I didn't mean to ease drop, but I really had no choice. I didn't want to interrupt knowing their conversation was an important one. Something that needed to happen sooner then later so we could all just put it behind us and move forward. So I stood there in the hallway, quietly observing two of the most important people in my life becoming family.
That day when Tracy and I went to see dad in the hospital was one of the worst days of my life. We knew the end was near, o could have been days or weeks or months. My father was a fighter, and not even a failing ticker would take him down easily.
We were fighting about his care, and if we should sign a DNR, if or when things went badly. I knew he wouldn't want to be kept alive but Tracy was having a harder time making the decision. The idea that we would have to choose to end his life.
She stormed off to my apartment, I wanted to make all the sadness go away for her, hell I wanted to make it go away for myself. The thought of my father not being around, stirred the hunger inside of me. I wanted to run, I admit it, I wanted to run to a place not so far from my home and get high. I wanted to feel the pain and the fear leach out of my body. I wanted to feel untouchable and invincible, remind myself that death could be beaten. And then I saw Amy standing there, smiling at Tracy, and everything changed. I just started to feel better having her there, I wanted to hold her. I wanted to be held by her. But that was not possible then…
It was a rough session, things didn't go as I hoped but somehow that was a breakthrough for Amy and I, that was the day she let me see her scars, the first time she really ran away from me and the day we admitted to having feelings for one another.
I remember feeling stunned, shocked and afraid, I was grateful that Tracy was near by. Even though I was the older one, Tracy had always been the wiser one. She was the person I turned to for strength. Even at my worst. In my darkest moment, she never gave up hope. Tracy never stopped fighting for me, no matter what I said or did.
"You seem off are you ok Will?" Tracy looked at me over her slice of pizza, her spidey sense was never wrong.
"You know just worried about dad and stuff."
"Well when we are done, we can head back for the last round of visitors hours. You can flirt with the nurses so they will let us stay late."
"Well that the thing… I kinda met someone… So flirting not so much."
"You kinda met some one… like a girl. A real live girl… Mr. One Nighter has met a girl…"
"And this is why I keep my trap shut."
"Aww come on I am just kidding… Tell me all about her… what does she look like… what does she do… go…"
"You met her today…"
"That girl from this morning? The sad looking one? "
"She is not sad looking, Trace. I mean yes she was sad when she came in…"
"How did you meet her?
"She is uh one of my students."
"Oh, she looks familiar…did she go to Saint Frannies with us?"
"No I don't think so, she is a few years younger then you."
"What's her last name. I know that face."
"Knightly. Amy Knightly." I could see the shock on Trace's face.
"The Broken Arrow's girlfriend, the one Dino saved. She is your student?" I nodded. "How did I not know this Willy?"
"Well its complicated and for the love of Christ don't call me Willy."
"Whatever Will, what is so complicated."
"Well, I have you know… I uh… I care about her…"
"You care about her?"
"Yeah I mean she is so sweet and funny, but then she is like so fragile… you know she can't be touched… by anyone. She freaks out just at the idea of it… and I need to touch her to train her…"
"Wait are you telling me you have feelings for this girl?"
"Yeah…I do… and I don't know what to do… I don't want to push her and scare her off but at the same time I thing she needs a little shove in the right direction. Its like all the people in her life have given up or something."
"Wow, this is just wow Will. I mean out of all the girls in the New York area, of course you fall for the one who is the most complicated. Of course, you don't have enough you're your plate."
"It's not like that Tracy, she helps me too. I can't explain it, I just feel different when she is around. Like all the things I fight to repress every minute of every day stop, and I can think clearly."
"You are in love with her Will."
"Yeah I think I am. And that is the problem. She is scared of love."
"Well love has not been good to her. Look all I can tell you is to be yourself and use your instinct. If you do that you cant go wrong."
"That is so not true…"
"Will what happened in the past, was not you being yourself. Ok. You are not that person anymore. You never really were that person. Look, I know that you still feel guilty, but that has nothing to do with this. If you love Amy then you will figure it out."
