Chapter 54: "How good friends were we?"

It was a reasonable guess, given I'd mentioned the theory when we'd first started talking at O'Malley's. I just didn't expect to be having this kind of conversation so soon after our first meeting.

"JJ," I squatted beside my son, taking his shoulders in my hands and waiting until he was looking me in the eye. "Mama needs to talk to Colonel Sheppard, okay. Don't worry though – everything will be fine. You can get your pencils and your book out if you like – spread out on the floor over by the bed."

"What do you want me to draw?" JJ enquired. It was a game of ours, him asking for requests. His skills were very basic and all his drawings had a sameness to them but he tried very hard over every one of them.

"Mmm, let me think," I began. "How about a castle with a moat … it will need to have knights on horses and a drawbridge so the good guys can get in but the bad guys can't."

"Can I put alligators in the moat?" JJ asked.

"Well … they would provide some added protection," I agreed. "You're the artist. Do you accept the commission?"

JJ didn't know what a commission was beyond it being a picture requested by me. "I sure do," he declared gleefully, hurrying off to get his drawing book and his coloured pencils.

Straightening I turned to see that John had been watching us intently. "Good kid," he commented.

"He is. He'll be occupied for a little while so we can talk," I began. "Before I explain anything I need to know what your intentions are."

"My intentions?" John repeated.

"Are you going to turn me in to your bosses if you don't like what I tell you?" I clarified. "Because I'm not obligated to tell you anything."

"Unless it's a matter of national security in which case you can be detained indefinitely without charge," John pointed out.

With a sigh I realised we were going to get nowhere being so distrustful. One of us would have to go out on a limb and it had to be me, because this John Sheppard had no idea what he was dealing with.

"Fine, let's sit down," I nodded to the sofa that had seen better days but at least looked clean and was large enough we'd have some distance between us if we each took a corner.

"What makes you so sure I know you?" I asked once we were both seated.

"You knew my name, you mentioned quantum physics and alternate realities, and you were at O'Malley's, only a few miles from base … my gut is telling me those aren't coincidences."

"Well congratulations to your gut," I muttered a little snidely.

"I was right?" John sounded surprised.

"I know you," I said simply. "You're a Colonel with the united states air force. You were flying helicopters out of McMurdo until the day General O'Neill needed a ride to a secret facility near there. You discovered that you have a special gene – we call it the ATA gene – that allows you to make use of Ancient technology, better than anyone else they had available at the time. They asked you to go on what could be a one way mission to another galaxy, through the Stargate, as part of an expedition to find the lost city of Atlantis. You agreed after tossing a coin to decide. How am I doing so far?"

John had listened quietly as I spoke and his expression was hard to read. "Go on," he urged.

"In the life I know, the life I've lived, I was a part of that expedition too," I revealed. "I lived on Atlantis for almost five years – I had a job working with the Ancient language and tech because I have the gene too; I was a member of Major Lorne's team as well – he became your 2IC after the first year when they promoted you and formally put you in charge. Before that you were a major and in charge because you were the highest ranking surviving officer – you were forced to mercy kill your CO on your first off world mission while a Wraith queen fed on him. You and I … we were friends for all that time … good friends. The last events that I was personally there for happened when the Coalition of planets abducted your team and made you stand trial for the crimes of the expedition. Mr Woolsey – the civilian leader – successfully argued your defence. After that …. something happened to me. I did something I shouldn't have and as punishment I was dropped back here on Earth. I'm not completely sure but the most likely scenario is that I was erased from everything. That's why you don't remember me, because even though in my life, I was there, in yours I never was."

It was a long speech and when it was done all I could do was sit back and see what John would say.

"How good friends were we?" John finally asked.

"I reveal that I know pretty much every top secret detail of both the SGC and Atlantis and the only thing you want to question is how well we knew each other?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh, I have a lot of questions," John shot back. "That's just the one I find the most pressing right now."

