This is New Year's Eve/Day entirely from Edward's POV, I hope you like it!


Outtake: The New Year (Edward's POV)

So this is the new year.

And I don't feel any different.

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once

Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn

As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days

Then I could travel just by folding a map

No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways

There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year

-"The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie


The days leading up to New Year's Eve were unbearable. As I made my final preparations for the trip I could think of nothing but Bella. I did laundry, cleaned my room, packed my suitcase, and all the while, thought about her. The easy peace I'd felt since things began between us was gone. I felt sick to my stomach and only ate when Jasper and Emmett reminded me. I grew absent minded, losing my keys constantly, and misplacing my plane ticket and passport.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave her. In a wild fit of desperation one night I searched for flights to Italy for her. I had filled in all of the information and was one step away from clicking on 'Purchase Ticket' when I hesitated. She couldn't go with me. As much as I wanted her there, it didn't make sense. She had a full schedule lined up for her spring semester, she couldn't take classes in Italy on that short of notice, and she couldn't live with me there. I already had a roommate lined up. I sighed and closed the browser window, to keep myself from being tempted further. Fuck, she probably didn't even have a passport, I realized. Not to mention, the fact that I couldn't exactly see her father being supportive of the idea. I couldn't blame him, it was probably a father's worst nightmare. Frankly, he had been far more laid back than I had expected. Of course, he didn't actually know what was going on between us either. Hell, I didn't know what was going on.

I didn't really have doubts anymore that she had feelings for me. But I was very sure that she didn't know how to deal with them. I wanted desperately to tell her that I loved her, but I was worried about her reaction.

~BC~

I dressed mechanically for the New Year's Eve party. Boxers, undershirt, pants, button down, and a quick spritz of cologne. I smiled, reminded of the night at Rosalie's party when Bella had admitted how much she liked the way I smelled.

Even then I had struggled to read her. I suppose I deserved her though, I wasn't always easy to read either. Besides, a girl who didn't challenge me, bewilder me, and twist me up in knots would never have worked. I had met too many of them, vapid, insipid, boring. Bella might give me an ulcer some day, but she'd never bore me. My bags were packed and my paperwork was on the desk, ready for me in the morning. I hadn't been kidding about wanting something of hers to take with me when I left. There was a hoodie I'd worn the day before draped over the chair and I quickly sprayed it with a small amount of the cologne, too. I'd give it to her in the morning just before I left. I didn't want her to forget me when I was gone. Suddenly inspired, I dug through the desk drawer for a small pad of paper, writing a simple note to her, and tucking it in the pocket. I hoped she would find it there.

When I finally went downstairs Emmett had checked in with me to see how I was doing. Bella and Alice and Rosalie had come over a bit earlier and they were holed up in the other bathroom getting ready. We had a little bit of time before anyone arrived for the party.

"How you hangin' in there man?" he asked.

I raked my hand through my hair. "Fuck, I dunno, losing my mind."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"About what?"

"About the fact that you're in love with her." Emmett snorted.

"No."

"What is wrong with you?"

"I don't know. I keep second-guessing myself. She's giving me mixed signals. She looks at me one minute like she's in love with me, and then the next she jokes about me meeting someone else in Italy."

"Have you thought about the fact that maybe she's just scared?"

"Fuck, I know she's scared, Emmett. That's obvious. I just don't know if it's that she's scared by the idea of a relationship in general, or scared that I am going to ask her to be in one."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"She's so straightforward about everything but this."

"Then you need to say something. You can't leave with it hanging over you."

"I want to give her a little more time, but fuck, I'm leaving tomorrow."

"You gonna be able to handle that?"

"No," I snorted. "I'm going to lose my mind."

"Why are you even going?"

"Cause it was too late to drop it. I started researching it last year. And shit, last year it seemed like a brilliant idea. But that was before I met her."

"Yeah."

I sighed. "I just kept thinking things would cool down between us. I never expected to fucking fall in love with her. Shit, Emmett, it never even crossed my mind with any other girl."

He laughed. "Yeah well, I never expected I'd meet the love of my life when we played at the bar that night in Port Angeles, either."

"Christ, why didn't I come home with Bella that night?" I sighed.

"Uh, cause Jasper did?"

I glared at Emmett and he held up his hands in surrender. "Dude, I was just kidding around. You know he didn't touch her, man."

"I know. I just get fucking insane about her. I can't think straight."

"Well, you need to do something; it isn't like things are just going to magically drop into place for you."

"I know. Trust me, I know."

I could hear muted laughter coming from the bathroom upstairs and I was suddenly glad that Rosalie was back, for Emmett's sake, and for Bella's. I only hoped that Bella would miss me half as much as she had missed Rosalie. I went into the living room to finish setting up the playlist for the party. The guys had asked if I wanted to play with the band one last time before I left, but I had declined. I wanted the uninterrupted time with Bella.

