Double updating! Yay! I may have a lot of studying to do this week for my next Psychology test, so here is another new chapter! There's MAJOR Jhay in this with a little bit of sad Kames at the end! Sorry Kames fans, talking about myself here as well, but they still need to handle a few more obstacles before they can be together again! But please enjoy this new chapter, and tell me what you think for both new updates pretty please! I love reading everyone's input! I wish to dedicate this to winterschild11! She is my sempai and I admire her so much! As an author and a friend, thank you so much and I hope you and everyone else enjoys the double updating! Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or Shay Hanson! All I own is the story's overall plot and any OCs used and/or mentioned! Again enjoy, probably update again next week so please bear with me, my beautiful and awesome readers! :) Oh, the song James is mentioned singing in this chapter is the same song that inspired this chapter and its title! Can you guess what song it is? ;) Sorry if this was short!


James had managed to get Shay to calm down after practically exposing his soul to the brunette. Now said dirty blonde was in the bathroom, taking a shower while James was all comfortable under the sheets of their bed, a contemplative look on his handsome face.

He was feeling very conflicted again.

'When I told Shay I loved him but didn't know in exactly what way...was I being truthful? Do I really just love him as a best friend, or am I just telling myself that because I'm afraid...I-I'm afraid I'm falling in love with him?' James bit his lower lip as this thought ran fast and loud in his head, as if through a megaphone.

The brunette wasn't going to deny the strong attachment he felt to Shay, now more than ever. The two were so similar yet so different at the same time, balancing each other out perfectly. James was fragile; Shay was strong. James was often unstable; Shay had enough stability for the both of them. James nowadays rarely wanted to think with both his heart and hard, cold logic; Shay, on the other hand, wore his heart on his sleeve no matter what the situation was.

He wore his heart on his sleeve, like James use to before Shane fucked him over.

But in another way, James was strong while Shay was fragile. Shay was often unstable, James having to keep them stable on his own. James still knew how to feel, how to love despite all his pain.

Shay, Shay didn't.

He didn't know what it was like to be loved. His father, from Shay managed to tell him and what he witnessed from the video diaries, always tried to bring his son down. He'd call him ugly, fat, stupid, everything in the damn rude book! Shay looked at himself in the mirror and only saw flaws, he didn't see the beauty that came along with his flaws.

He's never been loved the way James has, by a parent or significant other.

Shay, while he has been open with James, has never fully opened his heart. He was scared, something the brunette could understand. He was scared that no one would be able to love him in spite of his flaws.

The scar on his face. Shay loathed it; to James, though, it was...strangely beautiful. It made his face stand out, not out of ugliness but beauty. James found beauty in scars, probably because he had to look past his own physical (and emotional/mental) scars to see his worth. He had to see his own worth, and by that learned ability alone he has learned to see the beauty in the scars of others. To him, Shay was beautiful despite his loathed physical scar.

Shay was beautiful, not ugly. He wasn't any of those things his father Cameron made him out to be; the only ugly, horrible person James saw was Cameron himself. He was the only ugly, bad guy because he didn't treat Shay the right way.

He didn't help Shay see just how wonderful he really is.

'Wonderful...and he thinks he's unworthy of being loved. Like me, and yet...I love him. If he's unworthy, then how can I love him despite everything? Despite the kidnapping, k-killing Kendall and having me start a sort-of new life here in L.A...I love him. I've fallen for him. And not just because of his scar...'

It wasn't just Shay's scar that made James love him.

It was the fact that what was inside, his doubts and insecurities and dirty little secrets, were understandable reasons to hide. So what if he was convicted, it was an unfair conviction! So what if he was a troublemaker as a little kid, that didn't define him as the person he was today! So what if he's been through Hell and back, that didn't mean he didn't have a chance of being happy!

He could be happy, and James...all he wanted was to make Shay happy.

Shay deserved to be happy, more than anyone else James knew. He deserved to be happy. So what if he wasn't "perfect" per say? What is perfection anyway, certainly a myth! Nobody was perfect unless they were true to themselves, at least that was what James personally believed in.

You're only perfect when you're yourself, nobody else. And Shay wasn't Kendall. He didn't try to pretend to be him around James, never tried to convince the brunette that he was him.

Another thing beautiful about him: who he was.