His eyes went to JJ and I tried to see my son from John's point of view. All at once the truth hit me. "You know," I whispered.

"Not for sure, not until just now," John replied. "He's mine, isn't he? How?"

"How is it you have a son when you don't remember ever meeting his mother, let along marrying her and knocking her up about a year later?"

"We're married?"

"Sabina Sheppard," I pointed to myself, "and John Sheppard Junior," I nodded towards JJ. "That's why I didn't tell you our last names."

"What happened?" John demanded. "What did you do?"

"When I was pregnant with JJ I developed some pretty serious genetic issues," I tried to explain. "Like Teyla, I have Wraith DNA as well. JJ inherited ancient and wraith genes from me but also human and ancient genes from you. They should have remained dormant until he was much older but they didn't – and within the womb they clashed with me and they put him in danger. Doctor Keller didn't have a solution so I kept searching until I found one of my own."

"JJ looks healthy so I assume your solution worked," John commented. He was too calm considering he'd just found out he was a parent – I guess he was pushing that knowledge aside in favour of understanding how all of this had happened.

"In a manner of speaking," I agreed. "I found a second Time Jumper in a room connected to the Janus lab. I used it to go back to a much younger Atlantis where I thought I'd find doctors who would know how to fix JJ. They couldn't but when I tried to go home the Jumper was damaged. I had to let them deliver JJ early. They said no one could fix the Jumper and that JJ and I would have to remain in the city for the rest of our lives." I gave him an imploring look. "I couldn't let it go at that – I found that machine that tried to transform Rodney into an Ascended being our second year in. I used it on myself and I ascended and took JJ with me, with the intent of finding you and then retaking human form. The others didn't like my abuse of 'the system' so they returned me to this form, erased me from everyone's lives and then dumped me here."

"That's quite a story," John's expression made it clear he didn't really believe me. If I hadn't lived it I'm not sure I would believe it either.

"It is," I agreed, "and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't believe it. Aside from knowing things I shouldn't know, I can't give you any proof either. Since events won't have happened the same, even my knowledge of how events played out might be questionable."

"If you're willing, we could do some DNA tests," John suggested slowly. "I can swear I've never met you before today but the tests will prove JJ's parentage. That's a paradox they'll struggle to explain away. Given the air force knows where I've been the past six years as well, I'm betting the records will show my location as somewhere it would have been impossible for me to help conceive a child from."

I nodded. It was a risk, going to the SGC since that's where I assumed John would want to take us, and doing something that would put JJ into their system. "Can I think about it?" I asked.

"Of course, take all the time you need," John assured me.

We fell silent, both of us watching JJ colouring, stretched out on his tummy with his bare feet out behind him. "He looks a lot like you," I murmured.

"Enough that I couldn't ignore it," John agreed.

"Could you …," I stopped but then made myself go on. "Would you tell me about your life, especially the first few years on Atlantis? I'd really like to know how different things turned out to be."

"I'd usually have to make you sign an NDA but since you already know a lot and haven't leaked anything to the media or our enemies, I think it's safe," John agreed.

"I already signed an NDA – it's probably not valid though since it, like me, no longer exists here," I quipped.

"Good enough," John quipped back. "Let's see, what can I tell you?"

"Start at the beginning," I requested in a low voice. "What was it like the day you arrived in the city?"

He gave me the basic highlights and most of it sounded pretty similar. It was only when John talked about the siege of the Wraith and how he'd taken out a Jumper rigged to explode that I saw the difference. In my version of events I'd stopped him from doing that by locking the Jumper bay doors against his exit.

I couldn't believe how cooperative John was being – he was patient as I kept asking questions that moved his story through the years on Atlantis. That just as much as the details themselves reminded me that this John was different – because getting the same kind of personal details, the thinking behind the actions, out of my John had always been like pulling teeth … without the appropriate tools. My John cared about my opinion and worried about how his actions affected me. He still did crazy things but he hesitated to admit to them because he had me to consider and he struggled to justify how the crazy and his love for me connected. This John didn't have any of that.

