few minutes of racking his brains, Remus had seemed reassured that he hadn't been caught so many times after all, only once in a while. Still he kept his disapproving opinion because he found that Potter should not see only this side of his father. But Severus disagreed, Potter had such a distorted hero-image of his father that it would do him some good to be confronted with the truth.
When ten o'clock approached, Severus took a look at the boxes he had brought and found those that contained Potter's father's crimes. He conjured a table for the boy and waited until there was a knock on the door and Potter entered, his face utterly disgruntled and hateful – some things never changed. Severus wondered what Potter would feel once Severus told him he would have to die.
"Ah, Potter," said Severus softly, noticing that Potter was eyeing the table with the boxes on it. "Mr Filch has been looking for someone to clear out these old files. They are records of other Hogwarts wrongdoers and their punishments. Where the ink has grown faint, or the cards have suffered damage from mice, we would like you to copy out the crimes and punishments afresh and, making sure that they are in alphabetical order, replace them in the boxes. You will not use magic." He thought he was behaving rather civilly but Potter seemed to disagree.
"Right, Professor," he said in contempt and Severus wondered if he had already forgotten that Severus had caught him almost killing Draco.
"I thought you could start with boxes one thousand and twelve to one thousand and fifty-six," said Severus with a malicious smile. "You will find some familiar names in there, which should add interest to the task. Here you see …" And he reached for a card from one of the boxes to read it out to Potter. "'James Potter and Sirius Black. Apprehended using an illegal hex upon Bertram Aubrey. Aubrey's head twice normal size. Double detention,'" he paused to sneer at Potter before he continued stabbing, "It must be such a comfort to think that, though they are gone, a record of their great achievements remains …"
Severus could actually hear Potter fuming as he sat down and got to work, but the pleasure Severus felt while the boy worked didn't come from the boy's dismay but from the messages Remus had written him, and put between his papers. At first he thought it was a little strange of Remus to write "enjoying yourself?" on a slip of parchment and lay it on his desk. But then he found another one and another and it was like an inward conversation, which made Severus realise just how well Remus knew him. It made him forget that Potter was there.
"You have to admit that it stops being fun as soon as his initial anger has disappeared," said the second slip of parchment. And Severus agreed only reluctantly even though Remus wasn't even there.
"You could be spending this time with me, you know?" said the third slip and Severus knew that Remus had written it very deliberately. It sent Severus sulking a little, half at himself and half at Remus.
"I know it is too late to take those detentions back, you can think of me instead, I will know, I always know." Severus liked this message best, though he found ten others when he looked through his papers, most of them meant to make his time sweeter, he was sure. When he had found them all, he laid them out on his table and looked at them with affection. He managed not to snort at himself. After a while, he noticed the rumbling of Potter's stomach and the emptiness of his own, but since it was only a quarter to twelve and he had planned to keep Potter for at least three hours, he decided to bear it for a while longer.
Rummaging through his papers to see if he had missed a message, he indeed found a last one on the very surface of the desk saying, "I'll be waiting for you just behind your back, so you don't keep the poor boy too long."
Severus wasn't sure whether to be glad or angry that he hadn't found the message sooner. He looked up at the clock which showed ten past one and decided that Potter had been punished enough and that Remus had been kept waiting too long. "I think that will do," he said coldly, suddenly feeling the urge to be rid of Potter. "Mark the place you have reached. You will continue at ten o'clock next Saturday."
"Yes, sir," said Potter and stuck a card into the box without even looking at it to storm out of the office, no doubt finding his house celebrating. Severus had no illusions about the luck of Gryffindor. It was like God was a Gryffindor. Well, at least Remus was one.
"Oh, no!" said the werewolf when Severus found him in his sitting room, apparently anticipating news on the Quidditch Cup that Severus didn't have. "You will have to find out who won the Cup and come back. You left me so curious."
Severus glared at him but Remus smiled stubbornly and so Severus gave in to his own curiosity and tried the staff room, where he hoped to find McGonagall. And he did find her.
