Chapter 56: The Freshman
When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice
I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
Sean
I grabbed my books from my locker and stuffed them under my arm only to have them knocked to the ground by Jay. He laughed and shook his head as I sent him a glare before bending down to pick them up.
"Better watch out, Cameron. Marco likes it when you bend over."
I stood up quickly and turned around to see Marco standing in the hallway talking to his boyfriend. Marco's lip curled up at Jay's comment, and I blushed furiously. Suddenly, Jay was pinned up against the locker, a shocked expression on his face.
"Jay, if you say one more thing to offend Marco, I'm going to-..."
"What, Nash? Whaddya gonna do?" Jay challenged.
Ellie released her grip on his shirt and clenched her fists. Her eyes flashed as she just shook her head at him. "Keep doing it, and you'll see..." she threatened.
"Whatever. See ya, Cameron."
I didn't say anything as Ellie stood by my side, almost expectantly. She crossed her arms and leaned against the locker next to me. "You were at my house."
"Yep."
"Why?"
"I got lost," I snapped.
"What's with you?"
"Nothing, okay? Just- I have to get to class."
She laughed and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Never heard that one before... Well, was there a reason you were stalking me at night?"
"Nope. Nothing important," I lied.
"Right..."
I narrowed my eyes and looked at her. "What's with you and Jay?"
She shrugged. "I don't like the way he talks about Marco."
"I thought you guys were actually going to be friends..."
"It's more of a love/hate relationship."
I laughed bitterly. "You have a lot of those don't you?"
She stopped walking and stared at me. "What are you talking about?"
I turned around and faced her, a smart-ass expression on my face. "You just seem to pick and choose when you want to be friends with people. But, uh, it doesn't really work that way."
"What? Because I didn't have time to hang out with you for one week? Now I'm like a horrible friend? Whatever..." She pushed past me, but I grabbed her wrist.
"Wait!" I stopped her. She looked up at me, and I stared her in the eyes. I was ready to spill to her why I'd been at her house, about the whole stealing plan, about how I was feeling left out of her life, but something stopped me. Something shut me up. Maybe it was the guarded look in her eyes; maybe it was the way she was fidgeting, like she had somewhere better to be. Maybe I was just too embarrassed to tell her. Whatever the reason, I didn't say anything.
"Never mind. I have to go."
And I left her standing there in the hallway alone.
Ellie
I let out a frustrated groan as I slammed the palm of my hand into the machine button. All I wanted was a bottle of diet coke- something to wake me up- and so far I'd wasted two dollars. I could just get one from the cafeteria, but that would require me going into the cafeteria. That wasn't an option. Especially since Marco was in there waiting to harass me.
"There you are!"
I turned around quickly and looked both ways. I could make a quick dash for it, pretend I didn't hear him. But that would be just a little too obvious. Marco reached me in three strides and put a hand on my shoulder.
"I've been looking all over for you."
"Really?" My voice came out strained.
His arm snaked around my neck and pulled me against his side. "Come eat lunch with me. I brought you something."
"I'm not that hungry," I insisted.
"Ellie..." Marco warned.
I rolled my eyes and walked with him. "Fine, I'll sit with you."
He gave me a quick kiss on the temple and led me into the cafeteria. Immediately, I felt out of place- if that even makes sense. All of a sudden it seemed like everybody was staring at me. I can only imagine what everyone was thinking: What's Ellie Nash doing here? Why is she eating? Why is-
"Ellie?" Marco shook my hand and broke my train of thought.
"Huh?"
"You were staring. Come on." He brought me over to his table which just happened to consist of some of my favorite people. Paige, Spinner, Hazel, Jimmy, Ashley, and Craig all stared back at me.
I took a seat, hesitantly, and slouched down in my seat. What, did I have to pretend that I wanted to be here? I can think of a million other places I'd rather be right now rather than sitting at this little table where everyone is acting awkward.
"So," Marco began, a little too cheerfully. "How's everybody's day going?"
A collective "Okay" sounded. Spinner shoved the rest of his chicken nuggets in his mouth while Paige looked at him with loving disgust. Hazel and Jimmy made goo-goo eyes at each other, and Ashley stared at me with her own look. I started to blush a little under the scrutiny of her eye.
"What?" I asked uncomfortably.
She was quick to respond. "Nothing! Nothing at all!"
