Peter stood in the middle of the girls dormitory, his hands twisting nervously in front of him as he looked at his feet. Sansa had brought him up here in order to talk with him in private and yet they had done very little talking so far. He wasn't sure if he should consider himself lucky that she wasn't yelling or blaming him for something or if he should be more worried than ever since she was silent.
Perhaps her silence meant that an even worse tirade was coming. Peter thought. Peter made an involuntary squeak as he tried to think of what he could have done recently to make Sansa mad at him.
"Are you okay?" Sansa asked Peter. Peter nodded his head. Sansa took a deep breath as she thought about what she was going to say.
"I'm not mad," Sansa began. Peter's hands stopped moving and he raised his head. Sansa sat on the edge of the bed, her legs swinging back and forth.
"I was mad but now...,"
"Why?" Peter interrupted.
"Why what?" Sansa said looking at him. Peter met her gaze.
"Why were you upset? What had I done?" Peter asked. There was sadness in his voice, sadness that was due to Sansa.
"Do you trust me?" Sansa asked.
"Of course I do," Peter said hesitantly. He wasn't sure where Sansa was going with the statement or even why that question had been asked. The two of them had known each other for so long that he thought such a thing would have been a dead give away.
"You keep secrets from me," Sansa said. It wasn't a question or even an accusation but instead a simple statement of fact.
Peter wasn't sure to what Sansa was referring to.
"You keep them from me and yet you share them with Nicole," Sansa continued.
Peter went back to nervously playing with his hands. He couldn't believe that they were having this discussion once again or better yet that he was being admonished for confiding in a friend.
"I don't get this," Peter said his voice barely above a whisper. Sansa let out a long breath that she hadn't realized that she had been holding.
"I don't either," Sansa said softly. The two of them were silent. Peter turned his back to Sansa and walked toward the door.
"Why can't we talk anymore?!" Sansa called out. Peter stopped and turned around.
"We used to talk about everything. Share everything with each other and now it seems like we couldn't be more further apart," Sansa said looking down at the floor.
Peter just stood in the middle of the room in a state of pure confusion. A state of shock.
What the bloody hell was going on? Why the hell is Sansa talking about? A million other questions raced through Peter's head. He wanted to yell at her. To walk over to her and shake some sense into her head. Better yet, he wanted to leave and never look back, but he just stood there. Waiting for her to continue.
"Can you maybe understand where I'm coming from?" Sansa asked.
"No," Peter said immediately. His cheeks turned a bright pink as he realized that he had let that thought slip.
Sansa gave a half-smile at Peter's bluntness. To be honest, she wasn't entirely sure where the conversation was going either. She wasn't sure exactly what it was she wanted or even if it was something that she was allowed to ask for.
"You've been hiding something. All of you have. The four of you have been hiding something from all of us for years and it's become increasingly apparent how much the other girls and I don't know." Peter remained silent looking anywhere but at Sansa.
He knew one look at Sansa's face and it would all be over. The secret that the boys all had promised to keep ever since their second year would come spilling out.
"I don't want secrets between us," Sansa said.
"But it isn't just about that. You've been mad at me and picking fights with me ever since that prank with Dearborn…"
"You gave him bat ears!" Sansa exclaimed.
"You humiliated him because you were jealous," Sansa said.
"I wasn't...jealous," Peter said twisting his hands.
"It wasn't my prank. I...I told them...that they shouldn't do that to him...I didn't want that….I tried...I told you," Peter stammered.
He had been trying to apologize to Sansa for what happened to Caradoc since the moment it happened but to no avail.
"Whatever the reason was or was not, you all went too far," Sansa said simply.
"I've apologized," Peter said under his breath. Sorry was his most frequently used word when it came to Sansa.
"Caradoc isn't the issue," Sansa stated. Peter remained silent waiting for Sansa to clue him in on exactly what the issue was, so that they could get over it already.
"I knew you before all of this. Before Hogwarts….I just….I thought that maybe that would mean something. Be important somehow," Sansa said sadly looking away from Peter.
"Of course it does! You know me better than anyone. You know everything about me," Peter said moving closer to Sansa.
"No. Not everything." Peter took a deep breath.
He didn't know what to do nor did he completely understand why this was even an issue. Yes. he kept secrets but no secret of his should have affected his relationship with Sansa. He wanted to say as much but he couldn't find his voice to do so.
"Sansa….I don't know what you want me to do," Peter said sitting on the bed next to her. They were silent for several seconds.
Honestly Sansa didn't know either. She just constantly felt all of this tension bubbling up inside of her. She didn't know where it came from or why it was there. This year had been nothing but drama since they moment they arrived at Hogwarts.
There was always something going on with one of their friends. Something that seemed to escalate beyond the parties involved and ruin it for everyone.
Sansa sighed. There was the problem. Everyone else was the problem.
"I'm being unfair aren't I?"
"You think," Peter said sarcastically under his breath. Sansa gave him a look.
"Sorry," Peter said looking away from her.
"No you're right. It's just...It's just frustrating. I feel like everything is changing. It seems like all of us are just drifting farther and farther apart from each other. Every second there's an issue between someone," Sansa explained.