I stood up when I heard the sounds of high heels coming down the stairs. I barely saw Alice or Rosalie, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Bella. Jesus, she was so beautiful. I watched her walk toward me in a daze, her eyes lighting up as they smiled at me. She wore tight black pants and surprisingly tall heels. The silky dark blue top she wore clung to her every curve. She'd filled out a bit since we'd met and I had to admit, I didn't mind the bigger cup size. She was beautiful either way, but the swell of cleavage that was just barely visible above where the shirt was unbuttoned, made me a little crazy. I wanted to press my lips to the soft skin there. The shirt had a fabric belt that tied in a bow around her narrow waist and I wanted to untie it, even though I knew it was completely decorative. I just liked the idea of unwrapping her like a present.

Her lips looked soft and kissable. Between the darkly defined eyes and the long swath of dark smooth hair, she looked edgy and badass. For a moment, I could picture her in tight leather pants and a corset and I had to will away the surge of need for her. I pulled her close and pressed my lips to her hair, telling her how incredible she looked.

"You look pretty hot yourself," she said, her eyes raking up and down my body. I breathed in her scent, trying to get my fill of it. I kissed her forehead, needing the connection to her and I smiled when I saw she was wearing the necklace I gave her. I had hardly seen her take it off except to sleep and shower and I liked seeing it there against her pale, smooth skin. I touched it, hoping she'd wear it when I was gone.

I pulled her tight to me, wrapping my arms around her waist, and she leaned against me, her arms looped around my neck. "I'm glad you're here," I whispered.

"Me, too."

"How was your week?"

"Alright." She shrugged. "It was good to spend some time with my dad."

I smoothed my hand over her hair, feeling the soft, slippery strands between my fingers. "He seems like a really good guy."

"He is." She smiled softly. "I don't know many dads who would have done as well with raising a girl on their own." She chuckled. "Although I suppose that's why I'm really not a girly girl."

"Well, whatever the reason, I like it. You're perfect." The words slipped from my lips without a second thought, and I meant them. That wasn't to say Bella was without faults. But she was absolutely perfect for me.

"Mmm, something like that." She rolled her eyes at me and I kissed her softly. Someday I'd convince her how amazing she was. She was an odd mixture of confident and too self-effacing. Her vulnerabilities didn't run bone deep like Rosalie's. For the most part she was quite sure of herself. But sometimes, especially when it came to me, she didn't think she was good enough. All I could do was try to change her mind, but it took patience. And time. Something I was rapidly running out of.

I was irritated when Jasper interrupted us and I had to let go of her to help him finish setting up the music for the party. I didn't see her again until the party was well under way and she and Rosalie were talking in the kitchen. I caught the tail end their conversation, something ridiculous about Emmett and a banana, which I decided I was much better not knowing about.

I nearly strangled Alice when she interrupted us to tell me I had to go fix my laptop. I had no inclination to go fix it, I just wanted to take Bella upstairs to my room, and spend the rest of the time before I left touching her.

I watched her surreptitiously while I fiddled with the laptop. As always, the logical part of my brain departed and I was left feeling needy and desperate. I didn't want to deal with the party that night, I just wanted to be alone with her. And when the jackass hit on her, I lost my mind. Every single insecurity I had about our relationship flashed before me and before I knew it, I had thrown her over my shoulder and was carting her up to my bedroom. She was less than thrilled and I mentally chastised myself for being such a possessive asshole. Frankly, I was glad she called me on my bullshit, and didn't just sit there and stew about it. Instead, she'd moved past it and it wasn't long before I was buried inside her. I was rough with her, but she responded eagerly, and after a satisfying shower, we went to bed. I have no idea how much sleep I got that night, but I know it wasn't much. Between the sick feeling in my stomach at the idea of leaving her and the nightmare she had, I was a wreck. I spent most of the night just watching her sleep in my arms. She was soft and beautiful and I would have given anything to take back my decision to go to Italy.

The time went too fast that night. Even after I'd come it wasn't enough, but it never would be, I knew that. And there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I was leaving her and it would be five months apart. Email, phone calls, or webcam they wouldn't be enough. I'd sleep for shit, without her nearby. I watched the light fill the room, slowly at first and then all of a sudden, the room was bright despite the gloomy sky.

The pre-dawn hours had been filled with me struggling with my conscience. I wanted to tell her I loved her and that I wanted an exclusive relationship with her, but as the sun rose I finally accepted what I'd been struggling with. I was ready for it, but she wasn't. I knew I ran the risk of losing her before we really began anything, but it was better than pushing her too far. I knew Bella well enough to know that if we confessed our feelings and then I left, without the reassurance of regular time together, she'd convince herself I didn't mean it. I wondered what it was that made her so afraid. I was sure that the way her parents' relationship had ended was part of it, but I wondered if there was more. I should have felt relief at making a decision, but I didn't.

