AN: This was inevitably going to happen, but now it's under different circumstances...quest wise.

Chapter 52

Throat

I retreated back to an old spot...the training room. Where no one actually trained, well, not at this time anyway.

I sat in the corner, like the wimp I am, and contemplated. The rummaging of conflicting thoughts swimming around in my head. There's not much I can do but figure out what I have to do.

Brynjolf was gone, I hadn't had much luck with anyone else. Karliah was off busy being Guildmaster and every one else knew to leave me alone. Heh, they must have suspected that me and Bryn were kinda close. I held my knees in and stared into nothing. I'm actually left with nothing. I want to do something though, but having no leads means rubbish.

The Realm-Walker...she...she told me to use my contacts. Contacts that I've made. The fences...the people I've assisted. Ironically. You speak with the right people and you get what you want in the end. They're not the generally most pleasant, but I've put up with much worse.

I'm...I'll be fine. I hope. I know...the curse unending of...my parents death. And the man I love, gone...and the girl I started to care for...vanished. I'm left with nothing much but my own shadow. But, there are those here, still, I can talk to. I'm moving. I'm alive. I'm...grateful.

The positive trail isn't supposed to make you feel fuzzy and warm inside but something to cling on to. I'm the Dragonborn, my role is to do the impossible. May not feel like but I can...I can get there. I have to believe. This is my story and I want to believe.

It's quite the task. I know where I mention that I'm over Mercer or I'm putting everything behind me. It doesn't mean that it won't show up from time to time. It's acknowledging that it happened and to make sure it doesn't get to me that often that I can succeed despite these hardships. That, what ever the world throws at me I can push back twice as hard.

The Shearpoint Dragon proved that. The Kynesgrove Dragon proved that. I'm at a stage with noticeable improvement. I'm shying away to cope and reason with myself. To decide the factors put in so I can get the desired results.

My goal. Is to get both Brynjolf and Ayisha back from where ever they are. I must note that in my head and make it amicable. Strange, I know but if I get the idea in my mind long enough I can trace back from the depths of the darkness that I tend to fall into, and grab hold and pull myself up and try again.

Saying that, it may never always work. But the meaning is to try and to fight. I can...I can do it.

I have to tell myself that.

I finally got myself off the ground and clenched my fist tight. Cling onto your goal Petra and you'll find a way.

I approached Karliah at the desk as she looked up at me. She's a fine Guildmaster, that's for sure. She's getting the respect she deserves. Not to mention she's a fellow Nightingale who can find common ground with.

"Everything alright Petra?" She asked me.

I nodded.

"I should be okay. I must apologise for my actions before. My...mind's been clouded and heavy."

She smiled at me.

"I'm not angry at you for that. I understand wanting to shed away from people. Losing someone is harsh. Losing those you care about is just plain cruel."

I kept forgetting she was in a relationship once with Gallus. She'd lost someone to betrayal and plotted for years to get her revenge. And she's...my boss. Took her a while but she got there eventually. I took that as a great example and inspiration.

"Then you know I need to find him. But I don't...I don't know where to start. I was thinking however, that maybe any of our contacts may have seen him." I told her.

She crossed her arms.

"It's a start. I'll talk with the others about speaking with anyone who may have seen him. But...what will you do in the mean time?"

I hadn't thought as much. But the thought crossed my mind...Arngeir. He...He might know, if not...I could really use some guidance right now.

"I'll be out. Searching myself, but. I still need time to think."

Karliah nodded.

"Okay. Just...be careful. I don't fully understand the whole ordeal myself but. Don't forget the others here will be able to help and I will always be here if you want to talk."

I smiled weakly.

"Th...thanks."


I'd taken Cody, thankfully my original companion was still with me, to High Hrothgar to speak with the Greybeards to determine the next possible steps. On my trip through the fields of the Rift, I thought to study the topic of the Dragon Priests themselves. I still had the mask of Krosis, whom I had yet to determine it's use, but it definitely had a magical aura about it.

