Chapter 54: Remembrance


"Did you see Severus?" Lily asked, smiling as the cat took a flying leap and landed on the bed.

He's down in the dungeon teaching Potions.

"Teaching? Why…"

Slughorn's feeling ill, or so he says. If you ask me, I think he just wanted to get a head start on his Halloween plans. He's having a party tonight.

"Another one?" Lily rolled her eyes. "Figures. It's just a shame Severus has to pick up the slack. He's got too much on his shoulders as it is."

Honestly, I don't think he minds too much. I watched him for a few minutes, and… well, it's hard to explain. He was glowering at the students, barking out instructions… no different than the way he used to teach, really, but I got the feeling he was glad to have something useful to do. Always seems bored out of his mind when he's just sitting around in the Headmaster's office.

Lily nodded. "Well, at least he has something to keep him occupied. He needs that today."

Halloween? The cat paused, then gave her an apologetic look. Right. I'm sorry.

"Don't be. It's fine." That wasn't entirely true, of course, but she wasn't in the mood to discuss it. "When is his next class?" she asked instead. "Would it be safe for me to go out now, or should I wait?"

Go ahead. He's in a double with the fifth years at the moment, and I heard him telling one of the Carrows that he'd be in the Great Hall for lunch. He shouldn't be back anytime soon.

"Okay. You'll keep an eye out, won't you?"

Of course. Where are you planning on going?

"I thought I'd check out the passage in here."

The cat bobbed her head. Well, just be careful.

Lily had been out several times over the past few weeks, visiting the kitchens again and even taking a trip to the library. But this was the first time she'd tried the bedroom passage, her heart beating swiftly in anticipation as she pressed the button.

The openings in the bathroom, hallway, and study each had one main passage, while the one next to the front door had two. This one had several, however, forming a perfect cross with four precise directions. There were even crude etchings on the wall, indicating where each of them would lead her.

North to Gryffindor.
South to Slytherin.
East to Ravenclaw.
West to Hufflepuff.

North seemed like an obvious choice, so she took the southern path instead, struck by the sensation of descending through the castle as the air grew cooler and more humid. Gradually, she began to see smaller passages branching off on either side, following one until she emerged into a storage room that looked like it hadn't been used in centuries. Another led her to the Potions classroom – she jerked her hand away from the button as she heard Severus's deep, sonorous voice on the other side of the wall.

"Did I not say that an Invigoration Draught requires three measures of Doxy eggs? Why then, Mr. Meadows, did you find it necessary to add five?"

"Sir, I didn't…"

Cringing, as if he might sense her close proximity, she backed away, choosing a different passage. This one took her even deeper into the dungeon, until finally, she came to the end. Pressing the tiny silver button, she sucked in a sharp breath as the wall slid away to reveal a room she instantly recognized. Severus's private lab? Did that mean Dumbledore had had access?

Well, maybe not. She remembered Severus telling her that the lab was protected by the strongest wards imaginable, that she was the only other person allowed to enter. Could she still do so?

Yes, she realized as she stepped inside, forgetting about the wards as she ran her fingers over empty vials, inspecting the meticulous rows of ingredients that lined the walls. There was a thin layer of dust over the equipment, making it clear that Severus hadn't used it in quite some time. That realization left her feeling melancholy, though deeper than that was a sense of relief. She had the means to brew now, wouldn't have to worry about smuggling potions from the Hospital Wing should the need arise.

Even now, she itched to light one of the burners, to feel steam dampening her hair as she mixed and stirred. She hadn't realized how deeply she'd missed Potions, so much that she wouldn't have cared whether she was brewing Polyjuice or just a basic cure for boils. But she ignored the temptation, reminding herself that the lab should only be used as a last resort. Sooner or later, Severus would come back down here, would notice if the room had been tampered with. And since she was the only other person who had access…

With a heavy sigh, she ducked back into the passageway, not realizing she was headed toward Gryffindor Tower until she came face to face with another silver button. She hesitated, weighing the need for caution against the intense, overwhelming desire to visit a place that had once felt like home. Should she attempt it? This part of the castle wasn't nearly as secluded as the dungeon, and yet… well, she couldn't hear any noise from the other side.