I knew it would be bad, but it was worse than I'd anticipated. The pain in my chest felt as if someone had cracked my sternum open. I could hear my own breathing in the quiet room, harsh and ragged sounding. I traced a finger over her cheek and her eyelashes fluttered. She always complained that mine were longer than hers but her eyelashes were thick and dark against her cheeks. I knew she hated the way she blushed sometimes, but I loved it. Not that I wanted her to feel embarrassed, but her reactions were adorable. It was hard to make out in this light but I knew every tiny freckle scattered across the bridge of her nose. My finger moved across it and she wrinkled her nose.

She sighed in her sleep and turned over onto her side, tucking herself back against me, and I relaxed my arm around her waist. One arm slid under her pillow and the other reached for mine, pulling my hand up tight against her chest. We were both naked; I hadn't wanted anything between us that night. Sometimes she slept in a thin tank top and shorts, but often we fell asleep this way. Either too exhausted to bother to put anything on, or too comfortable the way we were. I brushed my lips across her shoulder and she relaxed against me. She slept for another hour and then I felt her move against me, sporadically at first, and then she sighed and stretched.

Before she even opened her eyes she wished me a happy new year. I hated that I was perversely glad that she sounded like she was fighting back tears. I was a bastard, there was no denying that. But it felt good to know that she was struggling, too. That maybe this wasn't quite so one-sided.

She rolled over to look at me and we talked about why I was going to Rome. I was angry at myself for applying to the program the previous year. It was before I had realized what she meant to me. Before we'd even touched or kissed for the first time. It was the biggest mistake of my life. She reassured me and her soft voice and even softer hands took away some of the frustration coursing through me. She reminded me that if she were in my shoes, I'd be telling her to leave and I laughed hollowly. I would, I wanted what was best for her, but if push came to shove I'd probably find a way to go with her. But I couldn't expect that from her. She wasn't there yet.

Instead of talking more, I slid inside her. It was cowardly perhaps, but I needed that connection with her, physically, if not emotionally. It was deep and intimate and exactly what I needed. When she asked me to mark her, it was all I could do to keep from coming inside her. She didn't like my jealousy, I knew that, but as long as she wanted to belong to me, in some small way, it was enough for now. Because I belonged to her completely.

I whispered how much I liked being with her. They were paltry words, but they were all I could offer her then. I'd made my decision. When I got home in May, I would tell her I loved her, and ask her to be my girlfriend. Hopefully my absence would have made her realize how good we were together. I could only hope.

After we got out of bed and were dressed and ready, I almost changed my mind and told her I loved her. It was right there on the tip of my tongue and at the last moment I faltered.

I gave her my sweatshirt and seeing her take hers off, then slip into mine, gave me a thrill. She looked so small in the large grey hoodie of mine, but warm and safe, too. When I saw her twist the necklace I had given her around her neck so that the clasp was in the back, I took a deep breath. She wore my necklace, my sweatshirt, and what was turning into a purplish-black mark on her neck. She was mine, as much as I could manage for now. I sighed internally; maybe I did need to work on my possessiveness. For the most part Bella didn't appreciate it, and I didn't want her to feel smothered. I clutched her hoodie in my hand, amused that it was basic black. It wouldn't have mattered if it had been baby pink, I would have still carried it with me, but Bella was most certainly not a pink kind of girl. Dark, rich purples, and reds, yes, blues, greens, greys, and blacks. But not pink.

I apologized for leaving and she nodded, coming into my arms to bury her face against me. I have no idea how long we stood there, I only knew that when Jasper knocked quietly on the door and reminded me it was time to leave I wanted to kill him. I kissed her goodbye, and I could see her struggling not to cry. That had to mean something.

I don't know how I had the strength to get into Jasper's car and let her go. We were twenty minutes from the airport when I freaked out.

"Stop, Jasper!" I cried out and he pulled over and turned to look at me.

"What the hell, Edward?"

"I can't fucking leave her."

"You don't have a choice. You just have to make the best of it."

"I ... fuck." I threw my head back at the headrest and closed my eyes.

"It would completely mess up your degree. You'd lose a ton of money, and have to scramble to make up the credits. You know this."

"I do, I just ..."

"I get it." His voice softened. "I would be tearing my hair out, too, if I had to leave Alice. But it is what it is. Finish the semester, come home to her and tell her that you love her. It's the only way."

"You're right. Thanks."

"Anytime. Now, we have to get to the airport, you're going to be cutting it close as is."

"I know. Let's go." I sighed and rubbed my thumb along the fabric of her sweatshirt that was still clutched in my hand. It was all I had of hers, and I'd have to make the best of it.


-Did you like hearing Edward's version of this?