"It's because of the accident," Peter said.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we almost lost Adi, Marlene, Nicole. When people have to face the loss of someone they care about or even the idea of losing them….they change. Some band together, others break apart," Peter said staring off into the distance.
"We'll all get through it. It's a just a rough patch for us Gryffindors," Peter said.
Sansa took Peter's hand in her own.
"I don't want us to break apart. No matter what happens between all the others, we stick together," Sansa said.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that we won't let the drama of all the others affect our relationship. Haven't you noticed that all of our fights are because of what the other boys have done, or what Adi read or what Nicole said. It never had anything to do with us," Sansa said sincerely.
The truth was that Peter didn't believe that for a second. It wasn't the fault of the others as to why him and Sansa hadn't been able to get along. Or better yet, why Sansa constantly snapped.
Peter wanted to say so but he wanted peace more than anything. Peace with Sansa meant agreeing nodding and accepting whatever truth her mind had created at the moment.
Peter smiled at Sansa and squeezed her hand.
"We'll stick together. We won't let them get between us," Peter said hoping that was enough for her.
Nicole walked down the long corridor, her mind a thousand miles away as her feet just carried her. The conversation between her and Avery had did little to make things better. In fact it did just the opposite.
He was hiding something and with the constant comments about his father, she knew that whatever it was, it was big. Bigger than she might be able to handle.
He had something to do with it. He had to.
It was the one thing that stuck on repeat in her mind. The feeling that Nicole couldn't seem to shake no matter how hard she tried.
Nicole walked outside to the old wooden bridge. She looked out across the ravine as cool air blew through the openings. It was still chilly outside but the frost was slowly beginning to let up.
She loved being in the open on the bridge. It reminded her so much of Northerly Island.
She remembered all the times when she would sit by the bridge that connected the town to the mainland. She especially liked to look at the full moon illuminated against the still waters. She always felt so safe there so in control with her mother and father nearby.
Nicole brushed her hair back from her face pushing it behind her ears. Her fingers lingered on her neck, tracing the path of the scar that would never go away.
Another accident, another life claimed.
Nicole closed her eyes as her mind filled with the memories of that night. Memories of what she had done at such a young age to survive, what she had been forced to do. But it wasn't just that.
It was the repercussions that came later. The severe punishment given to a 12 year old girl by a flawed and cruel system with her father at the center. They punished her for being exactly how they wanted and trained others like her to be. Even then, Nicole knew that it had less to do with who she was training to become and more to do with who she was born to.
She was her father's daughter and she was punished for it.
She thought back to that day. She remembered the feeling of intense cold. A feeling that she thought was never going to go away no matter how hard she tried to make it. With that feeling came the memory of the boy she killed. She was forced to see the boy's face over and over full of rage and something else more sad.
"Nicolaia?" Nicole turned to see Regulus standing behind her.
"I thought that that might be you. What are you doing here?" Regulus asked moving to her side.
"I could ask you the same question," Nicole said. Regulus held up his hand that held a shiny gold sphere.
"More practice?" Nicole asked.
"One can never have enough practice with this bugger," Regulus said as he placed the golden snitch into his robe pocket.
"Y'all seem to take this whole Quidditch thing quite seriously," Nicole said looking away from Regulus.
"Don't worry. It will all be over soon and you'll have Avery all to yourself again. It will be back to normal," Regulus said smiling. Nicole gave a half-smile to Regulus' comment.
She wasn't so sure that everything would be back to normal with her and Avery. Every time she thought about what was to come, she was full of dread.
"Is everything okay with you guys?" Regulus asked. Nicole nodded but didn't say anything. She wouldn't even look at Regulus which told him that something was wrong.
"You know, I've known Avery since I came here. He sort of took me under his wing. Him and Snape," Regulus said leaning against the bridge railing.
"If something's going on, maybe I can help with it." Nicole kept staring silently out into the ravine. Regulus was about to leave when Nicole finally spoke.
"How well do you know Avery's father?" Nicole asked.
"Um….I've met him a couple of times….I wouldn't say that I know him...at least not really well. You probably know him better than I do," Regulus said not looking at Nicole.
"Not really," Nicole said softly.
"The more that I think about it, the more I realize that I don't know a lot about the people here. Avery included."
"Where's all this coming from?" Regulus asked. Nicole ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes.
"Avery's father is supposed to tell me something….about the accident and I just...I don't know….I just want…" Nicole looked up at the sky hoping that some answer would reveal itself to her.
There was nothing. Nothing but clouds filling the winter sky along with a cool breeze. The answer remaining locked away somewhere hidden.
She looked over to Regulus who was silently standing beside her with a weird expression on his face that Nicole could not decipher.
"Are you okay?" Nicole asked. Regulus nodded.
"Yeah, I was just thinking about the accident. It's been awhile since I've heard anything about it. It seemed like since Crouch conducted his interviews all that talk about it had died down," Regulus said.
"I wish it had been like that for me. Ever since the accident happened it's all that I can think about. I never get a moment of relief from it," Nicole said sadly.
