Chapter 50 – Frustrations & Worries
"I really can't be bothered with this," Harry said as he and Severus made their way through the halls.
"You can't be bothered with anything besides sex," Severus returned.
Harry grinned and said, "Well that's true, but if you weren't so good at it I wouldn't be half so bothered."
"I'm not shouldering all the blame," Severus replied, pretending not to notice when Harry's arm snaked around his waist.
"Well it's entirely your fault," Harry murmured into his ear, winding himself around Severus, making it rather difficult for them to continue walking.
Severus stopped and looked down at his husband, who, as usual, had acquired a familiar glint in his eyes. "We have a meeting to attend, and, as we're already late, no time for a quick fumble in a dark corner."
"Spoil-sport," Harry said sulkily. "It's a pointless meeting anyway. We all know that I can't get within a mile of Voldemort so meeting with this bloke from Switzerland is an exercise in futility."
Severus sighed and ran a hand through Harry's hair. The boy had been rather despondent over the past few days and was becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation. He was restless and seemed to be gripped by the helplessness of it all, so much so that he had done very little training and seemed to take no interest whatsoever in the information that was being relayed to them.
"He's here to talk to you about your powers," Severus said firmly.
"My utterly useless powers," Harry countered. "Because let's face it, I won't be using them any time soon."
"You don't know that. We don't yet know everything about this ritual, and we don't know if there's anything we can do to counter it; we can't just give up because we've hit a hurdle.
Harry emitted a noise of frustration and said, "It's a bit more than a hurdle Severus, it's a whacking great mountain in the way."
"Look, I know you're frustrated, everyone is at the moment, but you can't just give up hope. It's not over, not yet," Severus insisted.
"Then why does it feel like it is?"
Severus sighed and rested his hand on Harry's cheek, saying, "Just come and speak to this man. You're the one who wanted to learn more about your powers and, if nothing else, this could give you the opportunity to do that."
Harry seemed to relent slightly, though Severus could see that he still had his reservations. "Fine," he said glumly. "I just...I just think it's all a bit pointless."
"Well what's your alternative?"
Harry rolled his eyes and said, "Run away and join a hippy commune in the Tuscan hills and spend the rest of my life rearing goats and living off the land."
"Where do you get this stuff from?"
"Harry, I'd like you to meet Professor Daskalov," said Lars as the tall, sombre man who had been standing quietly stepped forward. "I served several years under his tutelage and he is one of the foremost authorities on Elemental Magic in the world."
"Pleased to meet you sir," said Harry as he shook hands with the stern-looking man. Daskalov gave him a curt nod then shook hands with Severus, who was probably the only man Harry knew who could match the solemn quietness of their guest.
"Professor Daskalov would like to see your powers in action Harry and then perhaps spend some time discussing them with you," Lars said, Harry suddenly understanding why they were meeting in the training room. He felt a great reluctance at exposing his power to a complete stranger, especially at a time when the question of who to trust was becoming more of a pertinent one. Nevertheless, he nodded and mentally began to prepare himself for his demonstration.
"Severus, perhaps we should make ourselves scarce?" Lars suggested.
Severus paused for a moment and caught his husband's eye. It was only when he saw the faint but definite nod that he replied, "Very well, we shan't be far though, if we're needed."
He reluctantly followed Lars out of the room, casting one last look back at Harry and allowing his senses to gently ease over the boy's fraught emotions. "I don't like leaving him," he said stiffly as he and Lars moved away from the room.
"He's in no danger," Lars said gently.
"I'd still rather be there with him. He was...uneasy being left alone."
"He'll be fine Severus, he's more than capable and you can trust Daskalov, my word on it."
Severus paused at one of the large windows and gazed out across the grounds, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular. He sighed and said quietly, "He...hasn't been himself over the last few days. He's been trouble, preoccupied."
"That's understandable really," Lars replied, moving to stand next to Severus. "With all he's going through at the moment – "
"I know, I know, but...this time it's different. Sometimes it feels like...like he's giving up."
"I can't imagine Harry giving up on anything," Lars said fondly.
"He's always believed that he could win before, he's always been able to trust in hope...Now with this news about the ritual Voldemort's discovered, it's like he has little or no hope left. It's worrying Lars," Severus finished quietly, his entire body humming with tension.