Eventually we got to a point where I wasn't there and so wouldn't recognise any differences. When he stopped, we were fell silent. The thing that struck me was not so much that John had done things differently, but the way he'd gone about it. This version of him was so much more reckless, more cavalier with his own life.

"What about lately?" I finally asked. "What are you doing these days?" He was forty six now – still young but I expected he would have been pushed towards a less full on role at some point.

"We abandoned Atlantis about five years ago," John revealed. "I've been leading a team at the SGC since."

"Do you have …," I stopped. Could I really ask John if he had someone, even though I desperately wanted to know?

"A wife? A family?" John finished the sentence for me. "No I don't. After Nancy I couldn't see any reason to go down that road again."

"Do you still keep in touch with David?"

"My brother?" John scoffed. "After my Dad's funeral we tried for a while but we just had too many differences and not enough in common to close the gap. I haven't seen him in years."

"What about Rodney? Ronon? Teyla?" He shook his head to all of them. "Major Lorne? Surely you still see him!"

"You mean Colonel Lorne," John corrected me, "and yeah, Evan and I are friends. He's practically the only friend I have these days. McKay went to Area 51 for a while and then branched out into private work – he's probably richer than my Dad ever was by now. Ronon and Teyla went back to the Pegasus galaxy on the Daedalus' last run – it was the least we could do for them."

"So the team disbanded and you stuck it out by yourself," I commented sadly. "It sounds so lonely John."

"It's not that bad," John insisted. "I don't have anyone making me feel guilty because I can't tell them what I do all day, or because I'm gone more than I'm here. And I'm doing something important – that's bigger than any one individual."

Nodding, I tried not to feel sad for him … and for myself. This wasn't a John I would easily build a connection with, not like it had been when we'd met so many years before.

"What now?" John asked.

"I'm wondering what the point would be in going with you for those tests," I admitted. "It won't bring back the life I knew … and it won't return the past to the way I remember it."

"It won't," John agreed. He watched me closely for a few moments and then glanced again at JJ. "Maybe we can just get to know each other, see where it takes us."

I smiled, amused. Maybe I was a stranger but I hadn't lost whatever it was that had attracted John Sheppard to me in the first place! I could see the interest in his eyes … despite what he was saying with his words, his eyes were telling me that if I jumped his bones right there and then he wouldn't put up a protest.

It was time to be practical. I was never getting back the life I'd known … the Ascended had taken it away and as far as I knew, no one had ever made an Ascended being do anything they didn't want to. I had JJ to consider now, and at the core of it, I wanted him to know his father. The only way I was going to do that was to bring the John in front of me into our lives. I could mourn for my John as well but I had to be open to something I knew instinctively would always be less. How much less, I wouldn't know unless we tried ... and less would still be better than nothing at all.

"Okay," I said simply. "We'll try."


Over the next several weeks John and I saw each other as often as we could manage, given his off world schedule and other commitments at the SGC. I never forgot that John was different but gradually I developed real feelings for him. JJ loved him instinctively, as if the inner core of him recognised John as his father, despite the complications of our situation. We let John into our lives without reservation and in return he let us get closer to him than anyone had been for a very long time.

Since I already knew what he really did for a living, John freely told me about his missions and what was happening at the SGC.

"Won't you get into trouble for this?" I asked after he finished telling me about a new planet his team had come back from that day.

"Are you going to tell someone?" he returned, "because I certainly don't plan to. You already know everything we've been keeping secret – I can't see how telling you more is gonna make that worse."

"What would your CO say if he knew about me?"

"Congratulations son?" John teased, running a hand over my ponytail. It was such a familiar gesture from my old life, tears rose and I looked away. "You're thinking about him," John said in a different, more serious tone.

