Chapter 54: State of Mind

I slept in as much as I could that week, up until a sharp crack awoke me one day. I looked up, expecting a bullet to be in my gut or head. There was no such thing about, only the silence of morning. I checked again, slowing my breaths so I could get a better sound of what was going on.

It was nothing, just a harsh joke played by myself in my subconscious. I looked at my Pip-Boy and checked the time on it: 8:53 A.M. I was worn out and tired, and there wasn't anything I could do about it, I had nothing sitting in my stomach yesterday, and it was going to be hard to ask someone to fill the void today. I pulled myself up and went out of my tent to look around the camp.

It was empty, the fire barrels gone of flame and the sounds of The Steamworks were whispers. I stretched my back and arms and started to walk forward to Hoyt's home, as he was always awake early, and one of the nicest people with food.

The morning walk was as peaceful as it could get. Small puffs of steam and dust went up with each step, the air tasted of metal, or maybe blood. My weak eyes were blurred when mixed with the fog around us. I could smell myself, and it was far from what I would want. Being a noob meant I had no access to the cosmetic and hygienic applications that the vets had available. This left me smelling of sweat, and looking like something more foul. I smelled like poignant garbage left from 2080's, and I reminded myself of the stench every morning as my mind reset the events that got me here.

I swallowed hard and tied my hair up into a messy bun so I can walk without hair in my face. I moved to Hoyt's home slowly, practically dragging myself forward reluctantly. I couldn't say I didn't like asking for handouts, this was an entirely new experience for me. It was degrading to be in here, bottom of the class with a stiff arm that feels like plastic attached to my bicep. I had to swallow my pride as best I could and ask the people that hate me to feed me. I pulled my arm to the holed out cloth that was pulled over to replace the blown out wall. As my fingers ran across the curtain, I pulled it open as I held my breath.

Something clanked behind me, and I spun my head around to see what had happened. I couldn't spot anything. No one was awake still, so I wondered what was happening. I heard stories of the other teams sabotaging rival teams, but that only happened to good teams, not the everlastingly-badass Blue Team, complete with a coward and a mistrusting militia of bred killers that only care about if their asses sag.

Nevertheless, my curiosity got the best of me and I walked towards the sound, peering to my sides in case of an ambush. It came from the Amir' office, I guessed, so I took a peek inside.

The fire barrel was lit, illuminating the back of Amir as he sat, hunched forward in a chair parallel to Skyler's resting body. I opened the door, and looked down at Amir as he looked at her. I remembered what Jethro told me, I'm not going to get liked from getting supplies, because from the looks of Skyler's skinny, pale face, they weren't helping.

"She's 37." Amir told me as he looked at me.

"Born here, along with the rest of us, we sort of grew up on this team together." He continued.

"I remember our first match—we were about 24 years old each and going to a Big Team Battle. During the fight, I got my foot caught under a rock. Everyone ignored me, except Skyler. She looked out for me, even if I was too green to fight like her..."

"... She saw something in me—something I today still can't." He told me. "Hoyt told me what had happened during her last match. They left her with a bullet lodged in her lung... nobody came for her... nobody saw her for who she was." He said.

"They only cared about themselves..."

"You grew up together?" I asked him.

"We all did." He said.

"Is that you guys don't kill each other?" I asked him.

"..Yes and no."

"The only reason why there hasn't been a winner was because we can't bring ourselves to kill the people for who we had known our entire lives, and because we can't even trust those people, we're caught in a paradox." Amir informed me. "No one can do it... except people like you. Whatever made you not use that stimpak when you got it, you made the right choice in the end."

"In a good world, there has to be bad people." I said, remembering a time much like this.

"We're all conflicted, Sarah. We care too much and not enough equally. We need someone like you to change that." Amir turned around and looked up at me.

"Now... I suppose you're here for your head scans." He told me.

"It can wait, if you want." I told him.

"Be better if we get it out of the way now." Amir got up from his chair and went to the supply cart. He pulled out some sort of helmet made of wires and a syringe.

"Now, this might sting a bit, so if you want, I can give you some Med-X." He told me as he held up a needle.

"I think I can handle it. Besides, save the morphine for battle." I told him as I lay down in the extra bed.