I rolled my eyes and tapped my right foot in hopes of amusing myself in some way. I observed the rest of the students in the cafeteria. There was Emma and Manny sitting with Darcy, JT, and Toby. They were all laughing as JT told a joke. Toby's milk sprayed out of his nose as he doubled over in his seat, and Darcy let out a huge guffaw. I small smile came to my lips at how young and innocent and carefree they all looked. And their only a fucking year younger than me. How the hell did I get so old? And when did life fly past telling corny jokes and running around barefoot with scraped knees?
A few tables over sat Jay, Alex, Amy, Sean, Nikki, and Towerz. Jay and Alex could barely keep their hands off of each other and Amy was in the middle of telling a story- highly entertaining, I'm so sure. Towerz nodded every now and then but he was more focused on Nikki, and Nikki kept giving him a look out of the corners of her eyes. But her fingers were entwined with Sean's, and I barely blinked. I guess sometimes you lose sight of what used to be most important to you. After awhile, things just stop mattering.
"Ellie."
I turned my head slowly towards Marco. "What?" I asked testily.
"I was talking to you, and you weren't paying attention... Are you okay?"
"Fine. I'm fine. What were you saying?" Guilt came over me as I saw Marco's hurt expression.
"It was nothing. Do you want part of my sandwich?"
As if he said the magic word, everyone's head snapped up and their eyes bore into me. What is this? Some sort of intervention? Am I the lunchtime entertainment or something? I scrutinized the half of a sandwich Marco held out towards me. Turkey, two kinds of cheese, sprouts, mustard, lettuce. He waved the sandwich a little and a white glob of mayonnaise fell onto the table with a deafening SPLAT! I stared in horror at that glob of mayonnaise, and it stared right back at me. I felt the bile rise in my throat and swallowed hard.
"Marco, you know I hate mayonnaise." And that was the truth.
"Oh. Well. You could get something from the line. Peanut butter and jelly? Grilled cheese? Some chicken nuggets?"
"They're really good," Spinner added.
I wrinkled my nose. "I can tell," I responded dryly as he crammed another one in his mouth. Whoever taught Spinner how to eat should be shot. And fast.
Paige sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "I'm getting so bored with the direction this conversation is going," she commented.
For once, I agreed with her.
Ashley shot her a nasty look and crossed her arms. "Oh, because it isn't about you for once? Ellie's a part of our lives, too. Not just you."
The table reached a new level of complete and utter silence. Everyone stared in amazement that it had been Ashley to go off on Paige. And I was included. Ashley chewed on her lip and looked at the table before glancing back up and locking eyes with me. I lifted the corner of my mouth a little and thanked her with my eyes. For once, Ashley is choosing me. She's sticking up for me.
Paige scooted out of her seat and grabbed her purse. "Whatever," she snapped. "I'll leave you guys alone so you can fawn over the little freak show."
How can one girl be so nasty? Seriously. One minute she's practically crying because I make a few cuts on my arms and the next she's bitching about me. I fixed her with an icy glare and waited for the rest of the table to get up and follow suit.
She threw her unfinished sandwich at me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Eat a sandwich. You make me sick."
Her heels made a clicking noise as she stomped away. I looked around the table expectantly. Hazel made a sad attempt to scoot away from the table and follow Paige but gave up in the end. "Screw it," she muttered and went back to reading her fashion magazine.
So Hazel does have a backbone. Something tells me she's going to get a fucking earful from the Queen Bee later on. I pushed Paige's forgotten sandwich away and wrinkled my nose. "Tuna. Disgusting."
Nobody said anything. They just stared at me openly. Even Spinner looked pensive for once. The rest just looked sad.
"What?" I snapped, suddenly aware of just how many eyes were on me.
Nobody said anything.
"What?" I pressed.
Jimmy was the first to break the silence. "So... how about that hockey game?"
Lame. Way lame.
"I'm going to go get a yogurt," I announced.
Every head whipped towards me. It was like I had announced I was dying or pregnant or something. Everyone stared at me with the same horrific expression on their face. As if they couldn't believe they I was actually going to get something to eat.
Suddenly Marco's face broke into a relieved grin and he nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, a yogurt! Yeah! What flavor? Blueberry? Strawberry? Maybe peach?"