But it was so strange. I thought I was used to be alone but now...it's just empty. My time with Bryn made me more open, but now...people annoy me again. Gods, what I wouldn't give to see his smiling face again.

He was in my forethoughts, along with Ayisha. I will find a way.

I made it to High Hrothgar, heart still heavy but I was moving still. Good.

I found Arngeir in prayer...oops probably not the best time...

"Ah don't worry Dragonborn, we've always got time for you." Arngeir stated, getting up.

My current expression was mostly deadpan, but it was better than just having a appallingly upset face.

"You look troubled. Speak your mind."

I sighed.

"I'd like to pray beside you, if that's okay."

Arngeir grinned.

"Certainly. But still speak with me."

Arngeir was one of those people that you know have years of experience and know's what he's talking about. I sat on my knees before him in the middle of the monastery. You could sense his wisdom without him saying anything. It's obvious well, because he's old and grey...hence, Greybeards. But it also commands respect and admiration. I'm still young but at my age you would think I would be at best knowledgeable and brave. I'm free to admit my cowardice but in my heart, it screams for me to be proactive. It's deep down there I can feel it. When you're riddled with despair and anguish, it grows around that and you're stuck where you are, unable and useless. Like I was before.

To know is one matter. To do is another. They're important to solving this. I was never the best at this, but if I am to make any sort of difference at all, I have to be proactive again, on the move, to think steps ahead.

How much of me, however, is the Dragon spirit taking control and how much is me. Is it my Dragon-self who takes hold when ever there is a critical moment and handles it? Or is just me, Petra, as a person. I asked Arngeir this very question.

"You are your own person Petra, whether you believe there is a reason for your capabilities is because you can do them. Putting other factors in is irrelevant. You are Dragonborn, meaning you would have been like this since birth. Akatosh fathered your spirit, and made you who you are. You would have split moments where it felt like something inside you had come out and conquered, but you've been doing that all your life. You remember these times...do you not?"

I looked at my own hands. Each arrow fire and each swing thrown were within my own hands, driven by fury.

"You are, literally born to do it. Grown to have a natural reaction to use what you know. A fire that is forever lit in your heart that can never be put out. You can be disciplined to use your abilties or not, that is your choice. Occasionally it seems like it may take hold but it's actually where you've made the split decision to do it, not realizing you've made this decision subconsciously."

Subconsciously. I...wanted to. I wanted to do these things. Because maybe I knew I could, but when push comes to shove it had to be done. I needed to do it. That's what it had to be.

"So I've killed dragons not because something took hold of me, but somewhere within me told me to. I had convinced myself to do so despite all the...despair. Because I knew what would happen if I didn't. And by the power of knowing, I am not left with much choice than to take them down because it had to be done." I tried to explain.

Arngeir nodded.

"I figured you had once didn't want to take the responsibility when you didn't come in the reasonable time frame for you to find us. Because you were unsure. But I see you are now within the set mindset you have made for yourself to begin to believe and take it as your own. Petra, do not doubt yourself for a second that you're not able to enact. You do. You only see your own faults..."

(Blinded by Failure.)

"Take a good look at what you've accomplished. The Gods would not have gifted you and protected you otherwise."

Not to mention having Nocturnal's back has been pretty handy.

"Because they know I can?" I wondered.

Arngeir nodded again.

"Exactly. Do you not find yourself skipping the greater details?"

I started to fidget with my hands. Yeah..I guess...

"Because I'm doing what's expected of me. Why should I give myself praise for doing what I was told to do?""

The look on his face became stern.

