54.

"The first time I was here, I told you that he managed to get to me."

"I remember," Dr. Lindstrom confirmed. "You didn't want to elaborate on that then."

Olivia flopped back into her chair.

"Well, I guess I'm ready to elaborate on it now."

"Please do," Dr. Lindstrom said, holding up his hands to show her he wasn't writing anything down.

Olivia knew he would be able to make notes afterwards but she would have to trust him now. She took a deep breath and tried to remember how she'd told Elliot about what had happened. But she wasn't going to give out that many details. She reminded her therapist that she was able to knock Lewis out and that she had handcuffed him to the foot of the bed. He remembered.

"Alright. Once he was handcuffed, I didn't call for backup right away. I'm not sure why. I was just so angry with him and I wanted him to pay for what he'd done to so many people. I knew it was wrong, but I ... I wanted him to suffer and ... I wanted to kill him."

Dr. Lindstrom opened his mouth to say something but Olivia stopped him.

"Please, let me finish."

She knew what he had wanted to say anyway. That her feelings were completely understandable after what she'd been through. She knew that. Her actions on the other hand ... she needed to tell him about her actions.

"In my statement, I declared that Lewis woke up and managed to get into a standing position and lunge at me."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded.

"That was a lie."

She registered the surprise on his face and bowed her head.

"I lied because I knew the truth might give him a way out, again."

She was so ashamed of herself that she didn't dare look at the man in front of her. It wasn't until she heard his kind voice, that carried no judgment at all, that she glanced up at him again.

"So you acted on your feelings and beat him up while he was handcuffed."

She nodded and sighed. Clearly Dr. Lindstrom had been briefed about Lewis' condition when they found him.

"And then I lied about it. And the only way to get out of this mess is to continue lying. And that ... that's not who I am."

Her voice was barely a whisper when she added sadly, "Well, it's not who I used to be."

"I understand," Dr. Lindstrom said, and she actually believed him. "But you haven't told me yet how Lewis got to you."

Olivia rubbed her clammy hands over her thighs nervously. This was the difficult part, and it was the part she needed help with. So she continued telling her therapist how she'd been talking to herself while Lewis had been unconscious, wondering what to do with him. How he'd suddenly responded and started taunting her, trying to get a reaction from her.

"I could feel it then. Growing inside me," she said, looking at the man in front of her to try and keep herself from drowning in another flashback.

"I could feel the darkness. The violence. The rage. Everything I've fought against my entire life."

She was trembling and had to take a deep breath.

"I was the one holding the gun but he still had power over me. It was like he could see right through me. He talked about my father and even about Elliot ... He knew exactly which buttons to push to draw out my frustration and my anger and he got to me. He .. wanted me to kill him."

"Why do you think he wanted you to kill him?" Dr. Lindstrom asked quietly.

"So he'd be in my head for the rest of my life."

She took a shaky breath and her entire body was shaking now.

"He wanted to make me lose it so I'd be ... like him. And then I lost it. He got his way."

She wanted to cry after her admission and hid her face in her hands.

"Take your time Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said calmly. "I know this is very difficult for you because you feel you can never afford to make a mistake. But facing what has happened is the first step towards your recovery."

"I know," she whispered, wiping the beginnings of tears from her eyes.

"So tell me, what did you do?"

"I grabbed the metal bar that I had wrenched off the bed earlier when I broke free, and I started beating him. Everywhere. He was handcuffed and unarmed, lying on the floor, and I wanted to beat him to death. There was blood everywhere and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to kill him."

She took a few quick breaths but remembered that she should breathe slowly, or she might start hyperventilating again.

"I still want him dead, doctor. I kill him over and over again in my dreams. And it scares me to death that I'm capable of that."

Dr. Lindstrom was quiet and deep in thought and she couldn't help wondering if maybe he had finally found someone he couldn't help. Her. She took another deep breath and waited for him to say something. She was relieved when he finally did.

"You must be feeling trapped between the truth and the lie."

It was a rather accurate summary of the situation, leaving out the enormous emotions involved.

"I do," Olivia said. "And the worst thing is, I will need to continue lying or Lewis may actually walk again. By giving into the evil inside of me, and almost killing him, I actually played right into his hand. I only have one choice now and it will make me just like him. A violent liar."

She was disgusted at the words that now summed up what she had become. She didn't feel this way all the time but sometimes it would still overwhelm her. And that dream hadn't helped either.

"Elliot says that the fact that I'm so upset about this proves that I'm not like him," she said, more to herself than to her therapist. She needed to remind her of his encouraging words and the love he had for her despite what she'd done.