"If you say so." He said as he strapped the inhibitor onto the front and back of my forehead. My eyes were covered with metal, and I could feel several, tiny needles stick into the edge of my skin all around my head. I twitched my legs as they awkwardly poked my head. Besides that, I felt nothing except gentle vibrations for ten minutes.

When the vibrations seceded, the good doctor took the helmet off slowly, batting his eyelashes at me as I looked around, revealed to the whole again.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine. Thanks." I said as I got up and walked to the door.

I stopped and looked over to my side, where Skyler rested like a sleeping angel.

"I won't forget what you told me, Amir." I told him as my eyes went to the side and looked sadly upon Skyler.

I moved my head forward and continued out the door, walking back to Hoyt and Michelle's chambers. I looked around our sleeping area, sensing feet scraping against the ground. I whipped my head around, revealing a small girl looking at me.

"What the hell are you doing here? Are you looking to get jumped by these people?" I whispered at her angrily.

"I heard you killed anaconda Bill." She told me.

"What about it?" I asked her.

"Did you get any stimpaks for Sampson?" She asked me.

"No. There weren't any to spare, I didn't even get any, so you're going to have to ask someone else." I scoffed.

"I'm not a damsel in distress, Sarah, I can take care of myself-"

"We'll see when your shadow dies." I said, turning away from her.

"He's not dead he just needed it to speed up his healing. I thought you would have my back on this." She told me.

"I don't even know your name, and whatever ties you think we have—drop them. I don't know who you are and you don't know who I am, okay? I'm not falling for it." I walked away at the end of my sentence and looked up at the tattered walls and cloth of Hoyt and Michelle's home.

"My name's Kat." She called to me as I went into the tent.

I grunted as I walked inside the home, peeking inside the home carefully, as not to wake them if they were sleeping. I looked around to see Hoyt and Michelle sitting down on the floor, next to each other, eating slowly as they talked to each other.

"We can't let the other teams know." Hoyt explained to her.

"It can't be kept a secret, Hoyt-"

"Listen. I'm here to protect you, and if that means keeping your mouth shut, that's what I'm going to do. I'm not letting you do this." Hoyt told her angrily, gripping her arm.

"Morning guys." I told them.

"What do you want, Marston?" Hoyt asked quietly as he quickly released Michelle.

"I ran out of food, and I jus-"

"This isn't the time, Marston. Leave." Hoyt said, staring down at his food.

"A-Alright." I said, turning around to leave.

I walked out looking around to see if the girl was around. Not to my surprise, she wasn't. By now, the camp was bustling about gently as people awoke from their tents, yawning and whispering to each other so they wouldn't wake any other deep sleepers.

I sighed, "Now what?" I asked myself.

"A good start would be to not talk to yourself." Jethro said above me.

"How long have you been up there?" I asked him.

"Now don' go an' ask questions I don' know how to answer." Jethro told me.

"Fair enough." I slumped my arms on my waist. "You have any food?"

"Maybe, but what's innit fo' me?" He asked.

"Now you shouldn't ask me questions I don't know how to answer." I retorted with a wry smile.

"Thas fine wit' me. I got an idea in mind..." Jethro said.

"I already told you before, Jethro. I'm not into you." I told him, pushing my arms in his direction.

"Thas not what I meant. Now ye see, I've been taking some a' the food and some of the rewards that no one wants and I've been cooking."

"Cooking?" I asked.

"Yep, people think ol' Jethro can't think of nothin', but I'll show 'em—with your help, Miss Marston!" Jethro smiled.

"Alright, what do you want? To try out food?" I asked him.

"Food? No, not that—I'm talking about drugs!" Jethro exclaimed, throwing up his arms.

"You want me to do drugs made from random bullshit that you don't know anything about?" I asked him.

"Miss Marston, I'm offended by these accusations! I've studied this stuff all my life, and I like to take pride in my work. But if you think all your friends here will give you food, be my guest..."

"Godammit." I said to myself.

"I'll give ya' food for every match that you play with my drugs in your system. We square?" Jethro propositioned.

"Alright. Alright, fine. Just—don't screw me over, okay?" I shook my head as I looked down at the ground.

"Good, good. Here's the first one." Jethro said as he threw me a green inhaler and some matches.

"I call it 'Ruse'." He said.