"Believe it or not, nothing is ever easy. You are told to do a task but not everyone gets it right or triumphs in the ways that everybody expects you to. But when it's done right, it's a rare sight to see. The sense of professionalism in getting the job done is greatly desired by a lot of people. In your case, Dragonborn, finding your destiny is considered unique and unseen by the current generation. That you are satisfying their needs with your disposition, their subconscious opinion on how Dragonborn operate. You are, dispelling the myth and making others believe. It doesn't just go for Dragonborn either. People see you in a better light and actually can trust you to do what's necessary to get the job done. They're...happy...elated that you succeeded where others have failed."

I sort...of understood where he was getting at.

"These people...don't know me very well as a person however. But they already like me because I had already done what they've asked me to do. I guess I can see how that gets their favour. But if you're seen as in the business, that they know that you can offer them that service, isn't in that they expect you to do it anyway? That you can do it irregardless of circumstances?" I questioned.

"We've always sat on the prospects of doubt, loss of hope and uncertainty, as mere mortals finding their way in the world. You rid their doubt, you've earned their appreciation and kindness. As Dragonborn, you prove it to them. Then their eyes will open and they will begin to respect you."

I just...just didn't think...

"It's not to say you need to boast your deeds. It gives people the right idea about you, through word of mouth. Bolsters your reputation. But, you're not highly arrogant about your abilities, which is Dragons themselves have always been high strung and arrogant in their powers, simply because of what they are and what they can do. You role is you're more of a Dragon of humility. To teach them a lesson."

I think I remember that part. I am one of them incarnate, born to serve as their antithesis.

"But don't forget yourself in the role. The Gods made you to allow you be who you are. They're rewarding you for your efforts. I told you before on how your dragon spirit reacts to certain events. To you, that is natural. Always will be. It is a part of you."

To be me the coward or to be the one who questions the Gods logic? Maybe. I aim to make my own purpose and to be allowed to be who I am. I am supposed to be Dragonborn but Arngeir states that I am allowed room to grow as a person. I...I see that now.

"I am simply wary of burdens placed on me. But you say that's okay?" I asked.

"Yes." The Greybeard answered.

"The Gods know that you have limitations. That's a purpose. But you can evolve. It's a journey that has lots of complications but in the end, it's about what you want and how you can get it without compromising who you are."

I know what I want. But I will not take the paths that Mercer took, what the Dragons took and I will certainly not let Prolg's or the Cult's plan change that. I won't let them.

"You will find when you'll accept that, Dragonborn. Many have come here questioning the very thing to discover their purpose...or to find enlightenment."

I certainly feel enlightened though. But I will continue to be myself but also want to improve myself. That's a definite. These times are difficult. I've seen and helped the Guild grow again. That, is a great achievement that I always undermine. I vastly underestimate myself because, like Arngeir said, I know my limitations. But if I stay me and have confidence, I will...I will be able to find truth within.

"So...you're not sure of yourself just yet...that's okay. You will. But I suspect you're here for more than a philosophical discussion about a sense of self. Your eyes speak more than your lips."

I couldn't hide it.

"Out of all the people, we'd met up with Brynjolf's father..." I admitted.

His eyes widened.

"You met up with Prolg? Then what happened?"

I told Arngeir everything from Kynesgrove, to Shearpoint and finally the borders of Skyrim and Cyrodiil. My heart ached from describing the most painful of moments. My throat clogged up towards the end and my eyes watery.

"The Cult...got Brynjolf...he's not...he's not..."

I just let myself weep. The very thought...his voice, those eyes...

"Your tears explain well enough Dragonborn. I had suspected Prolg had ties to the Cult for a long time. Unfortunately I didn't have enough proof. The only thing I had was a letter...saying where the book was and that expect the Dragonborn to ask for it. But...now I know why..."

I nodded.

"I do not have much information for you of where the Cult or Brynjolf might be. But, you may be able to speak to our leader, Paarthurnax about it."

My eyes widened.

"Truly?" I said with shock.

Arngeir rubbed his beard.