Holding her breath, she pushed the button, Disillusioning herself before stepping out into a tiny alcove. The first thing she saw was plush, red fabric, the inverted silhouette of a lion… she pushed the tapestry aside, gasping as she spotted the Fat Lady's portrait.

Of course, it had been a while since she'd seen it, but she hadn't expected it to affect her so deeply. Was it because she'd spent the past several weeks lowering her shields? Or was it that on this day of all days, her memories were so much closer to the surface than they usually were?

Whatever the reason, her imagination took over, catapulting her into the past. She saw images of her younger self laughing with friends, her arms filled with books as she'd casually uttered the password. A vision of James coming up the stairs… hazy at first, then much clearer as he drew closer. His expression changed, less confident but far more gentle, eyes transforming into a perfect replica of her own.

Harry…

Forgetting herself, she reached out for him, desperate to make contact. But then the image faded, replaced by a scene she remembered all too well.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

And then there were footsteps, followed by the sound of an unfamiliar voice.

"Forgot my Transfiguration homework. Be down in a minute."

Abruptly, the memory dissolved, jolting her back to the present as she realized someone was coming up the stairs. Dropping the edge of the tapestry, she darted back into the passage, not stopping until she was safely back in the Headmaster's quarters. And with that, her restlessness was gone. All she wanted was a hot bath, a chance to clear her head and figure out how to deal with wounds that had never fully healed.

Turning on the faucets, she slipped out of her clothes, stepping into the water as fragrant steam filled the bathroom. She closed her eyes with a soft sigh, leaning her head against the edge of the tub.

Overall, she and Severus were making good progress when it came to lowering her shields. They'd made it all the way through Harry's fourth year, and while she couldn't help her surges of anger, they'd been able to talk things through in the aftermath, resolving one issue before moving on to the next. Of course, some incidents were easier to deal with than others – she'd chosen to sleep on the couch one night due to the "Polyjuice Incident", furious at Severus for accusing Harry of thievery and threatening to slip Veritaserum into his pumpkin juice.

His attempts to explain himself had gotten him nowhere – only when she'd woken up to find his memories waiting for her in the Pensieve had she understood why he'd acted that way. She hadn't known that Harry and his friends had stolen the same ingredients in the past, nor had she expected the genuine regret Severus had felt when he'd learned of her son's innocence.

Beyond that, she was starting to sense a change in him, the result of seeing so many of these incidents through her eyes rather than his own. His voice was starting to lose that hard edge whenever he spoke of Harry, snide remarks giving way to grudging acceptance. He'd even started using Harry's first name more often instead of referring to him as "Potter" or "the boy."

That was wonderful, of course, but there were so many other issues they'd never talked about. Their school years, that terrible falling out… why she'd chosen to cut him off, and of course, her reasons for ending up with James. Severus seemed content to avoid the subject, making it clear that he didn't blame her for anything. But now more than ever, there were things she needed to say, memories that would always haunt her as long as she kept them to herself.

And what about him? Didn't he deserve to know the truth? All he really had were his own assumptions, and considering how little he valued himself…

Yes, definitely a conversation they needed to have. Maybe even tonight, though there was no telling what mood he'd be in when he returned. Halloween had never been easy for him – in the past, he'd spent the day in brooding silence, eager to retire to the privacy of the dungeon so he could drown his sorrows in a bottle of firewhiskey.

This year was different, of course, but that didn't mean he wasn't affected by the anniversary. Seeing her lifeless body in Godric's Hollow, believing she was dead for so many years? Those scars would always be a part of him, which she'd realized that morning as he'd awoken her with an urgent whisper. The way he'd made love to her… intense, almost desperate, holding her so tight she could barely breathe. Only when she'd protested had he relaxed somewhat, whispering an apology against her ear as his frantic thrusts had given way to a more sedate rhythm. But she'd still felt it, a naked vulnerability she'd never sensed in him before, a single tear escaping from the corner of his eye as he'd released himself inside her.