"He can't give up Severus, none of us can. I understand how futile the whole situation must seem to him in light of the news about this ritual, but he'll destroy himself if he dwells on it too much."
Severus agitatedly straightened his sleeve cuffs and brushed down his robes before turning around to face Lars and saying, "How can you blame him Lars? There are days when I find it hard to imagine how on earth we're going to prevail in this war."
"Impressive Mr Potter-Snape," said Daskalov, cleaning his glasses as Harry stopped to catch his breath after giving a particularly energetic performance of his fire skills. "I haven't seen skills such as yours in many years. Your control is also very impressive, I am sorry not to have had you in my academy."
Harry smiled and straightened himself up, thankful that his recovery rate was much faster than it used to be. He had warmed to Daskalov very quickly; the man had a very easy and open manner, and although he had something of a frugality of speech, he was perfectly affable. It was also abundantly clear that Elemental Magic was his life and his passion, and that what he didn't know on the subject wasn't worth knowing.
"Thank you Professor, I'm sorry not to have been able to attend, though you never know, perhaps one day."
"Ah, one day you shall attend in the capacity of a tutor," Daskalov replied, his thick, eastern European accent adding to the man's slow and considered speech.
Harry laughed and replied, "That I very much doubt, but I'm very flattered nevertheless."
"You are too modest my young friend; you have powers and skills that would make many a Mage furious with envy."
Harry coloured slightly but didn't argue; he knew his powers were formidable, he was simply unsure as to what use they would be.
"Come and take a seat, if you will, and we can discuss your power more fully," said Daskalov. He and Harry moved over to the armchairs and seated themselves, Daskalov conjuring them both a drink before saying, "Tell me, you are married are you not?"
Harry nodded, a little surprised by the question, but saying nevertheless, "Yes, to Professor Snape, you met him earlier."
"Mm," said Daskalov contemplatively. "And your marriage is...a happy one?"
Harry frowned, confused by the question, and replied, "Yes, of course it is, I love my husband."
"Good, good. You will forgive me, I hope, for asking what must seem a very personal question, but...I was sure that I detected a soulmate bond," the man said carefully, almost questioningly.
Harry paused for a moment, his natural cautiousness making him consider his answer. He took a deep breath then said, "Yes, you did."
"Ah, I thought as much. Mr Potter-Snape, I don't know how much you know about soulmate bonds in relation to Elemental Mages – "
"Not as much as I'd like," Harry interjected.
"Well, traditionally, a Mage has always needed a soulmate in order to connect them to the world, to anchor them so that they are not overwhelmed by such strong magical forces. The bond is also needed to give strength to a Mage when their own resources are drained; there is a great dependency between the two. Now tell me, not in great detail if you please, if there is much...physical closeness between the two of you?"
Harry blushed and couldn't help but grin sheepishly in response to the question. "The...the short answer is yes," he replied with a smirk.
"Ah," said Daskalov, his serious face allowing a knowing smile to take up residence for a moment. "Well...it is always a good idea to...nurture these things. Don't be alarmed by the force of necessity, it's quite natural I assure you. In fact, it's rather vital."
"Vital?"
"Mm, most definitely. Embrace it my friend, you may even find that it unlocks the answers to the remaining questions you have about your powers."
"And he's still not saying much?" asked Ron as he and Severus stood in the corner of Harry's training room, watching as Harry and Draco continued with their duelling session.
Severus shook his head. "Hardly anything, he's drawing more and more into himself. He spends most of his time researching his powers and speaking with Daskalov, not to mention the hours he spends staring into space, thinking about Merlin-knows-what. I just don't know what to do."
Ron sighed and watched as Draco and Harry continued their vigorous training, Harry almost dogged in his determination to win. "In my experience," he said in his usual measured way, "it's usually best to just let him get on with it, let him get whatever it is out of his system and work his own way through it. You know what he's like when he feels he's being pressured."
"Oh I know that well enough," Severus replied, folding his arms and regarding his friend, "it's just that this time it feels different. I think something's really troubling him Ron."
The young man in front of him took a deep breath and moved a strand of red hair out of his eyes before saying, "Wouldn't it be troubling you Sev?"
"What do you mean?" asked Severus with a frown.
"Think about it – he has all this power, formidable, potent power that he's spent the last year honing and perfecting, only to find that he can't use it, not at all, and that all the hope he once had is now slowly ebbing away. He's trying his best to keep his head up, but...what's the point?"