"Oh, in the name of Salazar Slytherin," he groaned as red and gold confetti caught in his hair, "this can't be right!"
Several faces turned to him and McGonagall approached him, beaming, with a glass of her best Scotch and an extremely impertinent air of triumph. "Severus!" she exclaimed and he thought she might have had three glasses of Scotch already. "We've been waiting for you! Everybody missed your scowling face, ruining the mood!"
It was a glare, not a scowl that Severus gave her, but he couldn't find it in himself to decline the Scotch. "Very funny," he growled, trying to keep his dignity. "I fear I have to congratulate you once again. Though I have the strong impression that something can't be right with those Gryffindors, winning when everybody believes them to lie dead on the floor."
"Don't be such a spoilsport, Severus," scolded McGonagall, waving her wand to make red and gold garlands fly around his neck, "even Filius is celebrating with us. Why don't you grant us some fun in these dark times, it is not as if you had never had the Quidditch Cup in your possession for years!"
"Well, I suppose it is Gryffindor's golden age," said Severus, shrugging off the red and gold garlands, and took a sip of his Scotch.
"You bet it is," agreed McGonagall smugly, "and taking away my Captain didn't gain you anything."
"Yes, yes," said Severus dismissively, "keep the bloody Cup. I hope I managed to make the game a little more exciting at least."
"Your team was unlucky this year, Severus," remarked McGonagall unnecessarily, scrutinising him like a therapist her patient. "You didn't seem very upset about that, and it doesn't seem to bother you as much as it usually did."
"The world is unlucky," replied Severus softly, letting his eyes wander over the staff who were indeed having a merry party, and it was actually Flitwick making the confetti rain from the ceiling. The threat of the Dark Lord's plans might not have existed. "Most of my students have parents or relatives in prison. Quidditch isn't one of my or their priorities any longer."
"But it can be a distraction," McGonagall pointed out, her hand on Severus's arm, "a way to cope, to escape from dark everyday life."
"There comes a point when you cannot escape anymore," said Severus. "I've seen it, I've experienced it. I comprehend these children."
There was a longer silence in which McGonagall seemed to have left the party with Severus, looking just as serious as him. "Why don't you stay with us and enjoy the party, you don't have to be happy about Gryffindor's victory, you could just join your colleagues and celebrate with them," suggested she after a while but she knew just as well as Severus that he would decline.
"I am not like you, I do not feel comfortable here," he said and handed her back the empty Scotch glass. "Thank you. Enjoy it while it lasts." When he turned to leave, picking up the garlands for Remus's pleasure, he felt McGonagall's eyes on his back and he knew that she would not hold him back, quite aware that he wouldn't be convinced to stay.
"And?" asked Remus, trying to sound less eager than Severus knew he felt. But he couldn't blame him, after all Severus still felt like a Slytherin too. He produced the garlands from behind his back and draped them over Remus's shoulders. "Oh, that's just great!" said the werewolf, looking as taken aback as Severus had felt.
"Yes," drawled Severus and received an apologetic smile and an enticing kiss that seemed to last longer than Potter's detention. "You Gryffindors …"
"Are you upset?" asked Remus carefully and held Severus at arm's length by the shoulders, searching his face. "You don't seem frustrated enough."
Severus shook his head. "No, I only feel a slight irritation at the fact that Gryffindor seems to win everything when everything seems lost," he replied and gave Remus, as a representative of Gryffindor, a suspicious look. "I have a strong feeling that Albus has a hand in all this. As if he wanted Potter to have as pleasant a childhood as possible."
Remus's smile was in-between uncertain and understanding. "And if it is so," he said slowly, "can you blame him?"
Severus huffed and grumbled but he shook his head, for he knew what Remus didn't, that the boy would have to die. Why not make his life a good one until it must end? And leave Remus in the certainty that Potter would have a wonderful long life even after the war. It was too late now to tell Remus the truth, to tell Remus anything that Albus had told Severus.
