So good. Warm, wet tightness envelopes his cock and his hips move in time with the blissful sensation. Something firm swirls along his length and he sighs, coming slowly awake.

Wait. Rey. She's not held tightly to his side. Where's Rey! His eyes fly open in panic and he sits up quickly only to be greeted by the delectable sight of Rey sliding her lips down his erection. Oh. Oh!

Kylo feels a slight push with the Force and he realizes she's encouraging him to lay back down. She continues to bob her head up and down and he lets himself drift in her generous ministrations.

He tries to discern where her lips end and her hand begins, but it's all just glorious. He tangles his fingers in her hair loosely, but doesn't push her down.

She confuses him when she pulls her hand away, then, Force! She widens her mouth and takes all of him until he feels himself hit the back of her throat. He's suddenly worried he'll choke her.

"Shhh … stop thinking so much. Just let go," comes through the Bond.

She again engulfs him to the hilt and his guttural moan fills the quiet morning. He feels her smile as her lips curve against him.

Her hot mouth works him swiftly to the precipice and his other hand joins the first, his fingers stroking through her beautiful hair. She hums in contentment and the vibration shivers along his length.

She grasps his balls and rolls them in her hand, adding to the rising tension. He knows he's going to come soon and he has to fight himself to keep from pulling her away.

Rey has made it abundantly clear that when she pleasures him like this she will enjoy it all and stars, coming in her mouth always leaves him in awe. It makes him feel possessive and strangely proud. It's a level of acceptance he can't quite fathom. From Rey this is a gift.

There, right damn there. She's sensing through the Bond, increasing the pressure at just the right moment and he can't keep from bucking up. But she still manages to time her downward stroke so that she's taking his entire length as he floods her mouth with his release. He feels as she swallows it down. Oh Maker, has any man been so blessed?

He pants quietly, his mind still foggy from sleep and his limbs languid with the lingering effect of his orgasm. She drags herself up his body and rests her head on his chest. His arms automatically circle her in his embrace and he kisses the top of her head.

She stays quiet as he recovers. Finally he murmurs, "Thank you."

"Mmm hmm."

"No … thank you. You … you don't understand what it means to me that you want to do that."

She goes up on her elbow and looks down on him. "What do you mean? It's not like you haven't experienced it before. You … with the others." She looks away.

He's seized with the fear that she's trying to prove something. He's about to ask when she shakes her head.

"No, I really do like it. But I will admit I've assumed it's not so different." She shrugs, but it seems anything but casual.

He cups her face with his hand and draws his thumb along her bottom lip. Her eyes hold a whisper of insecurity but she presses back against his fingers. "Trust me. It's night and day. They … it was … clinical. You … you want to, for me."

She frowns slightly and says, "Of course I do."

He runs his fingers along her cheek. "Yes my love, I know. I can feel it. Now," he says as he grabs her and flips her on her back. "It's my turn." He grins at her wickedly before kissing her deeply as she giggles.

Kylo pulls from her perfect lips and begins to suck and nibble his way down her body. He'd already feasted on her twice last night, but he's not giving up the chance to do so again before he must leave her for the day.

"You really don't need to reciprocate. Sometimes it's nice to just give," she sighs as she cards her fingers through his hair.

He returns to hover over her face, holding her eyes intensely. "That may be true, my dear, but it's nearly time for breakfast, and I'm hungry."


Kylo angrily shuts off his comm. This is the third time Hux has interrupted them. Yes, he was supposed to be on the bridge hours ago, but he can't bear to leave her. They'd gotten dressed then he'd undressed her again and now they're tangled together, sweaty and naked. He just can't stop touching her.

"I think he might show up here if you don't go soon."

"I'll just Force push him out the door," he grumbles.

"Kylo … " she admonishes. "Besides, it's nearly lunch and Kes will be here with Preslan shortly. I'm not sure she would recover from seeing you in all your glory, given that she's still not really used to you without your mask."

"I don't want to leave you," he whines against her shoulder while stroking his fingers along her belly."

"It will only be a few hours. I would like to spend time with Kes."

Fear shoots up his spine. What if Kes tells her about Eshara? He needs to speak with Kes before she arrives. Tonight. He'll tell Rey everything tonight.

He's going to have to get ready quickly if he's going to catch Kes in time.

"I suppose you're right," he groans, pulling himself from her delectable body.