"I need to get to work," he'd muttered as soon as he was finished, pulling out of her arms as he'd reached for his clothes. A quick shower and he'd returned to the bedroom fully dressed, his expression stoic.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," he'd said casually, leaning over to kiss her goodbye. "I'll see you tonight."

Returning to the present, Lily climbed out of the tub, drying herself off before glancing in the mirror. No, she couldn't predict what mood he'd be in, but either way, she intended on making the evening as pleasant as possible for him.

Reaching for a pair of hand towels, she transfigured them into an underwear set crafted out of sheer, delicate lace. She pulled them on, admiring her handiwork before grabbing for a third towel, which was transformed into a pale pink dress. Nothing too fancy, though it flattered her figure, the heart-shaped neckline dipping low to expose the swells of her breasts.

Satisfied, she brushed her hair until it gleamed, leaving it loose around her shoulders. A touch of fragrance, simple glamours to bring out the sparkle in her eyes and the color in her cheeks, and then she was done, scrutinizing her reflection one last time before heading into the study to wait.


"You look lovely," Severus said, gazing at Lily appreciatively.

"Thank you."

She'd chosen to wear Muggle clothing, an exquisite dress that highlighted her curves and her long, shapely legs. But it was the low neckline he liked most, his eyes lingering on the delicious view as she leaned forward to grab a slice of bread. Indeed, just the sight of her was arousing enough, but the realization that she must've dressed this way to please him? It was all he could do not to push the platters aside and take her right there on the table.

Don't be ridiculous, he told himself, clearing his throat as he reached for the bottle of wine. "More?"

"Please."

The meal had come at a price, forcing him to endure one of Dumbledore's obnoxious interrogations. But he'd wanted to bring her a proper dinner for once, not just sandwiches or whatever leftovers the house elves could scrape together. He'd ordered the food early, remembering her favorites as he'd requested herb baked chicken and fresh vegetables, scalloped potatoes smothered with cheese, a loaf of fresh baked bread, and treacle tart for dessert. He'd finished that off with a couple bottles of elf-made wine, barely managing to carry it all as he'd headed for his quarters.

"So much food, Severus, yet you never seem to gain an ounce."

Rolling his eyes, he pushed the memory away, filling Lily's glass to the brim. "What did you do today?"

"Took a bath, did a bit of reading."

"And what did you read?"

She shrugged. "A book on Transfiguration, another on Charms. Just a few things I'm still trying to brush up on. I also…" She trailed off, her eyes darting to the book that lay open on the couch.

"Is that the one I brought you?"

"Yes," she said, her face taking on a melancholy expression.

"It's only been a few weeks," he said quietly. "These things take time."

"I know." She set down her fork, letting out a heavy sigh. "It just seems like it should've happened by now. I mean the first time, I wasn't even…"

"Wasn't what?" he prompted.

"Nevermind."

He shook his head, giving her an exasperated look. "Lily, I'm quite aware that you've been pregnant before. There's no need to shy away from it like it's some forbidden topic. What were you about to say?"

"That I wasn't even trying. It was an accident. Well, that isn't the nicest way to put it, but…"

"Interesting. I'd always assumed…"

"You thought it was planned? Oh, no." She laughed, lifting her glass to her lips. "Don't get me wrong – I wanted Harry. More than anything in the world once I got used to the idea. But I'd never intended on starting a family that soon."

A family. With James Potter. Severus felt a stab of jealousy, though he did his best to ignore it. He'd known the subject would come up sooner or later, especially now that they were trying to have their own child. It was only natural for Lily to relate back to her previous experience, to look for answers there. But the thought of James Bloody Potter…

Abruptly, he silenced the insidious voice, determined to leave it in the past where it belonged.

"Can I have some more?"

"Yes, of course," he said, pouring her a refill before topping off his own glass. "Anyway, I don't think it has anything to do with trying or not trying. Just a matter of timing."

"But we've been doing it every day. That's way more than me and James…" She sputtered, giving him a horrified look. "What I mean is, he wasn't… he didn't… shit."

Suddenly, Severus noticed that her cheeks were flushed, her eyes a little too bright. She was halfway through her third glass by then, sloshing a little on the table as she set it down.