I gave him a weird look before walking towards the lunch line. Nikki and Towerz were standing next to the fridges, and I walked up behind them.
"Do you want a milkshake?"
"Mmm. What flavor?"
"I dunno. Chocolate?"
Nikki laughed, and he bent over to whisper something in her ear. I raised an eyebrow and cleared my throat when Nikki started to hook her finger through his belt loop. They jumped apart and turned around to face me.
"What's going on?" I asked curiously.
Nikki's face reddened; Towerz looked at his shoes. "Nothing," she stammered slightly.
I sighed and reached forward to pull open the fridge and grab a yogurt. Nikki leaned casually against the table, and Towerz left us alone.
"So..." she began.
I looked up at her as I settled for a low-fat peach yogurt. "Yeah?"
She opened her mouth as if she were going to say something but decided against it. "Nothing. Well, Sean's probably missing me so..."
I watched as she rushed back to the table and planted a huge kiss on Sean's cheek. I looked down at my yogurt and felt the familiar tug in my chest.
"That all, sweetheart?" Sheila gave me a harried look.
I glanced down at the yogurt and nodded. "Yeah."
"Mom? You okay?" I glanced warily at my mom as she poured herself another glass. She waved her hand around in an attempt to brush me off.
I put the plate of spaghetti in front of her and handed her a fork. "You should eat something, Mom."
"Just stop it," she groaned, putting her hand to her forehead, her shoulders hunched forward. I knelt down next to the coffee table and just looked at her. She looked old. Hopeless. She'd given up. Her left leg shook nervously and she blinked her eyes furiously as she stared at the cordless phone sitting on the table. She was waiting for him to call. She was going to be waiting forever.
I ran a finger along a tiny hole in my fishnets. It was right in the middle of my thigh. I had another one on my chin on the other leg. I was wearing the same camouflage skirt I had been wearing when Paige found me cutting in the bathroom. As if that even matters. As if any of this really matters. The only thing that matters is your pride. And I don't even have that. I gave it up to be Marco and Ashley's best friend, Sean's girlfriend, Paige's charity case, and my mom's crutch. I gave it up to be everything to everybody and ended up nothing to myself.
But maybe I'm just feeling a little too sorry for myself.
My mom started crying as the phone remained silent and suddenly the room was stifling. I've never been good with crying. It's scary. It makes you vulnerable, and I've always been taught that you never show anybody just how vulnerable you really are. And here my mom is going against her own motto.
"I- I have to get out of here,"I announced, even though I knew she wouldn't even give a shit.
I grabbed my zip-up and pulled it on as I walked up the driveway. As perverse as it sounds, sometimes I wish someone would just drive up and abduct me. That way I wouldn't have to deal with any of this ever again, and it wouldn't be on my conscious that I had abandoned everyone. I could just be a completely different person that isn't so disappointing. I doubt anyone would even miss me.
It took me awhile to get into town, and when I got there I had no idea what I had come for. I sighed and turned around in the middle of the sidewalk, taking in the different shops and restaurants around me, trying to find somewhere to go.
"Ellie?"
I froze in mid-pivot and slowly turned my head towards the direction of the voice. My dad stared back at me, briefcase in hand and lines across his forehead. "Hi," I greeted flatly.
His face broke into a small grin and he reached forward to give me a hug. I took a step back and crossed my arms, the entire time the voice in my head telling me I was being a complete bitch, but who listens to that voice anyway?
My dad coughed and stood awkwardly in front of me. "So... What are you doing here?"
"Free country," I snapped back.
He shook his head and gave me a worried look. "You okay?"
"Fine."
"Mom?"
"What do you care?" I could feel my insides boiling. I was going to lose it any second. My mouth screwed up and started to shake, and I forced myself to calm down before I broke apart.
"My- my apartment's on the next street. You- you should come up."
I shrugged and followed him. It didn't take long to reach the small yet stylish apartment complex. I trudged up the steps, dreading what I was going to see. Behind that door would be my dad's new life. One where there isn't any room for me or Mom. He shoved his key into the door and unlocked it, stealing a glance at me. "Have you been sleeping? Are you eating enough?"
I shook my head in anger and started to back away from him, set on just leaving his sorry ass. He reached out and grabbed my arm, dragging me back towards him.
"Sorry! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. Please, just come inside."
I hesitated at the top of the stairs, pondering whether or not to trust him.
