A/N: Chapter 50! And only a few more chapters left! Can you believe it? We are winding down to the end of this story and in doing so, I have made the sad decision to not continue with this series as I had originally planned. Don't worry - this story will definitely have its closure. But I did start to write the the sequel to this story and just have not been able to spend much time with it, which isn't fair to you or to me. I know that towards the end of this story I haven't been able to update as quickly as you would have liked, and I actually agree with you. My busy schedule just hasn't given me the time to really spend with this story or the potential sequel, and I would hate to continue leaving you hanging. So as we wind down to the last couple of chapters in this story, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling = not me.


Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 50: Of Gandhi, Inappropriate Jokes, & Secrets

By ByeByeBirdie


++REMUS++

I didn't know what I was going to say to Lily because I couldn't be sure how mad she actually was. But as it turns out, I still had more time to figure it out because it wasn't Lily who answered the door, it was Keegan. "Hey," I greeted, the reminder of Sirius' words from the night before settling into my mind.

"Hey, Remus. What are you doing here?" she asked. She looked exhausted and I wondered if she slept at all.

I hesitated before asking, "Is Lily here?"

Keegan shook her head. "Nah, she's at work."

"It's Saturday."

"I'm aware."

I sighed. "Okay," I said, for lack of anything better to say. Glancing at Keegan, I couldn't help but add, "And, uh…how are you doing?"

She looked mildly confused before her eyes narrowed skeptically. "Let me guess. You've spoken to Sirius?"

I shrugged. "I hear you're moving back to France."

Her jawline grew rigid. "Yes."

"I think it's a stupid idea."

She scowled. "I didn't ask for your opinion."

I shrugged, flashing her a smile. "I know, but I figured someone had to tell you," I smirked.

She rolled her eyes. "Shouldn't you be looking for Lily right about now?"

"Shouldn't you be talking to Sirius right now?"

She opened her mouth to retort, but nothing came up. "Remus…"

I shrugged, unperturbed by the desperation in her voice. "He needs you, Keegan, and I'm pretty sure you need him, too."

She frowned. "I don't know what I need," she admitted.

"Fair enough," I said with a shrug. "But is running away really the answer to figuring that out?"

"I'm not running away," she murmured irritably. "I'm…" she trailed off, searching for the right words.

"Running away?"

She scowled. "Shouldn't you be looking for Lily right about now?"

I smirked, shrugging knowingly. "Just take some time to think about it," I urged, turning around and heading towards the elevator.

She said nothing, but I wasn't surprised as I headed out of the apartment and apparated to the Ministry. I didn't know why I was so invested in getting involved in my friends' affairs. Maybe focusing on their problems took me away from my own. Or maybe it was just because at a young age, I had learned that the Marauders stuck together. Their problems were my problems, so I couldn't stay away even when I tried. And if Sirius or James couldn't get through to Lily, maybe it was my turn to try. Someone had to before she left and it was too late.

I knocked on her cracked open office door and without bothering to listen for a response, I pushed the door open. The first thing I noticed was that her office was now bare except for a few piles of papers on her desk. The next thing I noticed was the anger in her tired, puffy (dare I even say hungover?) eyes.

"Hey," I greeted.

She looked up with a hesitant frown. "Remus, I'm don't really want to talk-"

"Yeah, I don't really care what you want," I interrupted with a shrug, shutting the door behind me.

She blinked in surprise. "Excuse me?"

I sighed, taking a seat across from her. "You're leaving in twenty-four hours and whatever the hell is going on in your head, it has nothing to do with me or Peter or Sirius and everything to do with James. And taking it out on us isn't going to change what he did to you."

She frowned. "Remus, I'm really not in the mood," she pleaded. "I-I don't know what to think or do anymore, so right now, I just want to finish these reports, finish packing, and get the hell out of here before any other bombs are dropped on me."

"Lily-"

"So can you please just go?" she sighed, glancing back down at the report in front of her.

She looked so conflicted, so tortured. I didn't know what to make of it. Even when she was hurting, she had always looked so put together. Now she just looked like a shattered robot.

"Lily, what's going on?" I asked softly.

Her quill halted against the page as she pondered the question. Glancing up at me, she said, "I'm leaving tomorrow, Remus."

"I'm aware."

"I'm…I'm leaving," she repeated, shaking her head. "Tomorrow!"

I frowned hesitantly. "Do…do you not want to leave?"

"No, I do," she was quick to ague. "I just…I can't do this anymore. Any of it. I'm over the drama and the heartbreak and the betrayal. So I don't want to talk about it or even think about it right now. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Nothing does."

My heart skipped a beat. "So…" I dithered hesitantly. "I'm not worth it?"

"That's not what I'm saying," she murmured, but she said nothing else.

"C'mon, Lily," I pleaded, shaking my head. "We've been friends for eleven years. You just want to throw that away because…because what, you're exhausted?"

"I'm not throwing anything away," she was quick to argue. "I'm leaving."

"That doesn't mean you have to leave us all behind," I sighed, shaking my head. "I understand that James hurt you. Badly. But don't take that out on us."

"Yeah, James hurt me, but you did too! You guys sat by and watched me crumble and you said nothing. How is that supposed to make me feel?"

I could see the tears threatening to break free and I wish I had something to say to change that. "Like we were stuck between a rock and a hard place and didn't know how to change that."

She frowned. "You should have told me."

"No, James should have told you."

She winced, a shiver running down her spine. "Yeah, he should have," she spoke coolly. "But he didn't. That's when you should have stepped in."

I opened my mouth to argue, but I didn't have much of an argument except for the fact that I was forced to respect his wishes no matter how misguided they were. And I had a feeling that would make Lily angrier. "Be mad at him. Please don't be mad at me."

She frowned. "I'm not mad, I just…dammit, I want to hate him so much. James, I mean. I want to blame him for everything, but I just can't seem to actually do so! He completely broke my heart and hurt me so much more than I ever thought possible. He is a lying, manipulative jackass of a guy who-"

"Who you are still very much in love with."

She opened her mouth to argue but said nothing, her eyes filling with helplessness.

I shrugged, knowing I had hit the nail on the head. "Lily, you're talking to a werewolf here. We happen to be very perceptive creatures. You want to hate James. And you want him to hate you. You want to be able to just turn and walk away and you want him to let you go. You want to not be in love with him. And you want the same from him. But you can't just turn that off. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of time to be able to let that-"

"Good thing I'll have all the time in the world once I leave tomorrow," she muttered, tossing her quill on to the table and sitting back in her chair. "Please just go, Remus. I already said I wasn't in the mood to deal with you and I meant it."

I shook my head. "C'mon, Lily, don't do this. You pretending to be mad at us isn't going to make leaving any easier."

She glared at me. "What?"

"That's what you're doing whether you realize it or not. You said so yourself that you're done with all of this and you just want to leave. And you think leaving would be a lot easier if you didn't have anything you were leaving behind."

"You're delusional."

"Or I'm right."

"Or you're delusional!"

I smirked. "Look, I know it must have stung to find out that Sirius, Peter, and I knew all along what James had done, but what did you expect us to do in that situation? These were his demons, not ours. He needed to own up to them, not us."

"You lied to me," she whispered.

"What else were we supposed to do?" I asked softly.

"You were supposed to tell me the truth!" she argued.

I cringed. "Lily-"

"Don't Lily me," she sighed, shaking her head. "You know I'm right. You can't even argue with me because you do feel bad for keeping quiet. I know you do."

She was definitely right about that. "What would you have done?" I asked. "If Kay broke up with Lance and didn't' tell him the truth, but she told you. Would you have told him?"

"That's different," she sputtered out, shaking her head. "I wasn't friends with Lance before they started dating. I hadn't known him since I was eleven. He hadn't been my friend first and Kay's boyfriend second."

"It's not different," I spoke softly. "You wouldn't have said anything because your best friend asked you not to."

"So what you're saying is you chose James over me, hm?"