"It's hard not to," I admitted. "It's not like I'm remembering an alternate version of you John, where I can tell myself you're not my John and make a distinction in my mind. I'm remembering the very same you, just with a different history."

"I don't mind," John said quietly. "He sounds like a better man than I've been the past few years."

"You're a good man John," I corrected firmly. "I, more than anyone, know that. I don't blame you for being different … I was the one who made so many stupid mistakes."

"No point in wallowing in the past," John pointed out.

I chuckled, shaking my head. "Right! You're the original wallower, John Sheppard," I accused teasingly.

"True," John agreed. "See, you're already having a positive influence on me."

"Go me," I muttered sarcastically.

"Look, to return to your first comment, sure, I'd probably get in trouble if it got out that I've been talking about what goes on at the SGC," John shrugged. "At that point we'd have to do those tests and prove that your story must have some validity for JJ to exist. Since you have signed a non-disclosure agreement and still behave as though you're bound by it, I think there's enough precedent with alternate realities and what not for them to bring you onside."

Since I didn't want John to get into strife because of me it was reassuring that he believed the agreements I'd made would still be valid. I honestly didn't think there would ever come a time when we'd have to test that out.

John had convinced me to enrol JJ in a kindergarten – he insisted that JJ and I would be moving to Colorado Springs permanently at some point so why not start laying down some roots. It wasn't that I disagreed … I just wasn't ready to begin counting on things.

JJ was excited by the prospect of kindy but for me it was a mixed event to wave goodbye to him on his first day. He was eager to have other kids to play with again and felt so grown up to finally have his own thing to go to instead of being my shadow. While I was happy that he'd taken to the new stage of his life with ease, I couldn't say the same for myself. I was used to his constant presence and I felt off balance, too aware that something was missing … like I didn't know what to do with hands that were too used to holding a littler one. Those feelings of unreality I'd had after closing myself off from my unborn baby returned as I realised how much time had passed since then. Could it really have been five years?

Sitting in the car after dropping JJ off – I honestly had no idea what to do next – it was a relief when my phone rang and I saw it was John.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"JJ was in there without a backward glance," I replied. "I however, am sitting in the car trying not to cry."

"Just because he's excited doesn't mean he won't miss you," John said kindly.

"I know that," I sighed. "I just … I'm used to having him close."

"You'll get used to this too," John reassured me. "Listen, I'm calling you because we've got a situation here. Remember that new planet I told you about a few days ago?"

"Sure," I agreed, curious. He'd never called me from work to talk about work before.

"We brought something back. Doctor Jackson was consulted because we think it's ancient. We had the science team take it to one of the labs for investigation."

"And now?" I prompted.

"Now it's activated," John said simply. "Doctor Jackson is unavailable to see if there's anything on the device itself to tell us how to turn it off. It's giving off a dangerous level of radiation – if we don't turn it off within the next hour or so the base won't be safe for anyone."

"You've already evacuated to minimum levels?" I asked.

"Yeah, down to skeleton crew only," John confirmed. "Look, I wouldn't ask except we're out of options here. The scientists think if we take the device back through the gate the radiation might cause 'an event'. We need any clues we can get to work out how likely that it."

"You want me to come and have a look," I concluded reluctantly.

"You have the expertise," John reminded me.

I thought for a moment but in the end there was no choice. "I suppose you're going to refuse to leave the SGC until this is resolved," I commented.

"My team brought it here," John said by way of answer.

"Fine, I'll be there in about ten minutes," I agreed abruptly.

"I'll have someone at the desk bring you down," John promised.

It was surreal to walk into the familiar corridors of the SGC after so many years. Many of the faces were different but the place itself hadn't changed. A General Oliver was the commanding officer; General Landry had retired a couple of years previously.

He eyed me suspiciously while John explained that I was able to read the Ancient language.

"How did you acquire this knowledge," the General asked.

"Actually Doctor Jackson taught me the basics," I replied truthfully.