"I won't say anything. I promise."
I turned around slowly and walked back to him. He smiled and put a hand on the back of my neck, ushering me into the apartment. He excused himself to the bedroom, and I stood still in the small foyer. I took a minute to just look around and take it in. It all looked so... empty. There was a chair and a TV in the living room. I headed towards the kitchen, curious as to whether or not there was more than just the small table and solitary chair. I checked the faucet and made sure it had running water. It did. I went through the cabinets one by one, checking their contents. Nothing. Nothing at all. Puzzled, I threw open the refrigerator door. I was relieved to see a takeout container and a six-pack of beer.
"Not too impressive, huh?"
I spun around and crossed my arms behind my back, feeling guilty all of a sudden, like I had just been caught doing something bad. My dad must have sensed my uneasiness because he cocked his head and sighed.
"I'm not really here a lot."
"Oh?" I swallowed hard. What was he going to say next? That he was out having a good time with all his friends? That he'd already found a girlfriend? The thought of my dad doing anything without my mom tore me apart inside.
"Yeah." He pulled out the kitchen table and sat down in it, looking incredibly defeated. "I don't really like hanging around here, you know? I've been staying longer at the office, hanging out at the sports bar down the street, working out... You know. I- I'm actually going to see if there's any need for more help down in Sudan. There's been some fighting between civilians down there and peace keeping's become a priority and..."
"Are you kidding me?" I blurted out. My hands were no longer clasped behind my back but tightly clenched at my sides. My whole body shook with the force his words threw at me. He was- he was thinking about leaving again. Again.
"It would only be for a few weeks. Maybe a month or two. And it's completely safe and-..."
"Tell that to the families of the soldiers that die everyday in Sudan. Just last week, a guy named David Harris died while handing out food and water to civilians. He was a father and a husband and now his family has- And you want to go over there? What about us?"
"Ellie, listen, I-..."
"Just let me talk for once without interrupting me!" I screamed. "How do you live with yourself? You've already abandoned us and now you're trying to make mom a widow. You're pushing her to drink again, and I have to take care of it, and I just can't do-..."
My dad shot out of his chair and came towards me. "Is she drinking again?"
I wrenched my shoulders out of his grasp and stared hard at him. I could say the truth. I could tell him just how bad it is and just how much we miss him. "No. She's fine. She's back at work, she's smiling, she's great," I spat at him. There. See how it feels to be unwanted.
His shoulders dropped and he smiled sadly. "Well, that's good..."
It was a lie. He wanted her to be miserable. He wanted her to be drinking again. He wanted to save her. He wanted, needed, her to be needed. That's how my dad's always been. He loves to just come in and make everything okay again. It's his nature to be that knight in shining armor. And my mom played the damsel in distress act so well.
"We could order some food or something, Ellie..."
That was the last straw. "I'm out of here," I announced before stalking off to the door. I ignored his pleas to just hang out with him for another hour. If he can just leave as easily as he did, so can I.
Ashley
I watched as she trudged into the school, poker-faced. Her hair was pulled back neatly into a ponytail and all her signature jewelry was in place, but anyone who looked closely enough could tell she was falling apart. No amount of makeup could hide the circles under her eyes that had reached a dangerous shade of grey or the way her zip-up hung off of her body. Even her tights were baggy, and she walked without the usual swing in her arms. She just didn't look herself, no matter how hard she tried.
She practically walked right past me. I don't even think she realized I was standing there, and she was a mission to get somewhere. Her pace had quickened to a determined stomp. But I wasn't about to let her go right by me. I jogged up and greeted her, trying to keep up with the menacing pace she was setting.
"Huh?"
"I said hey," I repeated.
She blinked slowly before breaking into a smile. "Oh. Hey!"
"You okay?"
The smile dropped from her face. "Fine," she answered shortly.
I could tell she wanted me to drop the whole concerned act, but it's not that easy. I crossed my arms and sighed. "You want to hang out tonight? Go see a movie or you can come over and- My mom misses seeing you."
She smiled and looked up at me. "I'd like to, but I can't. I have other stuff."
"Oh." I wanted her to tell me what other stuff she had, but she didn't offer any more information. "Well... maybe tomorrow? Or this weekend?"
She nodded but looked preoccupied. "Yeah. Sure. Listen, I have to go."