"And what is this supposed to do?" I asked him, holding the inhaler to my eyes.

"No idea. Have fun now!" Jethro smiled as he threw me down a box of vitamins and some water.

"You're giving me this already? Don't I have to use this first?" I asked.

"Nah, you're already past the point of no return, so I guess I'll share what's mine." Jethro smiled.

"So...how about that da-"

"See you later, Jethro." I interrupted, walking away as I took my daily dose of nutrients from the box.

I sat against a broken wall, contorting the inhaler to see what it was made from. I didn't know a thing about herbalism, only basic cooking and preparing. It just seemed like there was a bunch of sticky green shreds shoved into the tube so I can light it and then inject it into me. I hoped that Jethro would have been able to brew something that can help me in combat, but I was having my doubts.

"Jet? Where'd you get Jet from?" A teammate asked.

"It's not Jet. It's called 'Ruse'." I said, making the name sound spooky by lifting my hands up and elongating the word.

"That's a shame. I thought you could have been useful to us." The man said with a sneer.

I ignored him, trying not to notice the man's spotty beard and sketchy brown haircut. I recognized the man is 'Human', or Randy.

"Want to trade? Oh, wait, I forgot you're still a noob, you don't even have two sticks to make a fire." He insulted with a snicker, lowering his head.

"Yep, so if you don't mind, I'm going to stick with my drugs now." I said, putting the inhaler/injector away.

"Sure thing. I've got a stash of my own, don't you see." Randy said, pulling out some psycho.

"Not so much a stash anymore, is it?"

"You better not steal this from me like you stole Shane's gun. Get away from me." Randy darted.

"You came to me first." I said, looking at the time on my Pip-Boy.

"Good work, noob! You figured something out! Now screw off, before I fill you full of holes." Randy smiled, pointing his finger at me.

"Another genius idea by the person with no gun. Just go away, okay?" I said, getting up and walking to my tent.

"Alright then, everybody!" Randy shouted, calling over a crowd of blue to us. "It's time to train the noob! If she's going to stay, we're going to have to cannonize her so she's ready!" He called, looking at me.

"Look here, asshole. I'm tired of being treated like I'm not even part of the team. You have no idea what life is beyond these walls, so you want to fight me?! Fine, let's go!" I yelled, rising up my fists.

I sprinted at the man like a battering ram, my arms outstretched at him, until I felt the dry hands of him. He threw my off to the side in s ingle throw, landing me on my back. I winced for a moment, opening my eyes to see a foot coming down and bluntly forcing into my stomach. I let out an 'oof!' as I threw his foot off of me so I could breathe. Human reloaded his attack, coming down again on me. I rolled to my side as his foot stomped onto the cold, dusty floor, hearing more of the bets and favors.

I moved to my feet, crouched down and looking at the man, slapping my arm forward with a punch. In return, he weaved himself out of the way and came around with a hook to my cheek. I felt my jaw as Human grappled my shoulders. Then, out of nowhere, he grabbed my arm and threw me before I knew what was going on. I then lay on the floor, on my stomach, looking up at the man as the Blue Team watched with judging eyes. My body told me to take the defeat, but my mind took control, pushing me up to my feet to take another beating. Human advanced on me and spun out a roundhouse. I lifted my arms and protected my head from a blow. Glaring my eyes at the man as I grinded my teeth, launching out with all my fury a right hook that landed perfectly on the brow.

Human blinked for a second, and his eyes met mine. I knew then that he was only warming up before.

"C'mon… I'm not done yet." I muttered.

"Blue Team and Purple Team, please report to the lake arena for my favorite match, 'Sepulcher' in Arena 9!" The intercom blasted.

The entire team looked up at the intercom, and acted as if nothing happened, moving away from the circle and going over to Hoyt and Michelle, who were standing in the back, arms crossed, and eyes low.

"Marston!" Hoyt called out to me.

"What?" I asked him.

"You do something that stupid again, I'll kill you myself, we clear?" He waved his finger.

"Guess this was all my fault, Hoyt." I told him with smug sarcasm.

"Good. You're with us today." Michelle said as she called me over to her, walking to the arena as she put on her armor.

"Why?" I asked.

"You heard him… it's time to train the noob." Michelle nodded quickly.