"Lily-"

"Because that's what happened, Remus. You put him first even though you didn't agree with him. You're a Marauder first and foremost. You always have been, you always will be. So go be his best friend. He could probably use one considering I cost him his friendship with Sirius."

My brow furrowed. That threw me for a bit of a loop. "Is that what this is about?" I asked curiously. "You feel guilty for turning James against Sirius?"

"What? No! I don't feel shit for James after-"

"Yeah, you do," I argued, rolling my eyes. "This isn't about you leaving at all, is it? This is about the fact that you know how much James has gone through over the past few months. Years really. He's lost a lot of good people – three brothers, his father, Caleb – and the moment you told him the truth about you and Sirius, you realized that you just took his best friend from him."

"That's…what…you don't know what you're talking about," she stuttered, shaking her head vehemently.

"You want to make sure he's okay in the end," I murmured, putting the pieces together in my head. "You're basically forcing me to choose him here. Once upon a time, you believe I chose him over you and you were hurt by that. Yet you want me to do it again. For him. With you leaving, you need someone else around to make sure he turns out okay."

"I don't give a shit about him!" she argued desperately.

I shook my head. "I think we've already established that unfortunately you do."

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She closed it and leaned back in her chair with a defeated sigh. I watched her squirm awkwardly as she contemplated my words. Eventually, she spoke. "He needs you, Remus," she whispered.

I was very aware of that even if James didn't think so. "He needs you, too," I blurted out.

Her eyes narrowed. "He doesn't get to need me," she spoke coolly.

I didn't know what to say to that. I wish it was as easy as me telling her it wasn't her choice, but that would only make her more frustrated at a time when I was trying to get her to forgive me.

"Everything has changed," she whispered. "This wasn't how things were supposed to go."

Understatement of the year. "I know," I agreed, frowning. "Believe me, I'm well aware of that. You and James are still supposed to be together. Hell, you're supposed to be married by now. James is supposed to be finding a way not to go on that stupid mission trip. Sirius isn't supposed to have feelings for yet another troubled girl who is so afraid to fall in love. Riley wasn't supposed to come back and turn our worlds upside down. She's certainly not supposed to be marrying Rhett Davies. Hell, she wasn't supposed to leave in the first place. Caleb is supposed to be alive. Keegan isn't supposed to run off to France. The Order is supposed to keep us all safe. And I'm…" I trailed off, not even sure how to finish that sentence.

"Yeah?"

I sighed, finding a sudden interest in the floor. "I'm supposed to be married to Jillian. These were all the things that were supposed to happen. This is what was expected. And now?"

"Things have gone to complete shit?" Lily snorted, shooting me a knowing look.

I met her gaze and nodded. "Yeah," I whispered. "That's one way of looking at it."

She shook her head, her bottom lip trembling with remorse. "It's the only way of looking at it," she whispered.

Glancing into her emerald eyes, all I saw was pain. Nothing more. Just a sea full of crippling devastation that had overtaken her entire existence. I wanted to be able to change things so that we would all be okay. I wanted to believe that angst didn't have to run our lives. I wanted to believe that one day we could all get back to the people we used to be. And I wanted to be there the first time Lily smiled and actually meant that because I can't remember the last time that happened. But I wouldn't be there. Because she was leaving in 30 hours and who knew the next time I'd see her.

That reminder tugged at my heartstrings. 30 hours. Lily and I have always gotten along well. We were both very easy-going, level-headed, loyal people and I couldn't recall a single time she and I ever got into a fight. She had always kept me grounded, reminding me that even on the days where I found it nearly impossible to fight through, a simple smile could brighten it up. She had never been a negative person, choosing to stay optimistic about whatever the future would hold for her. In a world constricted by war, Lily rarely let it affect the way she lived her life. I always admired that about her. It's one of the reasons I think James made the hugest mistake in letting her go because in the end, Lily never cared about what the end result may be. She only ever focused on the present moment, not getting bogged down with constant worry about the future. And instead of letting Lily focus on just being with James, he had let the unnecessary paranoia take control of their relationship. She would have died for James and wouldn't have regretted it.

Problem was, that was something James would have regretted for the rest of his life.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you," I murmured, shaking my head in disbelief. "You are one hell of a girl, y'know that? I get why you feel you have to go but for the record, I'm really going to miss you."

Her eyes twinged with both surprise and flattery. "I'm going to miss you, too," she urged with a hint of sad smile. "This would be a lot easier if I actually hated you."

"Hah! So you were faking!"

She couldn't help but chuckle, shooting me a look. "No, I really was disappointed and hurt, Remus. But I don't have a lot of time to be disappointed and hurt. I'd rather leave missing you than hating you."

"Aw, did you get that off a Hallmark card?" I teased.

Another chuckle. "Can I…" she trailed off hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"

Intrigue. "Of course."

She frowned, staring down at the paper on her desk as she chewed on the inside of her lip. "Which do you think is worse?" she asked in a small voice. "What he did to me or what I did to him?"

When I glanced down at her in surprise, all I saw was guilt flashing in her emerald eyes. I wish I had an easy answer to her question, but I didn't. I kept saying that what transpired between Sirius and Lily wouldn't have happened if James hadn't given them a reason, but that doesn't justify it. Both acts of betrayal were demeaning in their own way no matter what the circumstances were. And it just seemed that the cycle was never-ending. James hurt Lily by telling her he didn't love her, Lily hurt James by sleeping with his best friend, James hurt Lily more by telling her the truth, which resulted in Lily hurting both James and James by admitting the truth aloud. Who was doing to be taken down next?

"I think…" I dithered hesitantly. "I think that everyone would have a different answer to that question."

She looked at me skeptically before breaking out with an amused smile. "Well, ain't that a politician's answer."

I smiled, glad to see her own smile perched on her face.

"But I'm not asking everyone," she pointed out with a shrug. "I'm asking you."

My smile faded. "I don't know, Lily," I spoke honestly. "I think you both got your heart broken and you both dealt with it in the wrong way."

"Another politician's answer," she said with a lopsided smile. "You want my answer to the question?"

My eyebrow quirked. I would have thought that answer was obvious. "Okay," I said curiously.

"I think what is worse is that I actually thought telling James about what happened would somehow even the playing field, but all it did was cause more pain to more people and it all could have been avoided if I hadn't been so convinced that hurting James the way he hurt me was the answer to solving all of our never-ending problems."

She looked so pain-stricken as she spoke that I wished I had something comforting to tell her, but unfortunately, I didn't because I couldn't help but agree with her. James' mistake was lying to Lily in the first place. Lily's mistake wasn't the lying part – it was the telling him part. "Do you think you'll ever forgive him for what he did?" I asked curiously.

She frowned, glancing up at me with her sad eyes. "I don't know," she admitted.

When I looked over at her, I was very much aware of how much she had changed over the last couple of months. She used to always be so bright and cheery, a positive aura constantly following her around. Now, she just looked so mechanically demoralized. I hated my best friend for doing that to her. But I also couldn't put total blame on him. Lily had been someone before James and I wanted so desperately for her to understand that she could be someone without him. "Well, this may not solve all of the problems, but what I think you need right now is a good-bye party," I urged with a hopeful grin.

She groaned. "I don't have time to party," she whined but there was a hint of a smile on her face. It didn't light up her eyes like it normally did but it was a start. "I have to finish my final reports, put together a training matrix for my replacement, plus move out of my office officially. I still have some packing to do at home and I need-"

"So what you're saying is that's a yes for the party idea?" I interrupted, smirking.

She clearly tried to stop herself from smiling with very little success. "I'm really not in the partying mood, Remus," she said softly.

I had a feeling she might say that. "You're leaving tomorrow, Lily," I reminded her lightly. "And who knows when you'll be back. You need a night to remind you of the good memories you had here. And frankly, we all need that as well."

She smiled nostalgically before letting out a shrug. "Alright, fine, twist my arm," she said softly. "I might not be in the mood to party but hey, if you get everyone to Blarney's, I'll consider showing up."

