He knew as soon as he walked in the living room something was wrong. Wild brown eyes stared back at him when he got over to the couch. She sat up enough that Sam could sit down. The moment he put his arms around her she burst into tears.
"Shhhhh, it's ok," Sam rubbed her back.
"I woke up and ... you ... you weren't here."
"I'm right here. I just took our bags upstairs."
Sam stretched her out so her head was in his lap. He ran his hand up and down her back.
He thought she'd fallen back asleep so her tear filled, "Don't leave me," startled him. Sam pulled her up so she was sitting in his lap. Taking her face in both his hands, Sam wiped the tears away, her words bringing back memories of her nightmares after the grenade.
"I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you after 1 of your nightmares last year, I'm not leavin' you, McNally, not now, not ever."
Andy dropped her forehead onto Sam's chest as she whispered, "I'm sorry."
Sam rested his chin on top of her head and rubbed his hands up her arms. "Don't be."
Andy looked up at Sam. "So much for that lion's heart."
Sam smiled as he kissed her. "McNally, it'll take more than this to kill that lion's heart of yours."
Andy gave a soft smile.
A knock at the door startled Andy. "Shhhhh, it's just the cleaners picking up your uniform."
Sam got up and answered the door. He returned to the living room a few minutes later.
"What you must think ..."
"What I think," Sam said as he pulled her back onto his lap, "is that I love you ... you're gonna question a lot of things, but don't question, don't doubt that."
There were tears in Andy's eyes as she kissed Sam and said, "Thank you ... for loving me ... for sitting there and listening as I relived every detail, more than once ... for giving me someone who's been on this roller coaster and who understands ..." she had to stop and swallow the emotion before she could continue. "I know I've put you through a lot this year ... Jerry, watching me hold a grenade, sitting by my bedside after I got shot, now this ..."
Sam stopped her with a kiss. "None of that was your fault and I told you once, I'll tell again, there's nowhere else I wanna be ... we're on this roller coaster together."
Sam never failed to amaze her, Andy thought as he got up to answer the door for the delivery guy. He had been the constant in her life since her rookie days. She couldn't imagine her life without him, didn't want to.
She'd done a lot of thinking since she'd woke up, since she freaked out because he wasn't right there when she opened her eyes. Both Sarah and Sam had told her Sam had loved Sarah through it, problem was, Andy didn't think that was fair, because this time, this time, it affected Sam as much as Andy. She knew he'd talked to Sarah, but Andy needed him to talk to her ...
Sam kissed her temple as he sat behind her. "Where'd you go, McNally? You been somewhere other than my arms since you woke up ..."
"Just thinkin'," Andy said as she kissed his cheek.
Sam gasped. "You? Thinkin'? Imagine that," he laughed as he kissed her. "What were you thinkin' about, baby?"
Andy looked away and Sam's breath caught. "Baby, talk to me ..."
Andy turned back to look at Sam. "I think my thank you earlier covered a lot ..."
"Andy ..."
"You had every reason to hate me, yet I survived the worst shift of my career because of you ... and I didn't think anything could top getting shot or having to shoot someone else. You were the reason I tried so hard. At first I needed to prove I wasn't the screw up you thought I was ... then, I needed to make you proud ..."
Sam brushed her hair back before he kissed her and whispered, "You did ... you still do. My God, woman, I don't know many women - Noelle and Peck excluded - who could, who would have the presence of mind to take control of their assault and end it. My sister said if I felt guilty you'd blame yourself, but I'm pretty sure you already blame yourself ..."
"Why would you feel guilty?"
"Because I wasn't there to protect you ... I keep thinkin' maybe if it had been me instead of Collins ..."
"Sam, no. I'm not gonna let you do that ... I told you once I got my strength from you, it was true then, it's still true. Remember I said being a woman overrode being a cop in that moment?"
"Yeah."
"Wanna know what I was thinkin' in that moment?"
"What baby?"
"That I had to get home … to you."
Sam smiled. "Believe me, baby, I'm glad you did, you do."
"Remember that question you walked in on?"
"I'm not likely to ever forget it, McNally."
Andy laughed softly before she kissed him. "Who woulda thought you'd be embarrassed about our sex life."
"My sister doesn't need to know mine anymore than I need to know hers, thank you."
Andy laughed again.
"It probably doesn't make sense, but Sarah validated my fear then assured me I didn't have to be afraid ..."
"Of what, baby?"
"You looking at me different, you never wanting me that way again ..."
"I will always want you ..."
"I know that in here," she placed Sam's hand over her heart, "but here," she knocked on her head, "is afraid to believe that right now."
Sam mumbled something about a "hard headed woman" before he kissed her. He broke the kiss off sooner than Andy wanted but if they went all the way, their first time since her assault would not be on the couch!
"Don't look at me like that ..."
"Like what?"
"Like you're afraid that's all I wanna do."
Under any other circumstances never mind 50 shades of grey, Andy would've been 50 shades of red with embarrassment, but she needed to know ..."Is it?"
Any other time he would've teased her, but it was too soon, too raw, so he motioned for her to get up. Standing, he took her hand and led her upstairs.
In their bedroom, he stopped next to the bed and turned her to face him. Cupping her face he asked, "Are you ok?"
Was she? She wanted him as much as ever, but was she really ready for this? She bit her lip.
"Andy?"
Looking into Sam's eyes, Andy saw the concern he felt overriding anything else he felt.
Reaching up, Andy took his face in her hands. "Are you? This isn't just about me ..."
She stopped him before he could brush off her concern when she whispered, "Talk to me, Sam, I can't do this without you ..."
Sam wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. Andy put her head on his shoulder as she put her arms around him. Sam kissed her temple. How did he tell her he was just as scared as she was? It would kill him if he did anything to hurt her.
Something was wrong, Andy could physically feel it. "It won't go away, y'know."
Sam pulled her away enough that he could look at her.
"Whatever it is that you're not tellin' me, it won't go away just because you don't."
Sam shook his head as he laughed. "Ok, ok."
Sam sat on the bed and pulled her onto his lap. "For the record, my sister would have my ass if she knew we were havin' this conversation."
Andy giggled as she put her head on his shoulder and waited for him to talk ...
"Remember I told you that I'd worried about my sister so long it was part of who I was?"
Andy nodded into his shoulder.
"I never thought I could or would love someone that I would feel that same depth of fear and worry over ... then you came into my life. I knew when you hooked up with our buddy GQ that even if we were never more than friends I would worry about you for the rest of my life. But this is the first time I've ever been afraid that I would be the one to hurt you ..."
Andy lifted her head and looked at Sam, there were tears in his eyes.
"It's ok for my sister to tell you to let me touch you, but if you're not ready for that ..." Sam swallowed emotion that threatened to choke him it was so strong.
"Yeah, I know I hurt you that night at the Penny, but this, this is different ... and if I hurt you now, how do I forgive myself for that? How do you forgive me?"
Andy stood up to face Sam, her voice was raw as she fought back tears as she took his hand and said, "You're afraid to touch me, and I'm afraid you never will. That the only touch that I'll remember," she paused to swallow, "is his. That the only touch I'll feel is his."
She gave a self deprecating laugh. "If it's this bad just through my clothes, I don't think I'd survive if he actually touched my skin."
Sam stood up. "Yeah, you would, because next to my sister, you are the strongest person I know. You can forget, you will forget he touched you. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but you will forget, he won't even be a memory ..."