He twisted both his arms, the left one with the Dark Mark burned into it, the right one with the Unbreakable Vow bonding it to Narcissa's. It would be relieving to be rid of at least one of them. Oh, but he shouldn't think that, after all it would mean Albus's death. He shuddered. Remus's tender hands cupped his face.
"What's on your mind?" asked the werewolf as Severus looked into his eyes. "Not all those unpleasant things again? I thought that lately you seemed free of such dark thoughts."
Severus managed a smile and shook his head. "No, my crimes seem to fade away, the more I look at you," he said quietly, and Remus seemed to feel flattered, picking red and gold confetti out of Severus's long hair. "Your crimes on the other hand," continued Severus and trailed off, turning to return to his office, Remus jogging after him.
"Oh, no, Severus," he groaned upon seeing the old boxes in Severus's office, "why don't we let the past rest?"
But Severus had already started searching for Remus's name in the records that Potter was supposed to copy. He pulled out a card, ignoring Remus's moan of dismay and read it aloud.
"'James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Caught in the act of blowing up a toilet while there was someone sitting on it,'" he paused, taken aback and raised a disapproving eyebrow at Remus who was burying his face in his hands. "'A month's detention.' Really? While there was someone sitting on it? I would have expected more style and subtlety from you."
"I swear I had no idea that Davie was in there!" insisted Remus quickly. "And it wasn't exactly my idea, now, was it? I just … tagged along. Third year, right?"
Severus glanced at the date. "Yes, indeed, it seems your criminal spirit unfolded at a very early age," he replied silkily and took another card from the same box. "'Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Caught out of bed after curfew, laying out soap on the marble staircase.'" Again he gave Remus a look, but the werewolf couldn't suppress a grin and waved a hand.
"Please read on," he said quietly.
"'Victim of their petty crime: Argus Filch. Two broken arms. A dozen detentions,'" finished Severus and his voice drifted off into a snigger. "Well, you seem to have been doubly unlucky."
"I never came up with these things," said Remus defensively, but seemed to realise that it sounded simply like giving in to peer pressure. "All right, I shouldn't have let them talk me into it … but I never hexed anyone and I never intentionally hurt anyone. I do admit that it was fun sometimes …"
Severus shook his head in mock scolding and produced yet another card. "'James Potter, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Caught creating a pitfall in front of the Great Hall. Detention and letters to families due to injuries of staff and students,'" Severus read and remembered that particular incident in fifth year. Remus was shaking his head at himself with an abashed expression. "'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter and Sirius Black. Caught in the grounds after curfew, trying to dig a tunnel. Three days detention. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter. Making explode a whole floor. Two months detention and letters to parents due to severe damage to portraits and suits of amour as well as classrooms and danger to students and teachers.' Honestly, Remus, now that I am being so vividly reminded of it, I do remember that you were involved in quite a few pranks that the Weasley twins would have envied you for. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself." He said it ironically, but Remus did look rather scandalised by what he had done as a boy.
"Everyone does things in their youth that they shake their head about when they are older," said Remus with a guilty smile. "But after fifth year I didn't take part in so many pranks anymore, I only sketched out the Marauder's Map in the summer holidays and tried to stay away from pranks. I broke curfew with passion, though, primarily as a werewolf."
"And why, if I may ask," said Severus, putting the cards back into the box, "did you abandon this glorious crusade against the authorities?"
Remus's smile became a little forced then. "Oh, when I returned home for the summer holidays, my father took me aside and gave me a telling off that made me feel so ashamed of myself that I just couldn't bring myself to continue my career as a prankster," he explained. "He asked me if I was proud of myself for besmirching his name and for treating the honour of my Prefect's badge so ungratefully. You know a father's speech for his misbehaving son. 'With school records such as these you will never find a job, especially because Professor Dumbledore was so kind to accept you at Hogwarts you should be more responsible, for your later life as a werewolf you should show your best side not your worst,' and so on for about an hour. By the time he was finished I felt like a petty, ungrateful criminal. It took its effect, though I still did some dangerous, risky and utterly stupid things. And I think nowadays I am rather good at those speeches myself."