"Okay." She ran off before I even had a chance to say I'd see her in class.
You know how everyone always says you shouldn't take tiny moments for granted? That you shouldn't just expect to see somebody again because they can be taken away from you in a split second? Well, that's how I feel it is with Ellie. One minute I think she's fine, and the next minute something is taking her away from me. From all of us. I don't know what's going on with her right now, but I intend to find out. I'm trying to handle this the right way by not getting into her business and not ratting her out, but is that right? Is it right to just stand by and watch her harm herself by doing God knows what? When is the time for me to be quiet and when is the time for me to speak up?
I took my seat in English class in between Paige and Ellie. Great. This is going to be an interesting hour... I could just feel the animosity between the two as they sat in their seats, waiting for class to begin. Ellie was writing something in her notebook, and Paige was angrily flipping through a fashion magazine, making sure to create noise. The whole thing was rather childish, and I hate always having to be in the middle of them. But to be honest, Ellie is going through a lot more stuff than Paige is at the moment, so I've been more focused on catering to her lately.
Suddenly the door flew open, and Ms. Kwan flew in, eyes wild and hands clenched in fists. She huffed a little at her desk, slamming books down, shuffling through papers, and I threw Paige a wide-eyed look. Paige shrugged and put down her magazine, suddenly interested in what had the English teacher in such a fury.
"Ms. Kwan?" Paige asked out loud.
Ms. Kwan looked up from her desk and seemed to remember where she was exactly. "Oh!" She gasped, tucking a strand of hair back into her bun. "Well... yes... we have class. Um, get out your copies of Hamlet and... uh..."
Paige raised her hand again and flipped her hair behind her shoulder. "Ms. Kwan, are you okay? Is there something going on?"
She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I guess it'll be public knowledge soon enough... Due to recent financial problems, school budgets are going to have to be cut. The school district has decided that the only fund that can take such a setback is the arts fund."
"What does that mean exactly?" I asked nervously. Somehow, I knew this was going to be bad.
And the expression on Ms. Kwan's face only added to my fear. "It means that the art program at Degrassi is going to have to be cut and-..."
"That's ridiculous!"
I whipped my head around to my left and stared in shock at the outburst that had just come from Ellie. Her breathing was ragged as she brought herself to a standing position and looked around the room.
"Ellie, I understand that you're upset but-..."
"I'm not upset. I'm outraged. I mean, they can't do that." Her forehead was wrinkled and her fists clenched and unclenched as if she were trying to calm herself down to some extent. It wasn't working.
I shot my hand up and voiced my opinion. "I agree. You can't just take away the art program from a school because-..."
"Oh, boo hoo. It's art." Spinner's annoying voice commented from the back row.
Ellie and I both show daggers at him, and she crossed her arms. "So because it's art it's not important?"
"Exactly. Nobody cares about art. So we don't have to go to the art show this year. Big, huge bummer. I say good riddance."
"Spinner, the only reason you hate the art program is because you got a huge boner during drama class. Don't worry, we all understand why you'd be a little embarrassed..."
The entire class cracked up at Ellie's latest insult towards Spinner; even Ms. Kwan had to squelch a smile at the memory of the incident in drama class. Spinner's face turned bright red, and Jimmy slammed his fist down on the table as his entire body shook.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Laugh at the little man..." Spinner glared.
That just erupted a whole new case of laughter in the classroom, and Spinner realized his awkward choice of words. Ellie rolled her eyes but didn't bother laughing again. From the look on her face, it was clear she was over cracking jokes at Spinner's expense.
"Whatever," she began again. "Doesn't anyone care about the issue at hand?"
I stood up along with her. "Yeah, just imagine if it was the athletic budget being cut. How many of you would be upset then?"
The entire room flared into chaos. Suddenly, students were shouting out complaints and challenging the decision. Paige and Hazel started to worry about their spirit squad; Jimmy scoffed that anyone would get rid of basketball.
"Notice the effect that statement had?" I mused.
Ellie laughed bitterly at my side.
"So, you're saying that the art program is more important than the athletic program?" Jimmy challenged harshly. The entire class, including Ellie, was shocked by his angry tone. Normally Jimmy was laid-back and mellow. Only something really important could fire him up.