Tonight. Yes. Tonight.


He'd intercepted Kes in time and instructed her to tell Rey nothing about the events on Eshara. She'd seemed extremely uncomfortable but had agreed.

Now he's attempting to focus on a rambling complaint from General Jehan. How had Demyan put up with the zealous general?

Fine, yes, it is strange to offer Leia Organa safe passage, yes things have been changing, but the way she rants, you'd think he'd disbanded the First Order and ceded their territory to the Ewoks!

He tosses the datapad down on his desk as he rises. He runs his fingers through his hair and decides to walk the bridge.

He's just finished his first circuit when Rey bursts in.

"You!" she hisses. She's wearing her usual tunic and leggings. He's thrilled to see her, but she's obviously angry and he's instantly concerned.

"Rey! What are you doing here?"

"You hit Vitok!" she loudly accuses as every officer turns to watch. Hux looks on, his posture stiff but his expression oddly smug.

"I …" Force, who told her?

"How could you? How could you?"

Kylo has to get control of the situation. Now. They can't do this in front of the crew. "Rey," he says gently, "let's go back to your rooms and talk."

"I'm not going anywhere with you until you explain why Vitok has your hand print across her face," she snarls.

Vitok is still bruised? How … how hard had he hit her? He should have gone to her already, apologized … he just couldn't face her.

"Then come to my office, please. Please," he entreats.

Her face is twisted with fury and she's breathing heavily. Eventually she snaps, "Fine."

He holds his hand out to her and she just looks at it for a moment then stalks past him into his office. He follows her quietly, dread and regret coiling in his belly.

He shuts the door and she stands facing him with her arms crossed. She hasn't looked at him like this in a long time and it scrapes along his heart to see the familiar hatred in her lovely eyes.

"You hit Vitok." She stares at him unblinkingly.

"Yes." There's no use denying it. He had planned on telling her everything anyway. "What else do you know?"

"Nothing. Vitok wouldn't tell me. She wouldn't even tell me who hurt her, but I guessed when she refused to say anything. Her reaction told me it was you."

He closes his eyes briefly. Vitok had shown him loyalty even after he'd struck her like that.

"I … I wasn't in my right mind. You were dying, Rey. You can't know what it was like, watching you leave me by inches, every day!" He's only had her back for two days and he's realizing he might lose her for good over this.

"That's no excuse for hurting her. The whole right side of her face is mottled purple. You did that," she asserts with venom.

"I know," he says miserably, remembering Vitok's disappointed eyes looking up at him from the ground.

"What the hell happened while I was … away? What would make you hit Vitok?" For the first time she's not just fire, she seems like she truly wants to understand. That she knows it's out of his character to hurt one of the very small number he cares about gives him a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, she will be able to understand why he did what he did.

He lets out a slow breath. "Eshara. I blamed the bombers of the mine for your condition."

Her eyes narrow. "What did you do, Kylo."

He looks at the flooring. "The investigation was stalled. I handled it. Personally." His hands flex as he chances a glance at her face. It's full of apprehension and stormy anger.

"What does that mean, exactly?" she asks shortly.

How can he explain Eshara? He's not even certain he knows himself why he acted as he did. "I interrogated people within the organization responsible, Shar Faen. I found their leader." He looks away. "I executed him," he says lowly.

She gasps. "You killed him? Was that why you hit Vitok? Was she trying to stop you?"

"No … I …" He remembers how desperate he was. How lost … He takes a deep breath. "I was going to have the entire organization and their families executed for their crimes."

Her hand flies to her mouth and she stutters out "Ch-children?"

"No! I was going to ensure they were given to good families! So that none of them grew up alone … like you did."

"Was going to? Maker, please tell me you didn't hurt those children." She shakes her head and looks at him with growing horror, stepping back from him.

He rushes up to her but she flinches and swiftly shrinks away. "No, no! I promise no. The children are safe. They all are. No one else died after Shar Faen's leader." Wait. That's not true. There were the two prisoners who tried to reach their wives.

He's about to correct himself when she says, "No one else? Who else did you kill, Kylo?"

His only chance is to tell her everything now. "A man died while I was interrogating him and another woman died from my orders. I misspoke earlier, after the execution, I also killed two prisoners when they broke from the group. Wylan killed a few others, I don't know how many," he recounts flatly.