"I was going to wait until you were ready to allow you to meet him in his usual spot on the peak of the Throat, but now I see where now, of all times, it's getting too dangerous to allow the Dragon Priests to return at full strength. Paarthurnax should be able to answer those questions for you. We can still advise you as best we can, but are you, ready within yourself to go on?" He asked.

I nodded with certainty.

"I am. I must consider all possible options with any cost. I will speak with Paarthurnax."

I said with confidence and assurance.

Arngeir smiled.

"Good...now the road to the top is perilous. If you follow me outside, I will teach you a new shout..."


Didn't think it'd be that bad. But, hey, he's the Greybeard and I'm the amat-...okay, think positive. I am just the lowly...no that's not positive enough. I am a professional thief, with the gift of Dragonblood who will get better with time and teaching. There...good...feel better now.

Arngeir taught me and gave me his understanding of a unique shout, that looks interesting...

Clear Skies... to help clear the way to Paarthurnax. This Greybeard, the leader apparently, lives in seclusion on the very top. I wonder if he ever comes down. Seriously, even I wouldn't want to be THAT isolated.

Arngeir looked at me with a assured expression.

"We all have faith in you, Dragonborn. You know to be cautious, always. Keep that in mind."

I nodded in acknowledge and headed towards the gateway with the fast brisk, nearly magical freezing wind before me. I looked at it, feeling it's chill, even for a Nord. I inhaled deeply...

"Lok...VAL KOOR!"

The power of the shout cleared the way, revealing the path set before me.

Here we go...

As I made the climb, there were few more of these mystical gusts of wind that I dispelled quickly and I encountered a few frost wraiths and a troll, but I took them down rather quickly. I am capable...these creatures are never easy. I see...I see that now as well. To find those who were a challenge that are now easier to fight, is telling of my own levels of power altogether.

I am born for many reasons and I am here, alive, still alive despite everything. I am given these as tools to use for my own survival and I am, determined to utilise them as best as I can. This is who I am, I am Petra...thief, stealer of valuables and dragon souls. Amusing title indeed. If I am to feel good about myself, I must point out all the feats that I have undertaken and determine whether they were considered a task once considered impossible but then proven otherwise.

For confidence is key to finding and helping Brynjolf and Ayisha and taking down the Cult of Slaughter for their treachery. This is what I must do, I have to do it. The goal is in my head and I will see it through. No matter what.

I made it to the top, seeing a snow-veiled dragon wall and looked beyond the mountain to see the majority of Skyrim before me. I was captivated by the beauty of it. It...was...refreshing, scary and breathtaking.

Only if Brynjolf were here to see it with me. And Ayisha would love it too, no doubt.


I heard wings flapping and...the reaction was expected as I froze. No... no...no no no no no not here, not now! I didn't need this! Why? Why? Why? Ugh! Please...just...

I turned around as I heard the creature land before me. Odd, they normally never land first. They usually land when they've been greatly injured...but...

This one looked old...and grey and had looked like he'd seen better days, his wings tattered. I gulped as I stared at him, stuck in the moment. I wanted to get myself to do what I did before at Shearpoint, but...I had to be adamant and want even if I despised it and feared it so. But his aura, his stance just seemed different to all the dragons' I'd encountered. The word I would use, would be...

Warm...

Ironic.

"Drem Yol Lok. Greetings, wunduniik. I am Paarthurnax. Who are you? What brings you to my strunmah ... my mountain?" He spoke, voice low, old, loud and wise.

I blinked. He...wasn't attacking me? He sat that with his head tilted, awaiting a response. But I couldn't open my mouth. I would have gone catatonic again. Using Karliah's words, it's just plain cruel. I wanted to avoid this, but again, I know...but odd feelings were piled on top. His name...hmm...

"Do not be afraid, goraan gein. I am a dovah, a dragon yes, but I am unlike the rest. I serve as master for the Greybeards."

Wait...yes. Paarthurnax. The one Arngeir told me to speak to. But...he was a dragon? I lowered my head in a feeble attempt to bow to it. My breath was heavy and burdened. Why wasn't I told this? What the...no...Gods please, don't make me...why? Just...