Ellie shook her head. "That's not what we're saying. It's just funny how everyone gets riled up at the thought of not being able to watch a basketball game or wrestling match, but what about not getting to see Marco in the latest drama production or Craig in the talent show? Art is important to people, too, but nobody seems to care."
Craig shot forward in his seat. "Wait... So if they get rid of the art program then it also affects the music program?"
Ms. Kwan shook her head sadly. "I'm afraid it would. They're not exactly sure what's going to happen yet, but it looks like a lot of classes are going to be cut. And we can say goodbye to anymore plays or musicals..."
"What about the teachers? I mean, with classes being cut, doesn't that put their jobs in danger?" Ellie was obviously concerned about a few of the teachers she had.
Ms. Kwan shrugged and put her palms up, wanting to end the conversation. We all knew what that meant. It meant that what Ellie had just said was true, and Ms. Kwan was too scared to admit it. Ellie and I sat back down as Ms. Kwan urged us to let her continue with the lesson, but we were too upset to pay attention in class. I was thinking of what exactly this whole budget cut meant when I felt a sharp elbow jab itself into my side. I resisted the urge to call out in pain and, instead, sent a sharp look to Ellie as I rubbed my side. She gestured with her eyebrows towards a small piece of folded paper on my notebook. I nodded and unfolded it, curious as to what she had to say to me. I mean, just before in the hallway she didn't have much to talk about.
Ash- We have to do something. Pow-wow during lunch. - El
I grabbed my pen and responded.
Sure. Meet me in the cafeteria? I'll buy lunch.
It was a long shot. Even with this whole budget drama, I wasn't allowed to let Ellie's own problems out of my sight. I slid the note back over to her; she responded immediately.
No, the library is better. I'll see you!
I was tempted to try and convince her to just let me buy her lunch, but I knew I would onlybe going into unsettling territory. Ellie and I are getting along and actually doing something together. I can't remember the last time I actually got to hang out with her and have her give me her full attention. I guess it hasn't been since New Year's... Whenever the last time was, I'm not willing to upset her and give up this time together just because she's lost some weight.
I snuck a glance at her out of the corner of my eye. Her beg was bouncing like crazy, and she was grasping her pen so hard it looked like she could break it any second. I noticed the clenching in her jaw and just how sharp her facial features had become. Her bony wrists, her sharp elbows, her hollow cheeks...
I tore my eyes away from her and forced them to remain on the notebook in front of me. I found myself drawing jagged lines on the paper as I tried to force the sight of her out of my mind. How did any of us let this go on for so long? Why hadn't we seen what was right before us? And if we had any suspicion before, why didn't we follow through? Why did we give up so easy?
I walked into the library to find Ellie already seated, scribbling furiously in a notebook. I set my lunch bag on the table and took a seat next to her. She didn't even notice me. I leaned over and looked at what she was writing.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"It's an opinion piece for The Grapevine. It's going to go in the next edition. Front page."
"Liberty went for it?"
"Liberty's only half an editor, and she's a fan of the theatre. How could she say no?"
I laughed and pulled out my tub of cottage cheese and peaches. "Want some?" I waved the container under her nose.
She flew back from the table and stood up angrily. "Gross, Ash. I hate cottage cheese. How can you even think about eating at a time like this?"
I shrugged and popped a peach in my mouth. "Sorry, but I'm not much help on an empty stomach. You should really eat. You don't want to get your energy level down."
"I'm fine," Ellie snapped before sitting back down. She brought her knees up to rest on the edge of the table and began writing in her notebook again. She snickered a little at something she wrote, and I looked at her thoughtfully. She arched an eyebrow but didn't stop writing. "I can feel you staring at me."
I laughed and stuffed a chip in my mouth. "Now you know how it feels. I always feel you staring at me."
"It must be women's intuition or something." She paused for a second. "Thanks for... you know. Helping me."
I was surprised by the sudden sincerity Ellie was showing me. I thought that all sincerity between us had been lost awhile ago. I don't know why... I just did. "Your welcome," I accepted the gratuity.
She gave me a quick smile before furrowing her eyebrows and going back to her article. We sat in silence for awhile. She was busy writing, and I was busy pondering her situation. Or supposed situation. Or... what was going on with her exactly? Was there a situation?
You know what? No more lies. No more brushing it under the rug. There is a situation with her, and it's pretty damn serious. I'm not going to be the one to deny it any longer.