Her eyes are hollow and she blinks slowly. Then she shakes herself. "None of this tells me why you hit Vitok."

She's right. Oddly, discussing his kills is easier than talking about striking his friend. "She was … she was trying to save the family members. I … I wouldn't listen …" The image of Vitok's smaller form flying back is looping through his mind. He just looks down, saying nothing.

The silence grows thick and he finally he chokes out, "Then she … she suggested that I don't love you …" He looks up furtively, finding her expression cold. He returns his eyes to the deck. "I snapped. I didn't think, I just acted and before I'd realized what I'd done … she was on the ground," he whispers. He hears the horrible sound of his hand connecting with Vitok's face.

"I see."

He doesn't think she does, he doesn't think she sees at all. She has no idea what he went through but the Bond is firmly closed so he has no way to show her. He's not sure he wants her to feel it, anyway. His storm nearly swallowed him whole this time and he wants to protect her from his madness.

Rey walks to his viewscreen and puts her back to him. She's holding herself tightly. After a long silence she slowly turns. "Is there anything else?" she asks tonelessly.

His eyes flit to hers. He'd already decided to tell her everything. "I threatened the doctors. I told them that their spouses would be killed if you died."

She nods, but shows no other reaction "What else?"

"Nothing else. That was everything that happened."

"There's nothing else you did while you were out of your mind?"

He shakes his head and looks deeply into her eyes. "No, that was everything."

Her eyes blaze and she points at him. "Because, I swear to the Maker, Kylo, if you are hiding anything else from me … " She stops pointing at him and her hand falls to her side. "No. I don't want to threaten you. But I need you to tell me everything. I can't find out something else later. I have to know."

Suddenly he remembers the last time he'd lost control of his reason, before Rey's illness. What he did to Kes. Maybe … maybe he should tell her that too. Thinking of Kes in the wake of what he did to Vitok makes him sick with shame.

"I wasn't trying to hide anything from you. I was going to tell you. Tonight." He opens his hands wide in supplication. "Please believe me."

"You should have told me yesterday, when we were alone."

"I know."

She takes a step towards him and he hopes she's going to touch him, but she stops, still several paces from where he's standing. She holds his eyes for a moment before saying, "Promise me there's nothing else."

He can't look her in the eyes. "There's nothing else from the last three weeks. You know about your mother. And mine."

She moves her face into his line of sight. "But?"

Kylo looks at the ceiling. "There is something else. Something I did that I shouldn't have done. That I should have told you."

His eyes return to her and she looks terrified. But she doesn't push, she just looks at him, her eyes huge with trepidation.

"You have to understand … it happened right after I found you, while you wouldn't see me. I don't … I don't handle it well when you aren't with me."

She's starting to breathe quickly in panic. "Who did you hurt? Did something happen to Finn? Did you lie when you said he was safe?"

"No, it's nothing like that. But … I did hurt someone. Someone you care about." He swallows before he forces out, "I … I invaded Kes's mind. Twice. Then wiped her memory."

She goes completely still and blinks rapidly. "You what?" she asks so quietly he can barely hear her.

"I know, I'm sorry, you'd been to see Wylan a second time and-"

"And you thought I'd played the whore, gone behind your back?" she nearly growls.

"No! Not really. I just … I kept imagine him touching you. I couldn't make it stop. That's why I …" He realizes he has to tell her that he resorted to the training room daggers … twice. She still has his blade. "That's why … when you saw the fresh scars ..." He can't seem to call it what it is. He cuts himself. He hurts himself. But he can't voice it.

Her eyes flicker with concern and she takes another step towards him with hands outstretched. She stops herself and her arms go around her torso, as if she's physically keeping herself from touching him.

"I also did it once while you were … gone," he admits softly.

Her eyes are so sad but she keeps herself firmly away from him. She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply before opening them. "I think I'm going to go now."

"What? No!"

"I need to think Kylo."

"But … please, I … are you going to shut me out?" he asks in a pitiful voice that makes him cringe.

The pain in her eyes deepens. "I just know I can't be around you right now."

"Please, just let me take you back to your quarters, we'll talk. I … you have to understand that I didn't mean to … I just … I was lost, you were gone, I couldn't think …" he pleads.

"No. I need time. You've just told me that you hurt my friend on top of hurting my teacher. You came to my bed with blood on your hands. I have to think. Please, don't make this harder."