"You...hmm...I should have expected this. Krosis...I have seen that reaction before. faas do dovah, fear of dragons..."

He knows, he's seen it, felt it, known it previously, suspecting his previous victims. But, he was like Arngeir in that respect. The air of wisdom and experience surrounded him. I am not meant to give in to the phobia, but...his very image was striking. I gulped as the symptoms made themselves known...feeling ill, the sweats. Yes, it was all still there.

But he was busying studying me, not attempting to attack. I can't...I can't shake it.

"It is wise not to trust a dovah...but Arngeir, and others, save their breaths to protect me. But I will make good on my honour to not attack you. For it was I, who helped teach mortal kind learn how to use shouts."

So...there are...good dragons?

I tried fighting off my phobia like I did before, I made one step forward. His size made it difficult to amend anything. But I could now at least manage to open my mouth...

"I...I was...was told...you...you could help me?" I stuttered. I had to be strong and make myself work. I was still stunned at his stillness, calm. Not a wind of anger within him. You'd think I'd be calmer? You're wrong. Still...conflicted.

"Help you? Maybe...what is it that you need help with hm?"

I pursed my lips. Petra, just...just do it.

"I need...help...with...with find-finding the Cult...of...S-Slaughter."

He stretched his neck and wings.

"Zaag do Kriind? Hmm...ahh the descendants of the Dovah Priests. Yes, they were formidable...the most powerful mortals that lived during the War, empowered by us to enslave mortal kind. I have not kept track with them for some time..."

Great...stuck up here with this ancient dragon embarrassing myself with asking questions that obviously had no tangible answer. It wasn't so much that he was being civil with me, it's just the phobia's tendency to just know what the dragon is capable of and the memories of Helgen flood back to me in many ways. To me they're just...Gods...

"Hmmm...I sense something within you...you...are you Dovahkiin."

I gulped. Oh no...no...I shook my head...no no no...please...

My breathing got heavier.

"Your spirit burns brightly, yet you shy away. You see me as a dragon irregardless. I will not harm you Dovahkiin. For you are Dovah yourself. Zu'u los hin soskiin, I am your brother..."

Brother? What in Nocturnals name was he on about?

"You are...our younger...though joor, mortal, no need to fear family."

Family...

My family's...gone...

But he was looking at me...as his...sister? I don't know...

"To prove I am willing to help you, Dovahkiin, There are formalities that must be observed, at the first meeting of two of the dov. By long tradition, the elder speaks first. Hear my Thu'um! Feel it in your bones. Match it, if you are Dovahkiin!"

I watched as he moved to face the word wall, shouting a flame into it. He turned his head to me, and nudged his head to usher me closer.

"Come...read it...inherit the flames of our brethren."

Each step required more effort than the last, taking deep breaths. Go Petra...do it...

I eventually made it to the word wall itself and inspected the word It absorbed into me.

Like the Greybeards, Paarthurnax granted me...his understanding of the word, Yol.

"A gift, Dovahkiin. Toor. Understand Fire as the dov do. Now, show me what you can do. Greet me not as mortal, but as dovah!"

He...wanted me to shout on him? I...I don't know...my throat is locked up so tight with anxiousness.

"Do not worry..." He told me.

I nodded. I took one long deep breath and shivered before I shouted.

"YOL TOOR!"

I surprised myself with the barrage of flames that surrounded Paarthunax briefly. He didn't appear hurt, but he spread his wings again, overjoyed by the looks of it.

"It's been long since I had a tinvaak with a dovah. The dovah sos, the dragonblood runs strong within you."

Still had doubts but coming from a dragon, it felt like it had more confirmation. Still...

He did help me learn. I just never thought a good dragon would ever exist. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I wanted to trust him as a Greybeard, but couldn't because he was a dragon.

