A/N:Again, thank you all for your wonderful reviews! A special thanks to Salix caprea for nominating Loner at the Glove Awards, I'm so amazed and grateful.
This is the original chapter. There is a line in here that my validation beta at Twilighted found to be too graphic, so I had to remove it. Consider yourselves warned. Let's see if anyone can guess which line I'm talking about.
OoO
EPOV
I was walking through some kind of a hallway, looking for something, only I couldn't remember what I was trying to find. Darkness was surrounding me, but I could see a faint light ahead, and moved towards it. That was when I heard the sound of footsteps behind me, and started walking faster.
All of a sudden, I could hear voices all around me, mumbling incoherently at first, but as they grew louder, I realized I still couldn't understand what they were saying. It frightened me, and I started running, but I couldn't outrun the noise, as if it was coming from inside my head.
Panic started welling up inside me and I squeezed my eyes shut, dropping to my knees and covering my ears with my hands. When I finally opened my eyes again, I found myself huddling in the corner of a room that was all too familiar, and I failed to hold back a sob, casting a desperate look around me as I was searching for someone - anyone - who could save me.
But I was all alone, except for...
My eyes widened as I spotted a woman with bronze-colored hair at the far side of the room, facing away from me, and it only took a moment before I recognized her. In fear of getting punished if I spoke without permission, I remained where I was, praying she would notice me before he showed up.
But when she finally turned around, she made no sign of acknowledging me. My fear got replaced by anger. "Why won't you help me?" I demanded. No response.
"Because she knows better than interfering," James spoke up from the doorway, his voice causing me to jump and shrink back against the wall. He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him, and started towards me. "Now," he went on in a seemingly calm voice, although I wasn't fooled, "I heard you misbehaved again today. Don't you ever learn, boy?"
I shook my head in fear. "No, I didn't do anything, I promise." He was in my face before I even realized he had moved, raising his fist as he prepared himself to strike. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the pain.
"Edward?" My eyes snapped open at the sound of Bella's voice, and my eyes darted wildly around the room as I searched for her. Bella was here? What the fuck was she doing here? I needed to protect her, I couldn't let James hurt her.
I noticed I was no longer on the floor. Instead I was standing at the other side of the room, at the same spot where my mother had been just a moment ago. Now she was nowhere to be seen, and I felt a familiar stab of betrayal in my chest. "She left," I choked out, and my vision became blurry as my eyes filled with tears. "She always fucking leaves!"
"I know." Bella walked up behind me, slipping her arms around me and pressing her cheek against my back. "You don't belong here, baby," she murmured soothingly, her fingers running tenderly through my hair. "Why do you keep coming back?"
I wanted to turn around so I could hug her, needed to feel her in my arms to believe she was real, but found myself unable to turn my back against the scene playing out in front of me. "I never fucking left," I responded truthfully, watching James towering above a much younger version of myself across the room.
"I guess you're right," Bella said quietly, and I glanced at her over my shoulder. She bit her lip. "Just come back to me," she whispered, pleadingly. "I don't want you to stay here." I just shrugged, helplessly. She sniffled, and I quickly turned my face away, not wanting to see the tears in her eyes.
"Get up and move over to the bed!" James ordered coldly, and I watched how the boy - no, I - struggled to keep the fear and despair from showing as he scrambled to his feet, clearly not daring to disobey.
"He's hurting him," I all but whimpered, reaching blindly behind me for Bella.
She was right there, immediately taking my trembling hand in hers. "He's hurting you," she corrected softly, and I could only nod, the huge lump in my throat preventing me from speaking.
As James started towards the bed, I finally turned my back on him. I knew what was coming, and I couldn't stand the idea of watching for another second. "He fucking raped me,"I admitted then, barely recognizing my own voice.
Tears started trickling down Bella's face, and I found myself willing to do anything to remove her pain. "Yes," she agreed in a thick voice. "He did."
"I couldn't stop him." I reached out to brush her tears away while I completely ignored that my own were falling. "I should've tried harder."
Bella shook her head. "No, baby, she should've stopped him. You were just a kid, it was never up to you." I opened my mouth to object, but she gently placed a finger over my lips. "It's okay, baby, I'm right here," she whispered. "I love you."
"Love you," I mumbled in a broken voice, unable to do anything but look into her brown eyes.
She smiled, despite the tears. "Come on. It's time to go."
"Where?" I asked, tightening my grip on her hand as I was suddenly terrified she would leave without me.
But the look in her eyes told me she wouldn't.
"Home," she responded, pressing her lips softly against mine. "We're going home." As she tugged gently on my hand, leading me towards the door, I followed without objection.
And as I left the room and stepped out into the unknown, I never looked back once.
OoO
BPOV
I was confused and disoriented at first, as I couldn't figure out what it was that had caused me to wake up. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, and I blinked a couple of times. But the second my eyes landed on Edward, twisting and moaning next to me on the bed, I was suddenly wide awake.