"You've told Elliot about this."

She looked at Dr. Lindstrom.

"Yes. Yes, of course. He needs to know what is happening to me. He's the one who calms me down after a nightmare and he's the one I still can't ... be with. He needs to know, to understand."

Dr. Lindstrom told her that the fact she had confided in Elliot was actually a huge step towards dealing with this issue. Many people dealing with such trauma would not confide in their loved ones at all, out of shame or out of some misguided urge to protect them. She confirmed to him that it hadn't been easy to tell him but that she simply couldn't deal with it alone. And she hoped he, as a psychiatrist, could help her come to terms with the violent streak that turned out to be a part of her after all.

The doctor tried to explain to her that the violence wasn't a part of her, but that it was a reaction to what had been done to her. And that Elliot was absolutely right. It didn't make her anything like her abductor. Lewis would not show remorse like she did, while she would never beat up an innocent person.

Olivia's mind flashed back to her dream about beating Elliot.

"I'm afraid I will," she admitted. "I've had these strange dreams and I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm back at work and have to interrogate a suspect of sexual violence."

"Tell me about those dreams."

Olivia bit her lip. How could she tell him about that dream? But she would have to, if she really wanted to overcome her fear of letting herself go with Elliot. It should be letting go in a positive way, nothing else.

"I ehm ... I had a dream where I was with Elliot, and in stead of making love to him, I beat him up like I beat up Lewis. It was horrifying."

"By with Elliot, you mean in bed with Elliot."

She nodded, a little embarrassed.

"It made me feel like one of those people we put away for life," she said, her voice trembling again.

"And it scares you because you fear it may become real if you let yourself go with Elliot."

"Yes."

He didn't have a cut and dry answer for her. He could only encourage her to keep talking honestly about her fears and feelings with Elliot. It was something they could only do together. All Dr. Lindstrom could help her with, was to accept that she was only human, and that she had made a mistake. She hadn't been in the best frame of mind to make rational decisions, and she had acted on impulse.

"Just like a regular human being," Dr. Lindstrom added with a smile. "I know you want to be better than a regular human being but you will have to accept that you are not better than everyone else, and that you don't have to be."

"I don't think I'm better than everyone else," Olivia said, slightly annoyed at the suggestion. If anything, she thought she was worth less than everyone else.

"But you think you have to be."

Did she?

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."

That sounded familiar. It was what Kathy had said to her. And Elliot had agreed with her. Was she really too hard on herself? She was still thinking about it when she left Dr. Lindstrom's office. She felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders now that she'd talked about the beating with her therapist. He had promised her they would get back to all the aspects of what she'd told him in their next sessions, one by one. In retrospect, it hadn't even been as difficult to tell him as she'd imagined. She really was getting stronger and Dr. Lindstrom had confirmed that having Elliot by her side, and talking things through with him, was proving to be a very big part of her recovery. He did encourage her to keep coming to her sessions as well, because Elliot wasn't a professional. He was only human too and could only take so much. And he wasn't exactly a neutral party in her life. She appreciated his concern but she was certain there would be no way to keep Elliot away from her. Or her from him. And with a grin she decided, she was going to prove that today.

...

Santa Cruz, CA

Elliot hadn't told Eli that they were meeting his mother's friend, only that they were going to see mommy at work. It was fine with Eli, who seemed to be adjusting to his life in Santa Cruz just fine. It eased Elliot's mind just a little. He would miss his son terribly but knowing that his boy was happy, was comforting. They spotted Kathy right away in the hospital cafeteria. The man sitting with her had his back turned to them, but stood up and turned around quickly when Kathy told him that they had company.

The man had an average, slender build and he was slightly shorter than Elliot. He was wearing a suit, but in a casual manner and without a tie. He had short brown hair, parted on the side, and his brown eyes were kind. Even if Elliot hadn't known what the man had been through, he would have been able to recognize the mix of sadness and resignation in his eyes. Kathy had also stood up behind her friend and looked at Elliot apprehensively. It amused him that she still wasn't convinced he wasn't going to hurt her boyfriend.

When Eli and Elliot reached their table, the men shook hands.

"Elliot Stabler."

"Peter Lattman. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too. I'm sorry to hear about your wife," Elliot offered.

"Thank you," Peter said softly. "As awkward as this may sound, it was your wife that pulled me through the worst of it."

Elliot smiled at Kathy, who still looked nervous about the unusual encounter.