"Oh don't you start with that attitude!"
"No I'm not Sev, but see it from his point of view. It's a wonder he hasn't given up on everything entirely."
Severus was silent for a moment, casting an eye over to his husband, who was fighting Draco with extreme finesse and skill, not to mention the odd underhand trick or two. He was worried about the young man and frustrated because he didn't know how to help him. "He's too strong to give up entirely," Severus said quietly, "but he's not strong enough to cope with everything, no one is."
"No, he's not," Ron said firmly, "but luckily he has you by his side to borrow strength where it's needed."
Severus released a heavy sigh and met Ron's serious blue eyes. "Pray to Merlin I'm enough."
Harry sat in the chair in the little alcove in his and Severus' quarters, watching as the last few flecks of sunlight disappeared over the horizon. He was frustrated with himself for giving way to his feelings and allowing them to take hold the way he had, but he couldn't seem to shake himself free. He was anxious and fretful, and although he knew he had adequate cause to be, it didn't make him feel any better.
He was churning things over and over in his mind, dwelling on each individual problem as it arose in his mind, building and building the tension he felt, when he felt a strong hand settle on the back of his neck, and the raw, jagged edges of his emotions became soothed and more bearable. He smiled in spite of himself and leant back into the touch, ridiculously grateful for the simplicity of the action, and the results it produced.
"I could hear the wheels in your head turning from all the way in the bedroom," Severus said gently.
"I'm not surprised, they've a lot to turn over," Harry murmured in response as Severus took the seat opposite him.
"Harry I'm worried about you," Severus said, deciding that the best approach was to be direct.
"I know," Harry responded quietly, returning to looking out of the window. "I'm worried about myself."
"Tell me what's wrong?"
Harry sighed and drummed his fingers on the side of his chair, wishing he had the words to explain exactly what was wrong. "I don't know what to do Severus," he muttered.
"About what?"
"Everything. I feel as though I'm...in a boat that's been put out in the middle of the sea with no notion of direction and no wind to power the sails either way. I just...feel rudderless."
"But why?"
"Because I'm powerless," Harry said, biting out the word. "I can't do anything."
"Harry I don't – "
"Voldemort Severus, I can't do anything where he's concerned, my hands are tied. All this training, all this power, and there's no point in any of it because I can't get within 30 feet of the bastard. I'm just so...oh I don't know, I can't even put it into words!"
"You'll drive yourself mad if you think like this Harry."
"I can't stop thinking about it Severus. I just...I can't...I – "
"Ssh," Severus soothed, taking Harry's hand. "Come here," he said softly, rising to his feet and gently pulling Harry up and into his arms. Harry nestled into his husband and buried his face in the man's chest, drawing as much comfort as possible from his proximity.
"Don't let go," Harry murmured, holding on tightly. "Please don't let go, I need this, I need you."
"You have me, and you always will," Severus promised, holding Harry as closely as he could.
"Everything seems better when you're with me, it's like I'm not a whole person anymore, I'm just one half of a whole and I'm not right unless I'm with you. Don't let go, don't ever let go."
"If it rains much more we'll all have to start collecting two of each animal," Draco said glumly as he gazed out of the window at the torrential rain. He, Ron, Lars, Marcus, Harry and Severus were all sitting in Harry and Severus' quarters, trying to escape the madness that Hogwarts currently was in in its capacity as a safe-house and headquarters. The castle had been turned upside down and everyone was starting to feel fed up with the situation as it stood, and were glad to have the dungeons as a retreat from the chaos of it all.
"It hasn't stopped in over a week," Ron said, joining his fiancé at the window and watching as the heavy rain continued to abuse the landscape. "It's not really helping anyone's mood."
"You're rather pointing out the obvious there my love," Draco murmured, leaning back and resting his head on Ron's chest.
"Why is nobody doing anything?" Harry asked agitatedly, slamming shut yet another tome of research he'd been pouring over.
"Like what?" Ron asked levelly, accustomed now to Harry's mood of frustration and annoyance, and utterly unwilling to give in to it.
"Something, anything," Harry bit out. "Instead we're all just sitting around, waiting for things to happen."
Ron sighed and wrapped an arm around Draco's shoulders, turning to face Harry. "That's not really true Harry and you know it," he said calmly but firmly. "Everyone's doing everything they can, whether it be gathering information or training for battle. Things might feel a bit stagnant at the moment, but it doesn't mean people aren't doing their best."