"Challenge accepted!"

She laughed as I climbed out of the chair and headed towards the door. When I glanced back at her, she was already burying herself in paperwork and the frown had returned. "Hey, Lily?"

She glanced up at me with a quirked eyebrow. "Hm?"

"You're going to be okay," I said softly. "Y'know that?"

She didn't respond immediately, slowly placing the quill on to her desk. Eventually she just said, "I really hope so."


++SIRIUS++

"Firewhisky please," I murmured, slipping into the barstool.

Melinda's eyebrow shot upward. "It's noon."

"A perfect time for a firewhisky. Make it a double."

She sighed but poured it for me anyway. Handing me the glass, she said, "Sickle for your thoughts?"

I snorted. "You'd have to have a vault-full of sickles for all the thoughts swimming in my mind right now."

"That bad, hm?" she winced, leaning against the bar top. "Y'know, as a barmaid, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but alcohol won't solve all of your problems."

"No, but it might drown out the voices in my head," I muttered, taking a gulp of the firewhisky and finding sick pleasure as the liquid burned my throat.

"You want to talk about it?" she asked curiously.

"Holy Hufflepuff, are you going to go all psychiatrist on me, too?"

She frowned. "No, I was going to go all friend on you. Looks like you could use one."

My eyebrow quirked. "Friend, hm?"

She smiled. "I see you more than I see my actual boyfriend, Sirius. I'd consider us friends."

I gaped at her. "You have a bloody boyfriend?"

She chuckled, nodding.

"How has that fact never come up in all the time we've known you?"

"I think you may have been too busy flirting with me."

I smirked, though it quickly faded. "Oh, Merlin, please tell me it is not Gabe."

She roared with laughter, shaking her head. "Hell no."

I wiped my brow with feigned relief. "So tell me about him? What does he do? How did you meet? How long have-"

"Wow, you really don't want to talk about what's going on with you, do you? So much that you're actually pretending to care about my boyfriend?"

I frowned. "Or maybe I actually do care."

She sighed. "Look, Sirius, I know it's been pretty rough for you and your friends lately. But this can go one of two ways. You can sit here and drown your sorrows in alcohol until you wake up tomorrow and realize that your sorrows will still be there. Or you can do something to change the way you feel. You may be one hell of a tipper so staying wouldn't be the worst idea in the world, but I'd honestly vote for the second option if I were you."

Downing the rest of my glass, I couldn't help but reflect on her words. "It's that easy, hm?" I murmured, feeling my heart begin to race at the possibility of going after what I really wanted.

"I didn't say it would be easy," she argued. "But whatever it is, it's got to be better than sitting here finding out the girl you've flirted with for the past two years has a boyfriend."

I clutched my heart in feigned agony. "It's like a knife to my heart!"

She chuckled. "Go home, Sirius. Be the change you want to see in the world."

I blinked. "Did you just quote Gandhi to me?"

She grinned sheepishly. "You know Gandhi?"

"I know that quote."

"Because this isn't the first time someone had told you to act like a fucking man and face your problems head-on instead of at the bottom of a firewhisky bottle?"

I glared at her. "And for that, you get no tip today," I said with a smirk, hopping off the bar stool as I paid her for the firewhisky.

"And after the great tips I just gave you!" she called after me.

As I fell out of the bar, I felt lighter than I had all week. Melinda was right. What was sulking going to resolve? If I wanted the outcome of my current dilemmas to be different than the path they were headed down, I needed to do something about it. It was time to take matters into my own hands. I was done letting others decide my fate. I needed to step up and take ahold of what I wanted if I didn't want to live with any regrets. It was either that or continue crying like a pathetic baby out on my freezing balcony.

When I got back to my apartment building, it wasn't my own apartment I headed into. Instead, I strolled towards the apartment across the hall and knocked. At that point, I didn't care who answered: Lily or Keegan. I had something to say to both of them.

First up was Keegan.

I saw her frown as she opened the door. "Sirius, what-"

I really had practiced a speech on the way back from Blarney's but as I stared up at her, the words came out in a jumbled, desperate manner out of fear that she would slam the door in my face before I could say it all. "Don't go to France," I blurted out.

She took a hesitant step back. "Sirius-"

"Stay," I pleaded. "For me."

She looked beyond shocked, which is exactly what I felt that those words just actually came out of my mouth.

"I don't want to let you go without a fight," I hastily continued. "I let Riley go without telling her that I wanted – hell, I needed her to stay and the next four years were nearly impossible to get through. I won't make that same mistake with you. I want to be with you and I think you want to be with me, too. So why can't that just be enough? For once, why can't that just be the answer?"

I knew I sounded desperate, but at this point, I didn't care. "I'm losing a lot of great people: Lily, James, even Riley," I whispered, my heart aching at the very thought. "And I could be standing outside their doors now begging them to stay but I'm not. I'm here instead. Because I know that what they are looking for might not be here with me. But I also know that what you are looking for could be standing right in front of you if you're willing to give me a chance. I-I'm not one to lay my heart out on the line for anyone considering the last time I did that, it got stomped all over. But I'm here laying my heart out on the line for you. Because I think you're worth it. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. We butt heads and fight over the stupidest things. We are both so stubborn that we hate believing we can't get our way and considering neither one of us is willing to give in, it often means we get into an argument. We hide our hearts with fake smiles and feigned understanding. But here's the thing, Keegan. We understand each other when no one else seems to. And to me, that means something. When I told you I would wait for you, I meant it. But I'm not so sure I'll be able to wait too long so please don't make me. I'm begging you to stay and I really hope you considering doing it. Now, I presume Lily is in her room?"

I didn't say anything else and I didn't let her say anything as I strode past her and into the hallway connected to the bedrooms to search for Lily, finally letting out the breath of air I had been holding in since I knocked on her door.

Lily's door was cracked open and I knocked before entering.

She glanced up at me with a curious frown. "Sirius, I-"

"I know that you probably need time away from me right now after all of the shit you've had to deal with, but the problem is, Lily-bean, we don't have the time because you're leaving tomorrow. So just tell me whatever it is I have to do to get you to forgive me."

She blinked. "Sirius, you-"

"Because I'm sorry! I really am," I continued before she could say something I wouldn't want to hear. "You and I have been going back and forth over these past few months between love and hate and I wish I hadn't given you a reason to hate me again. You're one of my closest friends and I couldn't imagine what would happen if you left tomorrow still angry at me."

"Sirius, please-"

"Don't let our friendship fall apart, Lily, just because you think it might be easier to leave. I think I deserve more credit than that. I think we deserve more credit than that."

"Sirius, I know-"

"We have been through so much so please tell me we can get through this."

"Okay, I will tell-"

"Please think long and hard about what you're going to say next because if you tell me you can't forgive me, I may not be able to handle that and right now, I need some good news."

"SIRIUS!"

I blinked, swallowing hard. "Yes?"

"I'm not mad at you."

I frowned in confusion. "Heh?"

She cracked a smile. "It's easy being mad at you, Sirius. We've been doing it for years."

"Uh…what?"

She shrugged. "I was livid at the situation and I took it out on you because you turned up. I-I haven't treated you fairly at all over the past couple of months, and you do deserve so much better. I'm sorry for casting you aside so many times. I'm sorry for yesterday."

I hesitated once again. "Again I repeat: what?"

She chuckled, slipping on to the edge of her bed. "I'm angry at James," she said softly. "I'm…I'm really angry at him. But, and it's taken me a while to realize this, it's hard for me to be so mad at a person I had loved so deeply for so many years. So I took it out on you and Remus and Peter. Remus was right when he told me so this morning. He made me realize I was displacing my anger with everything else on you as a way of making it easier to leave. Unfortunately being mad at you isn't going to make any of this any easier."

I scowled. "How come Remus always gets people to forgive him first?"

"He's a werewolf. In his words, he's awfully perceptive."