"Kathy is a very strong woman," he told Peter while still looking at his soon-to-be ex-wife. Kathy looked down at her shoes and was glad when Eli distracted all of them by tugging at her hand and speaking up.

"Mommy, who is this man?"

The adults all turned towards the young boy, and Kathy told him quickly that this was her friend Peter. Peter extended his hand and Eli took it hesitantly.

"Hi there, I'm Peter. What's your name?"

"I am Elliot Stabler Junior, but people call me Eli," Eli said firmly and Elliot's heart soared with pride.

"Well, Elliot Stabler Junior, I guess I will call you Eli then, too."

Eli nodded and looked back at his mother.

"Let's all sit down and I'll get Eli and his dad something to drink," Kathy said.

"Can I come mom? To see what they have?" Eli asked, and she nodded.

There was a brief uneasy silence between the two men as they sat down and waited for Kathy and Eli to return. They were sizing each other up, both thinking about what Kathy had told them about the other man. Elliot guessed Peter had the advantage, since he'd only just learned about the other man a day ago.

"Kathy speaks highly of you," Peter offered, "and she tells me that you are splitting up as friends. That's very rare these days."

Elliot nodded, clasping his hands in front of him on the table.

"We both made a lot of sacrifices for our family. We don't regret it but we've agreed that we both deserve to find out if life has more in store for us."

Peter nodded as well, and they both looked up, slightly relieved, when Kathy and Eli returned with coffee for Elliot and a glass of soda for Eli. Kathy looked between the two men, trying to assess their states of mind. Elliot gave her a small smile, determined not to make things difficult for her.

"You got kids?" he asked, trying to make conversation, but Peter shook his head sadly.

"Unfortunately, no," he said. "We tried for years but it wasn't meant to be in the end."

Kathy put a hand over Peter's reassuringly and Elliot tried to ignore the gesture, telling himself that this is what it was now. He had no right to mind because he was doing a lot more than holding hands with Olivia.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it. "If you stick with Kathy though, you're getting a boat load of them. Starting with our champ here," he added, wrapping an arm around his young son.

Eli was looking at the adults around him, and seemed to be catching on.

"Mom, is Peter your friend like Liv is daddy's friend?"

Kathy smiled nervously at her son and Elliot decided to help her. Eli was too smart for his age.

"That is very smart of you Eli. You're right. Peter is mom's friend like Liv is my friend."

"Oh," Eli said and he turned to Peter. "So you are going to sleep in mom's guest room?"

Peter was taken aback by the direct question and glanced at Kathy.

"I have my own house, Eli," he told the young boy.

"Where?"

Elliot smiled inwardly. Peter would have to get used to the directness of children.

"Los Angeles."

"That's very far away. You should use mom's guest room."

Elliot took a sip of coffee to hide his grin. His smile evaporated when Peter addressed him again though.

"Kathy told me what happened to your friend. I suppose she needs time to deal with all of it?"

Elliot nodded and put his cup down.

"She's getting better but ... there is still a way to go. Which explains the guest room," he added with a small smile while not looking at either Kathy or Peter.

"The man hurt Liv real bad," Eli chimed in, and once again Elliot realized that the five-year old was too smart for his age. "She show me her scars."

Kathy's eyebrows shot up and she looked at Elliot, who shrugged.

"He asked her to."

"Yeah," Eli confirmed. "The man wanted to write his name on her but she doesn't belong to the man. She belongs to herself," Eli stated as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Kathy gasped and picked up her coffee quickly to hide her shock. Peter's eyes searched Elliot's face for a clue how they should interpret Eli's words.

"Burns," Elliot said softly. "I haven't even seen them."

Peter finished his coffee and put down his cup.

"Well, relationships take time to build. Taking things slow usually is a good thing in the long run."

Elliot nodded. Olivia wasn't exactly a stranger to him but he wasn't going to elaborate on that, or on how long he had been in love with her. He glanced at Kathy who was smiling at Peter and rubbing his arm. He could see the love between the two and he decided it wasn't important to know how slowly they had been taking things. He just wanted to go back to New York. Back to Olivia. Back home.

...

...

A/N: Yes, I threw in Isabel Gillies' real second husband. He seems like such a nice guy. I only used the name and the looks, the rest is complete fiction, of course.

In the next chapter we'll see how Olivia deals with the insights she is getting from her therapy, and how Elliot helps her do that ... The rating of this story may go up in the next chapter, so if you're not following me or this story, remember to adjust your filters before checking for new updates. Just sayin' ... ;)