"With all due respect Sir, we don't really have the time to run a full history on Sabina," John said briskly.

"Unfortunately the Colonel is correct," General Oliver said reluctantly. "If you're able to help us secure the base from the threat this device poses, we'll be very grateful."

And there'll be time for interrogations later, I thought snidely. "I can't promise anything but I'm willing to examine the device."

John escorted me to the science lab where the offending device sat on one of the work benches. It was circular with a hole through the middle, a bit like a donut, and wasn't anything like I'd seen before. There were Ancient symbols engraved over the outside and as I sat down and read then slowly, dread began to fill me.

"Can you read it?" John asked after a few moments.

"Yes, and the news isn't good," I said starkly. "This is a weapon of sorts, although it's what you'd call a passive defensive weapon. The Ancients would put one of these in a village under threat from the Goa'uld and it would affect the physiology of the local population in a very specific way, making them unsuitable to be hosts."

"Well, that doesn't sound too bad," John pointed out.

"On the surface no," I agreed, "until you read further. It's designed specifically for a race like the Jaffa, with already superior immune systems and greater strength in general. It wasn't meant to be used for a purely human colony."

"So it's not dangerous for the Jaffa but it is for us," John concluded.

"Pretty much," I confirmed.

"Can we switch it off?"

I shook my head. "I have the gene too remember and I've already tried," I revealed. I still hadn't told John my true origins so he wouldn't understand that if I couldn't turn off an Ancient device it was unlikely anyone else could either. "You can try, if you like."

"I already did too," John revealed. "Every gene holder on the base has had a go."

"While I can't tell for sure I suspect the device is malfunctioning," I offered an explanation. "It's really old, which doesn't mean it couldn't still work, but I think it's been exposed to fighting in the past – maybe even the Goa'uld and whoever lived on that planet when the Ancients were still around."

"Okay, so I take it back through the gate, to where we got it from," John suggested.

"We don't have any Jaffa assigned here?" I asked hopefully.

"No," John shook his head. "The treaties with both the Jaffa Free Nation and the Tok'ra were rescinded a year or so after the Goa'uld were defeated. It's been a while since we've had any contact with them."

"Could we get some kind of box to shield it?"

"You're worried about what the radiation will do when it passes through the wormhole?"

"I am," I grimaced. "There's nothing in the text on the device to suggest gate travel is bad, but it's broken which makes it unpredictable John. Can we send it through on a M.A.L.P.?"

"That we can do," John grinned. "I'll go and talk to General Oliver. I'd be happier if you'd head back to the surface now. I don't want you exposed to the radiation any longer than necessary."

"I'm fine," I assured him. "You might need some more Ancient translation … I'll stick around for a while."

John frowned but nodded. "You know where the commissary is," he said. "Wait for me there."

It didn't take long for decisions to be made. The device would be sent back through the gate on a M.A.L.P. inside a shielded box. With typical military efficiency they were ready to implement their plan within a few minutes of deciding on it.

"Can I watch from the Control Room?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure," John nodded. He took me up there, not explaining my presence when we arrived. Thankfully General Oliver didn't question it either so I was free to stand beside John as the M.A.L.P. was rolled up the ramp into position. One of the scientists brought the ancient device into the gate room and secured it to the cargo section of the M.A.L.P.

"We're ready General," the scientist announced.

"Very well. Activate the M.A.L.P.," General Oliver told the gate technician on duty.

"Activating M.A.L.P."

We all watched the ramp … and noticed as one the lack of progress. "Is there a problem?" The General asked.

"The M.A.L.P.'s remote control system isn't responding Sir," the technician revealed. "The device is creating interference, even with the shielding."

"You're telling me we can't remote it through the gate?" the General demanded.

"That's correct Sir," the Technician reluctantly confirmed.

"How are the radiation levels?"

"Approaching critical Sir," the Technician revealed.

John touched a hand to my shoulder, drawing my attention away from the drama.