Severus had to admit that he didn't know what a father's speech sounded like, but it seemed much like Albus's usual telling-off. He found that Remus's father had used his son's sensitive nature quite deliberately to steer him into the right direction. Maybe that was what fathers usually did. What they were supposed to do. "In the end, a good school report didn't help you," said Severus to distract Remus from the fact that he knew and understood nothing of the effect Remus's father's speech had taken.
"But my father reminded me that I must appreciate Albus's great service," said Remus seriously, "I'm sure you understand that, since he has done you a similar service."
It was true that Albus had given Severus the Potions position at Hogwarts when he had only just been cleared in his trial at the Ministry and his colleagues were still suspicious of him. Nobody else would have employed Severus at that time and he would have been without a living, like Remus. He felt slightly guilty then, because the werewolf had had a harder time than him. Death Eater and werewolf, they were quite a couple.
"Nobody ever talked about my shady past," said Severus, leaning against his desk. "I suppose Albus asked them to refrain from mentioning it, seeing that I had been cleared of all charges. It was like during your year at Hogwarts, when nobody talked about your lycanthropy."
"It must have been relieving to escape that part of your life and be left alone," nodded Remus, smiling, "especially after what you went through. It must have been a terrible experience to be chained to that chair in the courtroom."
"It is not as if I hadn't deserved it," mumbled Severus, an unpleasant tingling in the back of his neck. "If Dumbledore hadn't stood up for me, I would have been sentenced. Only a short time later, Karkaroff testified against me, the filthy git. When he arrived at Hogwarts for the Triwizard Tournament, he acted like my best friend. He was lucky that I had to keep up a cover." Severus twisted his arm again, but Remus stilled it, taking his hand.
"He has paid for his betrayal," he said gravely, lowering his eyes. "I don't want the same to happen to you. I don't want you to leave me again."
"You shouldn't worry about that, I do not intend to spend the rest of my life without you," assured Severus with a smirk. "I find that we are rather perfect for each other."
Remus chuckled and squeezed his hand. "Oh, yes," he agreed amiably, "and I have often wondered where you have been all my life …"
"Right here," replied Severus with a vague wave of his hand, "not ready for you."
"I'm glad that has changed," smiled Remus and when Severus laid his hand into the small of his back he kissed his lips in that sweet, careful way that made Severus want much more.
"Strange, somehow, when you turned up at Hogwarts, it was an utter surprise to me," said Severus thoughtfully. "The way you had changed so much, much more than I had. I had the feeling that, for over a decade, I hadn't so much as heard anyone talk about you."
"Oh," said Remus with a superior grin, "you might not have seen or heard of me all this time, but I did see you. A few times, the last time about eight years ago. Mostly in summer in Diagon Alley … but, really, what could I have said to you? I was too unsure of myself, too ashamed. And though I would have liked to talk to someone from my old life, I felt that you weren't the right person, that you would not want me to talk to you."
"You were right," agreed Severus, trying to recall a situation in which he had noticed Remus, just to please the werewolf, but he could indeed think of none. "I never saw you. I can hardly believe that you were close to me without attracting my attention."
Remus laughed knowingly and patted Severus's shoulder. "Only because you feel my presence now that you and I are so close to each other, that doesn't mean that you would have noticed me then. I tried to be invisible, blend in. And you wouldn't have liked me the way I was. It took me some time, and many encounters and experiences to become the man I am now. You wouldn't have been interested in me like you were four years ago."
"So, it wasn't only me who wasn't ready," said Severus, feeling encouraged and for the first time not inferior to Remus concerning their relationship. "You had to …"
"Mature," supplied Remus with an amused expression, "like a good wine."