He remembers what happened when she last needed time. He's not nearly recovered from her brush with death and he's not certain how he will cope if she pulls back from him. Something in him shudders and breaks and he rushes to her, grasping her by the biceps.

"Please, I just got you back. You can't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you. I'm asking to have a few hours alone." She places her hands on his chest but doesn't push him away.

"A few hours?" he asks in confusion. He thought she was about to shut him out for days, weeks … He can manage this.

"Yes. A few hours. I … I'll come to your quarters tonight, alright?"

They haven't been in his quarters in weeks and he doesn't like it. It feels like exile. But she's said it will only be a few hours. Perhaps it won't be so bad.

Gingerly, he pulls her into his arms. She stiffens, but then allows him to hold her.

Into her hair, he says, "Alright, Rey. I'll see you tonight."


Once she's gone he stalks his office in a circle. He can't possibly focus on the First Order right now. His hands are fisted and his jaw tight. He has no idea what tonight will bring, but he does know that he will come to Rey having faced one of his wrongs.


Vitok's door slides open and he's met with his handiwork. Rey wasn't exaggerating. There's a huge bruise on the side of her face, now turning a sickly yellow at the edges.

She says nothing, standing at her door, her face almost serene. He realizes she's leaving what happens next up to him.

"I'm sorry … Shree, I'm so sorry."

She startles at the sound of her old name. She purses her lips and conflict glides across her face. But then she nods slightly.

"I suppose you better come in, then."

His shoulders sag in relief. Maybe she will forgive him.

He follows her into her quarters and takes the seat she offers. She sits down across from him and regards him coolly, but there is just a bit of her kindness in those warm, brown eyes.

"I … I know what I did was unforgivable. I don't know how to begin to make it up to you … but, Force, I still can't believe I did that to you."

She's quiet for a moment. "It was worth it."

"What?"

"It woke you up, pulled you out of that place you go. I'd take that hit again and again if it meant saving those people."

"But … before, for the First Order …. that was not a particularly brutal tactic."

"No, but things are changing. In the right direction. You're changing them. And if I'd let you kill them, it would have all gone up in smoke. You'd be in that place forever. You were too dark, Kylo."

"I know ... "

They sit in silence, both looking at the low table in front of them.

Finally, Vitok asks, "Did you tell Rey?"

"Yes." He can't keep the regret from his tone. He should have told her about Eshara when he'd had the chance. It might have gone so much better.

"Everything?" Vitok asks with a raised brow.

"Everything. Even about Kes."

Vitok blinks in surprise. "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

"I hated keeping something from her. It … it was time."

"I'm glad you realized that."

Somehow it's turned into her counseling him instead of why he's really here. "I … I need you to know that I will never, ever hit you again. I promise. Never again."

"I know that. I knew that as soon as you gave Shar Faen to the Esharans to handle. Besides, I am, first and foremost, your comrade-in-arms. What kind of Knight of Ren would I be if I couldn't handle a single punch?" she asks wryly.

"You are far too forgiving," he says as he shakes his head.

A glimmer of anger glints in her eyes. "I never said I forgave you."

Kylo sits up quickly. "I …"

"Forgiveness is earned. It takes time."

He nods his understanding and takes in a quavering breath. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

Vitok reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder. "I know you are."


He sits nervously in his sitting room waiting for Rey to arrive. He glances occasionally at the small purple box. He's not sure she would appreciate a gift from him, but he's determined to try. She had said she wouldn't shut him out, but the afternoon of waiting and wondering has had him pacing and checking that everything is perfect for this evening. Dinner is ordered and will arrive shortly. She's not to have wine yet, so there is an effervescent citrus beverage he hopes she will enjoy.

His knees bounce and he feels about 13 years old. Then he hears a soft knock and he leaps to his feet.

He finds Rey still in her tunic and leggings, her hair back in three buns and his heart sinks. This is not a good sign.

They look at each other for a moment before he remembers himself. "Please, come in."

She crosses the threshold and he's not sure if he's allowed to touch her. He reaches for her and she looks at his outstretched hands then slowly allows herself to be enfolded in his arms. She loosely returns his embrace, but quickly pulls away.

"Rey …"

"I'm sorry … I'm very confused right now … I can't … I just can't."