"Damn those werewolf senses," I muttered, leaning up against the doorframe. "Can I call dibs on being the peacemaker next fight?"

It was meant to make Lily laugh but that amused upward turn of a smile quickly fell into a frown. "I'm going to miss your jokes, Sirius Black," she said softly, glancing towards one of her cardboard boxes.

I frowned, too. "No," I argued sternly. "We are not going to get all sappy and sentimental yet because dammit, I don't do sappy and I don't do sentimental. I will stay and help you pack only if you are full of smiles."

She smiled feebly, gesturing me into the room. "Well, if anyone could get me to smile, it would certainly be you," she pointed out. "And why are you choosing to help me pack when I know you have your own set of boxes across the hall to unpack?"

I tried to keep my frown from turning downward even more as I thought how little time I had left with her. "I'm going to miss your nagging, Miss Evans," I said softly. "Now hand me the duct tape."

She smiled and obliged.


++LILY++

I had almost been hoping just to leave England quietly and without any sort of fuss. I was exhausted and drained and my heart had taken such a huge hit, that I just wanted to go to the States without looking back.

Unfortunately, I had such good friends that I knew I would have no way of doing that. So that's how I ended up at Blarney's that night.

It took a lot of persuasive encouragement to get Keegan to come with me.

"So, what did Sirius say to you?" I had asked when I initially hovered in Keegan's bedroom doorway.

She frowned. "Nothing," she lied.

I shot her a look. "He had to have said something, unless he shoved past you to get to my room."

"Yeah, let's go with that."

I rolled my eyes. "Why won't you tell me?"

"Because I already know what you'll say and I don't really want to hear it. I'm too busy trying to figure everything out myself and getting input from you and Remus isn't helping."

My brow furrowed. "Remus?"

She shook her head. "Never mind. Aren't you going to be late to your own going away party if you don't leave now?"

"I'm waiting for you to get dressed."

I saw the panic flash through her eyes. "I-I don't know if I can go."

"You mean you don't want to," I pointed out, shooting her a knowing look. "Because you want to avoid Sirius."

She frowned. "Yeah," she sighed, surprising me with her willingness to admit it. "I just…I can't really face him right now."

"I get it," I sighed. "But this is my going away party and I want you there. There are going to be a ton of people there and you can avoid him all night for all I care."

She smirked. "Geez, you really think you're that popular?"

I had shot her a look. "I know I am," I teased. "Now put on that slinky purple dress you've got, the one that makes your boobs look ten sizes larger than they are, and show everyone you don't give a damn about anything except saying good-bye to your best friend."

"Best friend, hm?"

My eyebrow quirked testily.

She grinned. "Just kidding. You know you are. Alright, purple dress it is. Give me five minutes."

I had given her ten before we were whisking out of our apartment and on our way to Blarney's.

As we strolled into the bar, ten minutes late thanks to Keegan, I was very aware how lucky I really was. There stood Fabian who was the first one to catch me eye as he raised his glass in my honor with a grin on his face. And next to him were Dezzy and Drew who were engrossed in a conversation. But it wasn't the conversation that caught my eye. It was the way Drew was looking at a pregnant Dezzy as if she was the only person in the entire room. My heart ached at the thought but my eyes quickly moved on to the next couple, Lance and Kay who were clearly arguing over whose glass of red wine was better. Shane was standing beside Lance and Kay, clearly feeling awkward for hanging out with a group of people he didn't often spend time with. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all perched on three of the bar stools which made me think they were probably here far earlier than everyone else. Frank and Alice were hanging out at the bar clearly waiting on their drinks. And there stood Riley with Rhett. It was obvious that they loved each other and looking at the way Sirius kept glancing over, I could see it wasn't jealousy emanating from his expression. It was hope. I snuck a peek over at Keegan as we wandered through the bar and noticed she was actively avoiding looking towards Sirius. In my mind, she was an idiot. Because she and Sirius deserved each other. Both were far too screwed up to be with anyone else.

As I felt grateful for all of the friends that have made in the past eleven years, I was very aware of one presence that was eminently missing.

"The guest of honor finally decides to grace us with her presence!" Sirius' voice boomed through the bar as he hopped off his stool and rushed over to me with a drink in hand. "Drink up."

I looked at the liquid in the shot glass and groaned. "Why do you insist on forcing shots down our throats at our get-togethers?"

He grinned, holding his own glass up. "Oh, c'mon! Tonight's a night we want to make you forget. Because it's the rest of the nights that you should remember once you leave our sorry asses behind tomorrow."

"That almost sounded poetic up until that last bit."

He chuckled and gestured for me to take over his bar stool. I downed the shot glass and obliged. "What do you want to drink, Miss Evans? Tonight is on us."

"Er…when you say 'us' who are you referring to?" Remus groaned.

"Everyone but me of course," Sirius spoke innocently.

The bar all erupted in laughter. "I have a feeling you're not going to miss Sirius so much, Lily," Alice teased as she came up behind me.

"I have a feeling you're right, Alice."

"Nonsense! We all know that I make the fun so there's no way in hell Miss Lily-bean could ever not miss me," Sirius argued in full force as he wrapped his arm protectively around my shoulders. "Am I right?"

I couldn't help but grin as I rested my head on the shoulders of the man I had become so accustomed to having in my life. He was the one I had always gone to when I needed a pick-me-up. He may have been overwhelmingly goofy at most times, but underneath the jokes was a heart of gold. "Buy me a firewhisky and cola and I'll considering telling you the truth."

He pouted but winking at me, stepped up to the bar. I noted that while typically he would have asked Keegan what she wanted, he conveniently left that out.

"MELINDA!"

She groaned from the end of the bar, serving the couple standing there before wandering our way. "I liked you better earlier today when you weren't cheerful," she sighed, a hint of a smile on her face.

"You were in here earlier?" I asked him curiously.

He shrugged before glancing back at Melinda. "Well, I came back because it appears I forgot to tip the lovely barmaid."

"Don't make me quote Gandhi to you again."

"Do you know of other Gandhi quotes?"

She hesitated. "Er…so what can I get you?" she said with a sheepish grin.

Sirius chuckled. "Tequila shots for everyone!"

She shot him a look. "How about a round of beers?"

"Yes, let's go with that," I interjected with a grin.

Sirius rolled my eyes. "You are so boring."

"Yes, but when you'll be throwing up into your toilet tonight, I will be sleeping like a baby," I responded with a grin.

"Have I mentioned recently that you're boring?"

I merely grinned while Melinda chuckled, grabbing glasses to fill them with the beer on tap. "You love me, Sirius Black," I said, linking my arm with his as I tried not to think about the fact that at this time tomorrow, I would be in America and my friends would all be left behind.

++PETER++

My heart was beating wildly out of my chest the entire night. Every time the door opened, I was convinced it was going to be a string of Death Eaters out to get me and my friends. I hadn't told them I was there but they had a way of always knowing my whereabouts. And considering this was the last night before Lily was planning on hightailing it out of England, I wouldn't have been surprised if they seized that opportunity to not only attack her but to attack all of James' friends. It would have been easy considering we were all there.

When the Dark Lord found out about the newspaper article referring to the elusive exposé, he had been livid. I had been knocked around a few times that night for holding back that information, but in the end, it didn't matter. With new information about Lily's departure date and the fact that an exposé that could ultimately reveal some of Voldemort's deepest secrets was going to be hitting bookstores in the near eminent future, all Voldemort had cared about was putting a plan into action. What that plan was, I hadn't been informed. So now more than ever, I feared for both Lily and James' lives. Because I knew that whatever Voldemort wanted to do to them, they wouldn't come out alive this time.

Every time the door to Blarney's opened, I felt myself grow rigid. And every time it wasn't a slew of Death Eaters, I let out a tiny sigh of relief.

But only a tiny one. Because I had a very strong suspicion that something terrible was going to happen. And that it was going to happen before Lily left.


