Chapter Fifty

Horus: "Woot! Fifty chapters! This needs an extra-special episode!!"

Dorn: "Indeed. Horus ... you've been with us now for a while now, so the guys and myself have banded together and got you something cool ... to show our appreciation of you blessing us with your AWESOME presence ..."

Horus: "Aww ... guys ... you're the best! What is it?"

Perturabo: "An Imperator Titan"

Horus: "Seriously?!?! You guys are awesome!! Where is it?"

Sanguinius: "Look up"

Horus: "What ... oh ... crap"

Imperator Titan falls on Horus.

Dorn: "Well that's made my day ... what's next?"

Magnus: "The intro recap:

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!Dorn: "Do they still need that?"

Magnus: "Quiet, we're not in this chapter"

Dorn: "What? Horus is still hogging the spotlight??"

Horus: "Damn straight I am?"

Lorgar: "Who are you talking to?"

Horus: "Myself. I need someone awesome enough to understand what I'm saying ..."

Lorgar: "Well tht's obvious; your stupidity is a special kind of 'awesome' ..."

Horus: "Say something back there?"

Lorgar: "Just reminding Vect how much he sucks"

Vect: "What? Hey you're the one who's in a 'committed' relationship"

Lorgar: "And that's supposed to be an insult?"

Vect: "I'm not the one who's surrendered his freedom as a man ..."

Lorgar: "Whatever ... hey Lion, what's up?"

Lion: "Hmm?"

Lorgar: "You've been quiet since we left Flamesville ... something bothering you?"

Lion: "Something about our quest ... something I fear we may have overlooked ... I sense great forces are moving ... forces beyond our comprehension ... and soon ... their evil plots will result in lame Plot Twists that we'll have to feign surprise at"

Lorgar: "Probably ... ah ... I think we're here"

Horus: "What gave you that impression?"

Lorgar: "The plush villa, the outdoor swimming pool filled with bikini-clad Eldar babes (odd considering we're high in the mountains and there's snow everywhere), and the large sign here saying 'Oracle of Oblivion's Residence'?"

Horus: "They're tricks ... no way this could be that easy"

Seriously, when you make it easy for them they complain anyway. What's a narrator to do?

Horus: "Give up and let me handle things"

Screw that.

Lorgar: "I agree. Are we going to stand here gawping forever, or are we going to do what we came here to do?"

Horus: "Kill everyone?"

Lorgar: "After we get our information ... now come on"

They enter through the main entrance, and find themselves greeted just inside by a Wraithguard wearing a maid's outfit.

Maidguard: "Greetings honoured guests. How may I serve you?"

Horus: "OK, that's freaky ..."

Lorgar: "Erm ... we're looking for the Oracle?"

Maidguard: "Miss Arienal is waiting for you. Please follow me"

Vect: "Arienal? Damn ... I think I know her"

Horus: "Anything we should know?"

Vect: "The sex was awesome!"

Horus: "Anything else less ... squicky?"

Vect: "She's a little ... odd. Spends too much of her time around Wraithguard if you ask me"

Lorgar: "We've noticed ..."

The Wraithmaid leads them into a plush room filled with Wraithguard/lord merchandise, including the Gav Thorpe narrated 'My Life as a Wraithlord' DVD collection.

Horus: "This is freakier ..."

Lorgar: "Someone likes Wraithbone constructs ..."

Iyanna Arienal: "Oh that's me!"

Horus: "Are you Miss Arienal?"

Arienal: "Says so on the dialogue script, doesn't it?"

Lorgar: "So you're the Oracle of Oblivion?"

Arienal: "Guilty as charged!"

Horus: "Erm ... we were told you may know where the Final Key for the Gates of Varl is hidden?"

Arienal: "It's here" Reaches down and picks up a coffee mug, revealing an Eldar-esque key thing beneath.

Lorgar: "You were using it as a mat?"

Arienal: "Knew where it was that way. You can have it; I don't really need it much"

Lorgar: "That's it? That's it? That's all there is to it? No epic quest ... no great battle? Just ... lift coffee reveal Plot Device?"

Horus: "That can't be it ... is this real?"

Arienal: "It's real"

Horus: "Not fake?"

Arienal: "Not fake"

Horus: "The Final Key?"

Arienal: "The Final Key"

Horus: "Opens the Gates of Varl?"

Arienal: "Opens the Gates of Varl"

Horus: "And it's ours?"

Arienal: "It's yours"

Horus: "For free?"

Arienal: "For free, providing you bugger off and leave me alone"

Lorgar: "Seriously?"

Arienal: "You have a hard time trusting people, don't you?"

Lorgar: "We tend to get screwed over a lot"

Arienal: "It's yours, now leave"

Lorgar takes the Key.

Lorgar: "Er ... thanks ..."

Lion: "Well that was easy"

A loud explosion is heard outside.

Lion: "You did that deliberately, didn't you?"

Hell yeah. Now swing that Lion Sword!

Horus: "What was that?"

Lorgar peers out the window.

Lorgar: "Did someone order some fluffy artillery?"

Horus: "'Fluffy'?"

Lion: "Oh good grief ... they've followed us"

Loudspeaker: "This is the United Empire of Kawaii! We demand the heads of those who slaughtered our fellow cute and fluffy comrades! Hand over the Primarchs and all will be spared!"

Horus: "I've had it with those things!"

Vect: "Arienal; hand them over. Why should we risk out lives for a bunch of Mon-keigh?"

Horus: "Because these Mon-keigh have big guns and short tempers?"

A dozen Wraithmaids level their Wraithguns at the Primarchs.

Horus: "And so do you it seems ..."

Lorgar: "Oh for the love of ... Cypher?"

Cypher: "Yes?"

Lorgar: "I've got a plan - listen up!"