"I want you to go home now Sabina," he said intently. I met his eyes and I knew what he was planning.

"Why?" I wanted him to admit it.

"Someone has to take that device through the gate manually," John said simply.

"And it has to be you?"

"My team brought it here," John repeated again. "It's my responsibility."

"Of course it is," I said harshly. "Well, if you're going to risk sacrificing yourself John, you're going to do it with me watching. We don't walk away from each other … we never did, in that other life of mine."

John grimaced and I could see he wanted to argue. If he did though, he'd draw attention to me and risk having the military guards officially escort me from the premises. That could spell ongoing trouble for me he was unwilling to cause.

"Fine," he gave in impatiently. He turned away, his mind already on his self-appointed task.

"That's it then?" I asked incredulously. "That's possibly going to be your last word to me … fine?"

"I'll be okay," John said positively.

"And if you're not?"

Pursing his lips together – a sure sign he was holding back strong emotions – John grimaced again. Then he grabbed my hand, pulling me into his arms. I landed against his chest with an oomph.

"I knew you the instance we met," he said in a low tone, for my ears only. "I didn't know I'd been waiting for you until you showed up. Now I'm going to do this … because I love you and I want you to see me as that John you loved and married, the one who's strong enough, good enough to be JJ's father."

He kissed me then, with firm strong lips and warmth and passion restrained. He'd let go and taken a step back before I recovered my wits. "John," I said urgently.

"Yeah?" He stopped, raising a brow expectantly.

"You are the man I married, the man I love," I whispered. "Please don't make me go through losing you again. JJ needs his father."

"I'll do my best," John promised. He touched a fond hand to my cheek and then he was gone.

I stood at the control room window and watched the man I would always love, no matter what our history or our realities were. He untied the shielded box and tucked it under one arm. Turning to the control room, he saluted with a confident grin and then he was gone, through the wormhole.

There was a bright flash; the event horizon rippled and expanded out before snapping back. Abruptly it winking closed and silence descended.

"What was that?" General Oliver asked after a moment.

"There was an energy discharge at the other end Sir," the Technician replied. "The backwash travelled back through the wormhole, forcing the system to shut down."

"Dial the planet again," the General ordered grimly.

The Technician punched in the coordinates. Deep down I expected the address to fail, but it didn't. The wormhole burst into action and a connection was established.

"Can we send the M.A.L.P. now?" Oliver queried.

"Yes Sir," the Technician confirmed. The vehicle made its slow journey up the ramp and through the event horizon. The system tracked its progress until it emerged on the other side.

"Readings?" the General queried.

"Radiation is almost non-existent," the Technician began. Clearly, whatever else had happened, John had been successful at neutralising the device. "I have video Sir," he offered.

"Put it up on the screen."

We all turned to the large screen mounted over the main bank of work stations. The M.A.L.P. moved slowly forward, the camera showing blackened trees and a few small fires burning in the dirt. There was debris scattered close by and when the camera panned in we all realised what it was. The DHD had been destroyed.

"Can you pan right," the General requested.

The Tech nodded, moving the camera slowly. The view travelled across the ground … it was a boot that came into view first, followed by the rest of a body, also blackened and burnt by the explosion.

I didn't need to see it but the Technician didn't stop until he had the camera lens trained on a lifeless face … John Sheppard's lifeless face. He was gone – no hope of recovery, no last minute redemption … no more chances.

I'd already lost him … and now I was losing John again, just when I'd begun to see that he'd always needed me just as much as I'd needed him. Prior to my forced return to Earth I had always believed that in a world where I'd never gone to Atlantis, John would have been okay, his life would still have worked out fine. I knew my life would be empty without him but what the past few months had shown me was that John's life would be equally empty without me.

Inside me there was a roaring, rushing sound that was dragging me outside myself … my heart was pounding so hard I saw spots. And then those spots grew bigger and they took me away, to the darkness where I could pretend that John would be coming back.