Suddenly a messenger bag was thrown onto the table, and Marco collapsed into a chair. "Here you are. I've been looking all over for you two. What are we going to do? If I don't get to be in the play next year, I'll just die. Are they seriously going to cut the program? I mean, can they really do that? Because I was thinking that maybe it's just a scare, and it's not really going to happen..."
"Marco? Stop," Ellie ordered. She set down her notebook and clasped her hands in front of her, suddenly looking very poised and businesslike. Or as poised and businesslike as she could look with the exhausted look in her eyes. "They can do it. And they're going to do it..."
"But it sucks. It's not fair!"
"Unless, we do something about it. I'm talking protest. Seriously."
"Protest?" I wrinkled my nose. "Are you sure?"
"Definitely. But leave all those details up to me. You guys? You guys just have to support me, okay?"
"Of course!" Marco and I responded together.
Marco
She wasn't even concentrating on what I was saying. I knew that. But I kept talking anyway because I was afraid that if I stopped talking about meaningless stuff that I would blurt out just how scared I am for her. It's not just about the eating anymore, either. It's about other stuff. Like just how much she's thrown herself into this whole "protest" thing. She couldn't talk about anything else today, and I haven't seen her that caught up in something in a long time. And I hate to see her get her hopes up when chances are she's going to be let down. And when Ellie's let down- she's let down hard.
I didn't even think about what I was doing until I felt my fingers close around her hand. She jumped in surprise and looked at me. I stared back down at her and lifted the corner of my mouth in what I hoped was a comforting grin. We couldn't take our eyes off each other as we walked down the street to my house- to "plan", as she put it.
I tried to send her a signal or something along those lines that would convince her to just trust me enough to tell me what was going on inside that head of hers. Her expression turned vulnerable, and I realized that she had received my message.
"Marco?" She began softly.
"Yeah?" I whispered hoarsely. We stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and I took a step closer to her.
Suddenly the softness in her eyes was replaced with a hardened look, and she gave a quick laugh that was painful to hear, almost like a choking gargle. "Nothing," she concluded.
"Oh," I was disappointed, but I knew better than to push her. Ellie hates being pushed. But she sure knows how to push people.
We entered my house, and my mom greeted us with an after-school snack. I watched as my mom made a fuss over how skinny Ellie had gotten. I realized that it had been awhile since my mom had seen her.
"You must stay for dinner. Poor thing. Are you getting enough to eat?"
I almost laughed at how funny it was to hear my mom ask that question. I clamped my mouth shut but couldn't contain a small snort. Thankfully, neither my mom or Ellie heard it. I listened in amazement as Ellie made up some story about how she'd been sick lately, probably with the flue. The lies rolled so easily off the tongue of my honest best friend. And anyone who hadn't seen the transformation she had gone through would have trusted her. Nobody could distrust that open and sweet face.
I hate myself for being a coward and letting it get this far. I shouldn't have denied it for so long. I'm sure it pains Ellie to hear herself lie this way. She's always hated lies. And here she is- the biggest liar of them all. I bet she hates herself. How can she not hate this monster she's become? This lying, sneaky, selfish, controlling monster who sucks the life out of everything she touches. This vampire. How dare she let herself change this way. How dare she let it get this far. And how dare she make me feel this way. She must hate herself.
And you know what? I think I hate her, too.
An extra long chapter! yay! I hope you guys like it because I loved writing it. I was even going to make it longer but decided for story purposes that ending here would be better. I already have a lot of the next chapter planned out and can't wait to start working on it, but it'll probably take me awhile to get on here because it'll also be pretty long and will take a lot of energy to write!
I'm not sure how funding is at Canadian schools but I needed something that would interest Ellie and upset her for story purposes. I really couldn't think of anything else and Ellie seems like the character who would be really angry with this funding decision. Plus, it's a way to really get some interaction between her and Ashley and Marco.
Next chapter: Probably take place a week later... Ellie is really going to throw herself into this art program thing. Ashley and Marco are going to see her outrageous, controlling behavior first-hand and become REALLY worried. Marco will confront Ellie. Ellie's going to still be dealing with things at home. Ellie's going to confess something to Marco. And Ellie and her dad will talk again.
I HOPE you guys liked this chapter. Please give me feedback because I'd like to know if it worked out well. Thanks for your amazing reviews thus far!