"Their best isn't good enough," Harry returned, knowing he sounded like a petulant child, but too wound up to care. "We're all just waiting like sitting ducks for some lunatic to come along and finish us all off and there's bugger all we can do about it."
Ron and Severus exchanged a glance, worried about Harry's ever-worsening mood and how they were meant to handle it. "There's not much else we can do Harry. Our intelligence reports have gone very quiet and we have very little to work with at the moment," Ron said, trying to keep his voice as even as possible. "Remus' unit are doing all they can but you know what he's like, he won't risk anyone's life to find out information and really Harry, can you honestly say you want to see Hermione or the twins placed in that kind of danger?"
Harry seemed to soften a little and he ran an agitated hand through his hair as he replied quietly, "No, of course I don't, I don't want to see anyone in danger, but that's the point."
"What do you mean?" asked Draco gently.
Harry sighed and slowly came to sit on the edge of the sofa, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward, not meeting anyone's eyes. "I mean," he began slowly, "that I could avoid anyone, everyone, getting hurt if I could just call out the bastard and fight him myself, but...I can't, my hands are tied, I can't do anything and so what are our options? We just wait for him and his scum followers to obliterate us all."
"I don't think any of us intend to do that," Lars said.
"No, I know," Harry said, becoming frustrated with himself, "and I'm not trying to make out like I'm our only hope, but come on, this is Voldemort we're talking about, he has power beyond anything most of us can comprehend, and we can recruit all the support we like and devise clever battle tactics, but the raw fact of the matter is that the only thing that can stop him is power equal to his own...and I really believe I have that. But what's the use of it if I can't get close enough to him to use it? I just...I'm just finding it hard to see a way out of this one."
"Well if you really feel that way then we might as well all give up now," Ron said, his temper beginning to get the better of him. He stepped around to stand in front of Harry and met the boy's sorrowful green eyes fully and openly. "I've been with you from the start you speccy-eyed git and I've always been on your side because I always knew you could do it. You've never given up, even when everything seemed totally lost, you've always battled through. You've survived losing your parents, Sirius, being the Wonder Boy of the wizarding world, marrying your worst enemy – no offence Sev – and getting attacked every year of your life by an insane megalomaniac! You've come through all of this and done it spectacularly well, so don't you dare turn around and tell me that all of a sudden you've had this dramatic personality transplant that allows you to give up when you know in your heart that you can't."
Harry sat for a moment, unable to think of a response to Ron's impassioned speech. He let his head fall back to rest on the back of the sofa and released a heavy sigh, knowing in his heart that Ron was right, but too frustrated by the situation to readily admit it. Ron sat down beside him and grabbed the back of his head, tilting it so Harry was forced to meet his eyes. "I'm not having a go, but you can't really expect me to just let you give up, I love you too much to let you do that."
Harry's jaw clenched tightly and he felt the edges of Severus' consciousness brush his own slightly. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I just don't know what to do."
Ron smiled and ruffled his friend's hair, saying, "You're going to do what you always do – pick yourself up, dust yourself off and trust enough in the people around you to pull you through this. We're coming through this war Harry, and what's more, we're going to win it."
For the first time in several weeks, Harry allowed himself to smile. He still didn't fully believe Ron's words, but the fact that Ron believed them was good enough for him and made him feel that while there was hope left in others, perhaps he might be able to regain some of his own.
AN: Firstly, I am so so so sorry that it's taken me so long to get this chapter out, but my life has been utterly hectic lately. I won't bore you all with the details, but the short version is that I've been working long hours, have a sick mother and have also been falling in love for real, so unfortunately, my writing has slipped by the wayside a little. Hopefully though, I'm going to be getting back on track with it all and the updates will continue as regularly as possible, especially now we're nearing the end.
Secondly, my deepest apologies to all those of you who have sent me emails asking me to beta for you. I haven't checked my fanfic inbox in forever and I just didn't know all these requests were waiting for me. Unfortunately I really don't have the time at the moment to be taking on beta work, but when my schedule clears up, I shall let you all know.
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I really look forward to hearing from you all, I missed your comments a LOT. The next chapter should be along within the next week or so, all being well and good, so please stay with me, the end is in sight, and once again I apologise for my appalling absence. Love to you all.