Shay didn't try to be a pretender, someone who tried to fit in. Even if everything inside wanted him to at first, in the end who he is turned out to be a much better bargain than what he was setting himself up to fill up as a role. Kendall maybe not be Shay and Shay maybe not be Kendall, but that was the best part wasn't it? That even though they could pass off as twins that they were nothing alike? Well they did share some similar qualities, like determination, loving for the right reasons, bravery and courage. They shared those traits to the T, but they were still different.

They were different; Kendall received unconditional love all his life, even when he experienced the worst of human nature. Shay...he didn't.

All the love he's ever received, apart from the love of his old friends, has had conditions. His father always rambled on about if he was just a little closer to what he wanted in a son, that he'd love him.

What kind of father says that to his own son?!

'All he's ever had was pain. No one has ever truly loved him, without any conditions or complaints to his flaws. Why has Life been so hard on him, he CAN be loved unconditionally! I-I can do that, I can love him the way he deserves! I mean my heart...it will never get over K-Kendall but, but I have to move on! I can't just keep holding on to a ghost, I need to move forward and do what's right for my heart! My heart's been bleeding since he d-d-died! I can't breathe, I can't sleep well, all I ever think about is him! I loved Kendall, no I will always love him...! But I can't keep holding on to a ghost! My heart has been bleeding for too long, M-Mom always said to do what's best for yourself no matter what. I have so much love to give, I can give Shay everything he needs! I l-love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. I LOVE HIM!'

James gasped at the intensity his train of thought has taken on, he rising from bed (only in pajama bottoms) and walking towards that bathroom door. He leaned against it, breathing deeply as his soft hazel-green turned a murky golden-red.

His heart was done with bleeding, he wanted to heal. Shay needed to heal, James needed to heal. Both of them did; Shay needed to see, and really see because James did not miss the spark of skepticism that had lighted the other's olive green eyes when he told him he loved him, that he was loved and cared for. If Shay were to die, then James...he'd be all alone.

'T-that song, the one he heard when we were out and that he said he liked...how did it go again?' James racked his brain for the lyrics, but as soon as he began singing the words just came naturally.

He kept his voice low, soft and intimate as he sang against the door, pressing his frame into it and closing his eyes.

-Page Break-

Shay let the soft sprays of warm water running down his body wash away his dried tear tracks, that and the knots of anxiety tight in his lower back. He sighed and tilted his head forward a bit more, dirty blonde hair darker than normal due to the wet and hands no longer shaking thanks to the comfort of the steam. He felt his bones stop aching and muscles loosen up, his naked body glistening from the water drops clinging to his no longer bleach pale skin.

Shay always liked taking hot showers. In a way, it felt to him like all his past mistakes were being washed away and he was walking out of the tub a new man.

Sure it didn't really work that way, but he could have his fantasies right?

'I still don't think that James doesn't deem me a monster. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm the fucking psycho that killed his dad for God's sake! I've made so many mistakes, I've screwed up so many times...I don't think he isn't afraid of me! And what hurts the most is...that I'm in love with him and only want to make him happy.'

Shay flinched as if his thoughts were roses covered in thorns, rubbing his tattooed shoulders and closing his olive green eyes.

He moved one hand to rub at the growing stubble alongside his chin, around his mouth and under his nose, and the scar that he wish surgery could erase.

He wish he could change everything about him, maybe that way James would love him.

If only he didn't look like Knight...

'Why did we have to look alike?! If I didn't, maybe James would see me instead of him! Oh what I am saying, James has made it clear that he knows that Shay and Kendall are different! B-but still, why can't he love me instead? Is it because of my flaws, of w-who I am?' Shay thought with a mixture of panic and annoyance.

James was perfect. He was beautiful inside and out, he was strong and loving and amazing. His heart was made of gold and big; he'd give love to a total stranger on the street if the chance came along! He was amazing, he deserved the best and he was just flawless! There was nothing wrong with him!

And Kendall...maybe he had been perfect too.

It made sense: two perfect people getting together, made perfect sense! The perfect happily ever after! Shay wasn't perfect like Kendall; there was nothing great about him compared to Knight.

That's why James didn't love him, because he didn't deserve it and had too many flaws.

Shay saw red for a minute; he slammed his fist against the nearest wall and hid his now building tears behind the other, biting his lower lip.

