Chapter 44
"Do you want to stop at a café or something? Or would you prefer to go back?" asked Grissom.
They had just seen Lindsay skip off into her school building, her pony-tail bobbing cheerily. Her smiles and laughter this morning were as radiant as they had ever been. She was a joyful sight to behold.
Catherine considered the question warily. There were too many memories in that house now. But their conversation would take some time. She wondered which would be the better option, keeping in mind that the conversation would probably get very emotional. She decided that although a café would be good neutral ground, this conversation needed to be had where they could trash everything out without interruptions. The house would be better because they would not need to worry about the observations of others. Then hopefully they would be able to be more honest with each other.
"Let's go back to the house," she replied.
Both were careful not to say the word `home'. Catherine didn't know if she was welcome to call it home. Grissom hadn't felt at home in his house for some time. The drive back to the house was silent.
"Do you want a drink?" asked Grissom, when they had entered the house.
Catherine just shook her head.
Grissom shrugged and went into the kitchen. He came back out with a cup of coffee. He had been working the whole night. But he was determined to clear the air now.
They stared at each other across the coffee table. Neither knew exactly where to start. They only knew that they had to talk. They could feel a chasm between them, a barrier. It would be a difficult obstacle to cross.
"I fa.." started Grissom, deciding to forge ahead.
"I'm glad.." said Catherine at the same time.
They both stopped and laughed uncomfortably.
Grissom held up a hand and indicated that he wanted to go first. Catherine nodded.
"I feel like I failed you. Then Lindsay told me to go away because she wanted you. And I felt like I failed her too," began Grissom.
Catherine interjected, "Gil, she's five. She didn't really mean that she didn't want you. She was just upset."
"Hold on, let me finish. You're right, I agree. I was stuck in self-pity and couldn't see that before. You left because you thought it was the best for everyone. I guess I can see why, in a way. It was an opportunity to leave and you did. I just didn't handle the repercussions the way I should have," said Grissom steadily.
"I've had some time to think. All of our actions, are made based on our own decisions. You chose to leave, I chose to search for you. In the process, I neglected Lindsay when she needed me the most. So I did fail her. Fortunately, I had friends who looked out for her. I owe my team a lot for taking care of her. I had a talk with Warrick last night," said Grissom. He drank some coffee.
"You say that all you've done is hurt me. I'm not so sure all the blame is on your side. I should have accepted your decisions. I knew what I wanted and I was convinced that it was the best thing. But I forgot that you are a completely different person and so I've brought some of that pain on myself. I should have realized earlier that I can only accept what you chose to do, not change it. That was what I've been trying to do all along, change things, make them better. It just doesn't work that way," Grissom had stopped speaking directly to her. He was lost in thought and voicing out the conclusions in his mind.
"You said that you're sorry. Alright, I accept your apology and I'm sorry too," he said, turning back to her.
Catherine looked at him.
"I accept your apology," she said, formally, following his lead. She then waited for him to continue.
"You said you'd prove to me that you would stop hurting me. I'm telling you now that you don't need to. You don't need to prove anything to me because the way you choose to do things in life is part of what you are. It's what makes you Catherine. I don't need you to spend time trying to make up for everything that's happened. We'll consider our failures equal," he said stretching out his hand.
Catherine took it and they shook hands firmly.
"So we'll start all over again?" she said, still holding his hand.
"In a way, I guess," he gently pulled his hand away.
"We both want the best for Lindsay and I guess that means her having both her parents around always," said Grissom.
"Yes," agreed Catherine, unsure of where he was going with this.
"At least, we're now able to talk about things but I suppose you'd agree that we still have much to work through? What kind of a relationship can we have with each other and all of that," observed Grissom.
Catherine looked sad, but nodded.
"You mean that a simple conversation isn't going to erase all this," she said, gesturing vaguely.
"Our actions, the past. We have to work through them," she concluded.
"Yeah. Our actions and decision. We still have issues to talk over. But now I'm asking you what do you want to do after this?" said Grissom, calmly.
"Have lunch?" said Catherine, wilfully misinterpreting the question.
"You know what I mean, where do you want to go or what do you want to do," he explained.
Catherine looked down. Then she plucked up her courage to say what she wanted to say.
"I want to stay here, with you and Lindsay. I can work in the day and take care of Lindsay at nights. You can do the opposite. I think it would work out," she said carefully.
Grissom looked thoughtful.
"It's completely up to you, you know. This time, I mean it," he clarified.
"I know," she answered, looking into his eyes.
There was a pause. Catherine closed her eyes briefly and wondered if he would agree, he had every right to throw her out after all she had done. She wouldn't even blame him if he did.
"You can take the master bedroom and I'll convert my study into my permanent bedroom," were Grissom's next words.
Catherine opened her eyes.
"No, the master bedroom has more space. You'll need it to transfer all your things from the study. I need less room. That's what I choose," she said, with a sigh of relief.
He looked at her.
"Deal. We'll do the shifting later," he said wearily.
"Yes, right now, you'd better get some sleep," she told him.
Grissom nodded and headed off to sleep.
Catherine sunk lower in the chair and marvelled. That wasn't as hard as she had thought it would be. She would be able to stay with Lindsay and Grissom. She was very thankful. She smiled joyfully.
She knew that Grissom was right. There would be many things to work through. Such a simple conversation hadn't even addressed a quarter of the things that they needed to say to each other. But at least, she had a chance.
This time, she would be wiser. Leaving Grissom had never proven to be the better choice. Neither was leaving Lindsay. She needed to stop running away. She needed to accept and deal with her actions and their consequences. She felt positive that they would be able to work things out. Maybe even become a real family. It was time to settle down and live life properly.
