My thoughts racing, I fought off images of hurting Katniss all night…thoughts of killing her at times.
What if I kill her? I thought. What if I wake up and strangle the life out of her without even being aware of what I'm doing? Oh, God. Please don't let me kill her.
Pulling the sleeping bag up to my shoulders, I allowed my leg to fall asleep under me because I was afraid to move any more.
The part of my brain that lies right under my forehead started to feel tingly just like it sometimes did when I was tortured with the venom, and I considered it a warning that another violent image was about to flash into my mind.
Stop it! I told myself. Focus on something else. You're safe. She's safe.
It didn't work.
I buried my face in my hands, my palms becoming wet with my tears because I knew it was going to be awful.
Katniss is pleading with me, and the pleas are like those I heard from Johanna when she was attacked just outside the cellblock. Katniss knows the name of her attacker though. It's me. She cries out just like Johanna did. She begs me to let her go and leave her alone. I don't listen. I overpower her anyway because I don't care. I am completely devoid of compassion for her.
As the images became increasingly intense and brutal, I lost more sense of myself.
It can't be me doing this…it must be a monster…a mutt, I thought. That's what I am now.
The words I say to Katniss only make sense in the context of our relationship. I justified it all. The Capitol gave her to me, but she won't conform to her role as my wife. This should have happened long ago! Not only that, she's lead me on a thousand times. I deserve this. It's her fault. She's toyed with my emotions one to many times!
I pressed my fingernails into my palms to try to feel a physical sensation stronger than the emotional agony. My hope was that my efforts would confirm for me that what was happening in my head wasn't the truth, but the technique was only partially successful. I rubbed my head harshly where it continued to tingle on and off. Nothing helped. I readied myself for the most disturbing part of the vision.
There's no doubt about what I'm doing. I'm taking away Katniss' choices over her own body, taking what she doesn't want to give me. There are tears running out of the outside corners of her eyes, over her ears, and into her dark brown hair. I stare down at her, seeing the shock and hurt in her eyes for the first time. Suddenly I feel guilty…but it's much too late.
As quickly as the terrible images hit me, they vanished. The remnants of the horror remained though. I was heartbroken. How could I even think such thoughts? Terrible thoughts! Whether tracker jacker venom induced or not, I could not live with them.
I jumped up and struggled to remove the sleeping bag from around me. Jackson appeared beside me, and Finnick pointed his gun at me hesitantly.
My face must have shown my anguish because upon seeing me Jackson's eyes narrowed with concern.
She barked instructions at me to sit down though, and I did. Then she came over to sit beside me as Finnick lowered his gun.
I couldn't stop myself from talking; the words poured out like water over the falls back home. My mouth could hardly utter what I had to say fast enough.
"They didn't give me one of those nightlock pills," I stammered. "I want one."
"I think this is why they didn't give you one." Jackson pointed to my trembling hands. "Those pills are only for if you are captured, and you might use yours at another time because of all that's happening to you."
She cast her eyes downward a bit once she'd said it. Was she thinking about how I was the one who really knew what being captured was like? What it could do to a person?
"Just give me one, please. Nobody will care if I take it no matter when I do it."
"You know I can't do that. Besides, we'd all care. Katniss would care too, whether she's willing to admit that or not." Jackson protested.
I began rocking back and forth which allowed me to stay quiet for the moment.
"Lie down again, Peeta. Rest." Although Jackson's tone was kind, these were intended as orders from my superior officer. So I did my best to obey.
I could feel my mind slowing, but it wasn't recovered yet. It was simply getting lost a little in the past. The place it went certainly was more pleasant than anything I'd experienced all night though.
/
We haven't been back from the Victory Tour that long.
There is a loud knock at the door in the middle of the night. I am stunned to find Katniss in just her nightgown and coat when I open it. I hurry her inside to get her out of the cold.
"Katniss, you'll freeze to death out there in that! What are you doing?"
"Coming to see you, Peeta. Nothing else helps. I've tried everything."
"What do you mean?" I ask as I sit her down by the fire and remove her boots. The lower part of her nightgown is quickly becoming wet as the snow that is attached to it begins to melt. I dust the snow off her coat and hang it up.
"Peeta, will you hold me tonight?" Her voice sounds desperate. "I know I shouldn't want it, and it's not fair to you…"
"Yes," I say, interrupting her.
"What?"
"Yes, I'll hold you."
Her eyes soften; she's relieved. She's been afraid I'd say no. She tugs on my shirt and then pulls herself up so she is standing in front of me. Her breath feels warm on my neck.
"Peeta," she says. She runs her fingers across my cheek. "You really are good to me. Sometimes I wish I was different so I could be what you need and want."
"You are what I need and want," I say slowly as I wrap my hands around her elbows. I'm too afraid of scaring her off to put them anywhere else.
Katniss looks deeply into my eyes; she barely blinks.
"You know that if I could be a wife, I'd consider being yours." She says.
"I thought you were already going to be my wife."
"Well, yes. I guess that's true. It's just…if I were going to marry someone and have children with them for real, without the Capitol's input, it might surprise you to know that I'd want to consider doing that with you."
I genuinely smile.
"That's one of the oddest but best compliments anyone has ever given me, Katniss."
She smiles.
As we walk slowly up the stairs I wonder what we'll tell her mother and Prim in the morning. Technically, we are engaged. It would seem reasonable that we'd miss each other and want to see each other in the middle of the night. They probably knew about Katniss' nightmares and might suspect I had them too. Katniss' mother might understand our "treatment" for them.
Pulling a shirt out of my closet, I give it to Katniss.
It will be as long as her nightgown on her, I think.
I sit down beside her on the bed.
"We need to get you out of those wet clothes, Katniss."
She snuggles up beside me, clutching my arm. I notice how she is allowing me to see her vulnerability. She trusts me, maybe more than anyone. She might trust me even more than she trusts Gale.
It reminds me of the night she was drunk, but she isn't drunk. She's just let her guard down like I'd hoped she would someday.
I motion towards the bathroom. "It's all yours," I say.
Katniss shakes her head. "I don't want to be that far away."
"Okay. I'll just turn around then."
I turn my whole body around and close my eyes as an additional precaution. Once she finishes changing we snuggle underneath the covers and hold each other tightly. She feels so good. I'd almost forgotten the pleasure of feeling her soft body in my arms, the bliss of running my fingers through her hair, the elation of brushing up against her lightly when one of us moves. I recognize that she'll know something of how she's affected me tonight. There is no nightmare in these moments to distract her from my reactions. I don't care much though. The truth is the truth. Besides, she'd come to me. Maybe she would marry me, and maybe it would be for real.