He was obviously having a nightmare - a bad one, by the look of things. I hesitantly sat up, not quite sure what to do. Should I wake him up? Tentatively reaching out a hand, I then froze as he mumbled something I couldn't make out. I leaned in a little closer, prepared to give his shoulder a little shake if I had to, but at the same time, I was afraid of startling him even further.
"No, I didn't do anything, I promise," he whispered pleadingly, sounding absolutely terrified.
I decided enough was enough. Startled by the movement or not, it had to be better than whatever horrors haunting him in that moment. "Edward?" I whispered, carefully placing my hand on his cheek. He immediately became still, although he didn't wake up.
When he started moaning again, rolling over so he was facing away from me, I scooted closer and slid back down so I was spooning him, slipping one arm around his trembling body and pressed my cheek against his back. His fist clenched and un-clenched, and I wondered what was going on inside his mind. "Just come back to me," I pleaded softly.
In the next moment a fearful whimper escaped him, and his arm flew up to reach desperately behind him, as if he knew on some level that I was right there. I instantly grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. He seemed to calm down a little as he rolled over towards me, still fully asleep.
"He fucking raped me," he mumbled then, and I could see his eyes moving slightly under his closed lids. Tears welled up in my eyes.
"Yes," I breathed, refusing to let go of him even for a second so I could wipe my eyes. "He did." He tensed up and started muttering again, and tears began to spill down his cheeks. I rubbed his arm, whispering meaningless words of comfort as I kept begging him to wake up.
Eventually he became silent, if only for a brief moment. When his lips started moving again, I carefully covered his mouth with my finger. "It's okay, baby, I'm right here," I murmured soothingly. "I love you."
"Love you," he echoed, and I couldn't keep the happiness from bubbling up inside me at his words, not caring about the fact that he probably wasn't even aware of saying them. I brushed my lips gently against his and cuddled up next to him, as close as I could possibly get without climbing on top of him.
I felt how Edward finally relaxed against me, subconsciously snuggling into my embrace as he let out a soft sigh. His breathing soon became steady and even, and I was relieved beyond words when I realized he must have ridden out the nightmare without waking up once.
My hands were still shaking slightly as I ran my fingers absently through his hair, wondering if he would remember anything in the morning.
OoO
EPOV
Even before I was fully awake, I was aware of Bella's presence. She was still asleep, curled up on her side with one arm around me and her other hand buried in my hair. I shifted a little, just so I could look at her properly. She looked so peaceful, a faint smile on her face, and I was relieved. For some reason, an image of Bella in tears flashed through my head.
That was when I remembered parts of my nightmare. I had been back there, in my old room in Chicago. Bella had been there as well, and for the first time ever, the outcome of the dream had changed. Even now, when it was just a faint memory, I could feel the difference. For one thing, I felt relaxed, almost at peace, and fully rested.
It seemed as if Bella had managed to find a way into not only my battered heart and soul, but into my dreams as well. I shook my head in amazement, wondering once again what I had ever done to deserve her. She was my salvation, and I knew I would never be able to thank her enough.
Suddenly Bella shifted in her sleep. My eyes widened slightly as her leg slid across mine and she subconsciously pressed herself closer to me. All of a sudden, I could feel her soft breasts against my chest, and before I even realized what I was doing, I was pressing my lower body against hers.
Bella let out a soft moan, automatically responding by mimicking my movements. "Mm, Edward..." she breathed, and I gasped. There was a tingling sensation, and I felt myself growing hard. For a moment, the feeling was indescribable. Then I felt like I had just been hit by a bucket of ice-water, and froze dead in my tracks.
What the fuck am I doing?
I pulled back abruptly, just as Bella's eyes fluttered open. Her face was a mixture of surprise and confusion. "What...?" she started, but I didn't wait for her to finish as I scrambled away from her and jumped out of bed. "Edward?" Bella quickly threw the duvet to the side and sat up, sounding alarmed. "What's wrong?"
Even though it physically hurt to ignore her, I couldn't bring myself to answer - or even turn to look at her - as I rushed out of the room and fled into the bathroom, my heart pounding wildly in my chest.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, what is happening to me?
Okay, so I wasn't completely stupid - I had been forced to endure the dreaded sex education in school just as everyone else. But I had done my best to block it all and push it to the farthest back of my mind, fully convinced that it would never concern me in any way. Sex was bad, shameful. Disgusting.
I shuddered as I recalled forcing myself not to cry out in agony as he slammed into me over and over again, until I was certain the pain would cut me in half, and I just wished for the mercy of unconsciousness. Something so fucking repulsive, so ugly could never be good.
But here I was, locked up in the bathroom, shaking and sweating, with a throbbing fucking erection. All because of Bella, who I had practically molested in her sleep. I was no better than James.
Fuck!
I sank to the floor, buried my head in my knees and tried to get my breathing under control as I struggled against the panic threatening to overwhelm me. Oh God, what had I done? The fact that we had both been fully clothed was lost on me. What if I had hurt her?