"So...you want to find the Cult of Slaughter hmmm? First, tell me...you are dovah...why do you fear your own kind?"

I held my arm in. I really didn't want to tell the story again.

"Helgen..." I managed to stammer out. Gods help me.

"Hmmm...yes...I heard about that. In fact, I had heard Alduin heading in that direction. You must have encountered him there yes?" He asked me.

I nodded.

"Krosis. I apologise that you had to go through with that. Had I known you were there, I would have gone to help out. But...alas...I must stay here. Meditation proceeds me. What I can tell you however about the Zaag do Kriind, the Cult of Slaughter was that they were created in secret after Alduin had been cast upon the currents of time. They...had somehow known that he would return someday as his role as the Lein Nakaan, the World Eater. The Priests left behind were sealed but their families were hiding in secret, not wanting that fate. I recall a Dragonborn during those times, back when no one of us knew the real power of this individual, had slain the Head Priest, Zoklotinhaar and fled. The Cult looked after his family knowing one day, that he would return to serve Alduin and take back Keizaal, known to you as Skyrim."

I nodded with haste.

"Yeah...yeah...well...my friend...has been possessed, possibly by that priest." I informed him,

Paarthurnax looked downwards, deep in thought.

"And that does not bode well with anyone. Zoklotinhaar is very powerful. Your friend...yes...it is said that he would return for his Dragon master, as Alduin's favored. He was...taught different thu'um than anyone else. Unique to him, taught by Alduin."

I had to know...

"I...have to find him before...it's...it's too late..." I continued to stutter. Different thu'um meant trouble.

"Of course. Hmm...like I said, I do not know where, but I do know who you can speak to...have you ever heard of the Laaglein?" He asked me.

I shook my head.

"Hm...I suspected. It is, a world beyond our own. A dream world. Where you can find the jen dovah, the amethyst Dragons."

Never heard of them. Interesting.

"They have had contact with the ancients nords during their eternal slumber. However it has gone krent, unstable. I can get you there...you must sleep however. Do not fear the Jen Dovah. Did you know a dovahs name is made up of three dragon shouts? One dovah that roams the suleyksejun, Hahnubopraan...should be able to help you find the Cult. Hear his name on your tongue!

Hahnu! Bo! Praan!"

Didn't need much to understand there. Summoning a dragon...hehe...yeah...looking forward to that...not...

"How...how will I get there?" I asked.

Paarthurnax ushered himself into the curl of the wordwall, as if shielding himself from the wind. Must be a pretty old dragon then. He then raised one of his wings at me.

"It requires drem, peace, and patience. You would have had access to it, but not call upon the dovah who tends to it. But, if you rest your head here, underneath my wing, I will give you the influence needed to go to the dream you need to find yourself in to get closer to Hahnubopraan."

What? No...no way!

"Is...is that the only way?" I questioned, not really wanting to even touch a dragon if I didn't have to.

"You would...but your fear of us pushes you away. The Laaglein detects this, and rejects you entering the realm. A dovah can help you, but I do not think they would be as equally hospitable as this old dovah."

I gulped and fidgeted. Come on Petra, just...try...if you don't try you won' t know if you'll succeed. This can be another step in combating the phobia. Paarthurnax is the nicest dragon you'll ever meet. You fear his image, his species but not him as an individual, see reason Petra...just...

Again, more steps with effort required as I got closer to him. My heart was beating extremely quickly and my stomach twisted, but I wasn't going to hurl. After Kynesgrove made it a bit easier, but still reluctant.

I had to lay myself underneath his wing, wary if touching him was going to set anything off. I set up a roll and rested. I didn't want to close my eyes, simply just because. I don't have to explain.

"Pruzah gluus ahrk praan vahk, Dovahkiin. Good luck and rest easy."

I eventually forced myself to close them and huddle myself in as Paarthurnax lowered his wing.

Thank Akatosh for having at least one decent son.