++REMUS++

I almost forgot there was a war going on. That night was just about us. It wasn't about the fear that emanated our minds, it wasn't about the numerous acts of betrayal that sickled through all of us, it wasn't about questioning the act of love, and it wasn't about the war. It was just about being surrounded by great friends and having a good time.

By midnight, it was a fact that we were all tipsy, if not already drunk. It had been a long time since I could remember having that much fun. I didn't realize how much I had been craving a night of ill-behaved frivolity until it was sitting in the palm of my hand. As I snuck a peek at Lily, I was grateful to see a real smile on her face. She deserved this fun more than anybody.

I hadn't been paying much attention to the conversation, just soaking in the sentiment behind that evening, but from what I could tell, everyone was going around discussing how they had first met Lily. I remember like it was yesterday when I had first met her. Sirius and James had become fast friends on that first train ride, but not me. I had kept to myself, mostly because I had told myself I should due to my lycanthropy, and it wasn't until a few months in that I even recall speaking more than a few words to anyone. The first person I ever did so with was Lily.

She had sat on one side of the Gryffindor common room with her head buried in a book and I was sitting on the opposite side of the room trying to write an essay on the twelve uses of dragon blood but I was stuck on ten. Before I knew it, she was hovering over me with a curious smile on her face. I had turned to look at her to tell her as politely as possible that I liked to be left alone, when she had spoken.

"Oven cleaner and spot remover."

I blinked, glancing down at my essay.

"Oh, sorry!" she cringed. "I get so excited about classes that I sometimes forget people want to find the answer themselves."

I blinked, slowly shrugging. "It's fine."

She frowned. "You don't talk much, do you?"

I didn't say anything.

She chuckled. "I suppose that's a yes."

I didn't know what else to say or do, so I simply shot her a fake smile and glanced back down at my essay, hoping she would take the hint.

"Er, well, alright then. I can see you want to be left alone. I can take a hint. But, y'know, if you ever wanted to do homework together or if you just want someone to talk to, I'm around," she said, smiling. She hesitated. "Or, if you don't want to talk and you just want silent company, I could do that, too. I might be talkative in class, but I'm actually rather shy."

"You're kinda talkative now, too," I found myself blurting out.

Instead of scowling at me, she had laughed. "I guess I am. Well, good night."

She had turned to walk away but instead of letting it be (because as a werewolf, I probably should have just done that), I called out after her. "Any chance you finished the Charms essay?" I asked curiously.

She turned back around with a smile, slowly walking back over to me. She pulled out her books and took a seat beside me. "I'm almost done. You want help?"

"I could do it myself, y'know," I quickly argued.

She smiled at me again. "I know. But I'm offering help."

I glanced dubiously at her before smiling. "Alright, have a seat."

We hadn't exactly become friends at the time. She had just become a companion. Someone to write essays with and to do homework with and who I could sit with in classes and not feel like a complete loner loser. There had been something about her from our very first interaction that had drawn me in. She seemed to know when to not overstep her boundaries but at the same time making you feel comfortable talking to her. We only ever really talked about school, rarely breaching any subjects regarding our personal lives, and I remember being so grateful for it. I could tell it was what she craved as well so in a way, we had completed each other. Looking back now, it was clear that we had had a lot in common that first year. Just like me, she was afraid of her own secrets being exposed. It wasn't until I made friends with my roommates that she started to back off, clearly wanting nothing to do with James Potter or Sirius Black. I had regretted letting her go as a companion back then but in the end, we became so much more than that. And I was glad for it.

Fabian's voice brought me back to the present moment. "I'll never forget my first encounter with Lily," Fabian spoke. "It was already about six months into our first year. Sure, we had been in classes together and passed each other in the hallway, but we hadn't had a real conversation until we were paired up in Potions. She takes one look at me and says 'You're friends with my housemates, aren't you.' She said 'housemates' the same way she would say Voldemort, mind you. I simply shrugged and she replied with, 'How about you sit there looking pretty and I'll do the work so we can both get a good grade.'"

The bar erupted with laughter as Lily grimaced at the reminder. "Hell, anyone friends with the Marauders was already on my Shit List back then."

"And look how times have a-changed, m'friend," Sirius said with a grin, holding up his glass towards Lily.

Lily made a face. "I must have been drunk when I decided to befriend you."

Once again, we roared with laughter. It felt really good to laugh. Based on the looks of my friends, they agreed.

"I can't actually recall the first time I met Lily, but it was quickly after I arrived at Hogwarts. And I think I cried out something along the lines of 'you're the fiery redhead my brother loves,'" Dezzy chimed in with a chortle. "And then something about how he hated that you were better at him than everything."

I glanced surreptitiously over at Lily who I was grateful to see was laughing. "I remember how angry he got with you. He told you he was disowning you as a sister and turned to me, telling me she had it all wrong and it was another redhead he loved. I think I hexed him."

Sirius chuckled. "A stinging hex. And a mighty good one if I recall."

"A hex was the only answer when it came to shutting James Potter up back then," Lily spoke dryly, shrugging.

"Pretty sure it's the only answer even now," Drew teased with a grin.

I tried steering the conversation away from James. "If you ask me, meeting Lily Evans was only the beginning. She kinda stuck with you no matter how hard you tried to shake her."

"I can attest to that," Shane spoke softly, raising his glass.

I saw Lily exchange a look with him. They both smiled before turning away. That had to be a good sign. "Yeah, this girl wouldn't leave me alone no matter how many times I yelled at her to back off," Sirius spoke, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and smiling. "But what can I say? I'm pretty irresistible."

"Not right now, you aren't," Lily teased, tossing a pretzel at him.

I smiled as I remembered the time he and Lily truly became friends. He had become accustomed to making fun of her and teasing her mostly because that's what his best friend did at the time, but the moment he had prodded Snape towards the Whomping Willow and everything went to shit, Lily had stuck by him even though she hadn't a clue why he had been so segregated from his friends. I may have hated him at the time, but looking back I was grateful that Lily was there. Sirius had needed a friend and while Sirius didn't necessarily think so, Lily had.

It was always the same with Sirius. He always needed friends filling the empty holes in his life, even if he hadn't realized it. It was his way of accepting his departure from his family. The people he grew up with turned his back on him and while most people would find themselves crawling into a lonely shell, he surrounded himself with people as a way of reminding himself that he had others on his side.

I prayed that somehow James would one day be able to forgive him. Because even though Sirius would never admit it, I knew he needed James.

Shaking myself back to reality, Sirius began diving into the story of how he and Lily became friends, though he clearly saw it differently than I had. "I don't know why Lily-bean actually decided to be my friend instead of my enemy," he contemplated, massaging Lily's shoulders playfully. "I was pretty horrible to her. She hated my…er, my best mate which clearly meant I was destined to hate her. I picked on her all the time. Teased her, made her the butt of all of my jokes, pranked her and laughed when she became humiliated, tossed fireworks into her Potion cauldrons, insulted her when the moment felt right, tossed mashed potatoes at her during-"

"Okay, seriously, why am I friends with you?" Lily groaned, shrugging him off her shoulders.

The room filled with laughter as Sirius grinned, wrapping his arms around her shoulders from behind and drawing her close to him. "But here's the thing about Lily Evans. She doesn't know how to be horrible back. She saw me at a moment of extreme weakness and instead of holding that moment over my head for all the shit I ever did to her, she was compassionate. Instead of laughing at me, she sat by my side. She barely said anything and I didn't either, but…something changed that day. We started trusting each other. She wasn't just the girl who hated my best mate. She was the girl who sat by me when I needed it. And to this day, I've never forgotten it."

When we all turned our gazes from Sirius to Lily, we were aware of the tears reflecting in her eyes. "Ah, right, that's why I'm friends with you," she whispered, wrapping her own arms around his. "Since when did you get all sentimental?"

"Yeah, shouldn't you be making inappropriate jokes right about now?" I teased, offering them both a smile. I was very aware that Keegan was smiling nostalgically in the corner as she stared at Sirius, a faraway glint in her eye that I was unable to read.