Severus snorted and laughed into Remus's temple, and Remus joined in, leaning against Severus's chest like he always did, seeking support, warmth, closeness. And Severus thought that he had never felt better, or happier than now, the frequent smiles on his lips were clear evidence of it and surely Remus noticed. Not now as a specific moment, but as a space of time that had been stretching over several weeks already and he hoped it would continue for many more. When he felt himself laughing, he felt free, light, at ease and simply good. And he knew that it was Remus who had given him this. Remus, without whom he would still be spending his days lonely and bitterly, his thoughts in some dark sphere that nobody could penetrate, his emotions still restricted to hatred, despair and anger. It was on him to be grateful. Smoothing back Remus's white and brown locks, he met Remus's Felix Felicis eyes, his laughter died to leave a pleasant smile on his face and he leant in to seal those soft lips with his own, knowing that he was unworthy, but feeling so indifferent to it right now, having seen the love in Remus's eyes and knowing that it had been mirrored by his own. Now that his body was pulsing with that love.
Remus would probably have disapproved, had he known that Severus used the knowledge of what it felt like to be with the one you loved – just be with them, close to them – to punish Potter even more than just with his tedious job of copying the old criminal records. But Potter's detentions weren't usually their favourite topic when Remus stayed with him at Hogwarts or he with Remus in the 'enchanted forest' as he liked to call it. The only thing that Severus told Remus about was Potter's sudden involvement with Ginny Weasley of which the whole school seemed to have been informed within hours of its establishment.
Remus acknowledged it with the air of someone who had always known that this connection was inevitable and he was very pleased, indeed. Severus didn't feel the slightest desire to let him know that Potter's love luck would be very limited. Not only because Severus made sure to keep the boy behind longer and longer on Saturdays to deprive him of his time with his girlfriend. He only lost one thought about how similar the Potters' taste in women was, for it gave him a massive stab, perhaps a punishment for his treatment of the boy. But Albus approved of the number of detentions, for once he did not scold Severus, had even called him unusually mild, when Severus had told him of what had happened. But he would take no further measures against the boy. Well, Severus understood.
Had those detentions stolen too much of his time with Remus, he would probably have shortened them, but the werewolf did him the favour to attend to his Order business on Saturdays and managed not to feel too guilty for enabling Severus. He did agree with him that Potter should be punished for cutting up another student. Still, if Severus had told him that he was intentionally stealing Potter's time with the Weasley girl, he would probably have earned a very stern look. But why would Potter get something that Severus hadn't had for such a long time?
Admittedly, right now he had it, and it seemed as though he had everything he wanted. Running his fingers over Remus's bare hip in the morning, kissing his shoulder like he used to do, being able to talk to his werewolf whenever he felt like it and about anything apart from the obvious, which seemed entirely unimportant lately, made him feel very comfortable. Maybe too comfortable. He didn't think of her even once, not of Albus's death, either, not of what might happen, because he felt a certainty about that particular point that he had never felt in the past year. During these days of summer, everything was perfect, and though he knew his luck was such that nothing perfect would last, his mind was free of worries.
But as the end of term approached and Albus seemed weaker and weaker upon returning from his secret missions, Severus felt unpleasantly reminded of the truth, and the task he had to fulfil. He avoided Albus, for the old man had expressed a strong wish to speak to him, with a look on his face that was far too meaningful for Severus's taste. He didn't want to talk. He had a strange feeling of foreboding concerning whatever Albus needed to tell him. It was more important to him to spend as much pleasant time as possible with Remus, now that he had the chance and the time to actually enjoy it consciously, bathing in Remus's presence, diving into their intimacy. He even escaped from Hogwarts for two days, after another one of Potter's detentions. He watched Remus rummaging through his father's old things under the slightly affronted look of his father's photograph, and they spent a very pleasant weekend indeed, during which Severus neglected his duties stubbornly, listening to Remus reading to him, kissing him, drinking white tea whose smell wafted wonderfully through the house, and talking, just talking like they could only talk to each other, skin to skin and closer than they had ever been to anyone.
But when he returned to Hogwarts on Sunday, very late in the evening, he could no longer escape. Albus was waiting for him in his office and with a smile, a nod and a wave of his blackened hand, he made Severus come with him to take a walk in the grounds. And he reminded him painfully of what must happen, of what must be done.