"Alright … I … I understand." And he does. It hurts, but he does understand. What she's learned today is a great deal for Rey to take in and he wants to give her time, even if it's exceptionally difficult for him.

They silently go to his sitting room and he hands her a glass of the pale yellow liquid. She takes a sip and there is a small smile, but then her eyes fill with conflict. He sighs.

"Please, let's sit," he offers.

She nods and chooses the couch, allowing him to sit next to her. He's ridiculously relieved at her willingness to have him close.

She looks at him, chewing slightly on her bottom lip. "I need you to show me what happened," she blurts out.

"What?"

"I need to know what really happened. On Eshara. I think it will help me understand … make peace with it."

He shakes his head firmly. "No, that's not a good idea." He remembers how brutal he was with Jan Kressin-Vryn and he knows Rey will be disgusted.

"I don't care if you think it's a good idea. I have to know. If you want me to try and come to terms with the fact that you murdered several people and nearly killed scores of innocents, not to mention what you did to Kes and Vitok, I need to see."

That she wants to try buoys his spirits. But the thought of her seeing everything … the shame is ugly and hot. He looks down at his hands, trying to decide what to do.

"Look, Kylo. If you're worried that I'll shut you out, don't. If you show me, I promise I won't pull away. I just keep imagining and my head is getting away from me. If I just knew, I think I could work through it and find a way to at least put it behind us. I understand that these were … unusual circumstances."

"You do?"

"I do. I spoke with Kes and Vitok a bit, and they both confirmed that you really were nearly insane with grief. And I hate that you went through that. I truly do. The thought of you in that much pain, I feel it right here," she says as she holds her fist to her heart. "But … you hurt people."

"In my defense, they were terrorists."

"I know that, but you didn't even give them a trial."

"I assure you, I was in their heads, they were guilty."

"What about those two men who just wanted to save their wives?"

"They were with Shar Faen," he says with contempt.

"Do you even know what they did for them?"

"No …"

"One delivered messages and the other occasionally provided a safe place to sleep to people hiding from the First Order. Did they deserve to die for that?"

He wants to spit 'Yes' but he senses that is not the right answer here. So he says nothing.

"Shouldn't they have at least been given the opportunity to defend themselves?" she implores.

Well, there is logic to that. But everything was happening so quickly. "You were dying! I wanted them to pay for hurting you!"

"But they didn't hurt me. I did that to myself."

"You never would have been in danger in the first place if they hadn't destroyed the mine!"

"That's true. And for that, for the people who died that day, perhaps their leader did deserve his fate, but not the others."

He holds her eyes, trying to keep his temper in check. He may have his reason back, but no matter what, he's certain those people are why he nearly lost her. "We'll have to agree to disagree on that point."

She purses her lips. "Fine. But will you show me what happened so I can put this to rest?"

He realizes she's not been focused on her friend. He was sure that would be what would anger her most. "And what about Kes?"

Her eyes ice over and she says, "We'll talk about that after you show me. One thing at a time."

Perhaps he might be able to salvage something out of this. She's said she won't send him away again. "If I do this, you won't shut me out?"

"I promise."

He considers his options, looking at the ceiling. Maybe knowing truly will help her. But some of it was quite … gruesome. Though he is well aware of how one's own mind will usually imagine worse. Even so … he does not want to do this. Then he feels her small fingers on his arm and he startles, looking down into her face.

"Please," she implores. "This will help. I know it will."

"Do you … do you wish to see … Kes as well?"

"No … I know what it looks like when you invade a mind. I'm not sure I could forgive you if I saw you doing that to Kes," she says with tightly controlled fury.

"I know I was wrong to do-"

"I'm not ready to talk about that," she says with finality.

"Alright, Rey." He takes her hands in his and she squeezes back, giving him the hope he needs to share this with her.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Wait." She looks into his eyes. "I love you."

His heart soars to hear the confirmation that she still loves him. "And I love you, so very much."

She smiles. "Okay, I'm ready." He feels the Bond open.

He holds her eyes as he opens his mind and begins to share the events on Eshara, starting with his mental state.

Her eyes grow wide and she gasps.

"Oh, Kylo …"


Thank you so much to my splendid beta, CharlotteCAgain, who is always full of encouragement and soothes my insecurity with such grace.

Thank you readers! I'm so grateful for the time you give my story and every follow, favorite, and review makes me giddy. You are a really lovely group of people.