Sirius chuckled, pressing a kiss to Lily's cheek before releasing her. "Lily-bean deserves more than inappropriate jokes."

She scoffed, swiping underneath her eye. "No, stop making me cry. I want an inappropriate joke!"

He laughed, as did the rest of us. "Sorry, all you've got is sentimentality."

She pouted, but I seized that moment to raise my glass and say, "To Lily."

The group turned to me. "To Lily!" Peter agreed.

"To Lily!" Kay and Lance spoke in unison. Lily blushed, ready to shake her head to stop the toast. But we didn't let her.

"To Lily!" Dezzy and Drew said with a grin, raising their own glasses.

"To Lily!" the rest of the group chorused, holding up their own glasses.

"To Sirius!" Sirius cried out with an impish grin.

A cluster of glares plus a smack to the shoulder by Dezzy and a slap on the head by myself followed.

"Ah, there's the inappropriate joke," Lily said with a grin.

Sirius let out an overdramatic sigh. "Fine, fine. To Lily-bean it is," he spoke, winking at her.

The red tint on Lily's cheeks slowly disappeared as a smile filled with gratitude filled her face. She raised her own glass and said, "To friendship."

We all smiled and repeated her own sentimental words before clinking glasses.

To friendship.

I so wished I could believe those words but considering the obvious space missing by James, I wasn't so sure.


++JAMES++

I spent my entire Saturday flying in the meadow behind my house in an attempt to remove so many thoughts from my confusing mind. I let the winter breeze whip icily against my face. I dove towards the ground and pulled up at the last second to feel an adrenaline rush. The cloudy day gave way to light rain in the middle of the day and I welcomed the cool drizzle against my skin.

But none of it did any good.

It wasn't until the sun began to set that I noticed a silhouette on the edge of the meadow. As I flew down to greet whoever it was, I was shocked to see it was my mother. "Mum," I said, climbing off my broom and making my way over to her. "What…what's wrong?"

She chuckled. "Nothing," she urged, shaking her head. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

I frowned. "Er…fine."

Her eyebrow quirked. "Why do I get the feeling that's a lie?"

My lips thinned. "What are you doing here, Mum?"

"Word on the street is that Lily is leaving tomorrow."

My heart skipped a beat. "Yeah. And?"

"Are you really just going to let her go?"

I let out a sigh. "Yeah, Mum, I am."

She shot me a look. "Then you really are an idiot."

I shrugged. "Like I haven't heard that before," I snorted, grabbing my broom and slipping past her to head back towards the house.

I heard her footsteps behind me as she followed me. "James, I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

She let out a loud laugh. "If you were a mother, you'd realize that's impossible."

I glanced over my shoulder with slight amusement. "I'm thinking I'm missing a few female parts to be a mother."

She elbowed me with a laugh. "You know what I mean."

"No, I really don't, seeing as I'm not a mother."

"Are you teasing the woman who raised you?"

"A little bit, yeah."

She smiled. "Glad to know you still have the ability to make jokes."

"I'm not dead, Mum."

She grew quiet. "Please tell me you haven't thought about it, though."

Startled, I turned to her. "What?"

"I mean it," she said, grabbing my arm and stopping me from continuing on. "You're a completely different person now, James. You haven't had an easy life in any way. And maybe I'll never know why you and Lily broke up, but I don't even care anymore. All I care about is you being happy again. And the only person that ever seemed to give you that was Lily. So I am begging you, James, don't let her go."

I frowned, shaking my head. "You're right. You don't know why Lily and I broke up. But it happened. And that's not going to change. Especially now," I muttered, shuddering at the thought of her sleeping with my best mate.

"Especially now?" she repeated.

"Just…just go, Mum," I pleaded.

"So you can continue living in self-pity?" she sighed.

"Mum," I groaned, shooting her a look of what I could only assume was filled with desperation.

She frowned but I was grateful when she said nothing more. I turned on my heel and continued towards the manor.

"So I'm assuming you're not going to Lily's going away party?"

I froze, turning around to face her. "Her what?"

"Sirius told me," she explained with a shrug. "She'll be at Blarney's tonight. Probably already there. If…y'know, living in self-pity can be put on the backburner for one night."

I opened my mouth to argue, but I didn't even know what to say anymore. I was grateful when she kissed me on the cheek and walked away so I didn't have to say anything.

My mother's words apparently got to me because somehow I ended up standing awkwardly outside Blarney's watching my friends have a good time. I didn't want to be there. Well, to be completely frank I wanted to be in there. I wanted to be in Blarney's with my friends and the girl I loved. I wanted to believe that all the bullshit that's occurred in the past few months could be forgotten and even more, forgiven. I wanted to be on the inside, not the outside. But as I glanced through the bar window to where all of my friends resided I was very much aware of how much I was to blame for this. It wasn't as if it was Lily's fault she was surrounded by her friends and I was just on the outside looking in. No, I put myself here. This was what I had supposedly wanted. I wanted to be alone so that they could all fend for themselves. Or even be given the option of fending for themselves. This was what I wanted.

So why did I feel so horrible?

I knew the answer and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Because as much as I wanted to be alone, as much as I wanted to push everyone away, as much as I wanted everyone to stop being attacked, I knew in the back of my head that that should have been their decision, not mine. I had loved and cared about them with all my heart. And I had let them go. But maybe not for the many reasons I had spouted. But because I was tired of all of them dealing with so much tragedy when inevitably, this was my family and my life. They deserved better than the life they were forced to live with me by their side. I was just trying to make them realize they could do better without me. My life was a mess. I was a mess. I hadn't a clue how to even wake up in the morning without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and burdening the people around me wasn't going to help any one of us. They deserved to live their lives without me and I was just trying to spare them realizing it on their own. But in the end, I just hurt them all and inevitably, myself. My heart felt bare. Nonexistent. Without Lily in my life, it meant absolutely nothing. I was absolutely nothing. I thought this was what I wanted, but being nothing was never ideal.

I wanted to hate her so much. Hating her would make letting her go so much easier. She slept with my best friend for Merlin's sake. Wasn't that supposed to make me hate her?

The problem with that was so much of me was still in love with her. And that was what I hated. The fact that she can sleep with my best friend and that's still not enough to make me stop loving her. The fact that she betrayed me just as much as I betrayed her, yet she found a way to stop loving me and I still couldn't let her go. It was exactly why I stood outside Blarney's staring in the window saying good-bye to the life I once had.

"Hey."

I winced at my ex-best friend's voice, slowly turning around. "Get the hell away from me, Sirius."

He rolled his eyes, unperturbed by the anger in my voice. "You're out here for a reason."

"And so what if I am? You don't get to tell me what that reason is because frankly, you don't get to say anything to me ever again."

He frowned. "Fight for her, James."

Good to know he ignored everything I said. "Get away from me, Sirius."

He sighed. "She's leaving tomorrow. Are you seriously going to just let her go? I know that you love her and frankly, if you don't try and stop-"

"Who cares that I still love her?" I snapped. "Love isn't always enough! You know how I know that? Because she slept with my best friend."

He winced. "So be mad at me. Don't be mad at her."

"Believe me, I am mad at you," I snapped, glaring at him. "But I'm plenty justified in being angry with her, too!"

"Yes, it's justified to be hurt and angry. But here's the thing – you don't have time to stay angry and hurt because she's leaving. Tomorrow."

"Yes, I already know that but thank you for continuing to drill that point into my head. Now do you mind-"

"I'm drilling because you don't seem to be doing a damned thing about it!"

I was growing angrier by the second. "Did you ever think that I don't want to do a damned thing about it? That I don't want to fight for her?" I snarled. "That maybe I want her to just leave?"

He smirked. "Then what the hell are you doing out here?"

I opened my mouth to scowl at him, but I had no argument. "I should be asking you the same thing," I snapped. "Don't you get that I don't want to talk to you? At all? Just looking at you makes me sick, Sirius. So why don't you just leave me the hell alone?"