'Why do I have to be so messed up?!' He screamed in his head, falling down to sit sloppily on his knees in the tub, burying his face in one arm while the other was curled up against his chest.

All he wanted was to be loved, loved for who he was. But why can't he? Why can't he be loved by James, why can't he?

"Why am I so screwed up?" He whispered, the steam doing a poor job in hiding his thin, hallow and haunted face.

He continued to sob into his arm, not hearing the bathroom door click open. He didn't hear a pair of bare feet pad against the carpet floor nor a body crouch down next to him until he heard...singing.

It was a song he liked, one he heard on one of his many outings to the store with James.

It was a song that he felt really spoke out to him, but who was singing it?

'W-wait, James...?' Shay looked up, olive green eyes now rimmed an angry red from crying, and saw a familiar short mane of chocolate brown hair.

James was crouched down next to him, outside the tub and running water of course, in nothing but a pair of pajama bottoms. His soft hazel-green eyes were now a murky golden-red, he singing softly while he watched Shay with...a different expression.

It was different because of the emotion behind it. It wasn't caring, tender...it was an expression of realization, of awe and love.

Love. Love?

'L-love?' Shay thought, feeling his heart pick up pace.

Seeing the confused light flickering in Shay's eyes, James took one of the shorter boy's hands and pressed it to his chest, Shay able to feel the brunette's heart beat nice and steady under his palm. Tears were running down his cheeks but James didn't look sad, not in the slightest. He was smiling and crying as he was singing, Shay's cross necklace still around his neck.

James said nothing until he finished the song, taking his time and pouring all his emotions into every note, every word. When he was done he soon fished out a ring out of his pocket. It was a silver band with an engraving hanging from a chain to serve like a necklace, though James undid the clasp so only the ring remained.

James' gaze was soft as he smiled down at the ring, reading the engraving, "'You're holding a piece of my heart, and it will always belong to you'. This was a ring Mom had made for me; she had two made, one for me and one for Shane, both with the same engraving. She gave it to us when we were babies but obviously our fingers were too small back then so she made them into necklaces. We could start wearing them when they would fit on our fingers. Shane started wearing his when he turned ten but I...I felt like it would be best to wait for the right time. Mom said this quote doesn't just mean for the love we share as mother and son, but also for someone special to me. She said that if I wanted to, I could give this ring to someone very special to me; it could be a best friend, a boyfriend, a relative. I always kept this hidden, to avoid Shane stealing it from me, but...but now I know who can I wear it.

James took a deep breath before he took Shay's hand away from his chest and slowly slid the ring around the blonde's index finger, the silver gleaming in the light above their heads. James smiled at seeing just how right it seemed for Shay to have his ring, meeting his face again. "I want you to wear my ring, Shay. You still believe no one can love you and I'm going to take a guess here and say you probably think I don't love you. You're wrong, I do love you. I love you with all my heart, Shay. I care about you, I want to take care of you and be everything you need. I want to help you see just how much you are worth, how beautiful you are to me and everything in between. I want to help you see that someone can love you despite my flaws. Shay Alexander Hanson, will take my ring...?" James watched Shay's face for any sign of a positive or negative reaction, holding his hand in his.

Shay was silent for a few minutes, thinking of how this was amazing in its own way.

Shay had given James his most prize possession: the silver cross that once belonged to his mother, Martha.

And now, James was giving him his most prized possession: the silver ring his mother Brooke gave him when he was just a baby.

The engraving...

Shay didn't verbally respond but soon his face broke out into a huge smile. James took that as a good sign and chuckled with a just as bright smile back, leaning closer to the shorter boy. His hair grew dark with wet from the still running water, but he didn't care; all he cared about was the words he was about to say to Shay.

"I will love you, unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally now, and forever..."

"I will love you forever too, James. Unconditionally, for the rest of my life..."

With that their lips met in a soft, gentle kiss. In a way, both saw this kiss as their first kiss.

Their first real, official kiss.

Because they cared about each other, cared about each other deeply.

-Page Break-

Kendall Knight, miles away, felt an off pang go off in his chest. His eyes grew wide as a heart-breaking sensation took over him, feeling as if he drowning and struggling to come up for air but failing over and over.

'J-James...'