"Edward!" I could hear Bella's voice outside, sounding close to tears as she was pounding frantically on the door. "I don't understand what happened! What did I do? Please, just open up and talk to me!"
Tugging forcefully at my hair, I tried to block her out, although not succeeding. It didn't sound like she was mad at me, but I still couldn't bring myself to face her, at least not yet. I needed some time to think, to clear my head, but my mind was racing in all kinds of directions, none of them pleasant.
The knocking stopped for a moment, and I thought I heard Bella talking to someone. Then I could hear Emmett's booming voice at the other side of the door, sounding almost as distressed as Bella. "Hey Edward, are you okay? What's going on? Open up!"
Like hell I will, I thought, wishing they would both just leave me alone, because I couldn't even think straight. A part of me longed for Bella's presence and comfort, but at the same time, I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. She obviously thought she was the one to blame for my meltdown just now, and I couldn't deal with that shit on top of everything else.
Once again, she needed me to be there for her, and I couldn't. A choked sob escaped me. The knocking continued for a while, and I could still hear their concerned voices calling out for me, but eventually they became silent, and I let out a sigh of relief.
Maybe Bella gave up and went home. The mere thought caused my heart to ache, but I knew I couldn't blame her if she left now. I remained on the floor for a couple of minutes, pathetically rocking back and forth until my traitorous cock was no longer bothering me as it was now hanging completely limp between my legs.
I finally managed to pull myself together enough to get up from the floor, peel off my clothes, and get into the shower. As I stood there for a long time under the steaming water, I tried in vain to scrub off the disturbing feeling of being dirty and unclean, but seeing how it was clearly just in my head, it didn't quite work.
About ten minutes later, I had put my t-shirt and sweatpants back on since I hadn't been able to bring any clean clothes with me, and there was no way I would walk even the few steps back to my room in nothing but a towel. To my relief, the hallway was seemingly empty, and neither Bella nor Emmett were in sight.
I quickly slipped back into my room, only to stop dead in my tracks as I immediately spotted Emmett, sitting restlessly at the edge of my bed. Glancing around the room, I realized he was alone, and swallowed hard. "Where's Bella?" I managed to get out in a hoarse voice.
"I told her to wait in Alice's room," he answered quietly, his eyes worriedly scanning my face.
Letting out the breath I had been holding, I nodded in understanding, feeling strangely relieved she was still in the house. "Would you please leave?" I asked then, unable to bring myself to put any real energy in my request. He just shook his head, and I sighed and slumped down in a chair, lacking the strength and will to argue with him.
"Wanna tell me what happened?" he finally asked, carefully. I rolled my eyes, but didn't respond. He let out a sigh. "Look, I don't know what's going on here, but I do know Bella's quite upset right now. Apparently, all she wants is for you to talk to her, but since you're clearly not in a mood for that, would you please just explain to me? Maybe I can help."
I automatically snorted, but the look on Emmett's face told me he was serious. I shook my head. "Why do you even care?" He just looked at me expectantly, and I groaned. "Fuck this! I'm not talking to you. You wouldn't understand, anyway."
"Try me." There was a challenging note in his voice. I pressed my lips together and refused to meet his eyes, hoping he would just take the hint and leave. No such luck. When Emmett seemed to realize I wasn't going to say anything, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Okay, mind if I just guess then?"
My eyes narrowed and I gave him a warning look. However, my hostile glare wasn't enough to discourage him as he went on, "You and Bella are together in your bed, sleeping," he emphasized the word, "and then all of a sudden you freak out on her. She has no idea what happened, so it can't be about anything she said."
"Emmett," I growled, daring him to continue. "Just fucking let it go."
Emmett let out a nervous laugh. "Seriously, man, there's nothing wrong with..." He cleared his throat. "I mean, it happens to me all the time. You're just lucky to have Bella around - it's not nearly as fun waking up with a hard-on when you're all alone." A somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him.
"Fun?" I stared at him in disbelief, totally forgetting to be on my guard. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
"Oh, come on!" His tentative grin disappeared and he crossed his arms over his chest. "You make it sound like it's the end of the world or something. What's the big deal? Really, it's cool."
"It's not fucking cool!" I glared at him. "I would never hurt Bella."
His expression changed into confusion. "Hurt her? I never said you would. We're talking about..." his voice became uncertain, "...sex here, right? Which is a good thing. Why would you say...?" His voice trailed off.
"There's nothing good about sex!" I blurted out without thinking. "I would never do that to her." Seeing how Emmett tilted his head to the side, watching my face closely, I realized I may have said too much. I swallowed hard, wrapping my arms protectively around myself as I felt a chill run down my spine.
My entire body was suddenly screaming at me to leave, before he would figure it out. But somehow, my feet refused to move.
"Wait a minute..." Emmet hesitated, and I could practically see the wheels turning in his head. My eyes shot to his as I silently begged him to stop. He slowly started shaking his head, and I could see the exact moment realization hit him, because all color suddenly left his face and his mouth fell open. "Dude..." he whispered, his eyes wide as saucers.
I turned around and ran.