He shrugged, unperturbed by my clear frustration. "Fine," he agreed. "I just don't want you to look back on this and regret not going after her. Believe me, I know what that's like."

I snorted. "Are you talking about leaving things unsaid with Riley four years ago or are you talking about leaving things unsaid with Keegan now?"

He frowned before shaking his head. "I haven't left anything unsaid with Keegan," he said firmly. "I told her everything today. I told her how I felt about her and I asked her to stay. I left everything on the table. I don't have any regrets with her. Maybe you should consider doing the same with Lily."

"She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, Sirius, so stop trying to tell me what to do, alright?" I snapped.

His eyebrow shot up curiously. "That's what this is about, isn't it."

I rolled my eyes. "Do I even dare ask what you're rambling about?"

"You don't want to go after her because there's a very good chance it won't do any good," he muttered. "You don't want to put yourself on the line again just to be rejected. You don't want her to hurt you again."

"You don't know what you're talking about," I sneered, my jawline stiffening with irritation.

"Maybe she will reject you. Maybe she's still hurt herself. But here's the thing: you really won't know until you try," he urged. "You have the ability to stop her, James. Only you. You can go after her. And I know it's what you want so stop letting her slip through your fingers. You already did that once. Are you honestly willing to let it happen again?"

"Stop acting like you have any say on what happens with me and her," I hissed. "What I decide to do or not do will not come from any influence from you. You lost that right the moment you betrayed me."

He frowned before nodding. "You're right," he murmured, shaking his head. "I just…I don't want to see you lose her because of something I did. You deserve better than that."

"I deserve better than you," I sneered, my eyes blazing with frustration.

He winced. "Fine," he sighed in defeat. "I'll go. Just…please tell me you'll think about it?"

I said nothing, not in the mood to listen to him anymore.

He frowned and without another word, he headed back towards the entrance.

"Wait, Sirius," I found myself calling out after her.

He hesitated before turning around to face me.

"Why?" I asked softly, shaking my head. "Why is it that you sleep with her and yet you get to be the one inside hanging out with her and her friends? How is that fair? Why does your act of betrayal get exonerated and yet mine gets the cold shoulder by apparently everyone? Why?"

He frowned, carefully searching for the right words to speak. Eventually, he spoke. "Because I wasn't the one she was madly in love with. Forgiveness is a lot harder to come by with the people we love."

And before I could even process those words, he was whisking inside and I was once again alone.


++KEEGAN++

I wasn't planning on talking to James. I had seen him peering into the bar early on in the night but I desperately tried to ignore it. Except the large transcript that was practically bearing a hole through my bag was calling out to me. And eventually, I found myself slowly venturing outside to speak to him.

He sighed when he saw me traipse out the door. "Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"

I frowned. "Well, that's a warm welcome."

He shrugged, clearly not caring that he was being a surly son-of-a-bitch. "I'm not exactly in a warm and fuzzy mood."

"Pretty sure you haven't been in that kind of mood for about six months now."

He merely shrugged again.

I rolled my eyes. "Let me give you some advice, James: pretending not to care when we all know you do just makes you a pretentious prick. Why can't you just admit you're hating all of this so you can figure out exactly what you need?"

"Hate? No, what I hate is the fact that no one seems to be able to mind their own business."

"Sorry, but you're my friend so unfortunately, it is my business."

"Hey, I'm on a roll when it comes to dropping friends so you just may be next."

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes again. "Have you always been this much of a jackass and I just hadn't noticed?"

"I don't know. Have you always had feelings for Sirius and I just hadn't noticed?"

Well, that threw me for a complete loop. "Er…what?"

He smirked. "Please, Keegan. You're talking to someone who knows what it's like to pretend not to care. I can see in your face you care for him. You just don't want it to be true."

Merlin, he and Lily were similar. "Yes, maybe I care for him. That doesn't mean I have any sort of feelings for him."

"Oh, is that why you're running away to France? Because you don't have feelings for him?"

I needed to change the subject and fast. "I didn't come out here to discuss me and Sirius. I just wanted-"

"Well you better not have come out here to discuss Lily because I'm tired of talking about her with everyone."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm actually not here about Lily."

That threw him a for a look. "Then what do you want?"

I surreptitiously glanced down at the bag on my hip. I knew it was time but I wasn't sure I was ready to let go nor was I sure I was ready to pass the torch on to someone else. But if I didn't do it now, I would never do it and I needed to do this one last thing before I'd be able to move back to France. So I reached into my bag, grabbed the transcript I was contemplating, and pulled it out. I held it out to James. "This is the finished exposé. Read it."

He looked as shocked as I felt. "You…you finished it?"

I nodded. "I pretty much pulled an all-nighter last night."

"Oh."

My eyebrow quirked. "You sound disheartened."

He shook his head. "It just makes it more real."

I shrugged. "That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

He hesitated, slowly nodding. "Yeah."

I took a deep breath in, knowing what my next words were going to be but stalling in fear I was making a mistake. Finally I said, "Just read it. And when you're finished, let me know if you still want it to be published."

His brow furrowed. "Why wouldn't I want to publish it?"

I let out a sad lopsided smile. Uh, because you'll realize how much Lily is a part of the story even though she's no longer a part of your life. Or the fact that Sirius has been a steady character in your life and he'll always be your brother. Oh, and don't forget that Sydny is related to the Executioner who pretty much sealed your fate. "Just read it."

He looked more confused than ever. "You just spent six months on this exposé. I wouldn't take that away from you, Rouge."

I shrugged, realizing I meant it when I said, "It's not about me, James. Right now, it's not about anyone else but you."

His brow furrowed curiously.

"I hope you find all that you've been looking for in this exposé," I said softly. "But, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, don't be surprised if you don't. These are just words. They don't mean much. It's you and only you who is going to hold the answers to all of the heartbreaking questions you've been avoiding thinking about. You just have to be willing to ask them."

James frowned, slowly meeting my gaze. "Are you going to do the same?"

My heart skipped a beat. "What?"

A sad smile splashed across his face. "You know what I'm talking about."

Yes. I did. "As I just said, this is about you, not anyone else."

"No, Keegan, what's going on between you and Sirius has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. You can't continue running from this," he argued firmly. "You finally have someone in front of you who you can see yourself with. If you continue running, you'll just be miserable and alone for the rest of your life. And let me tell you, it's not it's all cracked up to be. Believe me, I would know."

I opened my mouth to argue with him. To say something. Anything. But as I did it, I found the words unable to form. I could only look up at James helplessly, listening to the inside of my head that was screaming at me to stay far away from all of this. Because if I didn't, I'd realize I didn't want to stay away. And I couldn't have that.

"Keegan?"

I was shaken from my thoughts at James' soft voice. I looked up at him.

"What exactly are you so afraid of when it comes to Sirius?"

The question made my heart grow numb. I knew exactly what I was afraid of, though I had been far too afraid to admit it to myself. But standing in front of James who was so clearly afraid of admitting he needed Lily was making my heart race at the realization of my same fear. It was a lot easier suppressing the truth than becoming vulnerable to it.

Problem was, I was already vulnerable to it. Because I had already admitted to Sirius that I was afraid of getting hurt again. But it wasn't just about giving my heart to someone else and losing it. It was about giving my heart to someone else and then forgetting about who had given me the ability to love in the first place.

I had had other boyfriends after Tristan but no one came along that made me feel half the person I was when I was with Sirius. And that scared every bone in my body. Because no matter who I was with in the past, I had always left Tristan remain in my heart. But when I thought of Sirius, Tristan was no longer there. He was just my past. And it took me a long time to realize that that's where he needed to be.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I thought of Tristan. The way his smile could light up a room. The way he would hold my hand under the table in classes. The way we would skive off homework to just go sit under the stars and talk for hours. The way his eyebrow crinkled when he wasn't sure of an answer on an exam. The way he always knew what I was feeling even before I did. The first time he told me he loved me. The way he looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. The first time we made love. The way he was the only person who ever made me feel special in a world where everyone else made me feel the opposite.

