Okay, so here's a significant diversion from the books that I have in my story: Bella is still clumsy. Thankfully, she's not as debilitatingly clumsy as she was as a human, but I imagine she still struggles to find her footing in unfamiliar terrain, like thick snow here, and slippery mud in chapter 20- if anyone remembers that.
Bella:
Carlisle and I ran far into the woods around the house before we found anything. As we had run, we had managed to gloss over the snow without breaking it– well, usually not breaking it. There were a few times where my foot cracked the surface and I stumbled for a step, but Carlisle was kind enough not to mention it and I managed to keep up.
I knew that I would trip less if I could focus better on my footing, but my mind was still racing with thoughts of Edward and the strawberry blonde. I wasn't looking forward to the introductions when we got back, if only because I couldn't imagine having to speak to her without feeling like I was going to explode.
I sighed. I wasn't being fair. I wasn't even sure that this girl was interested in Edward. What I had seen briefly could have been innocent enough, and even if it wasn't, Edward and I weren't together. I couldn't rationally be upset with him for having other options.
Acknowledging I couldn't rationally be upset, I just accepted that I was going to have to be irrationally upset, because I was still very upset. The jealousy just wouldn't go away. I felt like I should have had better control over myself than this, and I was willing to blame it at least partially on the lack of substantial amounts of blood I'd had all week, but I also wondered what feeling this jealousy meant. How many times was I going to have to deal with things that implied I had feelings for Edward before I could actually feel love for him?
I mean, I wasn't an idiot, I could figure that some part of me was trying to tell me I loved him. I missed him when he was gone and wanted to be close to him when he was near. I liked talking to him and listening to him and the easy silence we could maintain in the long stretches when nothing needed to be said. I found him attractive, enough so that when he had kissed me some baser instinct took over to kiss him back so thoroughly. I liked to see him smile. I liked to hear him laugh. And now on top of all that evidence, I was burning up inside with jealousy because he had his arm linked for all of two seconds with another girl.
But so if I knew all of this, why couldn't I feel it? Thinking about Edward just made me scared and confused. Remembering how he had kissed me made my skin itch as much as it made it tingle. I found myself wishing that he hadn't ever told me he loved me. It was so much easier for me before, to just be with him without having to worry about an endgame.
I frowned at myself. I was being selfish, thinking that. It was easier for me before, sure, but I could only imagine bottling up his feelings had been hell for him.
Caught in my thoughts as I ran, I didn't notice Carlisle had stopped until I hit his shoulder. I stumbled forward, my feet getting tangled in the suddenly deep snow, and he grabbed my upper arm to keep me from falling.
"Sorry," I muttered, embarrassed.
Carlisle responded only by smiling at me reassuringly. I caught the scent in the air and realized why we'd stopped. It smelled something like deer, but I could tell it was a different animal. I figured hunting would get my mind off how embarrassed I felt with everything today, and tried to stalk closer.
I found the animals, a small herd of caribou, and set my sights on the largest one. I stalked closer, trying to step gingerly on the snow. It worked for a few steps, and my feet didn't sink too far every time I shifted my feet, but one misplaced foot and I sank almost to my knee in snow. The caribou bolted at the crunching sound, and desperate, I tried to chase. My foot that was already in the snow dug deeper, and got caught on what I assume was a tree root, so instead of running after the caribou, I face-planted with vampire speed into the snow.
I lay there for a moment, just defeated, and let out of whine. If I were still human, I would have been crying the angry, frustrated tears I used to experience too often. I knew I was acting like a child throwing a tantrum, but I just wanted to be left in the snow to my despair and humiliation. I didn't want to sit up and face Carlisle, who I knew was standing just a few paces behind me, patiently letting me deal with the disaster that was my life in that moment.
I finally pulled myself up out of the snow and sat cross-legged, pouting. Carlisle joined me, sitting next to me gracefully and barely sinking into the blanket of white. I noticed I was covered in flakes and clumps of snow, and unlike if they were on a human with body heat to melt them, they were perfectly content to just cling to me.
"Don't worry," Carlisle said, putting a hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "We'll catch them next time."
I sighed. "Can't we just go home? I don't want to hunt anymore." The rational part of my brain screamed at me, yelling that I was thirsty and that I needed blood. But right now, the side of my brain that was winning was the embarrassed child side that just wanted to go home and curl into a little ball of misery and not make eye contact with anyone for the next century.
A tiny part of my brain also reasoned that if I went back to the house, Edward would be there, and maybe I could just pick up a book and pretend to read it and curl up under his arm on a sofa until everything was better.
Carlisle looked disapproving of the idea, but now that my brain had latched onto the idea of returning to Edward, I was desperate to go. This time, even if he were with her, I wouldn't avoid him. I told myself that I didn't even have any reason to think he even liked her, and he'd told me he loved me. If there was some sort of competition going on, I was sure to win it, wasn't I?
"I don't think giving up on hunting is such a good idea…" Carlisle said uneasily. I recognized that he didn't like the idea of making me continue hunting if I didn't want to, but he also saw the irresponsibility of just letting me give up.
"Please," I begged. "I'll try again later, I swear. I can convince Edward to take me tonight." When I said it, I only meant it as a placation, but I found myself excited to fulfill the promise.
"Okay!" Carlisle looked pleased at the bargain. Too pleased. I realized that he must have thought all of this meant something for his first son and me. He might have even thought I was only trying to go home now as an excuse to drag Edward out later. I didn't know really if he was wrong or not, but it still felt manipulative when I didn't correct him. It was bad enough I was almost definitely going to get Edward's hopes up for a love that might not ever exist, I wished I didn't have to drag Carlisle's expectations into the equation too.
Poor Bella. You know when you're hungry and tired and sad and just want to curl up in bed and not exist for a bit? Well she's feeling the vampire equivalent of that- until her next exciting mood swing, that is!