"And that's what you what most of all?"
"Is that such a bad request," Nicole said trying to be lighthearted. Regulus shook his head.
"Not at all...It's just….surprising I guess. I just wasn't expecting that. I thought that you would want….something else," Regulus said.
"Something else like what?" Nicole asked not entirely sure what Regulus was trying to get at.
"I thought you would want to know who did it." Nicole looked away in shame.
Most people would want to know a who. Or even a why. They would be looking for some sort of explanation or reason that would help them get past the trauma. It made sense. It was logical and reasonable and the exact opposite of what she wanted.
She didn't want to know, not anymore. The more she thought about the accident the more it became evident that knowing wasn't going to solve any problems.
Something has clicked in your mind and it's all coming back to you. Avery's comment was on a constant loop through her head, the validity of the statement adding to the headache of her life.
"I didn't mean to upset you," Regulus said comfortingly. Nicole waved it off.
"How much has Avery told you….about the accident?" Nicole asked. Regulus cleared his throat and pulled his cloak closer around him.
"Not much. He doesn't know much more than anyone else does. Everyone's pretty much at a loss trying to figure out why and he did um….he did tell me that you have nightmares," Regulus stated. There was a brief moment of silence.
"Aren't you going to ask?" Nicole said.
"Ask what?"
"What my nightmares are about. That's the first thing everyone asks. It's like a guessing game. People trying to figure out exactly what it is that's got me so terrified," Nicole said flatly. Regulus leaned against the beams.
"Dreams are personal. Nightmares even more so. I won't ask about them. Even if you told me, it wouldn't mean anything to me." Nicole raised her eyebrows at the statement.
"I didn't mean I wouldn't care. Dreams are images of people and places that mean something to the dreamer. I wouldn't know anything about the people or the places. Everything is unique to the person who dreams it," Regulus explained.
"That isn't necessarily true. What if I had a dream about Sirius? You know him," Nicole countered.
"I'd imagine the Sirius in your dreams is different than the one out here and even then those two Siriuses would be different than the one I know," Regulus said looking down at his hands.
"Do you think that we can ever truly know someone?" Nicole asked staring at the sky.
"We never truly know ourselves. We think we do. We think that we have a set of principles, a set of values, these morals, these lines. Things that we couldn't possibly dream of crossing and then we do. We cross them and we change in a matter of hours into someone else with new values, new lines waiting to be crossed. We don't know who we are," Regulus explained.
Nicole sighed deeply. As much as she hated it, it was the absolute truth for her. The accident had scarred more than just her physical body. She couldn't' understand how she had wound in this situation of confusion and guilt.
Had this been two years ago there would have been no hesitation, no second guessing. She would have faced her nightmare and told the Ministry right away. She would have actively worked with them to catch the person, no questions asked. Nicole didn't understand how she could have more courage and wisdom at 12 then she did at 14. How she once could know herself and stand by that definition and now watch it slip away.
She glanced at Regulus. He was staring at his hands that were folded on the railing. His face so much like Sirius' with his black hair and grey eyes. There was so much wisdom there. Wisdom and pain.
"What line did you cross?" Nicole asked not taking her eyes off of Regulus. Regulus smirked.
"Ladies first," Regulus said lightheartedly. Nicole hesitated. She wasn't sure if she should share what was going on with her, but there was something about Regulus, something about that moment and the conversation between them that made her feel compelled to.
"I know who did it," Nicole blurted. Regulus didn't turn but instead kept staring at his hands that were clasped together.
"Well...I don't know. But I could, if I wanted. That's what my dreams are about. The nightmares. In the accident, standing by the window I guess I saw more than I thought I did…..In my dream, he standing beside me as close to me as you are now. I know that I can see his face, figure out who he is," Nicole said looking at Regulus.
"Do you?" Regulus asked. Nicole shook her head.
"I shut my eyes and try to force myself awake. I could identify him, and turn him over to the Ministry. I could. I should. But I don't. I choose not to. How can I choose not to? He killed someone, he almost killed Adi and me…"
"But that part about you and Adi was an accident. Even the ministry says so," Regulus interrupted. Nicole sighed.
"That doesn't make it easier. It just….just adds to the complication. Adds to the reason why I can't open my eyes. Why I don't want to. The thought that it was maybe all an accident gone horribly without any malicious intent behind...I just feel bad about it all," Nicole explained.
"You shouldn't feel guilty because of what someone else did," Regulus said. Nicole smiled.
"You sound like Avery."
"Yeah well sometimes he's not a complete git," Regulus said smiling. Nicole rolled her eyes.
"Come on. It's getting late. We should head back to the castle," Nicole said.
The two of them began walking back toward the castle together.
"You never told me what yours was," Nicole said. Regulus stopped. Nicole turned toward him.
"I've hurt people. People who I was supposed to care about. People who mean something to me. I've lied to people in order to protect others and in a way to protect myself. and it's all for…" Regulus caught himself before finishing his sentence. He gave a weak smile.
"Who knows why we do the things we do," Regulus said continuing toward the castle.
"Yeah, who knows," Nicole said following Regulus down the path.