Until Sirius.

That thought caused my heart to clench with unexpected yearning. Tristan had always been in the back of my mind no matter where I went and no matter who I was with. I had never been scared to love someone before because I never thought it was possible. But I knew it was possible with Sirius. And with the possibility of loving Sirius came the stronger possibility of forgetting about Tristan. But maybe that was okay. He was my first love but he didn't have to be my only love. I was allowed to move on. Find someone else who could make me feel the way Tristan used to. And I knew that that someone else could be Sirius.

"Keegan?"

I jumped back to the present, staring up at him, startled. "What?"

He smirked. "I asked what you were so afraid of with Sirius?"

I blinked, opening my mouth to tell him I was afraid of falling in love with him and losing him. But I couldn't. Because as it turned out, the only thing I had truly been afraid of was forgetting Tristan. And now that I let myself be okay with that possibility, what was standing in my way of being with Sirius?

I started up at James, my eyes filling with curious wonder. "You don't think I should go to France, do you," I murmured, avoiding his question.

He slowly shook his head. "You're never going to find what you're looking for by running all the time."

I sighed. "I'm not running."

"How many times do you think you'll have to say that before you believe it's true?"

"It is true!"

He shrugged curtly. "You're running, Keegan."

I opened my mouth to argue but nothing came out. I really hated it when he was right. With a defeated sigh, I said, "It's all I've ever known how to do."

He hesitated, slowly shrugging as he glanced surreptitiously down at the transcript in his hand. Eventually, he shrugged. "Maybe it's time you learned how to stay."

I wasn't so sure it was that easy.

There was nothing left to say. So I offered James a sad smile, and headed back inside to say good-bye to my best friend.

I couldn't help but wonder if I should also be saying good-bye to everyone else.


++KAY++

We were having a good time, but as each hour passed, I became more and more aware that my best friend was moving to another country the next afternoon. She and I had been through everything together. When Riley shunned me after finding out about my relationship with Lance, Lily had supported me. When Riley left without saying goodbye, Lily and I only had each other to get through the loss of our best friend. When I was fighting with Lance or she was fighting with James, we had each other to vent to. When Lance and I broke up temporarily, I knew I could count on Lily to help me get through it. And when Lance and I got back together, she was the first person to take me out for a congratulatory drink.

And now she was leaving and I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to get through my days without her.

"You okay?"

I jumped, glancing up at the sound of Lance's voice. I was hanging out at the bar waiting for another drink when he had come up behind me. "Of course. Why do you ask?"

He smiled sadly. "Because your best friend is leaving tomorrow?"

I ignored the pang in my heart. "I'll miss her of course," I said with a shrug. "But I support her decision to go."

His eyes bore a hole through mine and I turned away, glancing over at Melinda so I didn't have to look at Lance. "I'd understand if you didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Support her decision."

I frowned, finding a sudden interest in the bar counter. "Since when was leaving the answer?" I murmured guiltily. "Riley did that once and it tore us all apart. And now Lily thinks that she can leave and suddenly everything is going to be better? I just think she's using this as an excuse to avoid her real feelings for James."

He wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing the side of my face. "Have you told her any of this?"

I sighed, shaking my head. "I-I don't think it would do any good. I think the only person that could remotely change her mind is James and I have a feeling he won't get his act together before tomorrow."

"Does he even want to get his act together?"

No. "It's James. What do you think?"

Lance smirked. "That he'll get his act together in roughly a year and by then, it will be far too late?"

I chuckled. "Ding, ding, ding."

"C'mon," he urged as Melinda handed me my drink and I paid her. "I know you're heartbroken that your friend is leaving, but a better use of your time would be spending those last hours with her instead of sulking in the corner."

Grabbing the drink, I pressed my lips to his before heading back into the crowd of friends.

"At least twenty!" Alice was teasing Sirius.

"More than that," Peter argued with a snicker.

"Twenty what?" I dared to ask.

"How many girls Sirius has picked up in this bar," Frank said with a groan.

"Oh, it's at least fifty," Lance chimed in with a grin.

"Oy, what happened to us dropping this subject?" Sirius whined, a flicker of panic resting in his eyes. I stared at him curiously as his gaze kept darting towards Keegan inconspicuously. I smirked, finding that rather interesting.

A round of chuckles filled the group before Lily spoke. "I'm pretty sure that half of our salaries have gone to this bar."

"Half? Try three-fourths!" I teased. "We are here more than we're at home."

"Whoa, this isn't my home?" Sirius gasped in mock horror.

"I'd say no but you have fallen asleep at the bar before," Remus smirked.

Sirius scowled as the rest of us burst into laughter. "You promised you'd never mention that again."

"Eh, I lied."

"Some friend you are!"

"Hey, its Lily's last night with us. It would be only fair to loop her in on all of the secrets she is unaware of."

"Hell yeah!" Lily said eagerly.

"Uh, no, that sounds like the worst plan you've ever had!" Sirius argued.

"That's because most of our secrets are about you," I chimed in. "Like the time you attempted to eat seven burritos in one sitting and proceeded to throw up all over their welcome mat."

"That was you?" Lily groaned, turning to glare at Sirius.

"And people think you're the nice one," Sirius scowled at me.

"Oh, my favorite was when Sirius decided to dance on the bar here and ended up falling off and breaking his wrist," Frank spoke.

"Oh, right, and we were all too drunk to mend it so he had to leave it overnight!" Remus chimed in with a loud laugh.

"How about we dredge up some secrets on anyone else but me?" Sirius whined, glancing around at the now-laughing group. "Like the time Dezzy stumbled back to Potter Manor drunk one night instead of her own home and fell asleep on the stairwell?"

She cringed. "Oh, good, I'm glad to see that memory hasn't left you," she drawled sarcastically.

"Or the time Sirius attempt to fly a brook after one too many drinks and fell into the river?" Peter snickered.

"What happened to not bringing up any other stories about me?" Sirius scowled.

"No one agreed to that," I pointed out. "Because then we couldn't bring up stories like the time you were so hungover while refereeing a Quidditch match, you kept having to call time-outs so you can find a bathroom to throw up into?"

"I believe that was after your engagement party!" he scowled.

I hesitated before grinning sheepishly. "Oh right. That was a fun night."

"The next day not so much," he murmured, shuddering at the reminder.

"I'm going to miss you guys," Lily blurted out with a sad smile. "I'm excited for a new change, but leaving you all behind makes it impossible for me to get too excited. Please just promise me that you'll continue to make embarrassing memories so that I can live vicariously through you."

"Or you could stay so you can be here to witness embarrassing memories," I said with a hopeful smile.

Lily met my gaze, her eyes filling with hesitant guilt. "I wish I could," she murmured in a way that told me she didn't actually wish she could. "But I have to do this for me."

No, she had to do it for James. But I didn't say that. Instead I said, "Well for the record, we are all going to miss you, too."


++LILY++

I knew he was standing out there. I saw him out of the corner of my eye only briefly and then spent the rest of the night actively trying to avoid glancing towards him.

I had loved him once. And because I had, I wanted to go out there and see him. I wanted to tell him that a part of me still cared about him and a part of me always would, no matter how angry I was with him. I wanted to say good-bye to him without the hatred boiling inside of me. Except I couldn't. Because even though I had loved him once, he had betrayed that love in the worst way possible.

So I remained on that bar stool and drank my firewhisky and cola in silence, refusing to let James Potter get inside my head anymore. He had already ruined enough nights for me. I wasn't going to let him ruin my last night in England, too.


A/N: Eek, what's going to happen with our up-in-the-air couples? Will James forgive Lily? Will Lily forgive James? Will Keegan still go to France or will she choose to stay? And what will happen when James reads the exposé?

All will be revealed in the next chapter!