"Lily," he said, his lips twitching. "I believe you're drunk."

"I am not. Takes me at least four glasses before I even start…"

"How long has it been since you've had a drink?"

She lifted one hand, counting on her fingers before she gave up, letting out an exaggerated sigh. "New Year's, 1981."

Unable to help himself, he snorted. "Nearly two decades? Yes, definitely intoxicated. Not that I have any complaints, mind you. As I recall, you were always rather amusing in such a state."

"Like that time we stole my dad's beer?"

He nodded, chuckling at the memory.

"How old were we? I can't remember."

"14. It was the summer before fourth year, the time we stayed out all night. I still don't know how you managed that without getting caught."

She giggled. "Want to know the truth?"

"Desperately."

"I Confunded Petunia. Made her tell our parents I was staying over at a girlfriend's house."

"And that worked?"

"Of course it did. Like they would've ever expected her to lie for me."

"Good point. What about the beer?"

Another giggle. "Terrible, I know, but I made Petunia tell them she'd drank it herself."

Severus laughed outright at that, a rare occurrence that felt surprisingly good. "Well, no more than she deserved. Insufferable little hag."

"Knowing what I know now, I'd have to agree," she said, her expression growing serious. "I miss them."

"Who?" He frowned, thrown by the abrupt shift in topic. "Your parents?"

She nodded.

"I don't blame you. They were good people."

"Do you know what happened to them?"

"No. I found their obituaries once, but cause of death wasn't mentioned. I intended on investigating further, just never found the opportunity to do so."

She hesitated, taking a long drink before holding her glass out for another refill. She'd already had too much, of course, but this hardly seemed the time to mention it. Silently, he topped her off, waiting patiently for her to speak.

"Mum died in a car accident. Spring of seventh year." She paused, letting out a shuddering breath. "They said she was killed instantly, so at least she didn't suffer, but I… I was devastated. When I went home for the funeral, Dad was a mess. Even worse off than I was. I wanted to stay with him, but he insisted that I go back to school. If I'd known…"

"Known what?" he prompted, his voice gentle.

"He just sort of…" wasted away. I was back at Hogwarts for three months, and by the time I got home, I hardly even recognized him. He'd lost so much weight, had stopped eating, barely slept. Just kept taking these pills the doctor had prescribed him. And then one night… well, he must've taken too many. I went to check on him the next morning, and…"

"It's all right," he interrupted as the tears in her eyes spilled over. "You don't have to tell me the rest."

She nodded, letting out a sniffle. "That's why, you know."

"Why what?"

"Why I got married so fast. I was scared and sad and I didn't want to be alone. There wasn't much money left after paying for two funerals, and… well, I couldn't bear the thought of staying in that house. So when James offered…

"I see," he said quietly.

"On top of everything else, there was a war going on. Yes, I wanted to fight, but I wanted to feel safe at the same time. So much for Gryffindor courage, eh?"

"On the contrary," he said, coming to kneel beside her chair. "I think you're very brave. You saw a chance and you took it, you…" He trailed off, not knowing what to say. This was another shift in his perception, since he'd always assumed that Lily had married Potter because she'd been madly in love with him. To think she might've done it for practical reasons…

Well, in many ways, that made more sense.

Of course, he'd chosen to believe the fairytale version. That had been easy to do when he'd been blinded by jealousy, still bewildered by the loss of her. But deep down… yes, he had to admit that something had always felt off about that version. Maybe because he knew Lily, had known her better than anyone. Impulsive, yes, but fiercely independent, full of hopes and dreams that certainly hadn't included getting married straight out of school. And Potter, of all people? It was difficult to see how she could've gone from abject hatred to wedded bliss in just a few short years.

Of course, he'd never asked her about it directly, afraid of what her answer might be. He hadn't wanted to hear her say that Potter had been the love of her life, proving that he could never, ever measure up. But in light of what she'd just said…

Well, perhaps it was time to face his demons.

"Lily," he said, careful to keep his expression blank. "Tell me the rest."

"About James?" Her eyes went wide.

"Yes. Tell me everything."